I am shaking with rage!

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h is passive agressive. Huge row few weeks back, he wanted 'fresh start' with me, last couple of weeks great. Yesterday he obviously got the hump about something, last night slept on sofa, this morning he is showered, put washing on and ironing all before 9, classic sign he has slipped back. Says he will give me a cuddle when he has finished ironing, cheers mate!! If i ask what's wrong he will say nothing, so here we go again!!! No reply needed, just wanted to rant!

I have a best freind who partner immediately goes out and lifts the hood of his car, (control thing) disconnects this or that, and then goes about fixing it for hours. Rooting all the family to the spot, no car, no go out's, no normal activities... If I walk up the driveway and see him tinkering, I do an about turn and go home as I know the atmosphere is 'pending'... Ugh... we jokingly call it 'he's pissing on his post' and we both know he's in a mood and 'lets get the bikes out'. We get the kids out exercising, fresh air, and fun. Just pre-occupy yourself, it defuses the intensity of it all and you can handle the cry for attention better. Control is only 'control' when you let someone do it.

If he's finished with your ironing could you send him round here, I've got a massive pile and my husband's buggered off for the day with his mates.

He slept on the sofa. there was obviously an isue with the OP.

He is now being controling, by avoidance of talking about it, and doing 'nice' things so that any challenge from the other party seems aggresive and irrational.

Realionships are alot more complex than some of you are pretending.

In the absence of proper explanation from the OP about what his old ways entail it is hard to be more sympathetic.

If he is "using" this good behaviour as his defence for unreasonable behaviour, then TBGP's suggestions are the perfect answer.

TBH, he sounds like he could be a lot worse.

YCHE, I think people do know that relationships are more complex than that - I certainly do.

But it's about perspective - there are some pretty straightforward ways round this that don't include shaking with rage at someone for doing the ironing rather than giving you a cuddle.

It's about perspective. I won't say "Oh, you poor love, how perfectly freadful" when worse things happen at sea.

Or "dreadful", obv.

I am not being funny or cynical but I really don't understand the OP at all. Could someone explain the issue?

Isn't it possible your DH is worried about meeting his son again? You have another thread atm about him not seeing him for 20 years - that must be playing on his mind, no?

I should think that alot of her 'shaking' and 'rage' comes from the frustration felt when faced with passive aggresive behaviour.

Avooidance of issues, and the harm done to realtionships through this, may not be as blatantly obvious as some one screaming or shouting or in refusal to help, but it can be just as destructive in the hurt, anger, frustration and feelings of non acknowledge ment that it causes.

To respond 'oh doing the ironing is helpful' is just not attempting to take into account why this leaves her shaking with anger, and to state 'worse things happen' is true, obvious, and applicable to many relationship issues, but totally unhelpful and adding to the non acknowledgemnt of the feelings of thr OP.

I have felt myself screaming to be heard in my head when my DH responds with 'but the lawn needed cutting' with faux naivety when he knows I am at the point of loosing it emotionally over an issue in our realtionship that I feel is being ignored or sidelined.

This issues lead to the failure of marriages just as much as more obvious aggressive behaviour. Believe me.

You are just further, ignoring and sideleining the OP's emotions, with a ludicrous 'worse things happen' retort, and ignoring the complexity of the emotions and realtinship.

Yes helpful ways to deal with it are good, and what she needs, but 'I wish my DH would do our ironing' is just simplistic, superfical, and unkind.

'Worse things happen' could be the response to about 85% of issues poele want to discuss on MN. The fact worse things happen, may be true, but it does not invalidate poepls feelingsor there very real ongoing concerns.

Following him around the house nagging about 'opening up' and 'expressing my emotions' will achieve fuck all if he is in a huff.

she is entitled to do so if she pleases - but he is equally entitled to ignore her and do the ironing.

I have a very very good idea about passive aggression in relationships - but have lived through worse, and can't get too het up about someone pointedly ironing at someone else.

The Ops dp sounds childish - being childish back will not solve this. Nagging will not solve this. Repeatedly trying to address issues he will not address will not solve this. The only thing to do with tantrums is ignore them.

And, harsh but true - the OP's feelings may be hurt, but that doesn't give her the right to be heard NOW, WHEN I WANT TO, BECAUSE I SAID SO. The other partner in a relationship has the right to retreat until they feel able to deal with the relationship issues. It can't always be at the beck and call of the most impatient person - and I speak as the most impatient person.

WHY DID HE SLEEP ON THE SOFA?

There has to be something missing to this story.

TBH, If he slept on the sofa and the OP went to bed then she avoided the 'issue' last night so maybe he's pissed off about that?

As I said, there are some fairly straightforward ways round this.

One of them is for the OP to alter the way she reacts to this behaviour.

So he wants to sleep on the sofa - thank him for letting her have the bed to herself; she's had a more refreshing sleep than she's had for a long time.

If he wants to do the ironing, again, thank him, then trill merrily "You are an angel, you have everything under control, I'm going into town for a bit. Want to meet me there for lunch/can I get you anything?"

If she's expecting him to be able to change his attitude, yet she won't change her way of dealing with things, what's the likely outcome? Shaking with rage, feeling impotent, etc.

The way I outline above, the more she thinks positively, the more positive she will feel.

TBGP, yes, agree so much with that - the "It's important to me, so we will discuss it NOW!" thing - oh, fgs, grow up!

There is a type of person who makes housework into a big deal though. Who cleans stomily and irons aggresssively. It's all "I'm just tidying up here. What's the problem?" but the subtext is "Look at what I am doing. I'm so great and unappreciated." Maybe there is something of this going on.

probably there is - I don't doubt it. But you can't be huffy and martyred to someone who is completely oblivious to any undercurrent of resentment. She should either smile beautifically or go out. She'll come back to a clean house (presuming he doesn't stop cleaning the second he's not getting attention for it) and she won't have to watch him huff around doing it.

For goodness sake, doing the housework and having a shower is not HOSTILE. Get some perspective.

Exactky, Dittany. Also, in a relationship, why should you not express yourself? Why shouldn't see acknowledge how sghe is feeling?
Growing up in a house of moods and silences and covering up is no fun for kids, believe me

Well, if he's such a hopeless waster, why not just go straight to divorce, do not pass go, do not look at the fact he's had a son he's not seen for 20 years contact him recently, etc, etc.

If the OP looks to her own behaviour, her own reactions to this behaviour, she will see that she's falling into a well-worn pattern here. All I am suggesting is that she changes her own behaviour in order to elicit a different reaction to the time-honoured one she's had previously.

I'm not suggesting she becomes a Stepford Wife, fgs, simply that if her marriage is worth saving, she needs to be prepared to change her own behaviour as well.

I don't think that anyone has suggested divorce!
Just that there are problems and they will not go away by ignoring/denial.
There are a lot of options between putting up with it and divorce surely?

Yes, Dittany.

I was giving her some of the options she had, but was told I didn't understand passive aggressive behaviour.

Shall we all sit around the camp fire, telling sad stories about men who iron aggressively and playing laments on the violin instead of attempting to be constructive?