"But we took you to stately homes" - Part 4

[oneplusone]

Can't beleive we're onto part 4, although i can't see this thread ever dying.

I was just reading through past posts to try and catch up on the months i have missed and something somebody said has triggered something for me. I know my mother didn't bond with me or love me and i think part of the reason why was because she thought i took after my dad whom she hates (although she is too gutless to leave him). I remember when i was young her saying things like my hair was like my dad's but she wouldn't say it an affectionate way, but quite a venomous way and it always made me feel uncomfortable when she said that but i must have been too young to figure out why.

The more i realise about my mother the more i despise and hate her. I remember she used to play hide and seek with me when i was very young, about 3. Only she would 'really' hide in a place i would never be able to find her. I remember crying and feeling completely distressed one time as i thought she had gone and left me alone at home. It was only after i had been crying for some time that she jumped out laughing from her hiding place. What a nasty, cruel, ugly piece of work and she parades around looking as if butter wouldn't melt and she has a lot of people fooled including my 2 sisters. I know my dad can see her for what she is which is why she hates him and i can see her true colours too which is why i hate her.

I know inside she is deeply insecure, lacks intelligence, strength and integrity. I have witnessed her lie, manipulate and cheat to get what she wants and the people to whom she lies and those who she manipulates are us, her own family. I just can't beleive my sisters cannot see through her, they are totally blind and deaf to her true character and have completely fallen for the victim role she has carved out for herself.

Cutting off my parents was the best thing i ever did and i have realised i need to set some boundaries with my sisters, my last remaining friend and even DH. How to do that is another thing, something completely new to me.

TMSB -Sorry that should say greater than when I think of going

Smithfield,
I do have a foundation of being able to say "no" to MS which opened the path to say 'no' to bigger things...

Oh, like Christmas...one of the big things.

Here we go.

Danae, that was an interesting post about when you were shopping. I can honestly say in my heart of hearts that I no longer have any desire, concscious or unconcsious, to please my mother. But she has been gone for 3 years now, thought it really doesn't feel like that long...

I will have a simple Chrismas here for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I think the Japanese economy (or world economy?) is flailing or something. DH and I are not 'poor' by general standards, although we live in one of the poorest areas. I would say we have a middle class lifestyle but even so we really struggle to buy extras and luxuries. Maybe its the fact that I've been a SAHM for over 2 years now and that is starting to take its toll
Secondly the Japanese don't celebrate Christmas!!! Its a normal working day here. ACtually its considered to be a "romantic" day for couples and nothing more.
So I just pick the closest Sunday and make a celebration as similar as possible to a "British Christmas". We are in the northen hemsiphere so thankfully it is winter here (It must be harder for people in Australia to make a "Christmassy" atmosphere)

Anyway, my mother was a 'career' woman and therefore I always had lots of "Stuff" as a child. The paradox is that I never had any disposable income for myself. I remember sewing my schooltrousers every night where they'd split in the back each day! My mother totally neglected me in that respect. But at Christmas she went all out, which shows it really was more about her than about me. NOt only did she feel like a great parent, but I also think that she got a buzz out of shopping- like a shopaholic. SO all in all, the presents were all about her.

But still when I see beautiful toys in the shops, like carved wooden dolls houses and things, I do think my little princess should have these things--as if that makes her have a proper childhood or something. But we can'T afford them so thats the end of it. And I like to believe she is given more than enough love to compensate for not having all the stuff.

TMSB, your middle sister operates exactly like my MIL regarding gifts. I think our in-laws bad behaviour is very relevant to us because we try to keep our childhood scripts alive through the person we marry. (That is, until you have a 'realization' and begin aquiring insight into what is going on).
MIL gives gifts with HUGE emotional obligations attached to them, obligations that hugely outweigh any value of the gift.
THey are clever, these narcissists--they know that normal people feel obligation and guilt and they milk that for all its worth.
I told MIL no gifts, only birthday and Xmas.
Annoying thing is, my DH works for the family company for crappy wages and does most of the work. MIL has an undefined 'role' in the company, and receives quite a substantial wage for it. I think the family is leaning on my DH, and that DH should be paid what he is worth. And yet MIL, instead of being grateful that we've moved to this bumpkin area to help out the flailing company, somehow feels superiour to us because she has more disposable income

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Danae- I found what you wrote to TMSB very helpful for me as well. This is exactly me. Living in a state of deprivation.
I dont bother with myself and I am petrified of stealing the limelight.
My mother like yours Danae, is also preened to within an inch of her life and so is my sister. I feel like the short fat ugly duckling by comparison.
But I was never supposed to shine.
When I was younger I would sit in a restaurant with my parents and never speak. I was never encouraged to speak either. My sister still does this at 30 years of age.
I think work taught me to put on a front and be sociable if I had to be (preferably with the aid of a glass of wine). I learnt in that forum and without the presence of my mother I could in fact sparkle.
But the other me is almost crawling into a corner and screaming please dont notice me.
My mother was 'always' centrestage. I see that now. When I dined out with them in more recent years I would hold the conversation well, and my mother would narrow her eyes at me and go into a silent sulk. I could feel the pressure to shut up.
I bloody hate her.

I also think you are right with regarding to not being 'afraid' of the feelings I am having currently. But to learn from them instead. This 'is' how I felt as a child I am sure. I have tried to talk myself intpo adult mode. But it just isnt working.
Im afraid of 'letting myself down' in a way by going. But I have to be kind to myself as well I think and say if Im not strong enough to withstand this yet than Im just not. If that makes sense.
How did you know you were ready Danae and take that step to finally cutting off?

TMSB- I relate to what you are saying about the gifts from your sister. This has 'really' clarified how my family deal with me.
My brother rang today and said he wants to book and pay for my hotel.

'purchasing superiority' and 'purchasing control.'

This is so spot on for me. There is a constant fight within the family unit to become top dog and everyone is buying everyone else. It makes me sick. And yet I still feel the guilt, feel the pressure and the weight of complying. Acting like the grateful bottom feeder.
I always wonder what would happen if I won the lottery (gosh I'm such a fantasist). That would throw a real spanner in the works though wouldnt it.

Thanks for responding. I know what you mean about feeling insulted if ignored, even in cyberspace, Smithfield.

I feel our situations are common in that we are in a kind of glass box that detains us from living our full lives due to our crap parents and crap childhood. My Middle Sister sucked all of the air out of mine, .

Danae, thank you, so much-you just identified a huge chunk of my life! "Place of deprivation"-that is exactly me, being a 'good kid' being able to take 'no' for an answer oh so easily. I can do without (fill in the blank). Being in the band, the dress I wanted, going to the dance-then and now it is a decent wardrobe, a social life, and how about my self-esteem. I sacrificed that for my MS, but no more.

My mother was bipolar and an alcoholic. She just wasn't available to me, either on Valium or drunk. I was a tomboy-an athlete before it was ok for girls to be athletes- and I think she just didn't like/love me because of that. The annihilating panic and anxiety that you wrote to Smithfield manifests itself in me in recurrent dreams of abandonment (homeless, or in my dream I am serving on a Navy vessel and am 'odd girl out' ostracized and homeless on a ship!) These dreams are diminishing, thankfully. I know I won't be abandoned. While shopping the other day with dh, we were separated for a while and I didn't get a panic and feeling that he was going to leave without me.

Smithfield-I wish you luck in processing your feelings. Having them at all is a big step, but we were never taught or shown how to deal with them. The threshold for me disconnecting with MS was Pages saying, "Why on Earth would I continue to put up with this?"

Sakura, I am glad for you that you can set boundaries with your mil. Your inlaws have manipulated you and your dh into a difficult spot that will many aspects of your lives. Is your dh planning on keeping these circumstances permanently?

Got to go...

Hi Smithfield,

re your comment:-

"But I am good enough as I am. I rationally know that but Ive been programmed to think otherwise.
Guess we have to keep plugging away at changing the internal script. Even if it means writing 100 lines of 'I am good enough' every day".

You should put that first sentence you've written on your fridge or mirror because it is true. You do realise that but I don't think you fully believe it yet. Infact you're more than bloody good enough, you are a threat to these toxic people, the one who disrupts their cosy foundations actually built on sand.

You do sparkle my friend, infact every single one of you here do so. You've however, been programmed by these abusive toxic parents to think otherwise. You Smithfield play the "scapegoat" role in that toxic family from whence you came, you not just to say your siblings were and are emotionally abused. Only they don't perhaps realise it but you do and thank goodness you have what they will never likely have - the gift of insight.

You've come a long way - I am very proud of the progress you have made.

My Christmas chez Meerkat will consist of the three of us eating Christmas dinner. Will raise a glass to you all come Dec 25th!. No inlaws either on that day either - Result!!

P.S what's the difference between outlaws and inlaws - outlaws are wanted!. Arf!!.

Sakura- sorry--meant to say would affect many aspects of your lives.

I have recently read: "Disarming the Narcissist" Surviving & Thriving with the Self-Absorbed by Wendy T. Behary, LCSW.

It is a very good book and gives a list of schemas or little vignettes of examples of circumstances involving the effects of having an NPD parent. (Mine was the first one: Abandonment/instability combined with enmeshment/undeveloped self and emotional inhibition, along with social isolation/alienation). It rang a lot of bells for me. Copyright prevents me from sharing the list here. This book also defined my Middle Sister. She is a "covert narcissist".
The book gives instruction for becoming able to live in the moment, feel your feelings, and respond respecting your truth (while perhaps acknowledging what the NPD may be feeling, as well).
It is a good, good book.

Danae-declawed-that is so sad . Why do you keep biting them? Is it just habit now? That was then, this is now?

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Atilla-funny one!

We go to inlaws for Thanksgiving so we can stay home Christmas- I think dh would rather not "go there" given the choice-and he chooses not to.

Danae- good for you. Warm Turkish Towels for you. Anxiety is consuming and it is hard to process what is fabrication in the mind and what is legitimate. It is also similar with me that thoughts about the toxic ones still have harbor in my mind. Could that be parallel to the not having feelings-then finally feeling the feelings that should have been felt years ago- process in the present? Do you journal? Counselor suggested writing down thoughts, tearing page out and shredding it or burning it or otherwise destroying it forever. Out of your head and gone forever.

I want to be a better housekeeper.

Smithfield-MS treats Oldest Sister as a bottom feeder-great analogy. I am probably now in that classification. OK by me OS is a great person and I prefer her company any day of the week.
"I am good enough just as I am."
MS would narrow her eyes and purse her lips and do that annoying scrunching/tilting of her nose and proceed to preach a shopping list of my defects.
As Attila says: She will never have the insight to see she has issues to deal with. I am dealing with my issues, yes, I admit it: I have issues. I strangely don't feel so embarrassed about it-I am just glad I am getting myself out from under all those chains.

Thank you, again everyone. (((group hug)))

TMSB, yes, I think we are going to stay for a while and he is going to work for the 'family' company.
WE have just bought a house and that is one factor. I put off buying one because I didn't want MIL to feel that we were here permanently, that we were settling. But I truly like the area- (mountains, rivers, lakes and sea) and I felt that by NOT buying a house and NOT moving onto that next adult step, my MIL would be in control of our behaviour albeit in a backward way IYSWIM.

Danae, By the way I bite my nails terribly too.
I'm glad you said that MIL sounds vile because now and again I start to pretend to myself that she's not that bad, and that maybe its partly me.
But listen to this. This is sick:

FIL and MIL were in serious financial strife a few years back and they lost their house. Luckily for them, FIL had kept a flailing company going. MIL called her eldest son who was living far-away in TOkyo at the time. She also called my husband. She then cries to them both down the phone about how she needs their help and would they give up their lives and move back home to help them.
Okay, both sons agree.
Except the eldest son put up a really good fight. He really did not want to move back to live near his parents. SO MIL and his own wife put so much pressure on him that he was forced to. The reason the wife wanted to come was because MIL promised that they would buy a HUGE 'generation' house together (the ultimate in status symbol in Japan), and that MIL would pay for all bills and food. THe eldest brother's wife thought this was a good deal. Forget about love, or any respect for her husband.

DH was single at the time and agreed, bu decided to fulfil a childhood dream and live in the UK for a few years before moving back to his hometown (which was how we met)

Eldest son has never made any secret of the fact that he simply does not want to be here in this town. Eldest son LIVES with MIL and FIL!!! He worked in the flailing family company but hated it and so his wife told MIL that if he ever left the family company, she would divorce him. MIL believed this was the sign of a good DIL!!!. MIL doesn'T give two shits about her son(s). All she cares about is that she's got a nice house and lots of money.

DH is the White SHeep of the family and can do no wrong. He has absolutely no insight into her behaviour and believes that his elder brother is causing trouble for his parents for some strange reason.
But I can completely empathize with the eldest brother.

Anyway, its just one big sad sick situation, but I need people to keep reminding me of this because sometimes even I start believing that poor MIL is being bullied by her black sheep eldest son, when he refuses to talk to her properly at home.

Thanks for letting me get that all out, though I don'T know if it even makes sense to anyone because the whole thing is too warped.

TMSB, that book sounds good. I will have a look for it.

Hi all, haven't been able to post for a while and I am 'bursting' to get some stuff out of my head.

I had some weird dreams a couple of nights ago. It's weird as I normally NEVER seem to dream or remember my dreams but since I have been on this journey I have had more dreams than I have ever had. Anyway, the actual content of the dream was bizarre as it often is, but the important thing I think was the feelings I had during the dream. I felt like I had witnessed/experienced some frightening/shocking/worrying incidents and whilst my family (my birth family that is) knew or were aware of what had happened, they were still going about their business, "acting normal" as if nothing had happened. Which meant I was alone in my own world where I knew what had happened and wanted to talk about it, but because everybody else was kind of 'ignoring' it, I felt I had to keep quiet about it.

It wasn't hard to link this dream with my childhood as that is exactly what went on in our house. There were shocking scenes of anger/rage/violence/verbal assault and yet once they were over, the next day, things would go completely back to normal, as if nothing untoward had happened. No wonder I have had so much emotion bottled up inside me, besides the assaults I personally experienced as a child, I witnessed many arguments between my parents and also my dad assaulting my younger sisters although this was a bit less frequent, it seemed to me at the time.

I have been having problems dealing with my feelings about my dad. Because we were close for a number of years and I am sure there was some genuine love from him to me and vice versa, I sometimes find myself feeling sorry for him as he clearly went through some sort of mental breakdown and was in need of help. He was badly let down by my mother who is about as useful in a crisis as a chocolate teapot. She just chose to bury her head in the sand which might have been alright if it was only her who was being affected by my dad's state of mental health, but it was affecting me and my 2 sisters as well and I still can't understand how she could stand by and watch us all being assaulted/abused/humiliated/denigrated by my dad and do nothing. She admits she is a coward but surely even the worst coward would do something if her own children were being hurt and threatened? Can anyone explain to me how a mother can behave like this?

She has a number of brothers and sisters, to whom she is supposedly close, she could have turned to any one of them for help/support/guidance; she could have gone to her GP/friends/neighbours. There were so many avenues open to her but she chose to do nothing. It was preferable to her to watch her children being damaged/hurt because it all went on behind closed doors and if she kept it all a secret perhaps it would just go away and she could pretend it never happened. And the people who would pay the price for her cowardice and negligence would the most vulnerable and innocent ones, her children. My mother is a truly despicable woman. How can she possibly think she deserves forgiveness? And that she should be able to come to my house without being driven away? I feel like writing her another letter to tell her a few home truths and I hope that will give her the heart attack that will finish her off.

She is sitting at home wallowing in self pity, and has given not a thought to me, to just how much I have been hurt by the both of them, and how that hurt is still with me and is still causing me pain even now. I honestly feel so ANGRY with her. One thing I haven't done til now is tell our extended family what my parents did to me, but I think i might start gradually and slowly telling my aunts and uncles and cousins about my parents. I have done nothing to be ashamed of, I have nothing to hide, and I have been avoiding family gatherings because of all that has been going on. But why should I? My parents should be the ones who have to hide at home, they should be the ones who are ashamed to go out and be seen at family gatherings. I have told one or two people within the extended family, but I am now going to start telling others. I feel I am strong enough to deal with those who don't beleive me and side with my parents, but i am going to tell the truth and therefore my conscience will be clear.

Sorry have gone off at a tangent. Was meant to be talking about my dad. I do sometimes find it difficult to hate him as I feel whilst he was mentally ill he wasn't himself and therefore perhaps cannot be blamed for what he did to me. But then i think about how i, as a little girl wouldn't have known anything about the fact that my dad was having a mental breakdown, all i would have know was that the loving, kind dad who i knew, was suddenly no longer and had turned into a kind of monster who seemed to hate me. And that must have been bewildering/terrifying/immensely hurtful for me and it is those feelings I need to try and feel instead of 'intellectualising' about why my dad acted the way he did.

Also, I feel that after he seemed to get over his mental breakdown, he was still deliberately nasty to me. The most hurtful thing he used to almost taunt me with was asking me why i wasn't always pleasant to him like my 2 sisters were. I have always felt that was so cruel even though i haven't always been able to understand myself why that was cruel of him. It was cruel because he knew how he had assaulted and abused me when i was much younger, and that he hadn't abused my sisters in the same way, and so of course they had no reason to hate him like I did and my unpleasantness towards him was simply a result of his abuse.

I am sure, even though my sisters deny it, that my dad unconsciously had an effect on my sisters' relationship with me. They I am sure resented and disliked me as they could see i was unpleasant to both my parents and they thought it was just because i was an unpleasant/nasty/ungrateful person. They had no idea what i had been through because of my dad because it was never talked about and if i ever mentioned 'the past' to my dad he just told me i shouldn't bring it up all the time and made me look as if was being petty for always dragging up the past when he was so nice to me now.

Having just written all of the above i have no idea why i have sometimes been feeling sorry for my dad. And the feeling sorry and i suppose guilt at blaming my dad for something that he perhaps couldn't control was and still is blocking the anger i should rightfully be feeling towards him.

Even if he was having a mental breakdown, he definately wasn't in such a state that he couldn't function normally, he just used to have massive terrible unpredictable rages and i was his target many a time and that is something he could have controlled. Although even as i am writing this i remember not so long ago my own terrible unpredictable rages that i directed towards my own DD, which i seemed unable to control. The reason my rages have stopped is because of my journey of self awareness and my realisation that my rage should be directed towards my parents; my dad is never going to go on such a journey, but he took his rage out on me, my mother and my sisters.

I feel so sorry for the little girl i was once was, for what she went through, so totally alone, without even her own mother to help or protect her. And not just my dad's assaults during his breakdown but his cruelty and torments after, when he had somewhat 'recovered'. I think his cruelty and torments towards me were a way of deflecting the attention from his behaviour and towards me, so that i would take all the blame and he would have to take none, even though it was all his. The injustice of it all makes me sad and angry at the same time, and the cruelty and lack of feeling that this man had towards me, his own child, who he once seemed to genuinely love.

I don't believe in God personally, but I do wonder why there is so much cruelty in the world, why so many parents are so cruel and uncaring towards their innocent children. And yes i know it's a chain passed down from generation to generation, but where did it all start? Have mothers always hated their children? Is it a rare mother in history who actually loved her child and wished her no harm and wanted to protect and nurture her? It seems like a rarity to me, judging by the number of people I have come across who come from 'troubled' families. The people from genuinely loving families are definately a minority in my little informal survey.

oneplusone, I thought about your question- about why there are so many abusive mothers.

Certain feminists believe its wrong to blame 'Mothers' for the way some children turn out- as narcissists, deliquents etc. I think this point of view is wrong. It is the fault of the mother. Every single dictator in history without exception, and every single murderer I've read about had abusive childhoods. SO all in all it is down to the way the mother treats her child.
HOwever, I do also believe in that African saying 'It takes a village to raise a child'. I think there comes a certain point where we have to say its not all our 'mothers' fault. SO I think that society must support women for them to be able to do their job of mothering properly. I don't think this has been the case in many societies over the last couple of centuries. I think WW2 affected society a lot. Poverty has a huge affect on women's mental health. Also, the idea of women having to go out to work and leave their children. I think this is a relatively recent thing to happen in human society (recent meaning past couple of hundred years). THere are so many other factors (shame, fear of poverty/homelessness) that have kept women in unbearable cirumstances and this ultimately affects their mothering, hence the cycle begins. I believe alcohol (even in moderation) has a terrible effect on families, whether its the father or mother who drinks and the effects of this can last for generations and generations.
I don't think men have had it all that great, so I'm not saying its men's fault or that we should blame them. But at the end of the day women are more influential and important to children than fathers are. A mother is the centre of a child's world the way a father is not. So it stands to reason that if a woman is unhappy, then this will have a knock on effect on her children.
If you have the time, please read the continuum concept by Jean Liedloff. There are societies out there where women are cossetted and valued and treasured and the societies turn out to be peaceful and loving.
Lets be honest some societies are more peaceful than others, and some are more bloodthirsty than others. I wonder how much this has to do with women's status in society. And I don't think 'status' has anything to do with whether a woman can get an exective job in the boardroom or not...

Sorry, me again, just thought of something else. I've been the same with DH in a way. I've always looked at what he can do for me I think rather than really seeing him. He was the one who was supposed to rescue me from everything and make everything ok and make me happy at all times! That is very high expectations isn't it! To some extent he has done those things but I've had some disappointment in him, but although some things he's done are wrong (and lots of things I've done) maybe I was expecting far too much.

I've looked at DH and seen him more since the last 'obsession' with OM. I tried to look at DH in the same way I looked at OM, noticing the things I really liked and letting myself feel good about those things. Although there was some 'wrongdoing' with OM, on the upside it seems to have kickstarted my marriage (and sex drive) by making me take a fresh look at it all (because of thinking there must be something quite wrong if I keep 'chasing' other men). It was wrong but I feel I have learnt from it and feel less compulsion to do these things and more contented with what I've got.

DH has gone away for a few days and it makes me see that I do love him because of the pangs of missing him and the good feelings I have about him being here with me at the end of each day.

We have had a couple of big arguments in the last month after having none for a while and I was feeling really angry with him then he started talking about how he felt at school when he was bullied and ostracised from age 11 to 15 until another boy who didn't fit in at all befriended him and gathered up all the other 'misfits' into a gang. From then on DH 'found himself'. I just couldn't be angry with him anymore when he talked about that. He doesn't talk about it because he doesn't want to look 'sad' but he doesn't realise that it makes me have a huge surge of love for him, helps me understand him and makes me want to make him feel better. When I met him I felt he was far up the 'social scale' from me and 'cooler' than me and could leave me any time for someone 'better'. However wrong it is, it does make me feel better to know that he wasn't really this supercool person and he isn't so far above me that I should feel less 'powerful' in the relationship.

AN, thank you for your post, especially what you said about your DD. I can't wait to try this with my DD (just focussing on her rather than what she is saying) to see how it goes. I hope it is 'magic' too. I have been feeling awful about the way I treat DD sometimes. I spent the day with her last weekend with a friend and we had such a lovely time. And it's something that i know already but so easily forget. DD is a lovely,lovely, girl but i seem to just lose sight of that in every day life, when DS is around, there's a million things to do around the house, I'm tired etc etc. She always bears the brunt of my bad moods/grumps/impatience. This week for half term she has gone to her grandma's for a few days and she seems to love it there, she gets loads of attention, doesn't really get told off, and plays with her cousin who lives nearby.

I realise I am absolutely hopeless at managing the 2 DC's. When there is just one of them around I am a different person and of course, so are they. When it's 3 of us, I just can't cope with managing their differing needs and demands and i get frustrated and stressed and the whole thing turns into a nightmare.

Sakura, thank you for your post. I have so much respect for everything you say, you are so considered, articulate and relevant in your posts, I love reading them.

I have had a read of some of the articles on the continuum concept website and it makes so much sense and my instinct tells me it is the 'right' way of doing things.

As you have said if women in our society were valued, if the woman's/mother's role was valued, our children would have a different childhood and our society would be completely different to how it is now and what it seems to be heading into. It makes so much sense; if as a mother you feel supported, valued, recognised, this will surely be reflected in the way you interact with your DC's and in turn will be reflected in their behaviour. And I completely agree with the idea that it takes a village to raise a child. The responsibility of bringing up children is so huge, it is too great for one person alone, and yet in our society the responsibility is all too often resting on solely the mother's shoulders and it's no wonder that as mother's we often crack under the strain or 'blow' because of the pressure.

Hi all, I'm not feeling very good today, either physically or emotionally. Hope you're faring better than me.

Have read through my post and it is very long and rambling, there's no need to read or comment, i feel better just for getting things off my chest.

My eczema seems to have got worse again after improving quite a bit and that is getting me down. L keep thinking back to before I got married and had DC's, you wouldn't have known I even had eczema, I had nice, smooth, even skin and now it is a complete mess. I despair of it ever going back to any kind of even semi-normality. And i'm always worried that I have caused permanent irreversible damage by using creams that had no effect anyway. I always wonder whether I was somehow bound to open up my 'pandora's box' or if it has only happened because I got married and had my DC's which for me seemed to be the trigger to opening the floodgates to my childhood memories. Because sometimes i honestly feel that i would have been better off remaining single and in blissful ignorance of all that i am aware of now as I would have also had my health and would be able to enjoy life to an extent. As things stand now, I am seemingly permanently unhappy/depressed/sad/down about something or the other, whether it's my skin or my family problems. And I am so tired of it, physically and emotionally i feel drained. I wish i could switch off my mind and magically soothe my skin and just be ignorant but carefree and happy, like i was once upon a time a long time ago.

I have realised very consciously recently that I simply do not like DH. I certainly don't love him. It's hard to feel like this and i feel guilty at the same time as in many ways he has been good to me, but in many others, more important ways, he has not. The worst thing he has done is 'pretend' to be supportive over my family issues, but then throw it all back in my face whenever we have an argument. I know he feels bitter that of all the people he could have ended up with, he chose me, the person with the 'heaviest' baggage. I think if he really loved me, or was capable of love at all, he would at least have some sympathy and compassion for all that i went through as a child. But i don't think he has even given it a moment's thought, all he has thought about is the impact of my childhood traumas is now having on him. And yes i agree with him that it's not fair that he has also become an innocent victim of my parents' dysfunction through his association with me, but it's wrong to blame me for that, he should blame my parents.

But what bothers me the most is that because i no longer feel 'safe' in sharing with him my deepest feelings, for fear that he will betray me with them one day, i know we can never be truly close and how can i spend the rest of my life with someone with whom i have no real connection? For now we are together for the sake of the kids and that to me is a good enough reason as we have created a nice home for all of us and day to day life is ok at a superficial level. But if things don't change between me and DH I am almost certain that once the DC's are a lot older and perhaps have left home, me and DH will split up. I guess ideally i need to be with someone who has been on a similar journey to me and who understands all of this.

I have been thinking some more about the traumatic incident with my dad when i was 11. I think that incident was so significant and painful to me because it was like I had 'lost' my dad ie like a bereavment. The dad that i had always known had suddenly died and in his place there was an 'evil/wicked stepfather' type figure (who unfortunately looked exactly the same as the 'old' dad). But as a child, i wasn't given any 'bereavment counselling' or help with my feelings by anyone, least of all my mother, i was left to cope alone, not only with the loss of my 'nice' dad, but also with the appearance of the 'new', 'nasty' dad. I realise i must have 'numbed' my feelings as i must have no idea how to deal with them, understand them, process them and i put on my 'everything is fine' mask which i wore from then on.

So i suppose what i must try and do now is allow myself to 'grieve' the loss that i suffered. I did in effect, lose my dad, a person who i loved dearly and who loved me. Although of course the situation is confused by the fact that he didn't actually die, but lived on in a 'different form' as a nasty evil man. How confused/bewildered and hurt i must have been, for a child to have to cope with such a complex situation alone, i don't know i did to be honest. No wonder i turned to shoplifting and telling my teacher i hated her, i was trying to communicate something, but nobody was listening. And no wonder i didn't do as well in any of my exams as i thought i would. I have always wondered about the fact that whilst i seemed to be a very bright child, as i grew older, i never actually achieved what i should have. I know now my growth, development and capacity was severely stunted by the traumas i went through. It's a wonder i even managed to pass any exams at all really.

Besides the main traumatic incident with my dad when i was 11, there were also a couple of others which i have always thought of as more minor, but i think now they still had an extremely traumatic impact on me at the time.

I have not been seeing a counsellor for a while now, but i think i need to find somebody again as i think i need to work through and properly talk about these incidents with my dad, instead of quickly mentioning them and then changing the subject as i have done in the past.

Message withdrawn

OnePlusOne, please go back into therapy. You can not ignore and deny to yourself what happened any more, the feelings are all starting to overwhelm you. You tried to deny the seriousness of it with previous therapists because it was too hard to relive it but I get the feeling you can find the strength to do it now because you are really realising how important it is and how much it is still affecting you. You must force yourself to tell a good therapist the worst things that happened now and not 'stall' by talking about all the lesser things which is what it sounds like you have done previously. I don't think you will start to feel better until you do this. You can do it. It will feel awful for a while and you will need to find a lot of strength, but you know it is worth it for how much better you will feel long term.

Give yourself a break from worrying about your relationship with DH until you have worked on these childhood issues with a therapist. It is too much for you to deal with all at once. These issues are too serious for your DH to help you with, you need a professional. If the average H could 'solve' these issues with us there would not be therapists would there! The strain of not being able to help you may have caused your DH to behave badly. Once you have worked on it for a while with a therapist things might seem clearer about how you feel about your relationship.

Make sure you find a good therapist and feel ok with him/her before you really get into it. You don't want someone to mess you up even more.

I wish I could send you courage and reassurance. You sound like you feel unsupported, but on here we are on your side.

oneplusone, thank you for writing what you did about my post. It means a lot that somebody thinks I talk sense sometimes, especially because in real life I feel that nothing I do or say is valuable (to DH that is...)