I've got to stop typing post after post! But I keep thinking of things.
I've been thinking about this loving one child more than the other thing and read a couple of web pages on it.
They said it was a common thing but most people don't admit to it - which is a good thing as we should never let our children know if we feel like this and must keep denying it if they ever ask us. It is important to try to treat our children as equally important.
Some reasons the articles said why parents might love one child more than the other are:
1 - A difficult birth might make instant bonding more difficult.
2 - With a first child, being inexperienced as a mother and anxious might make bonding more difficult
3 - A mother might feel more for her firstborn because she had him/her when her relationship with the father was newer and happier and the child reminds her of happier times
4 - One child might be harder work to parent than the other, giving the parent more trouble and needing to be told off more often. This makes it easier to feel more warmth towards the easier child.
The articles seem to be saying that it is not a terrible thing to feel this way and we don't have to feel so guilty because there can be understandable reasons. We should just not let our children know that we feel this way.
With my DD it was a difficult birth - the amount of pain was a shock because it was my first time but I could have coped with it if it hadn't gone on so long - 3 days from when contractions started. Had lots of drugs. They were going to do a c-section but were arguing over the best thing to do then did a ventouse. There was so much blood. I had loads of stitches. I was exhausted and kept passing out. It was night time when she came out and we both slept. Through the night they changed the bedding a few times because it was soaked in blood. They argued about whether to do a transfusion but decided not to. I had a sensation of slipping away and being only barely there and couldn't understand anything anyone said to me.
In the morning I felt really scared. It was a huge effort just to stand up and look in the cot. I felt scared that I was too physically weak to look after a baby if I could barely stand up, didn't know how to do it and the responsibility felt huge. DH had gone somewhere and I needed him there. I kept asking random people where he was (my brain was scrambled). He didn't come for hours. I'm still angry that I really needed his support but he was back at home looking after his Mum! who had rushed up because she was desperate to be involved and important. I didn't want to see her. I was worried I might be traumatised and not able to talk about the birth to anyone without feeling the horror of it again. I was thinking I needed a psychiatrist. Two days later I was able to talk about it though!
I worried about the birth for a while. I was so exhausted and drugged and passed out a few times that I felt I didn't know what really happened and felt I needed to know what happened and why it was so bad. There were things that happened that I wasn't even aware of eg they shaved me ready for a c-section but I never even noticed.
It was hard to recover physically. I couldn't sleep and babies don't sleep much at night. I found it hard to get the hang of breastfeeding but when I did she just wanted to feed and feed and that drained me as well. I had big blood clots coming out still but the midwives didn't seem worried. I was very anxious about every little noise she made and whether she was ok and how stupid I looked to other people in the ward because I just felt clueless. I didn't feel love because I felt overwhelmed by fear. I thought I would sleep better at home so got them to let me out of hospital before they wanted to, then realised I should probably have stayed because it felt like a huge physical effort just to walk from one room to the other or downstairs.
As the fear subsided a bit and my strength returned I felt more and more loving but I feel the bonding process was a bit delayed, just like point 2 said.
It was totally different with DS. The birth was still quite long but I didn't need so many drugs, didn't need an assisted birth and didn't tear as much. There was much much less blood. I fed him as soon as he was born and felt instant love. He went to sleep and I immediately got up and had a shower and had absolutely no problem standing up or moving about and felt like I was all there, not slipping away like last time. I wasn't scared about how to look after him, just enjoyed it, and didn't feel too physically weak and ill to do it. The bonding was instant. I recovered physically very fast and was going on long walks only days later (the midwife said I was overdoing it!). The difference was huge! I realised what a shambles my first birth had been! Despite all the horrors of birth I still felt a feeling of euphoria at the same time and look back on the births as the best parts of my life - how dimwitted is that!
As point 4. said, I do feel that DD is harder to parent than DS. She is more demanding, more non-stop, more hyper, less likely to sit still and have a cuddle and be soft and affectionate like DS who is incredibly affectionate. She is 'harder' and more independent. I can see that she has some really good spirited qualities which will help her in later life but she is hard work however much I admire her. I made a list of things I love about each child and her list was by far the longest, yet I still feel more for DS.
As usual, I'm sorry I've typed so much, it all just pours out. I do feel less guilty for feeling differently about the children though if I can see that there are understandable reasons and maybe it will help the situation not to be worrying endlessly about it. The anxiety makes me more tense and more likely to get angry. I feel kind of angry with DD for 'making' me feel guilty about my parenting sometimes and 'making' me feel like a rubbish mother when I so wanted to be a good mother and prove how much better I am than my parents. Maybe just accepting that I feel differently about them but resolving to treat them equally and not let them know, and making an effort to constantly look at DD's good qualities will help the situation.
I know that the way I feel is more than just what the articles said because of DD somehow reminding me of my brother and DS reminding me of myself in relation to him. But I am trying to sort this out with the therapist. And it is reassuring to read that there are 'normal' reasons which 'normal' people could have as well for feeling more for one child than the other.