OH HECK,PLEASE HELP!IM THINKING AND THINKING!

[lislou]

ok ladies here i go.
im 35 married 12 years this september.3 kids.lovely life,fancy car,plenty of hubbies money and i am the mum/wife i always wished i would be and i live the life i hoped i would.
but,when my kids were all little,(i had 3 in five years!)my hubby wasnt great.hes a career man and concentrated on that.i let him cos i was doing what i had to do and looking after 3 little kids.
as they got older,now 10 ,8 6.things started to feel wrong.i realside i loved my home,my kids,my car,my life,but not my hubby.

wrongly i had an affair,but oh heck i fell for hi big time,and i treid to end my marriage twice,the other guy couldnt cope with the resposiblitiy of being the reason a family broke up,so he ended it.

since then(two years ago)i absolutely through myself into my kids/hubby/marriage.i cook/bake/clean,all the things i am meant to do after me and hubby decided to work it out,cos he loves me desperately.
hes a good man,loyal,hardworking,kind a great dad and provider,but a night,when i get in bed,i cry.cos i just cant stand the thought of him touching me.not even a hug or a kiss.he says that he doesnt mind,cos he would die twice for me if he had too,and he loves and fancies me still very much.but years i have been like this and it wont go away no matter what i do.i have tried i really really have,with all my heart and best efforts.
thing is now we have separated.told the kids etc,so im not goin back on my word to separate and mess the kids about.so im determined to take some time to really find out how i feel about him.
he though manipulates me with all the stability he brings and all the perks if you like that being married to him brings,mainly shopping trips and a cabriolet!
after all these years of having this stuff its hard to think about losing it all just cos i dont fancy my husband,and to put the kids through all the upheavel which ofcourse we are making as little as possible,but when does a woman put her feelings first?
all my married life i have put kids,him first.and its just lad to into the arms of another,so should i listen to my heart,or go with my head.
its not right to not want to be intimate with your hubby.i have convinced myself im a cold unloving partner,but i know inside thats not true,but with hi i have never been any different.with the other guy i was very loving and intimate,so i can do it.i can "want"to do it,so im confused.
i sopke to the solicitor today cos my dh has confused me about finacial things.turns out i will get the house cos the equity in it is low a,d that i may even get maintenece for just me(which i dont want)as well as maintence for the kids and him to pay the mortgage,the cars will have to go but im not really bothered,dont ge me wrong its lovely having nice stuff but its a car right?

so ladies what would you do.12 years of marriage.6 years of it being a struggle.crying at night,lovely man,wanting other men,3 kids and giving up a lovely life that doesnt seem to make me happy inside.im i just shallow or should i listen to whats going on in my heart?

such a bloomin mess

I know this is beside thepoint but I really do think that it isn;t good for anyone 21stone to be running. You'd do better to go for a walk with him every evening.

Who feeds your DH? If he eats mainly at home what are you doing to help him lose weight? Or does he drink a lot too?

Is he comfort eating? anyone who allows themselves to get of that size either has emotional issues that they resolve by comfort eating r they are just plain greedy. Either way, he is a heart attack/diabetes waiting to happen- does h e not know this? Does he not care? would he rather buy his kids things that they don't really want - and possibly deprive them of their dad in 10 years time?

I think you do have reason to worry- if your life values are so different, then filling your time being a TA etc will not solve the issues at home.

we have been the docs and hes perfectly healthy to run except for his weight,at the end of the day a man can weigh 21 stone and be all muscle..is he not allowed to run?

i never ran with him anyway,and yes i have tried the walking thing too,brisk walking.

i actually have a kind of job,my freind tried to kill herse;lf last year and has severe ocd and her partner of 115 years got diagnosed with bone cancer last year too,i have taken it upon myself to be with her as much as i can,cos i couldnt cope with another suicide attempt or suicide.

i am also up school a lot with pta stuff and i am actually busy all day!

i dont ever sit at home watching the telly!

hes perfectly healthy to run except for his weight = he's too overweight to run.

Yes 21 could possible be all muscle but even body builders shoudl be very careful running because of the stress it puts on their knees.

I know this is besides the point particualrly if you have tried getting him to walk.

Its a subject close to my heart as my mum was given an ultimatum by my Dad "Lose weight or I'll divorce you" so she did and he left her anyway becuase it was just him setting an impossible task that he thought she couldnt do. The weight issue is a red herring (evenm if it is a health risk), if you didn't love him when he was thinner then you won't love him if he slims down again.

Be honest - you won't suddenly want to stay with him if he loses some weight, will you?

It is quite easy for your DH to be weighed on "fat scales" either at home or at the drs- they will show how much is muscle and how much is fat.

with all the money he has, why doesn't he join a gym or get a personal trainer? Is he is denial do you think?

I think personal trianer is good idea - far more macho than yoga!

i only cook fresh food.we never ever eat anything bought from a supermarket.

i am a big believer in farm shop food and markets i like to support small local outlets.supporting local independant produce.

we eat fish and fresh fruit and veg everyday .i make everything from scratch everyday.

i limit portion size and we only have crisps and chocolate once a week when we all sit down together to watch a film at the weekend.

we have the occasional take away i mean two a month.

no he doesnt drink at all.
he doesnt smoke,none of us do.

he really should do something i agree,his dad died young too as did mine.

this is why i take so much care of myself and everyone everyday,cos it matters too me.

he just doesnt get enough excercise which drives me nuts cos he used to swim for the county!

but he works all the time a,d at night with our current problems hes come home and concentrated on being with me and the kids.

so its a tough one.

i say if i can do it with 3 kids under 5(thats how old they were when i started to work out) then he can do it and i told him i would never stop him doing something at night is it meant my family were all healthy.

my son gets mad cos his dad cant run about with him!its me who legs it round the footy pitch with him while his dad lies there watching!

i think anyone can find time to exercise.

the just got to want to and unfortunately me needing to be physically attracted to my huby didnt matter enough to him,this issue has been going on for years too.he was big when i married him.bout 18 stone but as hes got older its got more and more and looser and looser and well as crude as it sounds sex can be quite an ordeal when you are diddy!

But if he isn't happy in his home life he probably isn't in a fit state of mind to do anything about his weight.

Maybe he doesn't care?

Maybe he thinks you are going to leave him anyway so he might as well eat himself to death.

With respect, you don't get to 21 st living off fresh fruit and veg and healthy meat/fish.

What about what he eats during the day?

Unless he wants to change, you are flogging a dead horse.

If he DOES want to change, then I'd suggest a life coach or a personal trainer- the life coach because he need s to re-assess his priorities in life and realise what is likely to happen before it's too late.

YOU can't make him change- only he can.

But this has moved a long way from your first post over whether to leave him- you seem to be jumping to his defence a bit over his weight and lifestyle- maybe you care more than you think?

But as other people have said- even if he lost weight, would it make any difference?

he is classed as morbidly obese.he has a 48 inch waist and 52 inch chest.he carries it all around his middle which is bad cos of all the strain it puts on his arteries and stuff.the doc has told him he can run,but goodness no not sprinting!

as long as he gets active it doesnt matter what he does but he just doesnt enjoy any of it!

he can only just put his own socks on so hes not going be able do my yoga with me!i know this!although it is very easy to do the yoga i do is just stretching and back cracking its great!

the weight has lead to impotence too,which comes and goes and thats a pain too.

got to ask myself though if he had a six pack would i be unhappy and for years i beleived it would sort the problem out.
now though im not so sure,cos it hurts that hes not bothered to do it for us all.

just like i have hurt him he has hurt me.

i asked him to use the time apart to get moving and try so we will see...

he was never thin and will never be thin,i just want alive but who knows you could get run over by a bus tomorrow.

i just dont want be the one to tell my kids dads gone and them to know it was cos he wouldnt lose weight.

my mum told us that my dad killed himself cos he was ill and wouldnt get help.

i dont want do the same to my kids and he knows how strongly i feel about that.

lislou - you could make a list on a piece of A4 paper of why you should or should not remain with your h - fold it in half, put reasons down each side, and if, on the "should stay" side,it says "because I love him", then there's your answer. It's a bit simplistic, but sometiems it helps to see the words written down. You know in your heart what you want, and your kids will be happy if you and dh are happy, either apart or together.

lislou- have you had a really frank talk with him- his dr must have- surely?

There seems to be a bit of ambivalence in your attitude towards his weight- "He will never be thin"- well, why not ?

Can you not make a time to sit down and talk this through?

Does he say WHY he won't try to lose weight?

why should a man, who is intelligent, has money to buy the right food, the right help- he could easily have a week at a health farm to kick-start his dieting- why does he insist on living like this?

Is he punishing you or punishing himself?

well girl next door that it isnt it!?i just dont get why he is so big and gets bigger?

the drug he was on kept a check on everything i cooked and he ate,they were great they rung us all the time to see how he was doing.he lost two stone then got fed up and stopped taking it!

still got another 6 to lose!

he says he doesnt eat bad during the day but how can i control that i mean hes got to have some resposibility for himself.

hes been checked out for thyroid problems etc
he doesnt have any diabetes yet.

so its a mystery.

his weight issue has been a concern of mine before the marital issues,it started when we became parents.

but he just doesnt seem bothered.i have told him it could fix everything and he swears he will do it but never does.

i may try the list thing....

when the kids are in bed.

i have so many kids here today my heads exploding !

give it a go, think carefully,don't rush, and don't make snap decisions.but I think you've probably made yr mind up already - you can ultimately only be responsible for your own happiness.dc grow so fast & will be independent soon, at the same time, remember they haven't done anything wrong but they will probably feel guilt at some time.go for what makes you happy, lislou, you only get one life,so does dh,so do yr dc.life is shit sometimes - chin up.

all i ever wanted when i was little was to be happy and if i was happy i wouldne be in this mess.

so it needs sorting

i a good mum and my kid will be ok.i have bben through two split ups as a child and a teenager and i know what to not do cos my mum did all of it the wrong way!

but i not at that stage yet,i just want to think freely without manipultation from him.

and i want him to do the same cos at the end of the day i have been awfull to him.but i did want to end it cos i couldnt cope with what i had done to him,but he said he wanted to try and so we have tried and tried!

lislou,we all want to be happy,but life's not like that,but I'm sure you & dc will be fine,of course you're a good mum,but you must also be true to yourself,otherise you'll end up depressed.it must have been awful when yr dad committed suicide - did you deal with your emotions then, or just cover them up?covered up/smothered emotions have a nasty way of resurfacing when you least expect it

well the suicide was bad yes,but life with him was much worse.i never had counciling no,but im ok.i wsnt for years and aybe thats why i ended up going with my hubby,safety!

but i reached a point in my life one day when i had the kids all very little and i was bearly coping.all i cared about was getting through the day without crying!that was a good day and it was just cos the kids were all so little and i was always alone!

i say on my hubby one night and confessed to him that i was miserable and had cosidered hurting myself.

he just looked me and said"oh dont be daft get on with it"

i realised then i was alone and that noone was ever going be able to help me or fix me except me!

so i mad a list of all the things i hated about my life and myself and one by one i changed the all!

my weight ,my hair,my teeth even!
my attitude,my outlook,my inabilty to be loving and caring and open with people,cos i didnt want to blame others for things that have happened and i just wanted to move on!

it was the best thing i ever did!
i turned into the woman i would have been if my dad hadnt done what he did!

this is when my hubby and i grew apart.he kind of let the control go a bit

i never had a bank accaount or any say on anything,i changed that.

he wouldnt even let me buy a pushchair i desperately needed until he had said it was ok!
what did it have to do with him!

i had to tell the woman in mothercare i couldnt get it cos my hubby had to pay for it!
theres been plenty of bad times in my life and when hubby came along i kind of though"my dads sent him to look after me and be a good dad"

and he has done that in more recent years,but the thought of being like this for the nest 20 years at least terrifies me.

i can see me with an even fancier car,more rings,more clothes and a drink problem,sitting at the other end of the sofa from a man whos still big and all wobbly and bald who i cant stand to have touch me!

kids will all be off doing there own things

doesnt sound worth it anymore to be there like that just cos i darent get out now.

you see what i mean?

obviously it's got to be up to you - but the picture you paint isn't a hopeful one, in my opinion.marriage/relationships are a lot of compromise, i think,but you do have to have something you can share - with me & dh, he's made me cry & broken my heart, but he still makes me laugh and I still fancy him.it does count for a lot.I think humour is the key!

sleep on it,think b/4 you make a decision - someone once said to me,divorce isn't the end of a reationship,cos you can always remarry him in the future.it sounds unreal,but it is possible.

im glad you have someone who makes you laugh.

im the funny one in the family,when everyone is shouting and grumping around its me who does something daft to defuse it(usually pull my trousers down and run around,it tends to work!)

humour is so important to me and no hes not the slightest bit funny!

nor does he ever seem truely happy just with the little things.

to me the little thing make me happy the rest is all just a bonus.

theres two halves to a marriage i believe.

the friendship
the passion

i have only one side but i dont know if its enough.

the affair guy has been in touch out of the blue!after 2 years and wow what timing he has!

but im not goin to see him in any way.
i just want to sort my head out with my hubby.

its hard though to not see him cos thats where i got the passion from for a while,i was so attracted to him i would shake!
and it was like that after 4 years of knowing eachother.
so i know that physical attraction feeling.
but thats just not enough either.

oooh the plot thickens.

but dont worry im not goin near the affair guy.

it's probably a good idea to not see other man - he'll possibly have a reason for wanting to get in touch,but you'd do better, i think,to sort yourself first.good luck.

are you sure the other man wasn't around yesterday when you started this post?

Is that what made you feel upset?

no girl next door,the other guy and i have been in contact before all this,he got in touch to say sorry for how it had ended between us,cos it wasnt pleasant.so i excepted his appology and we went our separtae ways again,but the recent contact was him just being drunk.he wanted to meet me but i didnt go.i realise the problems are between me and hubby and dont want the other guy involved at all.

i only want to think about hubby not ex.
i owe that to the kids.

it has unsettled me obviously but im old enough to separate the two.

my problems with hubby were there years before the bf. he was a symptom and a way out,not the reason.

but i can see how you would think that...

not read it all so this may have been discussed already

why not get a job and throw yourself into that. See if that makes your life more fun?