So what would you do if you think your DH is an alcoholic but high functioning and it doesn't affect your day to day lives?

[aleene]

I have posted before about DH hiding his drinking. Tonight I found 2 wine bottles he had hidden. He had drunk one of them between 4.30 pm and 7pm and then went to work at 8.
He is never drunk, abusive or violent. we are okay for money. He is a good dad. He is a good husband although I think he could pay me more attention. It is his long term health I am worried about and the lies about how much he is drinking. Any advice please?

that helpless feeling is why you should go to a meeting.... if he wont help himself / let you try to help him you can at least get some support for yourself. please dont think this is having no effect on your dcs.... by doing nothing you are enabling him. alcoholism / alcohol abuse is a terribly damaging thing.

I am still not sure what happens at these meetings. I'm not sure how it can help me IYSWIM.
Now I am doubting myself, that I am thinking the problem is worse than it is. But of course that is what he wants me to think. ARRGGHHH...tis very confusing.

Hi Aleene,

Have name-changed for this.

I'm so for your situation. (I remember your coffee grounds thread).

I'm posting as someone who has been hiding what they drink on and off for four or five years. An alcoholic will always try and find a reason to excuse their drinking. Mine is that my DP drinks, but not as regularly as I do and seems to frown on the fact that I do. It's therefore easier for me to hide the drinking and therefore avoid the raised eyebrow.

As someone who is doing what your DH is, I feel so much for both of you. I feel for him as I can empathise with the whole sordid feeling that comes with it, and I feel for you as I can imagine how awful it must be to know that your DH is hiding this from you and trying to pretend everything's okay.

I don't really know what I want to say, I just wanted to say be strong, get help from Al-Anon and I hope things work out for you both.

I've made the decision to stop drinking totally from the end of this month until Christmas. On average, I do 2/3 days a week without drinking and I want to know that I can do this.

Hugs x

JBS, thank you for taking the time to post. I hope you manage to give up and take very good care of yourself (I think someone else said giving up can be risky). Is your DH supporting you on this? I would give up alcohol too if it would help DH, but as he runs a pub it is a bit pointless.
All best wishes and thanks again for your support.

Aleene, you're sweet, thank you!
I drink about a bottle of wine a night. I can't tell you how horrid it feels to hide it .

I related to your post because in all respects (I think) I'm a functioning person. I hold down a good job and never let people down and really do believe that DP and I have a good, strong relationship.

I can say that 99% of my panic is about the fact I'm hiding a whole part of my life and therefore feeling like I'm being dishonest and letting people down.

If your DH doesn't think he has a problem, then I do agree with others that there's nothing you can do to change his actions. As someone who drinks secretly though, I cannot believe he's not finding this hard. Perhaps try and talk to him again? Hiding a drinking habit will feel sordid for anyone who's doing it.

I'm dying for DP to tackle me about the subject, and I have brought it up, but he seems to be in denial on my behalf. This is why I'm going t-total at the end of the month, to prove to myself the alcohol isn't in control.

I think you should go to an Al-Anon meeting. I think they'd be able to offer you a heap of support. Good luck!
x

You go girl! I think being tee total has lots of advantages; more energy, sleeping better, clear skin, weight loss plus of course less work for your liver. Plus make you feel more in control and positive about the choices you are making. Well done.
Plus save up all that cash you are saving by not buying wine and treat yourself to new clothes and shoes lol.

I'll let you know how I get on!

You sound like a lovely supportive person Aleene and I hope you and your DH sort this all out...he sounds like a lucky man, as I know I am with my DP.
xx

Anniemac, you have summed this up in a nutshell

JBS, thanks for your lovely comments. LMAO, I am also sure that my DH is a lucky man. Unfortunately he is down the pub and I won't see him until Sunday (not all drinking time, working too!)
Mustn't grumble and all that, blah blah blah!

johnnybegood please be careful about going teetotal. If you are alcohol dependent then it is dangerous to stop completely without medical advice. My DH did this and it was very scary to watch. Please, please seek medical advice and be honest about the amount you are drinking. It will be much safer to do it gradually and with the appropriate support. Your GP will be able to help with this.

Sorry, obviously I meant johnnybestrong. Good luck.

Aleene,

I have not read the whole thread but it is quite clear that your DH's drinking is affecting your lives as it is affecting you.
TBH he sounds similar to my exH (I posted about it a while back under different names).In your story I particularly identified with the shopping bit. To be blunt you will never change him only he will change if he wants to. In the meantime you need to save yourself or end up sinking with him iyswim. Do you ever find yourself making excuses for him (either to yourself or to others)?. I agree strongly with others who said contact Al-Anon as it will be about you as someone living with a drinker and how it is affecting your life, not just about him, you will find huge strength from it.
My marriage did not survive this.

Hi llareggub, thank you for your kind words . I've stopped for up to 7 days before and seem to have got through it, despite obvious withdrawal syptoms. I'm going to be very sensible about it though and will seek help if things turn out weird.

TBH, I cannot wait to be out of the grip of bloody drinking. I've got a birthday celebration next weekend, where 3 of us are getting together to celebrate all or our birthdays. We're all drinkers, so my thoughts are that there's no point in ditching it before then. I'm seeing beyond that weekend as some sort of miracle time now...god knows if I don't manage it, it won't be for lack of wanting to do it!

I hope you and your DH are now on a good path?

Aleene, hope things are okay with you this weekend,.. fingers crossed you make some headway.

Apologies for hijack but... if stopping drinking causes alarming symptoms, how long before they kick in? Or is it the case that if someone who drinks a lot can routinely go 2/4 or more days without drinking, they don't actually have a problem?

Hello, I just wanted to update this thread although it is from last summer.
Things rumbled on and in June I called DH's bluff and asked him to go with me to the GP for a liver function test. To my amazement he agreed.
When we went it was very awkward as he kept saying that there was no problem and he was only there to prove a point to me. However he had the blood test and between then and the results we had a bit of a breakthrough. He admitted that he knew he was drinking too much and he was glad I had asked him to go to the doctor.
The second visit to the GP he was like a different person. The test show that there is signs his liver is under strain. He understands the implications of this. We go back in 8 weeks for the test to be repeated. So far so good, although I am not sure he is cutting down enough. I would prefer him to give up altogether but we will try it this way first. It may be that he realises there cannot be any half measures (no pun intended).

Thanks for reading anyone, it helps to get this down. I have only told a few people in RL .

Aleene, I'm so pleased for you.

My DH is an alcoholic as well, and was very much a functioning one for a long while.

Only now that he does not drink have we seen how he was NOT really functioning at all. Our lives are so much better without alcohol and he has gone from strength to strength in terms of career, life, everything.

He also had high blood pressure, dodgy liver function and high cholesterol. All these have gone back to normal now. Plus his heart rate has dropped by about 20 bpm and he has lost weight.

Honestly, it's not like he's a different person, it's like he is an improved version of the wonderful man I married.

All the best for the future x

It is great to read updates like this

Best of luck and bump.

Hi Aleene, I just wanted to post to say well done at getting this far.

I am in the same position as you with my husband. After reading your post I am going to ask him to go for a liver function test when he is off work next week.

Thanks.

I'm really glad to hear a positive outcome aleene, and also to you too Ozziegirly.

SGB the withdraws can kick in 24 hrs after the last drink.

As an alcoholic myself, I know about the denial ect,

But totally fab that you got him to realise.
And great that you had such a fab outcome aleene.

Well done!