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Original poster

So what would you do if you think your DH is an alcoholic but high functioning and it doesn't affect your day to day lives?

96 replies

aleene · 10/08/2008 00:47

I have posted before about DH hiding his drinking. Tonight I found 2 wine bottles he had hidden. He had drunk one of them between 4.30 pm and 7pm and then went to work at 8.
He is never drunk, abusive or violent. we are okay for money. He is a good dad. He is a good husband although I think he could pay me more attention. It is his long term health I am worried about and the lies about how much he is drinking. Any advice please?

OP posts:
moondog · 10/08/2008 12:52

That sounds great.

chapstickchick · 10/08/2008 13:02

id never heard of the term high functioning before my dh drinks....a lot he can drink almost a litre bottle of rum in a night sometimes 3 nights a week-when hes had a drink hes not wibbly drunk but hes much nicer with a drink- without a drink hes often cross and grumpy he is quite overweight he says hes not an alcoholoc because he doesnt drink every day (he does he just doesnt see that coming home from a night shift 4 nights a week and drinking several beers and several rums isnt 'normal')

every time we go shopping i know he will buy alcohol -im not a big drinker he doesnt buy alcohol to the extent we cant afford to live but we would have far more 'free money' if he didnt drink.

Original poster
aleene · 10/08/2008 13:19

Thank you for your replies.
He is his own boss, that is why he can drink and then go to work. I know he worries about his business, that is his only big concern i would say. (It is a pub btw, so of course more access to drink). I agree that his tolerance level is very high and that is why he never appears to be drunk.
He is like a zombie in the morning and often sleeps til noon if he is not working til later but otherwise he seems to hold it all together. (This time last month I found coffee grounds vom in toilet but he still adamant there is no problem)
I have gone as far as to tell him 'I think you have an alcohol problem' , my concerns about his health in the future etc but he said I was being ridiculous and if he couldn't drink plus smoke there would be no fun in life. He said he will worry about any health problems when they happen - too late IMO! He really loves alcohol and i can't remember the last day I didn't see him drink; even if he doesn't at home then he does at work IYSWIM. I feel trapped until he realises for himself that there is a problem.

OP posts:
FluffyMummy123 · 10/08/2008 13:21

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland · 10/08/2008 13:23

I live with a smoker.

I wish he'd stop. I did. BUT, I knew he was a smoker when I married him. He knows the risks, he knows what may lie ahead.

But it's his body and he's teh boss of it and nagging him won't help.

I know it's not the same thing, but sort of as smoking can cause some serious health problems and premature death.

Original poster
aleene · 10/08/2008 13:28

I agree nagging won't help.
I knew he was a smoker when I married him but not a heavy drinker, he never used to have drink in the house.
It is the lying part that is hard too. It is not nice to know that your husband is looking you in the face and lying to you.

OP posts:
Notalone · 10/08/2008 13:29

"(This time last month I found coffee grounds vom in toilet but he still adamant there is no problem)"

Aleene - I don't want to worry you but he needs help NOW. My friends mum is a long term alcoholic and she has had it drummed into her that if her mother is sick and there are what looks like coffee granules in it, then she is to call an ambulance immediately. I am not a medical expert but this is serious. Please get him to see a doctor as he may be damaging himself badly

expatinscotland · 10/08/2008 13:31

He can't get help if he doesn't think there's a problem.

That's what so tough about living with an addict.

I think aleene needs help, perhaps from al-Anon or the like, to see how best to handle how this affecting her and her life.

llareggub · 10/08/2008 13:34

How do the whites of his eyes look? Are they becoming yellow? His skin?

Notalone · 10/08/2008 13:36

Yes expat, I agree. Mr friends mother didn't seek help for years and my friend went through hell trying to get her to see sense. She has now been through rehab and they have all had counselling. My friend said one of these services similar to Al Anon were invaluable at giving her support while she watched her mother on the path to self destruction

Original poster
aleene · 10/08/2008 13:37

Sht, I suspected as much and posted about it at the time Notalone* but was trying not to worry about it as it seemed to be a one-off event. (unless it is happening at work)
I asked him to go to the doctor, he flatly refused. He wants to stick his head in the sand - and he wants me to shut up and leave him alone...

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 10/08/2008 13:39

You need to save yourself, aleene.

I'd try al-Anon right away.

Notalone · 10/08/2008 13:40

Gosh sorry Aleene - I must have missed that one. What was said on the other thread? I don't know exactly what the coffee granules thing means medically but I know its not good.

How long has he been drinking heavily for do you know?

Original poster
aleene · 10/08/2008 13:44

A long time...
I am going to try to talk to him again today later.
Have to go now and feed DCs etc, be back later. Thanks again for your replies.

OP posts:
Notalone · 10/08/2008 13:46

Good luck - come back later and let us know how you have got on.

llareggub · 10/08/2008 14:22

Yes, best of luck. Let me know if you ever want to chat, I've been there and come out the other end.

MrsMattie · 10/08/2008 14:26

Hiding empty bottles rings massive warning bells for me. I'd broach the subject with him.

DarrellRivers · 10/08/2008 14:26

And I second the suggestion on Al-Anon
Google them, it is for all relatives of problem alcohol drinkers
They give good support, I think you may need it, alcohol is a hard hard master
Publicians have a high incidence of alcoholism
Remember to look after yourself and your DCs as well

Janni · 10/08/2008 15:30

Admitting there's a problem would mean a massive change in lifestyle for him as a publican - he could hardly be expected to stop drinking and run a pub, so this is a really tough one.

llareggub · 10/08/2008 15:51

It is possible to stop drinking and run a pub. I once worked with a teetotal publican, but I must admit it is not a good career for an alcoholic.

Janni · 10/08/2008 15:58

I should think it's OK if you've had a period of recovery, but it must be torture if you're trying to stop and you're surrounded by the stuff every time you go to work.

LittleBella · 10/08/2008 17:11

My brother used to run a pub, he saw the lie of the land very quickly and realised that if he did not become teetotal, he would become an alcoholic. So he became teetotal.

A surprising (or perhaps not) number of publicans are teetotal.

ByTheSea · 10/08/2008 17:35

My DH drinks a lot, and I think he may also be a high-functioning alcoholic too. He never hides the bottles and rarely seems drunk (unless we are with other people in a party or holiday atmosphere), but can easily get through more than a bottle of wine every night and starts drinking at lunchtime weekends. In ten years of marriage, I have never seen him go a day without, including when he's ill. He gets cross if I say anything about his drinking, as he holds a good responsible job, does a lot around the house and with the kids, doesn't drive, is slim and fit, the sex is good, etc. He used to manage a pub when he was younger and is always fantasizing about doing that again, which probably wouldn't be a good idea. That must be very hard.

It's mostly his long-term health I worry about too.

expatinscotland · 10/08/2008 17:37

My dad tends bar at a private club voluntarily and is teetotal.

LittleBella · 10/08/2008 18:16

Hmm, BtS I agree that your DH may be a high functioning alcoholic too!

Seriously, you know his drinking is a problem, don't you? Not now, but in future. Eventually he will lose control because that is the nature of alcohol addiction. The level of booze you can consume without significant ill-effect, simply doesn't remain constant. And if he hasn't had one dry day in ten years, I think that probably tells you all you need to know.