My friends behaviour is bad and now she has slept with a married man

[SmallWorldSoNameChanged]

I've just given her a piece of my mind. how would she feel if somebody did that to her etc esp if it was someone she knew

I think I might have been too hard on her but I just think it's so poor.

Now I feel angry about her behaviour and guilty that I was hard on her.

I am really fucked off with her but it's none of my business ultimately.

I basically told her that she ought to change her friends and do less drugs, that she never used to be like this and she needed to stop behaving like a slapper.

I should probably apologise?

I had an argument at the weekend with someone about something similar. She told me that if I was bothered by her sleeping with a married man, I should not judge her but instead, have a word with my dh.

I know we are not supposed to judge people but as I said to her, "if you do sh*tty things, I have the right not to like it."

I'm to angry to text her but I feel bad for the way I spoke to her, although I felt it was balanced at the time she is (used to be?) one of my closest friends

err, sorry to hijack..

beansprout, I hope you asked her what she meant by that comment about your dh ???

I assume that she meant that if I was so bothered, it must be because there is a problem in my marriage. I think women like her tend to adopt this position because they can feel they are not to blame and feel a bit better about themselves. Sad.

< phew >

why apologise, drugs are not good and do alter people's behaviour, it's truth

Only apologise if you want to help her and think she wants your help. If you just disapprove of her and her lifestyle then why not butt out of it and leave her alone?

What she is doing is wrong there is no doubt about that but I think people who do this have underlying emotional problems. Why does she feel so empty that she needs drugs and the sort of people for friends who take drugs? Why does she feel the need to get involved with someone who can never give her all that she deserves from a relationship? Has something bad happened to her recently or has she had a difficult childhood? These are things to think about before you give up on being her friend.

I think it is ok and right that you told her off for doing wrong things, but she also deserves help and you could ask her gently "What makes you feel the need to take drugs?" etc and really listen to her answer and ask further questions. She might not want to talk about it but you could let her know that if she would like to talk, you will be available.

It is also ok and right if you refuse to do anything which will help her to do wrong things eg be an alibi etc. A good friend will not help her to do things which are no good for her long term.