How would you feel if your dh did these things?

[littlemissworry]

We've been married for nearly 10 years and it would be fair to say it's been a fairly turbulent time. I got married for the wrong reasons and now I don't know how I feel anymore and am about to embark on some counselling about this and other issues I have. Anyway, over the years dh has really shown his temper on many occasions and said some quite nasty things to me. He's called me a stupid woman and sworn at me (all very aggressively); plus on one occasion he threw a book at me. The biggest problem though is sleeping together. He wants it quite a lot and I don't but every week I've gone through the motions for him, sometimes crying. If I say no to him he wants to know when it's going to be happening. He's got a bit more understanding about it but I always feel under pressure. I have 2 dc, one of whom is having a few problems himself, and I also have some of my own health issues to deal with. I'm sure compared with some people these are minor things but I've been quite hurt and I don't know if I can continue in the way we are at the moment. Sorry if a bit rambly.

Sometimes threads on MN make me cry.

This is one of them

I have been thinking about everything and I feel disgusted with myself. Sorry this is too much info but H tries to make things nice so each time brings me to climax. But all the time it's going on I keep wishing it would hurry up and happen and it often takes me ages. I turn away and hate it when he kisses me and sometimes block my ears so I can't hear him breathing. But the response must be involuntary not due to pleasure as so often i'm feeling awful. But now I feel I have deceived him by letting him do this to me. Oh this just gets worse and I'm in a cold sweat.

I was like this with my exp, I seemed to be unable to get the kick to leave him, I hated him by the time I did. If your are repulsed by your H kissing you makes me wonder if you have had a bad experience in the past? (don't expect you to answer that btw) or you just hate him. Good luck tomorrow

But how could I have let him think I was enjoying it and have an orgasm. It is all so horrible and I feel repugnant with myself too. Have I abused him by doing this? I HATE SEX. When I speak all these things out loud, which I will have to, I am going to find it so hard.

But I have done all of this for him. I have done it so he is satisfied and does not pester (spoken or unspoken), so I can feel I have done enough so I don't have to go through it again for a few days/week or so. I am so confused.

Rape victims can have an orgasm. It means nothing when that happens, it's purely physical. You really need to speak to him. Say you don't want sex mentioned for a month and you won't be having sex. If he asks why try to explain in whatever way suits you. If he persists, well then I would consider a break away from him.

No, you haven't abused him. A lot of women do or have done what you do, faking it to get it over with. It wasn't a great idea to start doing it but I can completely understand why you would, if you feel pressure from your husband to have sex and to perform. You obviously have a lot of issues in your marriage and I am sure that once you unburden to your counsellor you will start to get a better understanding of the best way forward.

Thanks again. I will keep in touch. Big hugs to all you helpful people.

Sorry I'm here again, worrying again!! Again tmi but I have let him masturbate me - that is when I close my eyes, turn away. That is how he brings me to it. I hate to write the word as I feel that I have done a very wrong thing here. I have made him think I'm enjoying it. I know cocolepew you say it is physical but I still feel I have deceived him. BUT I have explained why this is all going on. I should have been honest but it's because I can't be, I'm scared he'll lose it and so I do this for him. I'm going round in circles here but tonight I feel awful.

Like I said before tell him no. Take it from there.

Look, I know it'll be very hard, but you MUST tell all this to the counsellor. There is NOTHING that will shock her, or that she won't have heard before. Her only aim is to help you feel better. You have done nothing wrong. Trying to keep the peace and protect your DCs from DH's moods is to be commended, not derided.
Be brave..... I'll be thinking of you.

ihatebikerides, that is very encouraging and what I needed to hear. Thank you.

Can I just say re what I wrote yesterday evening, that I feel like my mind and body are totally separate if that makes sense. When he's doing things I will myself, even pray it won't take long, because I know he will know if I fake it. And if it doesn't happen I will feel I have failed him and make myself have sex again maybe the next day. So all the time my body is experiencing so called 'pleasant' things, my mind hates every minute and just wants it to be over.

I know it's all been said but please, somebody, I just need a hug .

Anybody?

Here you are > Good luck today!

And another {{{{{}}}}}

Good luck for today- hope the counselling helps.

I got to this stage with my first xh, LMW.

He was selfish. If he couldn't go to the pub at night, he would go to bed straight after his dinner (about 7 o'clock) and leave me with our 2 DD's for company. He never gave me any money. If I complained, he would just stare at me and say absolutely nothing. He used to shout at the DD's when they cried as babies, because they were keeping him awake. Everything got done his way, or he was leaving us.

In the end, I hated him. I would have sex with him and cry (like you). He didn't force me into sex, but I was afraid if I didn't have it, he would leave, and I didn't want to be a single parent (don't know if this is how you feel?) I didn't want to be abandoned, but neither did I want to be with him for the rest of my life.

Once I'd got to the crying-during-sex stage, I knew it was over really. My sister said, 'stick with him. He's the father of your children. If it's only about sex, an orgasm is an orgasm, and it doesn't matter who gives it to you'. I couldn't agree less. He reminded me of a grunting pig, and I felt like some cheap slapper for having sex with a man who repulsed me.

I hope the counsellor will help you to find your way through this. It feels like a trap you can't get out of. But you can. Whether you work through it with him, or you get out, it doesn't have to remain as it is.

Wishing you all the best.

Well, here I am with great big red eyes after seeing the counsellor this morning. I was in bits when I said everything - and I did say everything which was SO hard but SO worth it because now I know that what is happening is all wrong. I don't know whether we will get through this and I don't think I want to. If it wasn't for the boys my bags would have been packed long ago. I have such a wonderful and supportive family who are very close by and I know I'm lucky because they will stick by me whatever happens. However, I will not make rash decisions because I feel very, very vulnerable at the moment but I've taken the best and biggest step I can and what a relief it is to know that somebody can help me at last .

What fantastic news You have been so brave, it must have been really hard for you but what a relief!

Well done, you. That was the biggest step forward. But, as you say, no rash decisions. However, I'm wondering what would happen if you told DH that there will be no more sex for the time being while you sort out your feelings. This might force the issue but, at the very least he'll realise how unhappy you are and you can decide whether you want to fix it or not. Also, it will buy you some time without you having to undergo the humiliation of hating yourself for sleeping with him against your will.

Well done I agree, say no more sex, you don't like it and you don't want it.

Thanks guys . Yes the question of sex had crossed my mind (funnily enough!) but I don't feel too under pressure at moment as only a few days has passed since I last had to oblige. I have another appoinment on Monday so will discuss how I approach it then. Must go. Husband lurking.

Well, here I am at my parents for the weekend trying to sort my head out. We are going to talk tomorrow (here) and I'm going to lay down some ground rules if we are going to start to work anything out. No agreement, no go. For the sake of my children I am going to try one more time (a fool you may say) and there will be no sex until I want - which is likely to be a very long time, we start as friends; he gets counselling for his anger and hostility and he lets me do my own thing at home without feeling intimidated. He has BIG changes to make and the marriage is only going to work if he makes them. I don't love him but maybe it can be built if we get some decent foundations in place.

WOW! Big steps, well done hope it works out for you. BUT I have to say staying in a marriage with somebody you don't love isn't the greatest starting point. All the best though.