OH HECK,PLEASE HELP!IM THINKING AND THINKING!

[lislou]

ok ladies here i go.
im 35 married 12 years this september.3 kids.lovely life,fancy car,plenty of hubbies money and i am the mum/wife i always wished i would be and i live the life i hoped i would.
but,when my kids were all little,(i had 3 in five years!)my hubby wasnt great.hes a career man and concentrated on that.i let him cos i was doing what i had to do and looking after 3 little kids.
as they got older,now 10 ,8 6.things started to feel wrong.i realside i loved my home,my kids,my car,my life,but not my hubby.

wrongly i had an affair,but oh heck i fell for hi big time,and i treid to end my marriage twice,the other guy couldnt cope with the resposiblitiy of being the reason a family broke up,so he ended it.

since then(two years ago)i absolutely through myself into my kids/hubby/marriage.i cook/bake/clean,all the things i am meant to do after me and hubby decided to work it out,cos he loves me desperately.
hes a good man,loyal,hardworking,kind a great dad and provider,but a night,when i get in bed,i cry.cos i just cant stand the thought of him touching me.not even a hug or a kiss.he says that he doesnt mind,cos he would die twice for me if he had too,and he loves and fancies me still very much.but years i have been like this and it wont go away no matter what i do.i have tried i really really have,with all my heart and best efforts.
thing is now we have separated.told the kids etc,so im not goin back on my word to separate and mess the kids about.so im determined to take some time to really find out how i feel about him.
he though manipulates me with all the stability he brings and all the perks if you like that being married to him brings,mainly shopping trips and a cabriolet!
after all these years of having this stuff its hard to think about losing it all just cos i dont fancy my husband,and to put the kids through all the upheavel which ofcourse we are making as little as possible,but when does a woman put her feelings first?
all my married life i have put kids,him first.and its just lad to into the arms of another,so should i listen to my heart,or go with my head.
its not right to not want to be intimate with your hubby.i have convinced myself im a cold unloving partner,but i know inside thats not true,but with hi i have never been any different.with the other guy i was very loving and intimate,so i can do it.i can "want"to do it,so im confused.
i sopke to the solicitor today cos my dh has confused me about finacial things.turns out i will get the house cos the equity in it is low a,d that i may even get maintenece for just me(which i dont want)as well as maintence for the kids and him to pay the mortgage,the cars will have to go but im not really bothered,dont ge me wrong its lovely having nice stuff but its a car right?

so ladies what would you do.12 years of marriage.6 years of it being a struggle.crying at night,lovely man,wanting other men,3 kids and giving up a lovely life that doesnt seem to make me happy inside.im i just shallow or should i listen to whats going on in my heart?

such a bloomin mess

You sound incredibly shallow. Your dh is better off without you, so do him a favour and leave.

I was trying to be kinder than lazarou - but perhaps you don't realise that your posts do sound very shallow. You talk a great deal about what he has bought you and very littel about your DC's and how they are going to feel/are feeling.

BTW am I the only one who things its weird that you told your DC's about your affair?

I think the op has been really rude to people who are just trying to help. She sounds really self absorbed.

Or she could be coming across in a way she didn't intend

I think the OP did fly off the handle a bit with MamaG. But I think we should give her a break a bit here. I'm interested in the bit where she said when they got married she felt 'safe'. We don't know her past - maybe before she met her dh she never had anyone to love her and provide for her before. That is an extremely powerful attractant, even if you don't really love or fancy the person. If someone really loves you and you really need love, it is easy to take it and get into a relationship, and then time passes and before you know it, there you are with 3 kids and married to a man you don't love.

Lislou, I think you should just make a clean break. You know you don't love your husband, you know that the material benefits don't make up for that. You deserve better, he deserves a wife who loves him, and your children deserve happy parents. The one way in which I might be harsh to you is to say stop faffing around and make the break. You know it's the right thing.

nope.i am prepared to lose everything i have got.

i say what stuff i have as a way for you to see how the marriage has gone,from a marriage to an arrangment.

i not shallow at all.
hes the shallow one
hes the one who wants all the time.
hes the one who wants the fancy stuff!

he just gave it all to me to substitute for
all the years i have been ignored and the kids.

you dont get up one morning and think"ooh i think im going have an affair and lose everything i have today"

something has to make you blooming unhappy enough to do it.
i have never worked and devoted myself to my kids and will continue to do that and the are the most fantastic people i have ever met!

ofcourse i think about my hubbies feelings why the hell do you think i have stayed here all of us together when it wasnt what i wanted!?

i had a terrible start to life,my dads suicide a major factor in how i feel about things,i love people,i tell them that,i hug i do everything i can for people i really do cos it matters to e how people feel and if i can help hem i will,but i have to think about me too and i have tried for my hubbies and kids sake and have done that for 5 years!

the question i asked was not for you to attack my character..it was when do you get to the point where what you need comes first?

actually the question you asked was

"im i just shallow or should i listen to whats going on in my heart?"

you are right that i wanted to get away from my mum and i had no love since i was 11 when my dad died.

so yes when i saw a an who was just good and loyall and kind i went for it!

and back then we had no money i had no car!

all the money came later.

i like having enough money,but too much i dont ever want and he does.

he wants a rangerover sport and a long gravel drive and ponies and quad bikes for the kids.

i dont want that.

i want lovely well rounded content kids who have two happy parents,they have all the could possibly want and need,they dont need be going school in a fancy car!

the world i live in is great,i have great friends and a lovely enviroment and all my kids are nice kids so to me thats all that matters.

but i just wish i could hug someon and feel that"i dont wanna let go"feeling
istead of a friendly pat on the back which is what i do now.

for the record we are very close my hubby and i,we never argue.we just talk and talk and cry and talk and we bat it out for hours and hours.
we never say what we think.we say how we feel.
no hurtin eachother ever,no nastiness.
i dont want to do anything to ruin that cos its that that makes us good parents.

Why not go to Relate? They can help you make an amicable end to it. If you both work really hard, there's no reason why you can't split amicably and maintain good relations both for your own sakes and for the children's. But tbh I don't think you are going to make this marriage work.

lislou I think you need to have some CBT before you make any decision. Don't rush.

I'm not going to make any judgements about you because I left a good man and am much happier. We've ended up friends...as we always have been. I'm now privately renting and living on benefits but am so happy (although have problems but nothing to do with leaving ex). My kids are happy and ex is happy

I must say the bit you wrote about him crying in front of the kids irked me. He shouldn't do this it's kind of emotional blackmail.

You need to be thinking really clearly before you make the split. I knew for 2 years and it sounds like you've also known for a while? If it's what you want start planning now. Do you have much support in RL?

is it your dh you are sick of or your life?

do you have anything to satisfy you as a person or are you looking to a man to provide the fulfilment

because all that 'the man who looks into your heart and soul' is all cobblers, you know that, don't you? It's American 1-hour drama cobblers.

"he says ... he would die twice for me if he had to"

isn't that the kind of man most single mothers are looking for?

"i did and hour and a half of high impact aerobics dvd in front of him for two years!"

I'm sorry but lololol

watching the wife do aerobics is top entertainment

Cappuccino, that's true and good advice, but I get the impression that the OP married a father substitute, not someone she could be a lifelong partner with. Yes, a real marriage is not all roses and intensity. But being a good man doesn't make him the right man for her.

capp - I bit my lip a bit on reading that. Your idea of how to motivate him to lose weight is a tad odd!

I think you should free your husband from this loveless marriage.

I know all about having no love at all from anyone until I met my husband but I haven't run at the first sign of trouble, or the tenth. Believe me, we have been through shit and have a tough time ahead of us, but we love each other and want to be together and we will be fine.

But you married a man you didn't love, quite possibly for his wallet, and now it has come back to bite you on your perfect size 10 bum.

fair enough fluffy but I do wonder what her life is about

obviously with a highpowered dh she hasn't needed to work, so has it become about romance/ material things?

isn't there something else she needs to look for for herself before she starts junking her marriage?

I don't think by the sounds of it that her kids are small - she sounds like a scarily typical bored suburban housewife to me

I don't mean that as a criticism, I mean, maybe she should look for something to fulfil her rather than making it her life's work to try and change her husband, either changing the one she has, or changing for another model

yes i know i do think about the fact that he would be a dream catch for some women.i know what you are saying.
and yes i have put about possible having watched too many drew barrymore films about love!

i am aware abou all that and to keep some perspective on what shapes love can be in.

this si why we need to time apart to really reflect on what we both want from life.to accept all the wrongs we have done to eachother and if we can forgive and move on.

i have made my decision and im not going down the divorce route yet.

i just want to think long and hard and i want him to do the same.

they crying thing was bad i agree and then when my little boy asked what was up he said"daddy doesnt want to go back to stay away from you"!

but the really sad thing was when we told them my eldest who didnt shed a tear said"does that mean that when dad comes he wont be on the phone all the time and tell us off for talking"

so its not all black and white,dont think this i am throwing away a perfect man here cos if he was perfect i wouldnt be unhappy would i?

hes a greta man in the grand scheme of things but i alwasy hoped there was a kind of soul mate out there for me,aybe that nieve and i need to think about that.

mama what ever yur name is...when i met my husband he had no money!

i went shopping with twenty quid and he gave me 2 quid a week to spend on bits and bobs!

and i had a baby boy!

weve been married 12 years!together for 15 so its not like i havent ridden out rather a lot of bumps myself.

oh and yes i do have a perfect size 10 bum.!

"she sounds like a scarily typical bored suburban housewife to me" no offence but that's the impression I am getting to! Other than your marriage how do you feel in yourself Lislou?

My friend had all of what you describe and possibly more. The Chelsea tractor, the bags, dresses, holidays, invites etc. She knew her H was travelling a lot, felt him slipping away while they were leading increasingly separate lives: him on a career track, her in mummy mode. She had helpers, cleaners, ironing lady, the works.

He strayed, she accepted his apology, together with a big pave diamond ring. She looked the other way instead of having a very frank discussion with him. In the end he left her to be with his mistress and is now married again. Sure he had to provide, but what about emotional support. Us girls picked all the pieces up, my beautiful, funny friend broke apart when her world collapsed. Everything dried up: the hols, car, invites, etc. She's a new person now and she has a lot more freedom now, but it was forced on her, not a decision she made voluntarily.

If you love your lifestyle so much, then I suggest you 'put up and shut up'. (Pardon my language.) Your poor H. Your poor kids, what a role model you must be. 'Mummy doesn't love Daddy but loves Daddy's bank account.' If he only knew what he's providing for.

If you're willing to make a new start because you cannot bear your H touching you, or being able to reciprocate his feelings then kiss your fancy (naff) car keys goodbye and venture out into the world with the freedom to find someone who might be better suited for you.

This is not an attack on you for wanting to change your life, I just find the blah about not wanting to give up your lifestyle as the major reason why you're still married a tad superficial...

PS: So he's the one that wants all the gear you got? Ah, I see. Well, either way, you're happy enough to take whatever is on offer by H.

My impression is, and I could be completely off target here, is that the OP emphasises the material things in her marriage (particularly in her first post) because she is looking for reasons to convince herself to stay, not because she doesn't want to let that go. But I think she knows damn well it is no reason to stay with someone. And she is probably thinking about how much he provides for the kids and it would feel harder to take that away from them. That's how I read it anyway.

I think you are all being a tad harsh on the OP. Sure, she likes what money can buy- but who doesn't?

What seems more to the point is that she is concerned with what a divorce would put her kids through -and her DH.

I see nothing wrong in balancing emotions and material wealth- after all, as a SAHM she hasn't exactly got a career to support her, has she?

It is so easy to be critical when people ask for help- but if you/we are honest I bet that something like 50% of women are in unhappy/unsatisfactory relationships but daren't leave because of finances.

OP- I think you have to decide if your marriage can be saved- if it all comes down to your DH weight issues- or if it is deeper than that.

AND_ sorry to be so blunt- but if he is 8st overweight and has a busy stressful job, he is going to come a cropper health wise one day. he needs to think of that and the future of his DCs if he is incapacitated with heart disease etc.

fluffy animal.thats bang on.thankyou.xx

i never had anything in my life before him.

we didnt have anything together for years ad the years where we had nothing werent bad.

he gave me the stuff,when hes sat outside with my new car that i knew nothing about i cant really give it back can i!

he enjoys giving me stuff cos he knows he cant give me things in other ways.

but i never sked for any of it and as much as i would miss it i would also feel free by giving it back.

my kids are only used to this life though and my kids are doing so well that i wonder if any change would ruin their futures.

i just want to keep everyone happy its all i have ever done.

i would struggle getting back into work and well being a mum to three kids ages 10 8 and 6 is afull time job in itself and as you all know a woman has to earn a lot to pay for child care after school hours and school hols etc and i just couldnt earn enough to ever do that.
my plan is to do a teaching assistant course and train at my kids school and they are really keen on supporting me and i hope maybe if i get more in my life personally that maybe i will take the emphasis off my marrital problems more,but maybe it would go the other way too..who knows...

to be honest though being a mum to me is rewarding enough,it is for me the only job,its the only one i want...and im very happy with that being my lot as opposed to having a career myself.i would be getting a job to make ends meet or please others.

being left behind by my dad made me want to get a great dad for my kids and also my mum wasnt great and wasnt ther for me so i k=now feel like i just want to be there all the tie for my kids.and hes made all that possible through his hard work.

i would prefer to share it though because he works like a loon!

yes hes got a high powered well paid job but my lifestyle isnt as fancy as the lady above wrote about here friend!i am just comfortable.
i have what i need and to a certain degree i have more too,but in other respects i miss out.

im the mum who goes parents evenings alone,school concerts.im the one who sees the dissapointment in my kids eyes cos daddies stuck in traffic.

but thats something i dont blame him for its just the way it is.

i just wonder whats right for me?

im just goin give it time and a lot of time,really really think.

you are all really helping even those who are shouting a touch at me!

girl next door..

the weight thing is now about health yes...

hes 36 and 21 stone .

yes stressfull job and an innablity to relax and laugh and enjoy the little things.

to me just the sun coming out is reason enough to be happy!or 3 oclock coming round and seeing the kids all pleased to see me,but those things seem to elude him for some reason..i dunno why...stress probably.

when i met him he was just a rep,now hes senior management with a massive bank.

so his stress levels are huge.

i do worry a lot.

lislou - some practical advice for you.

What do you do whilst your kids are at school? Could you not work during those hours? It doesn't have to be paid, you could help others less fortunate than yourself. Sounds as though you have lost your own identity somewhere along the way, you are not happy within yourself so no matter who you meet, it will not be a success unless you concentrate on yourself.

Also, if you do decide to work you will get up to 80% of your childcare paid for by the Child Tax Credit people. They actually pay for you to be in work.

You could volunteer to help out in your children's schools and then apply for a TA job, that works schools hours and you would have the holidays off too, so no childcare issues.

There are solutions. You need to write down the problems and then find solutions for them. Deal with them one at a time, don't bundle them all together.

I think, fwiw, you've both messed up. Counselling may do you both good. Your children won't give a shit about material goods, however what will ruin their lives is an unstable and insecure childhood. My kids don't have half the things yours do, but neither do they want them. Your children would much rather have a happy and loving home than a new bike, large house, etc etc.

So get your priorities right too.