How to improve failing relationship...

[charliecat]

Dp and I are both pretty fed up with each other. Neither of us make much effort, hes happy leaving me to do all the housework and childcare, I am resentful...have nagged...moaned etc and now its got to the point where its make or break.
The good thing is we are both prepared to make an effort...the thing is im not sure how or what...I know hes going to muck in a bit more but we still have to salvage us, not just the washing up.
Help please...

What did you used to enjoy doing together? What first attracted you to one another?

Message withdrawn

We used to pub it a lot, spend hours in bed together..we dont do as much of that now..

.

I am in the same situation as you.... the only difference (I think) is that I am living abroard and have not family around. I don't think this helps the matter, I am so wanting to go back home and be around friends and family....

Hi charliecat. I think most couples experience this when the children are small. It's very easy to stop bothering to go the extra mile when you are busy and tired with a constant audience!

The lie-ins often disappear when children come on the scene, but you can have early nights instead. The trick is to go to bed before you are tired - take a bottle of wine with you or whatever...it's fun.

Get a babysitter and go to the pub or wrap the kids up warmly and go on a Sunday afternoon and sit in the pub garden. We often do this in the winter, it gets us out of the house. We go for long, long walks and stop at a pub for a meal, then the long, long walk back. Choose a route away from busy roads and you and dh can chat away while the kids meander.

As for the housework - why not tell dh that as soon as he's finished the ironing (or whatever), you'll open the wine and get the bed warm.

Good ideas, he is coming back today after being away for nearly a week and ive said once we have got the kids from school shall we got for a walk with the kids...take a ball bla bla..
We did the pub thing a couple of weeks ago which was nice
Hayleylou, I have my mum around but when I said I was not going to see her today as dp was coming back and we had some stuff to sort out she took the huff and said "what sort of stuff" and I said "well actually weve been on the verge of breaking up and I want to make an effort to welcome him back"...went totally over her head, and all she could see was that I wasnt going to be around for a chinwag but nevermind!!!!!!!!!!
Will try the bottle in bed tonight
Any more tips?

what about writing down who does what chores so you know what jobs each of you have to do.boring i know but at least its in writing, or take turns with the dishes etc. try not to nag and moan, keep voice and if he accuses you of nagging then say 'i keep asking the same thing because you dont seem to be responding to me'. 'would really love it if you did ...' when he has done a chore say 'thankyou'. you know how men like to be admired !

Ooh! I never say thank you. It implies that he is doing something for me rather than for all of us (including himself!) As though it were my responsibility and he did me a favour!

Yes, I struggle with the words to say tidy up without saying HELP ME as its not just me and my mess its his and his kids too...comments for how to nag wihtout making it sound as if im palming my job(which its not) on him !!!

I would go one step further and try to get away for a weekend together. Take the housework, children and stress causing stuff out of the equation. Someone else will do the cooking and cleaning and you two can concentrate on each other.

He may not do so much around the house if he feels he contributes in other ways e.g. earning the money, driving long journeys, DIY. My DH and I recognise we each have different strengths so tend to do certain jobs each, rather than split everything 50:50.