So what would you do if you think your DH is an alcoholic but high functioning and it doesn't affect your day to day lives?

[aleene]

I have posted before about DH hiding his drinking. Tonight I found 2 wine bottles he had hidden. He had drunk one of them between 4.30 pm and 7pm and then went to work at 8.
He is never drunk, abusive or violent. we are okay for money. He is a good dad. He is a good husband although I think he could pay me more attention. It is his long term health I am worried about and the lies about how much he is drinking. Any advice please?

[aleene]

Okay I have just spoken to him about my concerns. He thinks that there is nothing wrong in having a couple of glasses of wine in his time off and didn't accept that it had been a bottle....however I asked him to cut back and at least have a couple of days in the week when he doesn't drink. He agreed to this. Do I believe he will stick to it? No, unfortunately.

Then I said the lying was not good and he agreed. We then got into a fight about a household job that he said he had done and I think he is lying about it. He went off in a huff saying I don't appreciate all the things he does for me and there is only so much a person can take. So I said he was the one doing all the drinking and lying and he wasn't the victim here. blah blah blah sorry just had to get that off my chest.

I am going to email al-anon for some information.

[expatinscotland]

I think you need to check in on al-anon, aleene.

You've said your piece about his drinking.

He knows how you feel about it.

If you keep bringing it up he'll see it as nagging and just hide it from you, as he's doing now.

Please get some help for yourself.

[aleene]

Thanks EPIS. I did start the conversation by saying I don't want to nag, which he did look relieved about.

[expatinscotland]

He'll see your bringing it up as nagging, aleene.

So really, please get some help so you can try to leave it and not bring it up.

He knows already.

Now's the time to focus on yourself and how you feel in this relationship and what you can do to help yourself.

[Notalone]

Sorry it didn't go the way you hoped Aleene. Definitely seek help for yourself anyway you can, and post on here whenever you want too. We are all here for you whenever you need a friendly ear

[moondog]

What is the coffee grounds like stuff about?

[aleene]

Thank you Notalone.

[aleene]

Moondog, it was vomit that was dark brown in colour and very odd. When I posted about it a poster thought it might be coffee grounds vomit and that is exactly what it looked like. It seems to be a sign that there is an internal problem, but he says it only happened once and refused to see a doctor about it.

[moondog]

Oh blimey. You can guarantee he is drinking even more than you think he is.

[Collision]

Have just googled 'alcoholism+vomiting coffee granules' and surprisingly there were results!

Looks like your DH could have a peptic ulcer which, if left untreated, is very dangerous.

It does say to get medical help asap.

HTH

[BreeVanderCampLGJ]

Just Googled, do not read if you are squeamish.

Haematemesis is the vomiting of blood. This condition occurs when there is bleeding in the oesophagus, stomach or duodenum, i.e. bleeding proximal to the duodenal-jejunal junction. It is very rare for bleeding entering the gut distal to this point to return to the stomach.

The colour and volume of the vomitus is an indicator to how long the blood has been in the stomach. Dark blood or 'coffee grounds' suggests a smaller bleed which has been altered by contact with gastric acid. A large volume of bright red blood is suggestive of a rapid and sizeable haemorrhage.

[expatinscotland]

I have vomitted like that. But it was when I had a stomach virus when I was second-trimester pregnant with DD2.

And by then I was already at the after-hours emergency appointment with a practice nurse at Edinburgh Royal Infirmary.

It did get their attention and I was admitted to the gynae ward and put on a drip and given a painful injection to stop the D&V. They said it was 'old blood'.

But I never had it again after spending a night and a whole day there so hopefully his is a one off as well.

[aleene]

If it were an ulcer would there be frequent vomits like this? At the moment it seems to be a one-off unless he is lying about it (entirely possible of course).
Can I speak to my doctor about this? They can't exactly order him to go in for a consultation can they? ARRGGHHH

[expatinscotland]

No one can force him to get medical help, any counselling or even get him to admit there's a problem unless he's bad enough to basically be sectioned by a court.

That's why it's so important for you to get some support and counselling.

[SlartyBartFast]

did you show him the bottles he had hidden?

[MrsGeneHunt]

my dh drinks far more than i like, more than 1 bottle of red a night.
weekends are worse.. BUT he starts with it in a cup, and hides the cup from me but i KNOW,.. he knows i hate it so he hides it - can't win.

[ginnny]

I agree with Expat. You can't stop him drinking.
You can get help for yourself to deal with it.
Do give AlAnon a try - they are great, they don't preach or anything, its just nice to know you are not alone.

Al Anon

[aleene]

Thanks for the link.
Anyone ordered literature from them? I have just looked at their literature list but it is a bit confusing; some things come in packs, probably for meetings etc. Should I just try ordering a few leaflets in the Newcomer section?

[LittleBella]

If I were you I'd call the helpline and explain to them your situation. Then they can guide you as to what literature is the best for you.

If you get someone who irritates you or leaves you feeling bad/ non-plussed/ pissed off (which I did first time I phoned), don't give up on it, phone back the next day and speak to someone else (they are all volunteers so you will always get someone else to talk to). Different people have different styles and some people are going to suit you more than others.

[aleene]

Two days ago I found an empty wine bottle in a desk drawer. He said he was not hiding it, he was tidying . I said that whatever verb we were going to use he knew how I felt about it.
This morning DS2 was 'helping' me hoover and he pulls out a wine glass from DH's side of the bed! So final straw and all that, I phoned Al-anon for some info. I spoke to a lovely lady who is putting some literature in the post. However she said the most helpful thing would be to go to a meeting. I was quite taken aback as I had not considered this step. It feels a very public thing to do although I'm sure everyone there is there for the same reason. Also I may feel out of place and self conscious especially as DH never appears drunk and is never abusive.
Anyone been to one of their meetings for relatives?

[llareggub]

I've not been to an Al-Anon meeting but I have been to an AA meeting with DH. If you want to go to a meeting there is usually someone on the lookout for newcomers and will look after you. The key thing is anonymity and if Al-Anon is anything like the AA this is taken very seriously. Trust me, no one will be judging you or talking about you.

You could probably arrange for someone to meet you outside the meeting if you wanted. Good luck.

[aleene]

The other thing is DH would be shocked and horrified if I said I was going to an Al-anon meeting, as it reflects on him. He couldn't stop me going but it would cause a big row I think.
I could lie but that doesn't seem like a good idea.

[QuintessentialShadows]

My FIL was a highly functioning alcoholic. He would hide the bottles. You could not smell anything from him, he was never hung over, he never seemed drunk. His tolerance was too high.

He died 3 years ago, at the age 46, due to his alcohol abuse. He felt unwell, went to hospital, died within 3 hours. It was his liver.

[aleene]

QS, that is so shocking. I'm so sorry, that must have been awful for your family. That is very scary.
Did his wife or anyone know he was drinking so much? Could he admit there was a problem?
I feel so helpless because DH will not listen to me.

[QuintessentialShadows]

Everybody knew it. MIL would go bottle hunting and rid the house of bottles, empty or full, on a regular basis. She tried in various ways to make him stop, he once took a medicine that was going to make him very ill if he combined it with alcohol (as an attempt to dry him out), but still he didnt care and combined it anyway, so they had to stop the course.