Non existent Family

[blackrock]

Hi,
My Dad is dying and has been for ten years. He has dementia, cannot speak and doesn't know who anyone is except perhaps my mum. My mum is emotionally needy (pre dad's illness) and has worsened since the illness arrived, she cares exceotionally for my father. His disease started young and is genetic (50%chance of pass on) Mt sister has cut herself off, I phone, she doesn't answer and turns off her mobile, reply to texts, invite me to see her or come to see us, or my dad. I don't talk to my mum about this as she would be further upset. My sister hasn't seen her nephew since he was 10motnhs, he is now 2.3 months. She sends him birthday presents.

My husband says forget it. I can't. I can't talk to him about it. He doesn't want ot know. His family are lovely and supportive.

Should I keep on trying or just leave my sister alone? What would you do?

There's nothing you CAN do, you can't force someone to have contact with you. You have to respect her choice. Maybe a letter to say that you fully respect her choice to not have contact, although you don't understand why and that you love her and your door is always open should she ever change her mind.

And then leave it and concentrate on your family ( your husband and child).

Thanks Hecate, deep down i know you are right [know i am emotionally needy like my mother!]. What would you say to my mum when she asks me to visit my sister? previously I have asked my mum to leaver us (my sister and I) alone as we are fine. Both have happy relationships, good jobs and enough money - i pull this out as a positive for my mum.

Say to your mum that you will see your sister soon, you expect, then change the subject. Be vague but smiling and talk about something else. As Hecate says, if someone doesn't want to have any contact with you, you can't force them (and have no right to try no matter what their relationship to you is/was).

If you don't want to tell her (although I think you should) why not just say you haven't been able to get in touch with your sister.

Thanks. I think I will wait until my Mum next brings up the subject. My DH feels her need to try and bring us together is propagating the problem, so perhaps dealing with it head on would be best although guitl ridden and traumatic!