Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Im so upset i cant stop crying

86 replies

ifeellikeshit · 30/07/2008 20:31

I feel very sad and ridiculous im very unhappy and have no one to talk to about it

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 30/07/2008 21:13

You will only do what you want to do in the end but for me a man has to support me, love me, help me etc or I'd rather be alone at least then I'd have the hope of finding someone who will love me and support me etc and in the meantime I'd have control of mine and my childrens lives and my money.

MeMySonAndI · 30/07/2008 21:13

Oh dear... I could have written that list a few years ago.

It is understandable to feel like that if you are in a new place, lonely and without the support of your husband.

The only thing I can say is that it is in your hands to change the situation, you only need to decide what is it that you really want (it took me ten years but... hope it may help someone else...).

If you want to be more relaxed in terms of money, you can talk to your partner about hjow you feel about it, when I got married (and uprooted to this country) I felt very much as you describe, it helped to have a fixed amount of money form then DH salary to spend on my own without asking anybody, I was not looking for luxuries of anything, just wanted to have the privacy to buy underwear without having to ask him for that, or to save to get other things I liked even if those where just to help me cope with the loneliness I was experiencing.

I supose your DD is tiny if she is still using vests, so perhaps not the best of ideas to go back to work now but, if you are used to a job full of activity, spending some time in that environment will certainly help you to meet more people, make friends, or at least have a bit of adult conversation.

Regarding the family abroad... a thing I have always encounter in my group of expats is how we tend to idealise our families back at home. But then spend sometime overthere a year and come back happy of having such families... and the geographical distance in the middle.

Regarding making new friends, go out for a walk, smile, talk to people, even if you are only talking to the butcher about the food you are buying you will feel better and soon you will start being part of the community.

And finally, don´t forget that is in the nature of the immigrant to feel a bit like you are feeling. Everytime someone asks about my accent and we identify each other as expats, I ask how they are coping, normally the answer involves missing something which give us a good point of conversation and eventually to a friendship. Other people may be feeling as lonely as you feel and waiting for someone to "open the door" at least a bit to be able to form new friendships.

Hope this may help a bit, but even if it doesn´t... here we are

Electricgooberella · 30/07/2008 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SSSandy2 · 30/07/2008 21:13

I don't know either - or how the dc will cope. You are pretty much on your own atm anyway though, aren't you, if dh is acting like you somehow don't really count and you have no friends/family there and a dh who is always at work and not with you?

ifeellikeshit · 30/07/2008 21:15

You all talk sense but i just cant focus..i know what i have to do but...

OP posts:
MeMySonAndI · 30/07/2008 21:16

oops, and obviously I took so long to write that message that the discussion has moved into different things

SSSandy2 · 30/07/2008 21:18

btw I am not saying that you need to end your marriage or leave dh. That's entirely your decision and I would never tell someone they should or should not do this.

I think you need some time away from him and this place which is getting you down to sort out in your mind what you do want, including do you want HIM? And then maybe you need to step by step regain a bit of CONTROL over your life. (Actually I should follow my own advice about this cometo think of it!)

Electricgooberella · 30/07/2008 21:21

By what you say about not being able to cope on your own, it sounds as though you are already.
Has your DP ever told you that you wouldn't cope?

ifeellikeshit · 30/07/2008 21:24

Thank you all for your advice... i really appreciate it.

OP posts:
girlnextdoor · 30/07/2008 21:25

Whose decision was it to live in the middle of nowhere with no transport, no job, no childcare?

This didn't just "happen"- HOW did it happen?

You have to decide whether you want to be with your partner or not. If you don't then plan to move- see a solicitor, get maintenence for DCs, and get your life back. And you will have to learn to drive- just do it!

Don't want to sound unsympathetic, but you have to start somewhere.

ifeellikeshit · 30/07/2008 21:29

No i dont think you're unsympathetic gnd...and since you asked.. it was his idea that we lived here for his job!!!

OP posts:
girlnextdoor · 30/07/2008 21:31

and where did your opinion and needs come into it?

did he ask? does he care? did you anticipate this solitary life?

What do you want to do about it? Are you married? How long have you been together? How easily could you go back to work in England?

MeMySonAndI · 30/07/2008 21:33

You have to get out of that situation pronto.

It could be by moving house (yeah I know, expensive but better to have a tiny place in a more populated area than the silence of nature), or... learn to drive, even if it´s with the excuse of saving him some ferrying around but you need to work in being independant. What you can not do is sit there and live the live of a hermit if you are not enjoying it.

llareggub · 30/07/2008 21:33

Where are you? Perhaps there are local mumsnetters who would gladly meet up for coffee?

ifeellikeshit · 30/07/2008 21:33

I know people will read this thread and think..pull yourself together you sad cow... but i didnt think i was choosing this life when i decided to be with dp. I was an independant woman with a good job and lots of friends and was totally overcome by a man

OP posts:
SSSandy2 · 30/07/2008 21:37

why does he want to live in this godforsaken place though with nothing going for it? Is the job so fantastic that he had to live here or is this where he comes from?

You know one good thing about this place being in teh middle of nowhere is that it would be a good place to learn/practice driving. Will he fork out for you to have driving lessons and is there any kind of driving school there? I mean I don't know just how isolated this place is.

You say he goes out on the town but I'm wondering where he does that unless it's a longish drive away?

ifeellikeshit · 30/07/2008 21:38

GND he did ask but made it sound like the ideal when he described it. he knows i am unhappy and just chooses to ignore it. We are not married although he proposed in the feb and we moved in the june. I have challenged his reasons for being engaged

OP posts:
MeMySonAndI · 30/07/2008 21:39

The best advice I hae received in recent times was: "Don´t be a victim, it disempowers you"

You know that you can leave anytime, he hasn´t tied you to one of the bed´s legs or locked you away. But I think you are statying because deep down you know there´s something about this relationship that makes it worthy to stay OR it could be that you are afraid about coping as a mother on your own. If you think is worthy to try to save the relationship work on it with the cold head you used when you were a succesful professionist. If the latter... go back to that profession, don´t be afraid, perhaps there wouldn´t be much money for luxuries but you won´t starve, you will be just fine. Trust yourself you will be OK whatever you decide.

Electricgooberella · 30/07/2008 21:40

I don't think anyone here thinks you are a sad cow.
You thought you were subscribing to the fairy-tale ending. We all want that when we set up with our other halves.
Maybe yours will work itself out if you stamp your feet at home. Maybe it won't but you have the children's future to consider.

ifeellikeshit · 30/07/2008 21:42

I should learn to drive while im here because i am literally in the middle of nowhere. the job he does can only be done in this environment..

OP posts:
girlnextdoor · 30/07/2008 21:43

You sound very controlled "I have challenged his reasons for being engaged"! You aren't a lawyer are you ? Sounds lawyer-speak to me!

If any man treated me like he appears to treat you, I would be out of there like a shot- never mind "challenging his reasons"!

Unless you are 100s miles from anywhere, there must be work and childcare around.

Do you love him? Do you want to be with a man who treats you like shit? it's up to you, but I wouldn't stay.

ifeellikeshit · 30/07/2008 21:47

God thanks everyone i am reading all your posts and really appreciating all your thoughts...i suppose the difficult question is..do i really want to live this life with him??

OP posts:
Electricgooberella · 30/07/2008 21:49

I think you knew the answer to that before you started this thread.

ifeellikeshit · 30/07/2008 21:51

No im not a lawyer!!If i was on the outside of this situation i would say..leave him!! too.. but my ds idolises him , asks for him all the time etc

OP posts:
dittany · 30/07/2008 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.