Thats it really, i am just so crushingly lonely. I am a SAHM but the loneliness hits me when i am with DP. I have put him through hell with my depression so i can understand that he has limited sympathy for me. But his coldness is making me feel isolated and frightened.
It was my dads birthday today so i had to take flowers to his grave. This upset me deeply for several reasons. Mostly because i had been selfishly avoiding this as a little boy has been buried next to him who would be exactly my DDs age and i thought i wouldnt be able to handle it. It was so very sad today, all his toys on his grave, he clearly loved the night garden and his parents have put all his night-garden stuff up there for him - really lovely. My DD wanted to play with them but i said she could only look and not touch. I had to plant my Dad's flowers quickly and leave as i knew i was going to break down.
DP had been horrible too me because i had left the house keys in the house and he had to get in the back window (LONG story). So i knew i would get no sympathy from him. Then we had to go to the inlaws and i couldnt help it, i just sat in the back of the car, and i couldnt stop the tears. I didnt make any sound but DP noticed and said sorry for being mean - that was that. Went to inlaws, stayed too late, DD played up going to bed, resulting in DP getting angry, talking at me in his horrible voice and saying that DD was only doing this because we got back late, because i made him late forgetting the keys. funnily enough, i had other things on my mind just at that point .
Now he is sulking after putting DD to bed (she wont have me thanks to him pandering to her every whim, but now hes getting stressed because she is being difficult at bedtime - yeah well, i did it for two years no let up, your turn buddy).
I dont know if i was crying for my Dad or me really, there was a song on the radio about a man who loved his woman so much and he would never let her be "lost" alone. and that is just exactly how i felt/feel - like i am floundering, alone and having to battle all the time to be a "happy family". Its almost like when he is at work, i can fool myself, but weekends always end up with me posting here, hating myself and wishing that i was "in love" again.
I miss that whole feeling of being "looked after" and "protected" and WANTED. He used to be proud of me, he isn't now. I said that lots of men are proud of their women who give up their careers to do the childcare, but he said i didnt have a career as i didnt actually have a job past my PhD, which to me was a job in itself, its post graduate work that end in a qualification, its not like study. But hey, thats how he sees it. Im not sure really, how he sees me.
I am trying to change, but today i really tried, i did my hair, put on some make up, he didnt notice. He has just come down from DD and has put the TV on, asked me if i wanted toast and gone and sat down. I went to ask him if he wanted half the beer i saved him but he was clearly not in the mood for a chat.
Is this how it is when you have children? Is it just the stresses and strains of parenthood and work/life, do this to a relationship - should i just sit it out and hope that it will get better when DD gets easier?