I am so lonely

[lucyellensmum]

Thats it really, i am just so crushingly lonely. I am a SAHM but the loneliness hits me when i am with DP. I have put him through hell with my depression so i can understand that he has limited sympathy for me. But his coldness is making me feel isolated and frightened.

It was my dads birthday today so i had to take flowers to his grave. This upset me deeply for several reasons. Mostly because i had been selfishly avoiding this as a little boy has been buried next to him who would be exactly my DDs age and i thought i wouldnt be able to handle it. It was so very sad today, all his toys on his grave, he clearly loved the night garden and his parents have put all his night-garden stuff up there for him - really lovely. My DD wanted to play with them but i said she could only look and not touch. I had to plant my Dad's flowers quickly and leave as i knew i was going to break down.

DP had been horrible too me because i had left the house keys in the house and he had to get in the back window (LONG story). So i knew i would get no sympathy from him. Then we had to go to the inlaws and i couldnt help it, i just sat in the back of the car, and i couldnt stop the tears. I didnt make any sound but DP noticed and said sorry for being mean - that was that. Went to inlaws, stayed too late, DD played up going to bed, resulting in DP getting angry, talking at me in his horrible voice and saying that DD was only doing this because we got back late, because i made him late forgetting the keys. funnily enough, i had other things on my mind just at that point .

Now he is sulking after putting DD to bed (she wont have me thanks to him pandering to her every whim, but now hes getting stressed because she is being difficult at bedtime - yeah well, i did it for two years no let up, your turn buddy).

I dont know if i was crying for my Dad or me really, there was a song on the radio about a man who loved his woman so much and he would never let her be "lost" alone. and that is just exactly how i felt/feel - like i am floundering, alone and having to battle all the time to be a "happy family". Its almost like when he is at work, i can fool myself, but weekends always end up with me posting here, hating myself and wishing that i was "in love" again.

I miss that whole feeling of being "looked after" and "protected" and WANTED. He used to be proud of me, he isn't now. I said that lots of men are proud of their women who give up their careers to do the childcare, but he said i didnt have a career as i didnt actually have a job past my PhD, which to me was a job in itself, its post graduate work that end in a qualification, its not like study. But hey, thats how he sees it. Im not sure really, how he sees me.

I am trying to change, but today i really tried, i did my hair, put on some make up, he didnt notice. He has just come down from DD and has put the TV on, asked me if i wanted toast and gone and sat down. I went to ask him if he wanted half the beer i saved him but he was clearly not in the mood for a chat.

Is this how it is when you have children? Is it just the stresses and strains of parenthood and work/life, do this to a relationship - should i just sit it out and hope that it will get better when DD gets easier?

i heart hedgewitch - she talks a lot of sense! To be fair to DP, he does TRY, but its just so frustrating isnt it. Going to chase up my refferal cos this is stealing my family from me I DONT WANT TO BE LIKE THIS ANYMORE!!!

LEM - so sorry to see you are going through such an awful time. Those who have posted before me are right - the depression is making you feel self-absorbed. The world closes in on you, making everything, even the smallest slight, comment or difficult situation, seem magnified. Nothing you do ever seems good enough.

But if you look at the bigger picture, you'll see an intelligent, compassionate and caring woman who has achieved a hell of a lot in her life and produced a lovely DD to boot.

I agree that you should try to move forward -chasing that referral could be your first step. Once you have feel ready, move on to the next stage in your plan - a counsellor can help you to see what you want / need to do in order to get yourself back on track. It might be something as big as working/volunteering somewhere a few hours a week. It might be something as small as changing your hair /make up. Whatever it is, you must move at a pace that is comfortable for you and be prepared for setbacks, but know that you will be able to overcome them.

Don't rely on your husband to try and fix you - it is something that only you can achieve. Others can help and support you, but it has to be your call ultimately.

Yes, your relationship with your dh feels crap right now, but it seems that it is not beyond redemption. Once you feel stronger, then Relate may be of help, encouraging you both to open up and discuss your feelings, fears and hopes honestly.

Grief counselling may help you. It sounds as though you are punishing yourself because you don't feel that you were there for you dad (and mum too) before he died. The illness took your dad away long before he physically died. Everybody has different ways of coping with bereavement. In addition, you had your new baby to think about and all the attendant hormonal changes that come with that can make us do things/react in ways that we may regret later.

Right, I will stop wittering on now. I just wanted you to know that there are people who are sympathetic to what you are going through.

THANKYOU

LEM, I feel like I understand everything you said. It sounds like you didn't react much to your Dad's death. The feelings are in you but haven't come out yet. You couldn't express them because you had to remain in control to look after a newborn! This is perfectly understandable. When emotions are 'swallowed' they are converted to depression. (A similar thing happened to me a couple of years ago when something very bad happened in my family but I didn't express/react much because I needed to stay in control to look after a baby who cried all the time, a DD going through terrible twos, and a suicidal family member.

I had had depression on and off for years and low self esteem, sounds similar to you. My DH had tried to support me and I was very hard work for him. When my recent family thing happened and I wanted to go on and on to him about family stuff again, he had just had enough! Like you said about your DP, my DH's sympathy had 'run out'.

I went into a bad depression. I couldn't cope with the children and kept getting very anxious. I couldn't cope with my job so well and eventually DH persuaded me to leave. This affected my sense of identity and self esteem (sounds a bit like you when you became a SAHM after PhD). I couldn't help blaming DH for persuading me to leave work. I stopped doing the housework. I felt like I could hardly function. I felt rubbish at all my 'roles'. I felt exactly what you said - that DH wasn't proud of me anymore. He wasn't impressed by me and I didn't feel noticed or wanted by him. I felt like my marriage was really on the edge.

I tried ADs and they didn't work. So maybe they wouldn't work for you. I tried drinking too much, messing around with other men, getting addicted to coffee/red bull - all very unwise and caused more problems.

Because I felt rubbish at everything I decided to go to a couple of evening classes to make me do my hobbies, painting and flute playing. Amazingly it did make me feel a bit better! When you are completely absorbed in something you love your brain gets a break from thinking about bad things.

At around the same time, but not on purpose, I made a new friend who was very needy and had worse emotional problems than me. She wanted to see me a lot during the week and I found that seeing her as well as doing what I normally do in the week meant that I was nearly always with another adult. This was another distraction from my negative thoughts and made me feel less alone.

The depression started to subside and other feelings started to come out. Unfortunately I was taking things out on my DCs and DH and because of this, decided to find a good therapist. My therapist is what has really helped and I am feeling much better although not completely 'cured'. We are working through a lot of things from my past which I was in denial about.

If it is suppressed feelings which are causing your depression rather than just a chemical imbalance on it's own then I don't think ADs will work, you also need therapy.

You dismiss the effect of childhood bullying but a therapist probably would not dismiss it. It affected the way you feel about yourself. I was in denial about how bad things that happened to me were until my therapist said certain things. When you have underlying depression/low self esteem and then something bad happens it is hard for you to deal with it.

Like someone else on this thread said, depression makes you very "me, me, me". You are so preoccupied with all your thoughts that you don't have much left for your DCs and DH. They feel neglected. My DH wanted some attention for him, not just me going on about people who hurt me in the past - people getting all my attention in my head when DH and DCs deserve my attention more than people who did me wrong. So I can feel sympathy for your DP.

I realised men (well mine anyway) are really not good at talking on and on about emotional problems when there are no real practical solutions they can do for you. They feel powerless and like they are failing to make you happy. Women friends on the other hand are very good at this. I would advise giving your DP a break from that role and getting it fulfilled by women/MumsNet/Therapist. Do the things for DP that you would like him to do for you and he will gradually start to do them back (this seems to be working for me).

I believe you can get through this and your relationship is not doomed. It might take a while though.

Because of the extremes of up and downness that you seem to get.

Depression is very much being like a bubble. Although I prefer to liken it to being at the bottom of a deep dark pit.

Plus, the whole 'testing' of folks around us (of course, they dont know they are being tested because they are happy and blissfully unaware of what's swirling around our heads because we dont actually say it at the time) is common. We measure how we are valued or loved by what other people do - or dont do. Which is daft, because that's not how life is, is it? It's just how it seems when you are depressed. It's almost a childlike reflex to measure love by attention or affection.

One of the major things with depression is the loneliness - even if we are completely surrounded by people who love us.

The good thing is, LEM, that now you realise when you are behaving irrationally - particularly with regards to cuddles etc - you can talk yourself around. You can say to yourself "I really need a cuddle and he's not getting it. But, maybe i'm being irrational about it? I'll just go and cuddle up to him instead and be more direct about what I want".

Thankyou for your lovely post acting normal, you don't know what it means to find that people really understand. I too believe that we can get through this, i just need to find some inner strength.

VVVQV, isn't the whole up and downness part and partial of commonal garden depression? From what i have breifly read on bipolar (which hasnt been a lot - too scared) is that the ups and downs tend to be longer, so can be up for months, down for days/months/years and the ups are quite manic? I have to say that when i am up i am UP. Today, which ive noticed before after ive hit rock bottom, i felt good. Might have been putting a bit of a front on and took a few knockbacks but ive had a great day. Riding DDs bike, flying kites, lunch in the cafe - DP has been lovely. I was dancing and joking around woolworths and i saw a glimmer of DP looking at me the way he used to and he said "you're mad you are" and he was GRINNING from ear to ear. Made me jolt myself. Because he was reacting to ME, how I behave so when im miserable, he naturally reacts to it.

Last time i spoke to my doctor, she told me to make a diary and it was only reading someone elses posts on another thread today that i actually remembered. Now im not sure that "dwelling" on my feelings is going to help, but what is it aht im doing here if not dwelling and getting it out there.

Thankyou for listening and any further thoughts much appreciated. Going to start diary tonight and paste last nights post into it. Might look up some of my other threads too, see if i can find some relevance amongst my waffle and put that in too - my doctor says taht on first appearance i dont seem unwell and that i must make sure i let the mental health team know how bad i feel at times.

hi lem - sorrry to hear you are feeling down again. have you been to the doctors yet about your medication? it is awful to miss somone so desperately but remember also what yo said the last time the black mood lifted and you read what you had said about your partner. how are you getting on with sorting councelling, the diet etc.

Hi prettyfly. I am better today thankyou. I did go to the doctors, she has reffered me to the local mental health team and i am hopefully going to get a psychiatric assesment which will lead to better and longer term counselling, its funny how they change their tune about things like CBT being available when your DP comes with you and tells the doc they are frightened for you . The meds for now are the same as i got very jumpy at the thought of changing them. I dont think that is a good idea for me right now.

My poor DP, he goes through it, but he is really quite wonderful actually. He doesnt support me as much as i would like re my depression but he can't because he is scared, doesnt understand.

We have had a nice day today - i wish every day could be like today. The reason we had a nice day? Because i behaved like a normal human being for once and didnt keep pushing for arguments or attention and pity.

LEM, don't give up on the seeking proper, professional help. You are bright, funny and articulate, and you have had some hard knocks, but you can get over them in time and be happy again. I can;t help feeling a bit sorry for your DP as well, though, as it is incredibly difficult to live with someone who is depressed, particularly if the depression has taken the form of fixating entirely on the partner and behaving as though everything would be all right if the partner would just devote every single second of his/her time to indulging the depressive. Unfortunately no matter how much affection and attention your partner gives you, the nature of your illness means it will never be enough, and from his point of view it is probably very draining to have every word or action picked over time and time again: he's thinking about what to have for dinner or wondering if he needs a poo or something and you suddenly demand to know what he is thinking and why has he got that look on his face etc etc. IN your last post you acknowledged that you had a good day with him because you didn't keep pushing for attention: the sad thing is the more you push the more he flees, but if you can recognise the pattern and try to avoid it, things will get better.

The advice on here is so good, thank you for posting. I'm glad you sound much better today LEM, and sorry if my post was glum. I'm where you are but partner has gone.

VVVQV, you make a lot of sense. How does the loneliness ever go ?

TM7, are YOU getting any support?

I have lots of really good friends, and they are always there, but it's not who I want. My Mum was killed in an accident 2 years ago, and partner choose that as a good time to leave, a week after. Boozer, drink in the cupboards, tumble drier etc, and a lot of fluoxetine. Came home one day and found them giving a second dose of a medicine to my youngest, without knowing what it was or how much. Promised to change, then couldnt cope with my grief so turned back to drink and drugs and left. It's been a long couple of years. Just can't see an end to it.

You sound like you have a good chance to do something to save your soul. Not convinced about mine now. I have no self esteem issues in terms of looks or opportunity, but I can't even get out of bed somedays. Nothing I do makes it better, and the bullying and mental abuse is still as strong as it was before. It stings a bit. A lot actually

LEM do you think that, without your dad, you are unable to reinforce your feelings of self-esteem?

Like his input was absolutely necessary to your concept of yourself? And without him you cannot get confirmation of your worthiness as a person?

Constance, to be fair, ive always had issues surrounding self esteem and anxiety, but they are much more heightened these days.

TM7, i am very sorry for your loss. I know this sounds harsh but you do sound like you are better off without your abusive partner, he was only ever going to drag you down. Have you been to the doctors?

Thanks LEM. I haven't, and I've turned into every victim that I never understood. There's no violence, but the mental abuse is consuming. But the loneliness is worse. I don't want to put it on record anywhere and don't believe drugs help, but my opinion on most of these things is formed by knowing other people, rather than taking anything myself. I know that alcoholics are different people after a while, but my heart refuses to believe that the love is all dead. But it is, and I get used as an outlet for all the rage. It's affected both children, and I'm hopelessly broken hearted. I have to think of the children, but that's all I feel I have now. Maybe time is a healer. Just need the constant torture to stop, and it won't with regular contact. I get asked out, but almost always don't go, or don;t form any sort of relationship.

Mumsnet is very supportive, and a real link to peoples real thoughts. I'm not glad, but I am grateful that there are other people out there that feel like I do.

My heartfelt sympathy magnificent7. My dad was an alcoholic, and we always came 2nd place to a bottle of cider, in any consideration.

It is not because you are crap. It is because he was unable to make any other choice at that time.

I don't know how long you have been apart from your DP, but you will heal and date again (if you don't get back together). Your children are not all yo have now. You have yourself back. And I know you must have erased yourself to some extent, trying to placate an alcoholic who only wants a row

Don't mean to be disrespectful. Just wishing you strong and happy again.

TM7, the doctors don't just have drugs to offer, and you are right, they are not always the answer. I feel for you i really do as my insecurities mean that i live in fear of DP leaving me. Why do you say that the abuse hasn't stopped if he left two years ago? He must not be allowed to continue this, it sounds like he still has considerable hold over you. You really owe it to yourself and your children not to let this ruin your life. You CAN move on and make a life for yourself. I TOTALLY understand you not being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I think as people have said to me, but for different reasons, it is not good to look to others for our own happiness. You need to start to get more selfish i think and do things for you.

If you go to the doctors and ask for counselling, it remains confidential you know. Don't bottle this up.

It would mean a lot to me if you were to at least investigate this angle. If we don't start to help ourselves it lets the depression win and then the fight is all for nothing.

Thank you for your help. Hadn't really considered the docs as a starting point, rather an end point. I'm very independent, and people don't see me as someone that needs support because I'm confident and outgoing, but very good at hiding how I really feel. I stay in mostly, but give the impression that I'm always doing something else. I should be grateful for the opportunity, but I can't bear the thought of going through it all again.

But I feel better for talking about it just a little. Thanks

Depression is very much an illness - for some a disability. You'd go to the docs for any other illness that was crippling you, wouldnt you? Mental illness is no different. The problem lies within accepting that you are unwell, and that your illness is interfering with what you believe to be your emotions.

Depression can affect your moods and your brain in the same way that drugs can, because depression is caused or can cause imbalances of chemicals in your brain. One can cause the other and vice versa.

TM7 - I sometimes still feel lonely, when I'm having a bad few days. It's startlingly easy to fall into the "no-one cares, no-one loves me, why am I always reaching out to people and they not bother back" mode. But, the difference is, I know well enough now that it is the depression making me feel these dark thoughts. When I recognise it, I can start dismissing it, and telling myself that what I am feeling is not a real or true reflection of what is happening. Because, and this is the worst thing about depression....is that you are subconsciously withdrawing yourself from people, and not the other way around.

The thing is, because I've been on Sertraline for several years now, and, for most of the time i've felt bloody good - best I have done in years, I realise now that I'm actually a pretty carefree, chilled and happy person. Even when down, the simple things cheer me, and I'm a natural optimist regarding most things. I realise now that I was depressed for a large part of my teen yars, and that I now know that the darkness isnt the real me, it's the unwell me. It's a bit like I've woken up.

And DH now understands a bit more that when I'm down, there is probably no 'real' reason, and that if he asks me whats wrong, and I tearfully reply that I dont really know, or, what is upsetting me isnt actually that big a deal, he knows that I just need a hug, and to be told that it'll be okay. BUT, it's taken a while to get here.

Did you ever read my PND - a difficult journey post?

VVVQV always talks sooooo much sense! Can you direct me to your thread please .

TM7 the doctor is definately a starting point, the thing is VVVqV is right, depression IS an illness, and this is true whether it has been caused by "events" such as bad shit going on in your life, or if it is the root cause itself. Its the same outcome, often a depletion of happy hormones and the way the body works is such that very often the less you produce, the less you use, feeding back to producing even less. Sometimes people bounce back after ADs restoring that balance, other times it needs more work. And ADs are not for everyone, but they are very different to how they used to be, they don't numb or change your personality, they just allow you to get from day to day.

Interestingly someone who i know in RL asked me today if i was bi-polar So i am definately going to raise this with the psych team - i don't really want that particular label as i was hoping it was a stress thing that i can get over.

My mother has jsut dumped a load of emotional blackmail shite on my lap, made me feel like i did the wrong thing insisting on my father being buried, i wont go into it as i don't want to brood, but im feeling very just now. I can't be doing with her emotional shit just now, i just can't deal with it, i know that makes me a selfish cow and she IS my mother but i dont have the energy. I just want a pleasant evening with my DP.

my thread

I like to give it an airing once in a while

Thank you again. I'm hijacking this thread adn its not mine. I've just had another hour long brutalising on the phone. Pure 'punishment' for a comment I made. I feel totally worthless. Nothing helps. Thank you for listening though. Hope it works out LEM, really do.

VVVQV, that thread was amazing - it is the perfect similee, or is it metaphor? Im not sure it is actually PND with me, something though

TM7, don't worry about the hijack, that is the beauty of Mnet, you often find people in very similar situations.

What happened with the phonecall?

I'm in a bit of a mess tonight LEM. I can't go over it again. Nobody would believe me anyway, it's truly that sick.

I'm blessed with people that care, even people I don't know. There was a thread over the weekend about how people can be spiritual and justify the pain good people go through, and it's an agonising question. If you don't have it in you to be selfish or harsh or unfair, you do good things, work, care, be generous, then how can this feeling be allowed ?

There you go, another trouble to add to the list. I'm a terrified agnostic too. I'll see if I can explain tomorrow maybe. My eyes sting and my throat is sore from begging for it to stop.