ok ladies here i go.
im 35 married 12 years this september.3 kids.lovely life,fancy car,plenty of hubbies money and i am the mum/wife i always wished i would be and i live the life i hoped i would.
but,when my kids were all little,(i had 3 in five years!)my hubby wasnt great.hes a career man and concentrated on that.i let him cos i was doing what i had to do and looking after 3 little kids.
as they got older,now 10 ,8 6.things started to feel wrong.i realside i loved my home,my kids,my car,my life,but not my hubby.
wrongly i had an affair,but oh heck i fell for hi big time,and i treid to end my marriage twice,the other guy couldnt cope with the resposiblitiy of being the reason a family broke up,so he ended it.
since then(two years ago)i absolutely through myself into my kids/hubby/marriage.i cook/bake/clean,all the things i am meant to do after me and hubby decided to work it out,cos he loves me desperately.
hes a good man,loyal,hardworking,kind a great dad and provider,but a night,when i get in bed,i cry.cos i just cant stand the thought of him touching me.not even a hug or a kiss.he says that he doesnt mind,cos he would die twice for me if he had too,and he loves and fancies me still very much.but years i have been like this and it wont go away no matter what i do.i have tried i really really have,with all my heart and best efforts.
thing is now we have separated.told the kids etc,so im not goin back on my word to separate and mess the kids about.so im determined to take some time to really find out how i feel about him.
he though manipulates me with all the stability he brings and all the perks if you like that being married to him brings,mainly shopping trips and a cabriolet!
after all these years of having this stuff its hard to think about losing it all just cos i dont fancy my husband,and to put the kids through all the upheavel which ofcourse we are making as little as possible,but when does a woman put her feelings first?
all my married life i have put kids,him first.and its just lad to into the arms of another,so should i listen to my heart,or go with my head.
its not right to not want to be intimate with your hubby.i have convinced myself im a cold unloving partner,but i know inside thats not true,but with hi i have never been any different.with the other guy i was very loving and intimate,so i can do it.i can "want"to do it,so im confused.
i sopke to the solicitor today cos my dh has confused me about finacial things.turns out i will get the house cos the equity in it is low a,d that i may even get maintenece for just me(which i dont want)as well as maintence for the kids and him to pay the mortgage,the cars will have to go but im not really bothered,dont ge me wrong its lovely having nice stuff but its a car right?
so ladies what would you do.12 years of marriage.6 years of it being a struggle.crying at night,lovely man,wanting other men,3 kids and giving up a lovely life that doesnt seem to make me happy inside.im i just shallow or should i listen to whats going on in my heart?
such a bloomin mess