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Relationships

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Original poster

How bad is snooping?

20 replies

maribe · 20/07/2008 10:10

I have a thread right now about having found out my DP posted a profile on a dating site (says he did not try to meet anyone). I found this out through looking at bank statement which was lying on table. I am not a serial snooper or anythihg.

Anyway, as it says on the other thread DP has diverted the issue into being indignant about my invading his privacy!!

I am going to have to "have it out" with him later. I didn't think what I did was that bad but need some perspective.

I do know what he did was bad BTW. Though would really appreciate some comments on that thread too because only 2 people replied and I am really confused.

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Carmenere · 20/07/2008 10:13

So how 'p' is your dp, do you have dc's together? And live together? If so he is just trying to distract from his obvious attempt to cheat on you. If not he may not be a 'p' iyswim. either way I would be reassesing my relationship.

newforold · 20/07/2008 10:15

You didn't snoop, a bank statement was left lying around, you saw something that made you suspicious after your recent ups and downs (going from what you posted on the other thread) and you acted on that. Lucky you did really or you wouldn't have found out what was really going on.

I agree with other posters on that thread that your relationship may sadly have run it's course.
Relationships do need work but both people have to want to work and not feel like it's a burden.
You don't sound happy and i should think your partner is not very happy either.

Consider whether or not you deserve to have a happy single life where you do not have someone else bringing you down. Do you really want all of your partners drama in your life and do you think it will improve?

PeaMcLean · 20/07/2008 10:18

What Carmenere says.

Snooping isn't as bad as dating someone else. If the bank statement was on the table, it's not the same as going through someone's drawers - which would be very silly.

Original poster

maribe · 20/07/2008 10:18

We live together in a house we own. No DCs. He has been very depressed recently though things have much improved recently. I think he went on this site before we started working on things. Would you look on my thread? It is a few down and the title is quite obvious "DP on dating site" or something? I feel really overwhelmed and not sure what direction to go in now.

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Original poster

maribe · 20/07/2008 10:19

Cross posts!

OP posts:

Original poster

maribe · 20/07/2008 10:21

Yes definitely not as bad as the dating site. I know what he did was infinitely worse and I feel he just had one way to retailate because he didn't expect to be caught out.

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newforold · 20/07/2008 10:31

thats it in a nutshell maribe. Diverting your anger into guilt is a fabulous way to lessen what he has done and not have to apologise and talk about things like an adult.

HermanMunster · 20/07/2008 11:44

not relating to your situation because your dp was obviously being a fuckwit by being on a dating site and i'm not going to defend his actions.
personally snooping is an absolute deal breaker in relationships for me. if i found my oh secretly checking my e-mails or text messages, that would probably be it.

Ate · 20/07/2008 13:24

"How bad is snooping?" There's a time and a place, it isn't always unwarranted. (Massive change of perspective due to recent experiences!)

IMO, you haven't snooped, he's projecting. He got caught albeit inadvertantly, on your part. TBH I'd wonder what he is hiding to have become so precious about privacy when it hasn't even been breached!

raisinbran · 21/07/2008 01:44

I think you can sense when things are going wrong and looking helps to confirm your suspitions. I never once looked at my husbands emails or phones etc in 13 years of marriage yet I did after we seperated and he had denied seeing anyone when he was.

You are trying to be reasonable by questioning your behaviour yet he has behaved inappropriately and is not accepting any blame.

As much as I wanted my marriage to work counselling helped me face it I am worth more than being treated 2nd best.

Marriage counselling could help save your relationship if you both want it.

((Hugs)) you sound as if you need some support.

nik76 · 21/07/2008 07:25

I ahve some experience of this, found some texts I was concerned about a few years ago and it did come back to what were you doing looking at my phone. The thing is I was on my own in the house and was just beng nosey wasn't expecting to find anything that would worry me tbh.

At the end of the day if you can forgive and forget then so should he. (as in HE feels he has something to F&F not that we do!!)

HermanMunster · 21/07/2008 11:21

"The thing is I was on my own in the house and was just beng nosey wasn't expecting to find anything that would worry me tbh."

that's not "just being nosey" that's out and out snooping.

Elmosgirl · 21/07/2008 11:26

I think it depends on a lot of variables...incessant snooping for no reason is very bad, such as constantly checking emails, phone etc.

Having a nose at something lying round in a public place, i.e bank statement, phone bill, not bad.

Opening post - bad. Having a look at opened post left lying around, not bad.

I also think if you have good reason to be suspicious and are fully prepared for the consequences then checking emails etc is understandable.

I have no interest what so ever in my DP's email account, bank statements or phone bills. This is mainly because I have no reason to be suspicious of his behaviour, I do know though that if I was suspicious I would have a look.

HermanMunster · 21/07/2008 11:41

i'd agree with that to an extent. if bills are just left lying out on the kitchen table or you just come across something by accident then that could hardly be classed as snooping.
but you could never accidently check someones e-mails or their text messages, you have to actively do that. and to me that kind of thing is completely unacceptable and a complete invasion of someones privacy.

Earlybird · 22/07/2008 12:37

I absolutely agree that in general people are entitled to their privacy and snooping is bad. However, if there are legitimate reasons to be suspicious and you think your dp is being untruthful/dishonest, I'm not above a bit of 'active' snooping. (Obviously, this opens a whole discussion on what is a 'legitimate' reason).

I have snooped once in a relationship - and painful as it was to find what I did, don't regret it for a moment. It was clear my partner was being completely dishonest with me in one very important area of our relationship.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. But I maintain that most people snoop for a reason (discounting insecure/paranoid behaviour). Snooping on an honest partner will reveal nothing. Snooping on a dishonest partner will reveal a great deal.

Pheebe · 22/07/2008 12:43

Who's was the bank statement? If it was his and you sat and read it you are in the wrong IMO. If it was a joint account then not ... obviously. You'd have had to sit and read through every item to find something like that, these things don't just leap out at you. Did you have reason not to trust him beforehand?

BUT that doesn't detract from your DP being wrong wrong wrong to post himself on a dating site while in a relationship with you. Yes, you have invaded his privacy but he has betrayed you in (almost) the worst way.

SueMunch · 01/08/2008 15:53

If you live together or have children together, IMO it should all be in the open. A bank statement is not a private diary.

Before acting I would try to get to the bottom of your partners actions - if he is bored or frustrated it can often be channeled in the wrong way - drinking, inappropriate behavior etc.

Anniegetyourgun · 02/08/2008 10:49

Someone who knows please correct me if I'm wrong, but I understand that evidence cannot be used in a court of law if it was inappropriately obtained. However this is not a court of law - it's a relationship.

I'm not sure how I feel myself about the snooping issue, can see both sides of the argument, but however the evidence was obtained in no way excuses the actions that were found out. A partner still cheated even if you didn't look at his phone. She still owes thousands of pounds whether or not he looked at her bank statement. He is still an alcoholic whether or not she lied about giving up smoking. They still shoplift whether or not someone else mugs little old ladies. Am I making any sense here? Basically the point is: your "crime" is a separate issue, it does not excuse his.

You remember the playground 11th Commandment ("thou shalt not be found out")? Silly, isn't it? Yet adults still seem to think that is the real crime. What they did didn't really happen unless someone else finds out - er what?

OurHamsterisevil · 02/08/2008 12:11

I open Dh's post and he doesn't have a problem with this. I'm pretty sure what I do is illegal but as DH doesn't mind it doesn't matter.

So what I'm saying really is why would he have a problem with you looking at his bank statement. Unless he had something to hide. Which he did. He can't try and get out of doing something wrong by making you out to be wrong

Original poster

maribe · 03/08/2008 17:25

Sorry haven't been on in a while.

Thanks everyonr for your thoughts and support.

Some may not agree with what is happening but I feel I've made the right decision. I am staying with DP for now. I believe my DP who tells me that he wasn't trying to meet someone else, he was looking for an ego-boost due to his depression/ unemployment/feeling I am doing better than him). My faith in our relationship has been rattled but time will tell if we can get things back on track.

thanks again.

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