"But we took you to stately homes" - Part 4

[oneplusone]

Can't beleive we're onto part 4, although i can't see this thread ever dying.

I was just reading through past posts to try and catch up on the months i have missed and something somebody said has triggered something for me. I know my mother didn't bond with me or love me and i think part of the reason why was because she thought i took after my dad whom she hates (although she is too gutless to leave him). I remember when i was young her saying things like my hair was like my dad's but she wouldn't say it an affectionate way, but quite a venomous way and it always made me feel uncomfortable when she said that but i must have been too young to figure out why.

The more i realise about my mother the more i despise and hate her. I remember she used to play hide and seek with me when i was very young, about 3. Only she would 'really' hide in a place i would never be able to find her. I remember crying and feeling completely distressed one time as i thought she had gone and left me alone at home. It was only after i had been crying for some time that she jumped out laughing from her hiding place. What a nasty, cruel, ugly piece of work and she parades around looking as if butter wouldn't melt and she has a lot of people fooled including my 2 sisters. I know my dad can see her for what she is which is why she hates him and i can see her true colours too which is why i hate her.

I know inside she is deeply insecure, lacks intelligence, strength and integrity. I have witnessed her lie, manipulate and cheat to get what she wants and the people to whom she lies and those who she manipulates are us, her own family. I just can't beleive my sisters cannot see through her, they are totally blind and deaf to her true character and have completely fallen for the victim role she has carved out for herself.

Cutting off my parents was the best thing i ever did and i have realised i need to set some boundaries with my sisters, my last remaining friend and even DH. How to do that is another thing, something completely new to me.

Congratulations Sakura!

OnePlusOne, I found the links interesting, especially the first one. I would feel like I was being melodramatic if I said I was traumatised yet when I read the article I kept saying to myself "Yes, that's me, and that and that and I recognise that etc". I have an ongoing problem with feeling I need 'permission' to feel what I feel it seems. Feeling like people would scoff at my feelings for 'only that, is that all that happened' holds me back from letting myself feel it and deal with it.

I've been to therapy again today. We were actually talking about how I don't "honour my emotions" and "use them as signposts" to what I need to do next because I feel I 'shouldn't' feel this and I 'shouldn't' feel that and I shouldn't feel it so strongly and I thought I was 'over it' so I shouldn't still feel anything. I've done all the 'practical' things I can do about the things that bothered me, ie I have said all I wanted to say to the people concerned and set better boundaries, so if I still feel things then wtf more can I do about it?!

I still don't trust my own feelings and judgements and feel that I might just be 'mad' or hormonal or illogical or being stupid. DH makes this worse because whenever we argue he manages to convince me, with all his logic, that I am being stupid - EVERY time! I don't know what to believe anymore. Maybe my feelings about being 'mad' are worse right now because we had an argument on Saturday.

I seem to be going through a phase where I am feeling lots of things, more intensely, when I couldn't feel much for a while the last few years, not just bad things, but I'm finding it hard to process it all, I can't concentrate on my day to day tasks and I can't relax. Some of my feelings I ignore because there just doesn't seem time in my day to think about it. The rest I think 'it is nuts to feel that' so I try not to feel it, but I can't not feel it so really I'm repressing it, - which is making me have more and more sudden outbursts on the people around me.

I can see that repression makes me 'mad' and it is getting harder and harder for me to have that self control. I don't want to 'shut up and just take it' from anyone any more. It scares me that I feel I am becoming aggressive and I'm likely to have more arguments. But how do I know it is 'ok' and just me standing up for myself more now or if it is the pills (birth control) I'm on making me different?

We also talked about anxiety about the children. I keep visualising bad things that could happen to them then being really scared that those things might happen and I can't relax and tend to overcontrol the children. I think the thing that makes it hard for me to control the anxiety is the feeling that if the smallest bad thing does happen to the children it will be my fault. Therapist did that patronising "Aha!" look when I said that.

I find the huge responsibility of being a mother really hard. Things happened to me that my parents 'didn't notice', or chose not to notice, but I am now scared that 'what if something bad is happening to one of my children without me noticing!'. I can't bear the thought of it, so I find myself watching them like a hawk, listening out for them and trying to control them too much. I can't relax and I find it exhausting. I really do blame my parents for a lot of things so I feel if I am going to blame them then anything that happens to my kids must also be my fault.

Therapist said I am blurring the boundaries between poor and neglectful parenting by my parents who allowed bad things to happen to me, and overcontrolling parenting (by me). I'm not sure I understand what he means(?). He did say that I need to judge whether I am doing a reasonable amount to keep them safe but that if I am, then anything bad that does happen (which will) is not my fault. I can understand this but I can't get it into my head and believe in it. I feel I must take every preventative measure and there must always be something more I could do.

I have trouble leaving the house because I feel I must prepare for anything that might happen and pack a bag full of bits of crap that there is a slim chance I might need (but rarely do). Then, (I definitely haven't got OCD, just being pretty silly), I have to go back and check I have locked doors, check loads of times that I have my keys and when I park the car I often go back and check it because I can't convince myself that I haven't parked it in the middle of the road or accross someone's drive without realising, or that I have locked it or left the lights on. Packing for holidays and weekends away really stresses me because I can't bear the thought that I have forgotten something I might need otherwise something bad will happen.

If I feel totally in control of what is going to happen I feel better. If someone suddenly suggests doing something slightly differently to what I had planned or they suggest a new thing to do my first feeling is to panic and resist and not let them 'control and take over my life'. I feel rushed and pressured and that I won't have enough time to fully prepare for what is going to happen. I often have to prepare mentally as well as practically. I need time to visualise the situations and conversations that might arise and work out what I would do or say. I feel I need to be in control, but especially more now I've got kids because I need to be in control in order to protect them (who I see as being incredibly vulnerable) from anything that might be harmful. I need to feel prepared for anything that might happen and know that I can deal with it.

God, writing all this is making me think I am completely fucking mad! Can anyone make any sense of it? Therapist thinks EMDR might help, although he keeps saying this about different things but hasn't done it yet.

Sorry, forgot a bit - I sometimes feel that repressing my emotions is essential eg when my DD makes me feel rage! I can see that her being controlling or physical with DS is a trigger for my feelings from when my brother treated me badly and I can see that she is not being as bad as he was but I am STILL feeling it! And the anxiety that she might harm DS is intense. But I HAVE to repress this don't I because I can't unleash my rage on her! And if repressing it means I can't process it then I can't process it. I suppose I need to do more of my 'anger techniques', writing down a load of venom 'to' my bro then bashing things in the cellar with my bat. I can't do it except on the days I'm alone though and often on those days I am not feeling angry enough to feel like doing it. If I'm feeling happy why would I want to revisit the bad feelings on purpose?! I suppose it is something I should make myself do as part of the therapy - a 'worse before it gets better' thing. I do seem to avoid doing it. I have more denial about my bro than about anything else.

An- I think all of what you write about how you are reflects nothing but sanity.
Much of this stuff is normal. Most women find the responsibility of motherhood tough and a huge amount of pressure, because it 'is' tough. It's certainly the hardest job I have ever had.
The bit where you say you are anxious if anything happens to your children because then it will be your fault. Do you think this is because you still carry the burden of believing what happened to you was your fault?
Certainly your mother has painted a picture of it being your fault. Only because she was too weak to take any reposnibility (and clearly still is).

I have had contact this morning. Had a card from my mum and some vouchers for a favourite shop of mine.
It is a birthday card. It is my birthday tommorrow. I am 40. Huge milestone and tinged with much sadness.
I keep thinking of something oneplusone said, and it makes so much sense to me right now.
She said something about the reality of her relationship coming into line with her emotions.
This is how I am feeling. I am processing grief. I am only just beginning to acknowledge that this is what it is. Layers of denial have been peeled away and I am left here shivering with grief and sadness.

This is how I have ALWAYS felt inside. I have always felt this sadness. Its only now that it has become linked to reality. The reality is I never ever felt loved by my family. I lived with a bunch of people who I called my family but none of them loved me, and certainly not unconditionally.

I see now why this all had to come to a head when I returned from overseas. They 'loved me' for being in the glamour of sydney and focussed more on me then than they ever have. Saw and spoke to me more than when I lived ten minuites down the road.

There love is totally conditional. Conditional on making them look good.

I see now why I couldnt say no to the christening. SOme part of me was still holding back from the grief, still wanting acceptance. Wanting to give them the opporunity to say 'sorry' and really mean it. Take responsibility for failing so miserably at parenting me.

This will not happen. I know that now.
This all 'feels like a step back but really is a step forward in disguise.

The only person who can replace the nurturing mother figure I have cried out for all these years is me.
That is very empowering actually.

BTW. Mother sent it all registered post so we had to sign for it and asks in the card for me to let her know if I got it.
So still trying to force contact with a bit of manipulation.

Smithfield, thank you so much for saying I sound sane. I know it is easy to say but it really does make me feel a bit better. I do feel this is mainly DH's fault. It was highlighted in my mind by an argument we had at the weekend. It was fairly trivial but has made me think about what I feel is a serious issue in our relationship. Whenever I criticise him or get upset by something he has done he invalidates my feelings, convinces me with all his logic that I am wrong and implies that I shouldn't trust my feelings because I am hormonally imbalanced and messed up by my childhood. I feel like he messes with my mind and tries to brainwash me and it reminds me a bit of my parents. I find it disturbing.

I had thought things were quite good in our relationship for a while but now it seems like everything is fine so long as I never criticise him and just 'take' anything he does that I don't like without saying anything. He never apologises or says "I can see why you might feel that".

I'm having paranoid thoughts of he is 'keeping me down' by making me believe I am mad. I'm feeling depressed.

I want him to make me feel loved. I've never felt loved by my family and I probably rely on DH too much to make me feel loved. When he doesn't I feel alone and despair.

Smithfield, you are very strong to say that you can get this love from yourself but I don't feel I can. I'm not sure if it IS possible to get over the grief and loss of not having parents who showed love. At times, like now, I really feel it. I know this is going to sound childish and melodramatic but I feel I was an accident dumped into the world, hardly noticed by anyone, just tolerated but not special to anyone. I feel so unimportant. I feel angry and sad and feel it's not fair. I feel guilty going on about 'poor me' when I know lots of you feel similarly.

I want someone to make me feel important and to be impressed by me like in the first stages of being in love. I feel DH has a really unimpressed and scornful manner about him, with everyone not just me but I wouldn't have noticed it consciously when we first got together until I was too into him to leave. I think this drove my compulsions to do slightly wrong things with other men (to get that first feeling of them being impressed by me) and when I am feeling angry with DH the latest 'OM' comes into my head. (I do know it is wrong and have stopped doing all that stuff).

I can see that I might subconsciously have got with someone who makes me feel like my parents made me feel (unimportant and inferior) because we are drawn to what is familiar (this reminds me of things OnePlusOne has said in previous posts) and it disturbs me because I want to get away from all that seems part of my childhood. But I don't want to leave DH. The thought is very frightening. And there are lots of things that are good about the relationship which make it worth staying in, but the things I've typed about really bother me.

I want to make a big effort not to let anyone make me feel I am going mad and make me distrust my own thoughts and feelings. I want to be confident and happy with who I am despite what some people might think of me. My self doubts are really strong at times though, like now, and I feel I need reassurance that I am not mad. I want to be who I am and not change myself because of feeling dependent on DH and he can take me as I am or leave. I often do feel weak and dependent on him.

I don't know for sure but I think he wants me to feel weak and dependent on him and to distrust any feelings of him being bad because he has insecurities of his own and is scared of me leaving him. I can see the logic of how it might come from the way his mum idolised him and overindulged him when he was born and was so wanted and waited so long for, but then she had baby twins, one who was incredibly demanding and the attention was suddenly taken away from DH.

Also I think some of his past behaviour to do with ignoring me in favour of other people in his 'gangs' who he saw as 'cool' comes from a subconscious revenge against his mother's sudden witholding of attention (with the revenge being directed at me as the scapegoat instead of his mother). I also think it comes from when he had a nice group of friends who abruptly got with new 'cooler' friends when they went up to secondary school and turned against DH and bullied him. He might have felt he was ok until someone 'better' came along and then he became unimportant, and this is exactly how his behaviour towards me made me feel in the early part of our relationship (after the honeymoon period).

Even if I can make sense of DH's behaviour, I don't want to be someone's scapegoat anymore, not my brother's, not DH's. I don't want to be just tolerated because people can't get anyone 'better', my parents couldn't have their own biological children and I have a nasty disrespectful feeling towards DH that he settled for what he could get when he met me. I want people to want me because they think I am good and special. I have often befriended the 'saddest' most unpopular people I've met because I myself feel that 'normal' people would feel I wasn't good enough for them. I have ended up with a few 'nutters' who have 'drained' me and Therapist is saying I should be reviewing my friendships at the moment. The thing that scares me is that I seem to be also 'reviewing' my marriage. This again, reminds me of something OnePlusOne said in a previous post.

As usual, sorry to go on and on. I feel a bit shit today.

I just read this back and its long. Don't feel obliged to reply! I just wanted to get stuff off my chest.

AN I know exactly where you're coming from with your last couple of posts.
But first of all I want to say that I think anyone who wonders about their own behaviour- whether their behaviour is sane or not- is probably EXTREMELY sane. The really mad people would never ever stop to think about their behaviour. When I'm with DH I often feel like its me who is the 'mad' one and I sometimes wonder how much he does to fan this flame...

At the moment I feel like I have to use 'damage limitation' with regard to myself and DH. I'm not so sure I can trust him not to get 'tired' of me one day and move on (like what happened to that girl, humanbean, on the other thread.)
What I mean is, there are a couple of things that I have seen since being married to him that make me feel that he is not really married to me. Sort of like he is married to someone, he has a wife, maybe a good wife, but he doesn't know the first thing about me, Sakura. I feel that when I shout or argue at him he pulls out the 'you're insane' card and so that gets rid of the real 'Sakura' again and I crawl away and become "wifey" again. Its so warped because it means my identity is coming FROM him. But this was mainly how it was before I cut MIL out of my life. In fact, now things are a little better and I've recovered a lot of my idenity. (I write a journal and that has helped immensely. I also started a part-time satisfying job, which helped too.)
But what I really feel in all of this is lonely. As you said AN, your DH has things that are good about him, Mine does too- he's a 'good provider' (HATE that term but it enables me to be a SAHM), he's generous (but thats more about him looking good in his own eyes, I think), helps with DD etc. I could do worse. But when it comes to the crunch, I'm on my own. My darkest, deepest fears and feelings I have to keep to myself (I could share these with X boyfriends). I feel that I must become financially independant somehow so that should the worst happen, I will be okay.
Although I agree with Smithfield that it is liberating to know that you are the one who is there to provide your own comfort ( because you are no longer waiting and hanging on someone else to give it to you), but at the same time I still wish I wasn't so completely alone! I have my brothers, I suppose, and they'd help me in a crisis, but their own lives are so messed up I would never want to burden them. I think I just want someone to take me in their arms and tell me everything is allright, exactly like it is in that first flush of love AN, when the man adores you and is fascinated by you and all that...

Sakura - many congratulations!

Smithfield - I understand what you're saying about birthdays. It was my dd2's yesterday. Her gp's (my parents) at least had the heart to send her a card, albeit with the 59p price label still stuck on it. Wasn't signed off with kisses as they previously was. They couldn't even ring up and wish her happy birthday.
So DD2 did it herself. (she's now 11 btw) She had precisely 3 minutes on the phone with grandad. Thay haven't spoke since June and DD2 called them up then too. DD2 asked why he had to sign off there and then. Dad said 'oh, I've got my brother here and we need to catch up'

That's my uncle whom I haven't seen for almost 20 years due to a fall out with dad and my nan and my uncle. I've had the shitty and bitter emails off my aunt earlier on this year. She doesn't even know me anymore.

But 3 poxy minutes on the phone on her birthday? My dad hadn't seen his brother for 20 years either. Now their acting all best of friends...

I just feel that they know I haven't got any family left, and that maybe they could be rubbing our noses in it somewhat. I can feel all the anger slowly bubbling to the surface tonight.
I've been reading too much of my 'Toxic parents' book and can feel all that anxiety rising up again. It just feels horrible.

Pages - great to see you posting again.
AN - you write novels! It's good for you!

AN, sakura and smithfield, I can totally relate to so much of what you have said recently.

Sakura, what you said about your DH having a wife in you but not really knowing or seeing you, sakura, rings so true for me. And about the fact that you cannot reveal your deepest darkest feelings to DH applies to me as well. I did in the past reveal some things to him, only to have him use them against me later during arguments etc. He has also pulled out the 'you're mad/insane because of your family' card as a way of ending arguments in his favour. It all used to upset me a lot, and I suppose it still does, but perhaps i have come to accept it now. And like you, i do want to be financially independent of DH so that if the time comes, I can end our relationship. But for now, like your DH, he is a good provider, he dearly loves our DC's and he is good to me as long as I don't 'rock the boat' ie by criticising him etc.

What you said here nearly had me in tears as that is just how i feel, "I think I just want someone to take me in their arms and tell me everything is allright,........" only I don't want DH or another man to do that, I want my parents, and i know it is the longing of the little girl inside me for parents who will look after her, who she can run to when she is scared and lonely, who she can talk to about her deepest fears and who will reassure and comfort her.

That longing is always somewhere there inside me and i think it will always be there. Very occasionally it may be temporarily satisfied by somebody in my life, but the original feeling will never be satisfied as the time for that has long gone and can never be recovered.

I wanted to post about my mother. She wrote to me a while ago and I only recently read her letter. There was nothing in it that surprsed me, just the usual saying sorry but having no idea what for, asking for forgiveness but having done nothing to deserve forgiveness. I have been thinking about what she said today and i am feeling so angry. She has clearly given no thought to and has NO IDEA what i went through as a child because of my normal turned pyscho father despite the fact that she was there to witness his bullying, nastiness and aggression towards me. Her letter is all about her feeling sorry for herself and admitting she was and still is a coward and that she was too cowardly to stand up for herself against my dad. I am just speechless that she thinks when i told her in my letter ages ago that she was a coward, she thought i meant she should have stood up for herself. I meant she should have stood up for me, her daughter, her baby, her little 11 year old girl, but she clearly hasn't spent one second thinking about me, just about herself. And then she goes on about me finding it in my heart to forgive her, the implication being that i am the nasty hard hearted one if i don't find it in my heart to forgive her. As usual passing the blame and the burden onto me and shirking her own responsibility in all of this. And she also went on about if she turned up at my house would i drive her away, again implying I would be the hard hearted one if i did that. What a selfish bitch. (sorry for my language, but i feel so strongly about this). She is nothing but a selfish, self pitying, cowardly two faced manipulative snake who will never accept any responsibilty for her part in all of this. She thinks she's the victim in our family. I honestly feel like beating the sh*t out of her and i just HATE the way that right now my two sisters are beside themselves with worry and concern about her because she has some heart condition. She doesn't deserve even a second of concern or sympathy, I hope she suffers and is in pain til the day she dies.

I have realised that all this time i have been carrying around the anger, bitterness and resentment of DH and my PIL that they should actually be directing towards my parents. My PIL have seen that me and DH have been having problems over the years and it has appeared to them that I have been the main cause of oru problems. Technically that is true as both DH and I realise now that our problems have been due to the problems 'left to me' by my parents. So whilst appearing to not 'blame' me, I have nevertheless sensed an undercurrent of anger and resentment towards me from my PIL for causing problems for their beloved son and not being the wife they thought he deserved. I think now they are not entirely unreasonable in feeling protective and concerned for their son, but that their anger, bitterness and resentment should be directed towards my parents and not me. Since realising this, I have felt a burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I have been feeling guilty that because DH married me, he has has a much more difficult time of being married than if he had married someone else without all my family baggage. I know most people have some sort of baggage but I know not everyone has been through the sort pf traumas i went through as a child. Anyway, my guilt is no longer because i realise now that all my issues/problems are not my fault, they are my parents' 'legacy' and my DH's anger, bitterness and resentment should be directed towards my parents.

I also feel fresh anger at my parents for what they did as because of that i have been less 'available' to my DC's than if i hadn't had all these issues to work through. All the time and energy I have had to and am still spending on processing/pondering etc could have been spent on my DC's and DH and i hate and resent my parents for taking that away from me. And i also hate them for the guilt I feel at what I know my DC's have suffered because of me, but really ultimately because of my parents. Even the fact that i have had to put DS in a nursery when he is not even 2.5 is down to the fact that I need time to myself to 'sort myself out' and again that is also due to my parents. I feel so terrible every time i drop off DS to his nursery, I feel he is somehow being punished and he has done absolutely nothing wrong, it is my parents who deserve punishment, they are the ones who are wholly in the wrong.

I HATE them so much. Even my eczema which i have mentioned before i due to them, and over the years i have spent months if not years suffering because of it and it has taken away chunks of my life through me not feeling able to do things because of it.

The whole burden belongs to my parents and I despise them for trying to wriggle out of shouldering it and trying to pass it back onto me. I am not carrying it around for them any longer. It's as if they had me and then 'stole' my life from me as soon as i was born. My life was never mine, I was always theirs, to use, abuse, exploit, burden with their insecurities, fears and failings. I was blamed for their mistakes, their failures,their shortcomings, I was their rubbish bin and i was treated as such. Kicked around, not valued, cherished, loved, respected. And they did all this to a little girl, an innocent, defenceless, vulernable little girl. It was a complete exploitation of their power and position, the worst crime possible.

Sorry, I know i'm rambling, i just need to offload as i haven't been able to post for a while.

In one of the links i posted it talked about childhood psychological trauma which i know may not apply to all of you. But i feel it did apply to me. What happened to me when i was 11, which i still cannot bring myself to post about in any sort of detail, was like an unprovoked, unexpected attack from the person who you least expected to attack you.

I was close to my dad until i was about 10. And although it seemed to me at the time that he turned 'psycho' overnight, it must have happened gradually. I wasn't at all close to my mother, but that didn't matter as my dad was loving, kind, generous, caring and nurturing and he seemed to like me, enjoy my company and took a genuine interest in me. So to me as a child, when he changed from a good dad into an angry, vicious, nasty, abusive, it must have been a bewildering, scary, confusing time. And my mother did nothing to reassure me, she certainly didn't 'step in' to take my dad's place as the loving, caring parent. She kept her distance from me as she always had done. So I think the 'incident' involving my dad was hugely significant, not just because of what actually took place which was awful, but what the incident signalled to me as an 11 old child. It meant to me that i was not close to or attached to either of my parents, the attachment i did have to my dad was destroyed by his actions, and there was no attachment to my mother anyway. So it meant i felt neither of my parents loved me and it must have felt much worse as I had felt that my dad loved me but then he suddenly turned on me and acted like he hated me. I think it made me question his love during my first 10 years as well as some of the things he said during the incident made me think he had hated me the whole time and had just been pretending to love and like me. So my whole world was destroyed at that moment and neither of my parents ever took any steps to put it back together for me and so it has remained destroyed ever since. I suppose what i am doing now is trying to myself back together, but perhaps the cracks will always show.

I am astounded that neither of my parents seem to have the slightest comprehension of how their behaviour towards me must have affected me but then perhaps i shouldn't really be surprised at this. But i was 11 years old FGS, do they seriously think a child can go through a seriously traumatic, terrifying incident and just skip away as if nothing has happened? Perhaps because i always acted like everything was ok, i never showed my true emotions to them (of course i didn't they weren't interested) they actually beleived that i would just bounce back unaffected by the highly traumatic 'incident' along with years of general abuse and neglect.

Like you, i feel very lonely at times, i want somebody to look after me, to take all my worries away, to think about me and my needs, but again, that longing is that of the little girl inside me, whose childhood was taken away, who was forced to grow up early, who never had her needs fulfilled as a child, she had to put aside her needs, suppress them, pretend she didn't have these needs as the disappointment and pain of not having them fulfilled as a child would have probably been too much. But those needs are still there, will always be there. We can nurture ourselves as smithfield says, but really, i want to be looked after, nurtured and loved by somebody else, to put down this burden even for a short while and just feel light and free, because somebody else is 'carrying' me. But how can that ever happen to me as an adult? Who would be willing to do that? Nobody. DH does do little things for me and i feel the burden lighten a little, but it is always there.

Sorry, i know i am being depressing now, but it's how i feel.

oneplusone- Dont apologise. They are your feelings you are right. Better to get them out than bottle them up.
That incident you speak of, without knowing what it was I felt the force of what it meant to you by what you wrote.
That must have 'really' shaken any trust you have in anyone loving you.

-------

I feel all my anxiety and panic return. Almost as bad as when I had the call from my mum.
My dad sent a card and I got it yesterday. It said simlpy '..to Smithfield from dad xxxx' and ' Love to smithfields ds and dd'.
There was also a cheque inside for rather a large sum.
Initially I felt relief when I got the card. I think I equate money with love and my first thought was ' so he does love me after all'.
Currently I feel rage. I feel like he has tried to literally buy me.
I feel this way after speaking to my db today (this evening). He asked if I got the cheque from dad and then swiftly said '..so have you rung him yet then?'.
I said I hadn't but that despite his daughter giving birth he had not spoken to me either in a year, and how can he write a cheque for such an amount and yet not make a call.
To which he replied '...maybe he thinks you will slam the phone down...like you did to mum'.
This is the first time we have come anywhere close to acknowledging what has/is happening. I feel so angry, sad, anxious all at once.
I tried telling him how painful this all is for me and how difficult it will be to go next week and face everyone. He just said but this is about us (as in him and his family) not them.
He then changed the subject. I feel this has triggered huge emotions from my childhood. This is how it would always be, I think I probably am shy and sensitive and was this way as a child. So when I tried to express myself and was knocked down every time I felt humiliation.
I feel it as keenly now as I must have done then. It as though Ive been brainwashed since birth. Your feelings DONT count. YOU dont count.
Although I know rationally it is not the case, If I write a post here which occassionally doesnt get acknowledged it really hurts inside, I feel silly and want to shrivel up. Yet I know this is completely irrational. It is a trigger for my feeling when my family discard anything I say about my feelings as unimportant and either not worth answering or brushed aside and sometimes even directly attacking me for having such feelings.
No wonder I always feel a huge sense of confusion over what I do and dont feel, what I should or shouldnt feel.
Ultimately, YET AGAIN, the guilt has been layered on with a trowel leaving me feeling like something in the pit of the earth.
He hints that I will be letting HIM down if I dont go. I am to blame for all the bad feeling in the family.
In the same breath as hinting I am wrong to not call my father he says '...I dont want to get involved'.
This makes me so FUCKING ANGRY. In other words why dont I shut up play nicely and stop making waves. And dont bang on about how YOU might feel because I dont fucking care.
Sorry I do apologise for the swearing but now 'I' feel like taking a frying pan to the lot of them.
I have been tearing myself up about this whole thing and for what???
I have to drive my two precious dcs for 5 hours on moterways, stay in a hotel and then stand in a room full of people which include my parents and sister who have never layed eyes on dd. And it is all my fault because 'I' am being difficult.
All very bloody different when 'he' didnt speak to mum for two years.
And my biggest tie to this event was always having his best interests at heart and being grateful for the 'shred' of care he has for me or interest he has in having a relationship with me.
In reality, He only ever 'really' calls me (infrequently)to gloat and tell me how well he is doing and where they have gone, and how they had a great holiday etc etc.
The fact we dont have nice holidays, clothes, cars being beacause we would rather struggle but give dd the best start in life by me taking as much time off work as possible. But no-one mentions that.
It makes me so sad that the only thing that has any meaning in my family is 'money'. Always has been always will be.
My parents wouldn't even see past a ten pound note to see me standing there.
The question is am I strong enough to stand up to them once and for all?

smithfield, your post has made me cry, because what you have said applies to me. Nobody in my family has ever shown any concern for my feelings and so i gave up expressing them, or even 'having' them a long time ago.

My dad only cares about money. He tried to offer me quite a lot of money a while ago which i refused. If i had taken it, it would have been impossible for me to continue to cut him off without feeling hugely guilty. It was a way of him getting his claws back into me, but i didn't let him.

I totally understand how you feel about your brother's christening. If you don't go you will feel you are the 'bad guy' and letting them all down. But when have they ever truly thought about YOU and your feelings? Do they feel guilty about letting you down? About hurting you? If they're like my family, I doubt if they spend any time thinking about you, like true narcissists, all they think about is themselves and their own feelings. My mother thinks she has been the victim in our 'family drama'. She has no thought for me, the real victim.

My advice to you would be for you to put your feelings first as you are the only person who can and will do that. Your family won't think about you. So you have to. And you clearly do not want to go to the christening. If your brother truly cared about you he would understand how difficult and emotionally painful it would be for you to attend. Why don't you send him a card and try and explain that you simply cannot attend the christening and perhaps instead invite him to your place for a nice meal simply to celebrate the christening but in a way that you feel happy and comfortable?

Like I mentioned a while ago, i didn't attend my sister's wedding as my parents would be there, i sent her a nice card and present and although it was a bit tricky at the time, things are fine now. I think my not going to the wedding must have really driven home to my sisters just how badly my parents have affected me. Perhaps it will be the same for you, if you don't go, perhaps your brother will stop and think about you, as for you to take such a drastic step, you must feel very strongly about how your parents have treated you. It's just a suggestion based on my own personal experience, so i know it might not work out the same for you.

And i can relate to you always trying to do things with your brother's best interests at heart. That is how i have always done things in relation to my sisters, only to have it all thrown back into my face and have them stab me in the back as well many times. I am still in touch with them, but I don't expect them to act like i would want 'real' sisters to act towards me. There is no real closeness or feeling between us, they just keep in touch out of habit and obligation, but even they don't actually realise this. They think they do have feelings for me, but it is obvious to me that they don't as whenever a 'hurdle' presents itself, our relationship falls apart which proves to me it has no foundation. It's just a 'house of cards'.

I am going to concentrate my efforts in future not on the relationship with my sisters, but in making and building new relationships, which are truly caring and nurturing. It would be nice if I could have this with my DH, but like Sakura's DH i don't think it will be possible. But I hope that i will find one person with whom i can truly 'connect'.

oneplusone- Thankyou so much for your post. It helps to know that someone understands this feeling. The feeling of having any of your own needs or feelings completely obliterated by those who 'should' have your interests at heart.

What you wrote about you siblings is also true of my relationship with mine;

'There is no real closeness or feeling between us, they just keep in touch out of habit and obligation, but even they don't actually realise this. They think they do have feelings for me, but it is obvious to me that they don't as whenever a 'hurdle' presents itself, our relationship falls apart which proves to me it has no foundation. It's just a 'house of cards'.

It makes me so sad, and I am in danger currently Of going back into denial mode and playing ball with them all.
Tempted to cash the cheque (especially as we are so hard up at the moment.) Tempted to play along with the farce that we are all a happy family.

I finally understand the true meaning of my role. I must remain the scapegoat or I will blow the family apart. My siblings may actually have to face up to their own inner turmoil and their own shit instead of pouring it all over me.

They 'all' know what mum is like but when push comes to shove the say they wont involve themselves or they take 'her' side.
They are all loyal to my dad and wont face up to the reality of his role for fear they will be financially cut off.

They all are reliant on my dad financially in some form or other. All apart from me, who they all look down on because I haven't got as much as they have. The reason they have so much is because they allow themselves to be controlled. Rather be grasping and greedy than true to themselves and who they are.

I could invite my brother over but the truth is he is unlikely to come. My relationship with him is entirely on 'his' terms. If I want to see him I have to go to him. Or I dont see him. Simple as that.
I have been kidding myself there is any kind of closeness between us. It is my last thread of denial.

I admire you in so many ways oneplusone. I dont know if in reality you truly know how strong you really are. You are VERY strong.
It makes me sad that you do not feel you get what you should from your DH.

My DH is the ONLY person who has EVER taken note of my feelings. Therefore the ONLY person I have ever felt secure enough to show my true feelings or true self to. I realise as I type this that I love him so very much. Yet my lack of trust (instilled by my family) has made me very difficult to be with.

I never believe anyone could really love ME and if they do what the hell is wrong with them. My mother has hinted time and again that my husband is unnattractive. Dressed up as a joke of course.

My mother would rather I was with a wealthy and attractive man but if he was treating me like crap that would be of no consequence to her.

I know putting myself first is the right thing to do. Im just not sure if I am strong enough. It seems a huge hurdle for me. A foreign land to be in to finally say my needs are 'as important' as theirs are.

smithfield, i can tell this is so difficult for you. All i can say that if you follow your heart, your real feelings and your instinct I think you cannot go wrong. Even if there are 'consequences' of you not going to your brother's christening, if you have followed your heart in not going, then you will be able to deal with those consequences, I am absolutely sure of that.

I really appreciate your comments to me, so many people have said to me I am brave in what I am doing (eg both my counsellors and some friends) but I don't feel brave. I don't even feel I 'chose' to go down this route. When i began this journey it was as if I was 'compelled' to go on this road by some inner force/voice within me and I just couldn't ignore it. I definately feel now that the inner force/voice was my inner child, the little girl inside me who I had not heard for so many years. She had been sleeping/hiding/waiting inside me until she felt it was 'safe' for her to come out. And somehow, after I had had DS and before that spent nearly a year away from my parents with virtually no contact with them, she must have felt it was 'safe' to wake up. I know all this sounds so very strange, I myself can't really beleive what I have gone through and it has been so hard. I think only people on this thread have any sort of idea just how hard it is to go through what we are all going through. I think we are all strong to face up to our greatest fears, that the people whose love we needed and wanted as children were unable to give it to us. And so we have grown up without something essential for human beings to grow up fully intact and healthy, both emotionally and physically. And now we are trying to make up for what we lost out on as children, trying to repair ourselves, but at the same time we have to carry on with our day to day lives, look after demanding young DC's, love and support our DH's. It is hard, relentless, draining and seemingly never ending. For me i feel the intensity has lessened, I still have ups and downs, but in between i feel more 'stable' than i used to and the 'stable' periods are lasting for longer and longer. So i guess i am really on the path to recovery, but I feel it will be a couple of years yet til I can really look forward more than i look back.

Right, (cracks knuckles in preparation for typing today's novel ):

Smithfield/OnePlusOne, there seem so many similarities in your situations. Your families are desperate to get you back to 'acting normal' like happy families so that everything will feel comfortable and ok for them, but it seems like they are trying all they can think of to make this happen WITHOUT acknowledging that you were hurt and they had a part in it. They don't want to admit that they have done anything wrong. They don't even want to admit that you got hurt. They are trying to act like nothing happened and that you are being horrible to them by being distant.

They are probably feeling angry because they don't like it that you are making them feel (rightly) guilty. They don't want to face up to the fact that they made mistakes, bad enough mistakes for you to feel it is less painful not to have contact with them than to have contact. You can understand the logic of this but it doesn't excuse it. As parents they should be the ones looking after you, not expecting you to disregard your own feelings and needs in order to look after theirs. I think when people decide to be parents they have to do all they can to find the strength to do the things their children need. It IS hard for them to do this but they should, and you shouldn't have to be the ones who have to find a huge amount of strength to do what you are doing to protect yourselves. You are being MUCH stronger than them.

Could you say to them something like "If you would just acknowledge that I have been hurt by things that happened during my childhood and show that you understand why and that you care then I would find it easier to be around you. As it is, the way you behave like nothing happened makes me feel like you don't care about my feelings or me and this hurts and I don't like being reminded of it by seeing you". Maybe you have said all this sort of thing before(?). If they don't know that this is what you want, and they might not, even though it seems obvious to you, then they won't do it. If they DO know this is what you want and STILL haven't tried to do it for you then I can't see that there is anything you can do but stay away from them. If they say "but we DON'T understand why you were upset", you could say "well as my parents I think it is your job to talk to me about it until you DO understand. If a child is upset, their parents are supposed to try to help them, the child isn't supposed to 'help' their parents by denying all their own feelings to spare their parents from having to do their job".

I love this because as I am typing my 'advice' I am feeling clearer and clearer about how I feel about my own situation. It is slightly different in my case I think because I KNOW that my parents CAN NOT do what I would have wanted - (acknowledge I was hurt and show they understand why and what their part was in it and try to help me). I have completely GIVEN UP trying to get them to do this. I get the feeling you both haven't completely given up yet? If you haven't given up then they have the 'power' to keep disappointing you. Do you think they ever CAN/will change?

But I don't think the fact that I have given up makes me further on than you because I am still in contact with mine, which I thought I could handle, and the last visit to them was ok, BUT the last couple of times they have phoned I have felt a violent reaction inside against picking up the phone. I've left it and not answered but then felt I had to phone back later, so as not to be horrible to them, yet I felt resentful and angry that I 'had to' do it and wanted to get it over with rather than getting anything at all for myself out of the phone call. I just can't handle the guilt if I completely cut off so have only been 'half strong' and cut down contact but not cut off.

They don't disappoint me because I've given up but they do REMIND me how sad I feel about not having the parents I wanted/needed. I don't want to be reminded, it hurts. But if I try to turn around my thinking and use the infrequent contact as reminders of how much I have survived and how much I have in my life now compared to what I had then, then I can find this way of getting something out of it for myself. This is my coping strategy (if I keep reminding myself to do it) for having contact because I don't have it in me to cut off.

I can't help feeling that what they have done is not bad enough for me to cut off yet contact with them makes me have difficult feelings and if these difficult feelings feel this bad then what they did must have been quite bad! The thing is, I think that I will have more difficult feelings if I cut off totally because I will have constant guilt and sadness that I don't have any parents any more in even the most shallow ways that they can provide. The way I am doing things I feel bad in short bursts, during brief phone calls or infrequent visits rather than ALL the time. So long as I can do the phone call/visit and then let it go from my mind straight after and concentrate on my DCs and DH I think it will be ok ish.

I think I'm probably doing the 'weed's way' but I think it is what will work best for me at the moment and I'm trying not to beat myself up about being a 'weed' anymore (like my brother did - beat me up for being a weed). I won't let him influence me any more. I have weaknesses and this is ok! I still love and approve of myself! It feels good typing that.

oneplusone, It seems to me...that you are finally starting to 'feel' the trauma, that is, to feel what you went through rather than just intellectualize it and analyse it. I think this is brilliant, and things can only get better from here. When you say that you HATE your mother, it sounds like this is the first time you've really allowed yourself to believe that you do, indeed, hate her. Because of everything she put you through and not just that, but because she tried to offload her baggage onto a little, vulnerable girl. I'm not writing like this to stir the shit, but because I'm relieved that you have reached this point and allowed your emotions to take over. You will come out the other end. This happened to me just before I got married, when I finally realised that I HATED my mother and all that she had put me through. You just let the flood-gates open, let the flood through and then afterwards I promise you a period of calm and respite will come .
You may never forgive your mother (absolutely no need to- There can't be forgiveness without remorse, can there?), but you will definitely reach the point where you can pity her, and see that she is not a goddess in control of your life and soul, but just a withered up old, bitter woman, who can't hurt you anymore.

smithfield (sorry I can only handle reading and replying to one post at a time), I think what I wrote to oneplusone also applies to you. About feeling so sad at the thought of acknowledging the real situation for what it is, that you'd rather just play pretend. HOld onto this sadness, because its what makes you different to the rest of your family. That sadness is a real, authentic feeling and it is you. The others can't feel it because they lost touch with themselves a long time ago. They are probably out of touch with a lot of other things in their lives.

Hi Oneplusone, smithfield, sakura, Acting Normal and everyone.
On husbands-the qualification of the relationship- rang a bell with me. Long ago in college, I was engaged to be married. I remember telling my bf about my mother's mental issues and while I was actually saying the words I remember feeling deep down inside that "maybe I shouldn't be saying this" iykwim. Well, it didn't take long for him to throw it back in my face and I was shocked, utterly shocked that he'd use such a personal disclosure against me. On overall evaluation of the fellow, however, I finally realized that he was the sort to humiliate me for entertainment . For years I told myself that was why I broke up with him (we were together 3 years and engaged for 3 months) which was a good and valid reason-he was an emotional abuser. I knew it even if I couldn't coherently say it. I felt that I just wanted to skip the divorce-so I did not go through with the marriage. But now I know -and sort of had the feeling then- that disclosing mother's issues to him was the death knell to the relationship.

I did not tell my dh about Mother until rather recently and we've been married 18 years. My dh is a different man than the college fellow. He is from a rather dysfunctional family himself (as was the college fellow come to think of it!!) although he has seemingly got through healthy-noting he is on AD.

Got to run and get dd1. Much of the recent discussions have resonated with me. Thanks for sharing.

Back soon,
TMSB

Hi Ally!! You must be about half way-is every thing going ok?
Congratulations Sakura!!

Message withdrawn

Hi-
More on dh...Well, it isn't exactly "happily ever after" is it? Expectations; what did I expect? I expected to be close to dh (someone!). For years it was: (me)How was your day? (dh) The same. (me) Oh. Besides hellos, goodbyes, good mornings and good nights, that pretty much summed up our conversations for years. (me) What would you like for dinner? (dh) Yes.

I know part of it was me from clear self-reflection of being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. I am challenged when it comes to communication-incoherent. We co-existed in the way that is known as "husband and wife" but...
I want to say it didn't "prove" my existence. I did not live to be a wife. Now, with dear baby at the age of 46, I can see that wife as a role is not really a bad thing-make of it what I will is what I will get out of it instead of waiting for the role to magically provide sustenance for my identity hunger.
Same with motherhood in that I of course have to dot the "i"s and cross the "t"s, go through the motions of what is required, but it is up to me to decide to find and embrace the joy of it all.

My definition of it is what provides the definition of me.

But the hollow connection with dh is still there. We are together and that is very solid and I am basically happy-happy that the marriage has survived. But I wonder too if it would have survived if I had not been emotionally numb from my childhood training.

He can still just stab me in the heart and I am just frozen-like if I don't respond to it then-?-well, I'll recover quicker. Don't fight it, just try to recover. Don't go to bat for myself, just recover, survive.

Some background: Dh is catholic and ds and dd2 were baptized catholic at the same time-it was only me, dh and two nuns who happened by because dh's friends didn't come. But we switched to my church-protestant -when dh wouldn't get our marriage blessed when dc were preparing for first communion. So my year of taking the class for my conversion was -just for fun? Again -stabbed in the heart.
Ok, fine, I switched dc over to Methodist. He went to a few services but doesn't go anymore. But he did go to dc confirmations.
One of them, he said he wouldn't go (stab-yes that hurt alot), I said "Oh, ...ok." then he changed his mind 5 min later.

I know he has issues with going to church-any church-(he still considers himself a christian and catholic-just not practicing) and I respect that. I think at one point he said his mom played the 'shame' or 'guilt' card on him too much as a child.

I asked him when he'd like to schedule dd2's baptism because he has a lot of travel. He said he didn't know so I offered a date and he said he wouldn't mind if he missed it. Just lets the breath out of me. So I'll schedule it and if he wants to miss then fine, whether he is in town or not...I know I can't force him. Will I feel embarrassed at church? Probably- but hey, I'm used to people laughing at me-not a big deal anymore. So I change my expectation around that event: the important thing is that the child gets baptized, not who is there or not there. Ds and dd1 (teenagers) may wonder about it -but then he can answer them himself. We are not inviting anyone else. Dh's family is 500 miles away and wouldn't come and my parents are deceased, NO to toxic Middle Sister and Oldest Sister wouldn't want to go to church. I have 2 rl friends that might come if invited, but me? throw a party?...

I am sorry this is so long-I should edit, but forgive me for not doing so.

I had a healing moment the other day-a few weeks ago now. I felt profound loneliness. What I have been denying myself for years...I attempt to self soothe with "Oh, I'm called to solitude",etc kind of BS. So I felt it for a few hours and then acknowledged that I have a family and I am not alone, said "That was then, this is now" and the loneliness lifted. It was gone. I was lonely in my family of origin, not in my current family. What I was experiencing was "leftover" anxiety about abandonment (ACOA), thus loneliness.

I learned about "leftover" anxiety when I got a traffic ticket recently for an expired inspection. For a few days after I got the ticket, every time I saw a police car, I felt anxiety (what am I doing wrong now-are they coming for me again?) So that was anxiety leftover from when I actually got the ticket.

Please give it a try:
That was then, this is now.

Smithfield- (((hugs)))
I really like Oneplusone's post fri 24-Oct-08 at 11:25:49 and her advice concerning the christening. The mindless reflex is to go, but everything in your heart, mind, and body is screaming at you to not go. It will be ok if you do not go. Do you need permission to not go? Smithfield, if I may be so bold, you have permission to not go. Try telling yourself that you won't be going-not an emotionally flooded oration about it, just you won't be able to attend as a simple fact and pay close attention to how your body feels: did you feel a wave of relief and relaxation wash over your entire body from head to toe, or from your heart spreading out to all extremities?
There is a clue in that.
That is how I feel when I say I don't need to see Middle Sister. Relief. By the way, I hate my Middle Sister.

My dear Oldest Sister had a tough week-she did not go to a funeral. Her ex-husband collapsed and later died. They did break up (he started seeing someone else), but it wasn't super nasty and there were no children. She got to see him before he died-waved at him through the icu window. Her current husband-bipolar-went ape-shit (better term?) because she wanted to see ex before he died. Current dh used to be friends with ex, too, but he had no respect or acknowledgment of the present circumstance (like how is a dead man going to be a threat to his relationship?). Talk about reptile brain! Hospital security was called to get current dh out (fighting with ex's friends in waiting room), but OS dragged him out before they arrived. This lead to spousal abuse later that day but no one was hurt physically and the police didn't come. He deprived OS of her freedom for a number of hours-taking away her keys, phone, and other things. Things are ok now and he has agreed to look for work, but how can he hold down a job? I think in her heart and mind, this relationship is over for OS. But he won't leave-no place to go-even though his large family is local, they don't want anything to do with him either. What to do?

Ex has a very mean, I mean witch of a sister. Oldest Sister didn't want anything to do with her, so she decided to not go to the funeral. That was a hard decision for her, but I told her it was ok as she had walked away from that family years ago. I believe people can pay respects in their own way-the public group grieving is only one option. She donated in ex's name to local charity that was meaningful to him and plans to visit the cemetery later, if indeed his sister buried his ashes.

Message withdrawn

Hi Danae!
When I think of me throwing a party I automatically feel embarrassment-tightening in my throat and hot cheeks. Faux pas convention it would be. If people came of course. I've lived here -TMB thinking- 22 years and I really do not have one close friend. There are several ladies I am acquaintances with just from seeing them repeatedly through the children over the last 12/13 years. But no calls just to chat or invites...well I know that is a two way street. I don't pursue it because I know the bunch of them grew up here (I didn't) and socialize together-alot are school teachers-sort of their own clique.

It is just my intuition to stay away, I won't fit in. Why is this? This is what my mother did to me-ridicule and dismiss me-shut me up-I am invisible. The leftover anxiety from that made me a very quiet person-preferring to listen than speak as a rule. My Middle Sister has dutifully carried the banner for my mother after she died. That is why I hate MS-she is a big part of why I feel I am a social misfit. I am feeling better about myself since "taking a break" from Middle Sister (not spoken to since March)-feeling my feelings and allowing myself to actually have an identity of my choosing.

Got to go again-sorry to rush off.
But Danae- it is ok to stop biting your nails. Do you bite them to prove, physical evidence, that you are damaged goods? A physical manifestation of what you feel inside? You are not damaged goods!!! So please, try to stop.

TMSB- Something you said 'really' struck me. It was about the healing moment you had.
I have constant moments of overwhelming loneliness. And It is interesting you say that this is a feeling left over from your childhood.
Ive been thinking recently how lonely my childhood was. The loneliness however is self perpetuated in some way 'these days'(and probably has been seen my teens) because I also fear rejection (probably more so than the loneliness). So I avoid people for fear of rejection and yet I feel lonely. What a dreadful cycle.
I am the same in that I will never invite anyone anywhere. Hate Holding functions because I always think no-one will come.
It cuts me to the core when they dont.
The fact is friends or the 'right' people in my life probably would come. The feelings are once again the leftovers from a family who never thought I was important enough to attend any of my milestone events.
There were always one or another of them who had something more important to tend to.
One of the hardest moments for me was when I had to have an operation and my mother told me blithely she 'had' to go away with my father despite promising to come with me. She knew I had no-one else.

TMSB - In answer to your question- When I think about 'not' going I feel intense fear and anxiety. Greater than when I think of not going.

Once again I think this is another hand me down emotion. If I ever stood up to my parents as a child/teen and even in my early twenties, there was much fear and anxiety attatched to that.

The abuse would be pyhsical and mental. Refusal to speak to me, ostrascised from the rest of the family as my mother would go about the business of advising my siblings 'don't speak to her!'. In the 'heat' of the moment there would be a physical threat which sometimes became a real threat. I can reason with myself that this 'is' not applicable now. Rationalise the feelings away, but it seems so incredibly hard to do so. In the moment the 'feelings' are still real to me.

Danae- I wanted to say that I understand exactly where you are coming from re the xmas stuff.
There is an overpowering need in me to ring and 'thank' my parents for their benevolence towards me. I feel panicky about not doing so.
I felt 'panicky' about not sending my father a present or a card. Same for my siblings. Like you, there was (still is), a huge emphasis placed on birthdays and xmases, and general giving and recieving of gifts.
I just wish they could be pleasant and kind and emotionally benevolent 363,4,5 days of the year and just forget about me on my birthday or xmas.
I have stopped buying toys for ds(although this may change when I return to work=guilt). It feels much better. I think you are spot on, it is to paper over any feeling of inadaquacy as a parent (regardless of wether the feeling is real or imagined). A real live stocking filler.
I tell myself what they need is 'me'(imperfect me is fine) and dh. For us to love them consistently and unconditionally. Oh and food in their bellies and a roof over their heads of course (hence back to work ).
Maybe we should make a pact to have a frugal xmas together.
All my families egos are built off a platform of materialism. Its hard for me not to try and match up.
I still have daydreams of achieving something incredible (becoming a doctor, a best selling author ). This is linked in with the same thing. Trying to catch the conditional love in a net. Trying to get their attention. Trying to be good enough.
But I am good enough as I am. I rationally know that but Ive been programmed to think otherwise.
Guess we have to keep plugging away at changing the internal script. Even if it means writing 100 lines of 'I am good enough' every day.

AN- I am still shaky but I have to admit I have been tempted to choose a middle path (I guess a bit like you have). To go to the christening, pretend for the day and then come home and shake it all off. But as I type this I 'know' this is wrong.
Whatever way I go, I am clinging to oneplusone's words that I 'will' be able to deal with the consequences. I just hope the 'fallout' isn't too great for me if I 'do' go. It doesnt feel like it some days, but I have come a long way in the road to detatching. If I go would this be a huge setback for me?
Also I wanted to ask,and hope you dont mind, but do you think you are influenced by your dh to keep some contact with your parents?
Because I think I am being influenced now greatly by my db. I fear on some level losing the relationship with him and sil. Yet I see (after the call) that he is similar to my parents in how he deals with me. My needs, feelings just aren't considered. Not of any real importance or consequence to him or anyone else in the family. Just the black sheep, the scapegoat up to her old tricks.