How would you feel if your dh did these things?

[littlemissworry]

We've been married for nearly 10 years and it would be fair to say it's been a fairly turbulent time. I got married for the wrong reasons and now I don't know how I feel anymore and am about to embark on some counselling about this and other issues I have. Anyway, over the years dh has really shown his temper on many occasions and said some quite nasty things to me. He's called me a stupid woman and sworn at me (all very aggressively); plus on one occasion he threw a book at me. The biggest problem though is sleeping together. He wants it quite a lot and I don't but every week I've gone through the motions for him, sometimes crying. If I say no to him he wants to know when it's going to be happening. He's got a bit more understanding about it but I always feel under pressure. I have 2 dc, one of whom is having a few problems himself, and I also have some of my own health issues to deal with. I'm sure compared with some people these are minor things but I've been quite hurt and I don't know if I can continue in the way we are at the moment. Sorry if a bit rambly.

Oh this is all making me cry so much. I have talked to my mum about this but only her and I feel so glad that maybe now I can talk to someone else and get things clear in my mind - I have been struggling with it for such a long time and I don't think I realized how much until now. The thing is that I can't discuss it with my husband very easily and I really HAVE tried. He says there is no pressure but I still feel there is - like i say, i fear what will happen, so therefore I feel a strain. When he says there's no pressure I want him to show it, to be kind, and not just make a remark about it. Sometimes I psych myself up all day to do the deed. I feel like it's all my fault that things have got to where they have and inside I feel guilty about writing all this . He says he tries to make it pleasurable for me which makes me feel awful as perhaps it's me that's being the baddie.

Due to gynae problems/menopause problems have zero sex drive. My husband would love it if we were to have sex on a regular basis, but I know he would never blame me, shout at me or have sex with me when he knew I wasn't in the mood. Sometimes I feel guilty, but I can't help it. But the difference is I can honestly say I love my DH. You can't. You say you can't discuss things easily and you should be able to talk to your husband freely, without being judged. You said in your op that you have other issues,I hope you are able to overconme all your issues and have a happy life, with or witout your husband.

The other thing is that a few years ago we went to Relate and the woman there made me feel awful. She said to me "you've entered into a consensual sexual realtionship" (meaning by getting married) which made me feel awful about the fact that I didn't want to have sex that often. Of course he now brings this up in the conversations we have and thinks that if he has high sex drive and I'm opposite then we need to compromise. This is just another aspect of the same problem making me feel that it's me and another reason I grit my teeth and get on with it. But where's the love in that? Surely if that's what sex and love is all about I'd rather not have it.

But consenusal means you both have to want it, you need to ask yourself if you love your husband, or is it a blip in the relationship, or will you never love him?

That's the crux of it cocolepew. At the moment I don't know how I feel because it's clouded with all of this. I know I'm scared of leaving because of the children.

Does your H ave a good relationship with the DCs?

My therapist would say that what your husband has done is rape. The law says something like a person must have reasonable signs of consent to touch another person in a sexual way. Crying is the opposite!

Well, he does with ds1 but not so great with ds2. In fact, ds2 has had numerous behavioural problems and is currently having these sorted and it would appear that some of it is to do with attachment. I wonder whether he has seen/heard arguments between me and husband (I'm sure he has) and this is causing him problems. He is extremely attached to me and therapist thinks there are difficulties forming proper attachments elsewhere. H is very, very dominant and ds2 is sensitive so may be affected. However, in defence of h he is trying hard to amend things with ds2 and build a better relationship. I just don't want to make things worse for my lovely little boy.

That basicly sounds like rape to me tell him he stops if you want to keep the relationship (cant understand why personaly) or finish it sounds like has no respect for you at all.

I think you need to tell your H that he needs to stop mentioning sex for a few weeks to gauge how you feel and how he reacts. I'm a bit loathe to say on an internet forum what you should do as I don't know you or your H, but if for what it's worth I would recommend a break from each other, at the very least.

I hope you can see from all these posts how horrible your situation is- you are behaving like a doormat and allowing yourself to be abused.

Do you think this is what marriage is supposed to be?

FGS leave him.

I feel ashamed about everything. I didn't think things were this bad, but they must be. Thank goodness I have someone I can confide in now. I have been carrying this for too long.

You have done nothing to be ashamed of.

PS sorry about namechanges, it's too do with another thread I'm on

That's ok cocolepew! Made me smile for the first time this afternoon . You mumsnetters are all fab and I'm so grateful for all the advice and support. I know really I don't need to be ashamed but part of it is because I have quite a strong faith and I feel dishonorable because of talking about this behind husband's back. I've spoken to my mum too and I feel two-faced.

Oh LMW, have you fallen into the trap of thinking that men's feelings, wishes and 'rights' matter more than anything women want? What kind of witless fcking counsellor did you see who told you to let your husband have sex with your body whether you want it or not? She should be struck off! Just because you consented to sex with someone once does not mean they are entitled to start penetrating your body whenever they feel like it. Your husband is the dishonourable one here: using threats, intimidation and emotional blackmail to force you into allowing him sexual access to your body. YOU ARE A HUMAN BEING NOT HIS PROPERTY.

You were asking advice, that's not the same as talking behind somebodys' back.

Yes, that is true that i'm only asking advice. And it's all very good advice. I'm going on Thursday to see counsellor so hoping for more guidance then. solidgoldbrass - I agree that the Relate woman was rather insensitive, to say the least! My experience of men is somewhat limited so I suppose I don't really know what I should expect out of marriage, but I know I'm not happy right now.

You need to think what will make you happy, and go from there. Good luck on Thursday

Agreed.

Thanks again! Off to bed now (alone!).

Is leaving the marriage an option? Is there a strong religious/cultural community around you that would disapprove and blame you?
Either way, I truly feel for you. I have experienced a tiny part of what you're saying. Things have improved for me immeasurably, and we have reached a compromise that suits us both. But that has evolved from endless talking and us both agreeing some ground rules about spoken/unspoken pressure. (It had got to the stage where I felt that he'd read into simple things like a hug or a thankyou kiss that he might get sex that night). This was tough for DH but, being a decent, kind man who loves me very much, we got through it.

ok, keep in touch

Let me tell you something. After my DS was born I was so traumatised and sore that I did not have sex with my DH for 18 months. Not once did he put pressure on me, though I know he found this length of time extremely hard, and he never took out his frustration on me or my DS, or anyone else. That is how it is supposed to be. We now have a perfectly normal and loving sex life and part of that is my extra love for him for having put up with that situation with such good grace. That is what people who love each other do. They catagorically do not pressure each other or have sex through gritted teeth, or whilst crying.

You have done nothing wrong. You have not allowed this situation to happen or made it worse - your husband is entirely responsible for his actions. Any decent man would be repulsed by the kind of sex you describe because it is very, very abusive. I hope you find the strength to sort this out because you deserve so much better.

TheProvincialLady, you are so lucky to have such a loving and caring husband. That is all I want. To anyone else who has contributed to this thread and anyone on other threads who is going through similar difficulties, I hope you too can sort them out as it is such a hard and confusing thing. ihatebikerides - leaving the marriage is an option (and something I have considered/am still considering) but for various reasons it could be extremely difficult. Maybe I will explain these one day but I don't feel ready to just yet - it is nothing to do with the domestic situation. My husband knows very little of how I really feel and I'm very scared about how I will tell him because I know that at some stage I'm going to have to. Just counting down until tomorrow when I can unburden myself to the counsellor.