How would you feel if your dh did these things?

[littlemissworry]

We've been married for nearly 10 years and it would be fair to say it's been a fairly turbulent time. I got married for the wrong reasons and now I don't know how I feel anymore and am about to embark on some counselling about this and other issues I have. Anyway, over the years dh has really shown his temper on many occasions and said some quite nasty things to me. He's called me a stupid woman and sworn at me (all very aggressively); plus on one occasion he threw a book at me. The biggest problem though is sleeping together. He wants it quite a lot and I don't but every week I've gone through the motions for him, sometimes crying. If I say no to him he wants to know when it's going to be happening. He's got a bit more understanding about it but I always feel under pressure. I have 2 dc, one of whom is having a few problems himself, and I also have some of my own health issues to deal with. I'm sure compared with some people these are minor things but I've been quite hurt and I don't know if I can continue in the way we are at the moment. Sorry if a bit rambly.

I know - I think I'm still very confused about the whole thing. Feeling a bit more wobbly this afternoon when I look back over what has happened. I'm worried I'm going back out of guilt and because of the children and I really do not think this is right. I so wish somebody could tell me what to do! Do you think a marriage can ever be repaired if there has been abuse of any form? I also think that if I go back and then someday met somebody who I do really love what would happen then. What a total mess.

You can't plan your life on "what ifs." Take it bit by bit. Lay these ground rules and see how it goes. If someone else comes along in a few years' time, then cross that bridge when you get to it, depending how things are panning out with DH. Also, your kids will be that much older by then. I don't think it's wrong of you to give it another go, providing you set out what you will accept/not accept. Then, if it doesn't work, at least you can hold your head up (to your kids, more than anyone) and know that you tried everything.

You are right there ihatebikerides - what ifs are a no-go for planning your life. I do have a very good support network in place now and there are no more chances this time, so a day at a time is the way I need to play things.

Can i just ask - is it acceptable (a) for a man to get angry and swear at his children and wife (not calling them names but just using the 'f' and 'b' word) (b) to cave in the top of a metal rubbish bin when angry (c) to throw a book at his wife in front of his son (d) to get hostile in a meeting at school about his son who has had difficulties, be asked to reschedule the meeting by the head and him refuse and eventually to be asked to leave the meeting by his wife who has been reduced to tears.
Just wondering.

Oh my goodness - this is so sad - please get out of this abusive relationship. Can you ask him to leave or stay at your parents for a bit longer?

Acceptable? No. It's lunatic behaviour.

Have decided I want a separation (despite what I wrote yesterday). He's coming this afternoon to my parents' house to talk - with them close by - and I'm going to tell him then. Either he moves out of home and we go back (would be the decent thing to do but very unlikely he'll offer) or I can stay with my fabulous parents as long as I need.

His behaviour is totally unacceptable, and you know it is, especially if it affects your children. You are doing the right thing. Good luck.

Had a horrible chat with husband this afternoon and my parents ended up getting involved. He is very selfish: when I said I would like him to move out of the house so the boys could go back to be in their rooms and have their things around to help them with the situation, he just said "No way am I moving out of MY house" . Talk about thinking of no.1. Yes, I know I walked away (for good reason), but IMO he should first and foremost be thinking of his children. He admitted he had sexually abused me in the past but thought I'd put all that behind me (how could I ever forget asking someone to stop sex and them carry on). When I said about drawing up some sort of parenting plan for the boys he said that either he would do it himself or he would want a mediator . I feel a big weight off my mind and when I told the boys what was happening, ds1 said it would be the beginning of the quiet life! Very telling.

Well it was never going to be easy! Go and get legal advice, DON'T let him bully you.
This is obviously the best thing for you and your DCs, your DSs reaction spoke volumes. I wish you all the best.

Here's an update and a question. Still living with parents at the moment and husband is clearly quite shocked. He has been very hostile with my folks and not very considerate. He asked me what he could do to help the situation and when we asked whether he would move into rented accommodation so the boys could have their home back he was adamant that it was no-go. Fine, I left him, but if he asks what he can do and then throws it back in my face I don't feel he's making a huge effort. Granted, he works from home too but things could be moved, my parents have offered to help AND to help with rent! Secondly, he says that if I want him to have anger management he will, but surely he has to recognise he has a problem and want to do something about it himself? Now here's another thing. When I told counsellor about when I asked husband to stop (having sex) and he continued his response was that this was certainly abuse at it's worst form (iyswim). I confronted husband with this to which he replied "well, it was close to the end" . Surely, it should not matter - I didn't know how long he would be, and anyway, it must have been for enough time to have made a painful impression on me as I have been SO upset in my counselling sessions. I do feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall with him.

bump

Any thoughts on this latest development gratefully received.

Hello. I've just caught up with this thread and didn't want to leave it without giving you some support (and a bump!).

I'm afraid I have no experience of what you're going through so not sure if I can offer any helpful advice, but, for what it's worth, I would say you're right about the anger counselling - if he doesn't recognise he has a problem, it's not going to be much use.

Also, your counsellor is right about the abuse. In fact, if you asked him to stop and he didn't it's rape, end of story.

Your counselling seems to be really helping you but maybe you should stop going back to your husband and discussing your sessions with him - it's just clouding your thoughts and therefore hampering your progress. Work from this basis: he is wrong; you are right.

You've done some extraordinary things in a short period of time. What a strong, brave woman you are. Keep thinking and acting the way you're going and you and your dcs really will be ok.

Sorry - meant to also say, having a proper break away from him with no contact at all for a while might really help you order thoughts and plan for the future. I realise this might be hard if he wants to see your dcs, but perhaps there's a way to arrange this.

Thanks squeaver. I know I shouldn't go back and talk to him. This is one of the problems; he is very dominant and is able to make me doubt myself. I feel so much stronger than I did a week ago and I do not want to undo any of the good work that is happening.

A mediator is a great Idea.

Have you sought advice from a solicitor with regard to the house? Is it in joint names? if so could your parents help you buy your husband out or would he buy you out so you and your dcs could find somewhere to live?

We haven't had any legal advice yet but I think that's the next step. Luckily my parents are in a fairly good financial situation so we are looking at various options so that me and the boys can get back to a more normal life.

If I were you I would try and not have ANY contact with your husband for a while. If you think he should see the dcs arrange for your parents to drop them round to him and collect them again.

I agree with you ddf about seeing him. I must be strong and he HAS to accept this. I would like the dcs to see him because their relationship is ok (well, certainly ds1) and I don't want to damage this but I must be very strong about contact between us.

Have to go now for a bit; be back later.

Just bumping this to get a few more thoughts on the latest developments.

tell him to have a wank if he wants relief and not to force you into sex, that's awful.
if i don't feel like it i just tell DH to have a wank. it's alot easier, and everyone's a winner.
as for the abuse, that's uncalled for and i hope the counselling helps resolve some of these issues. perhaps he could go along to counselling too???

Met with in-laws last night. If it was your son that had abused his wife in more ways than one you would think that they would want to tear him off a strip and do all in their power to help resolve the situation. Maybe they will, but it doesn't seem that way from the conversation last night. There is no way they want him out of the family home in case "he never gets a foot back in the door". It's all about money as far as they are concerned and I find it quite hurtful that the welfare of their grandchildren is not paramount. My dad is a man of the highest integrity who would NEVER do anyone out of anything and FIL should know this. They are suggesting husband lives in office and is locked out of main part of the house! So my question is where will he eat, shower etc. To which they reply he can drive over to their house (10 mins away). How impractical is that!!? And dc will ask why daddy is locked out. My parents have offered so much help (to the man who has abused their daughter) by offering to help find him somewhere to live/work; to finance me and boys so he can pay rent. It's so that dc can get back to home and have a normal life NOT to oust him from the house. He just cannot see this, but am I unreasonable to think if he cared about me and boys enough he would try to show us he cares and help repair the situation by giving us some time and space - at home?