I am shaking with rage!

[beautox]

h is passive agressive. Huge row few weeks back, he wanted 'fresh start' with me, last couple of weeks great. Yesterday he obviously got the hump about something, last night slept on sofa, this morning he is showered, put washing on and ironing all before 9, classic sign he has slipped back. Says he will give me a cuddle when he has finished ironing, cheers mate!! If i ask what's wrong he will say nothing, so here we go again!!! No reply needed, just wanted to rant!

Even if he is doing it to piss you off, you're letting him win, aren't you?

Why don't you take it in the spirit you wish it was intended, smile and thank him, and go back to bed while he finishes off?

If he really is doing it to make you angry, he'll stop when he realises it's not working, won't he?

I must be a NIGHTMARE to manipulate, I'd have been really pleased to get up to a fully automated domestic slave...

This is really annoying, beacuse if you don't discuss these things they don't go away, and also he is calling the shots by deciding when things are better again, leaving you feeling powerless.
It's control freakery in a passive disguise

Agree with carmenere about changing your reaction to his behaviour. But this is assuming he is a reasonable man in a reasonable mood. As I have no background info and don't know of your other threads that's all I have to go on.

You seen extremely worried, though. Is this washing and ironing ritual done in cold rage by him? is he trying to frighten you?

What would happen if you went out to shop for food, say? Can you do some act to break the pattern?

Would he be hoovering and ironing if you were out of the house?

Have you any idea what he might have got the hump about?

beautox- it's hard to explain yourself on here sometimes and you can feel pounced on.
Honestly, if you felt strongly enough to post then there is a problem

NFO

The op is "shaking with rage" because her partner got up and is doing housework. I personally don't consider going for counseling to be sign of weakness, and therefore don't consider the suggestion to do so to be an insult - do you? Is there some kind of taboo in your mind about asking for help?

The man has done Nothing Wrong. You can't be furious with someone because of the thoughts in their head - that's just not on.

Would you be so sympathetic if it was a man posting " I am shaking with rage - I got up this morning and my wife was showered, put washing on and ironing all before 9, classic sign she has slipped back. Says she will give me a cuddle when she has finished ironing, cheers love! If i ask what's wrong she will say nothing, so here we go again!!!"

Don't tell me we would all be posting 'Oh you poor thing, how passive aggressive of her'.

the ironing etc is obviously his way of dealing with stuff he can't/won't express so have some sympathy for OP - but beautox you need to look at how you respond to his slipping back into his old ways - what is your pattern of behaviour? and see if you can "break" that pattern. agree counselling a good idea.

TBGP- Do you really think that is what she was angry about? No one would be angry about that.
It is the fact that he has decided that things are back to normal without giving her a chance to defend herself?

How has he done that then? How has he decided things are back to normal and why can she not express herself? Is she gagged? Does he hit her? Please someone tell me how this is such a big problem that the OP is furious, because I genuinely don't understand.

I WOULD be pissed off that he slept on the sofa. I would also assume that the gettin g up early meant he didn't sleep very well, and the housework was because he's decided to STOP being a nob.

tbgp there's obviously a lot more going on here than the OP said

he sounds like he would drive me nuts and I'd want to leave. I really hate men like this.

So you think she is furious that he did the housework?
Maybe you haven't lived with someone who doesn't express emotion but the atmosphere can be pretty hostile, and then they are as nice as pie and you feel cheated.
Honestly, it can drive you mad.

Is there though? because there has been no further explanation.

I am no stranger to passive aggressive behavior - my ex used to stonewall me for days while the bills went unpaid, so maybe this isn't even blipping my radar and really ironing when your wife would rather you didn't is really bad, but I honestly cann't see the huge huge fuss.

To the OP .... go out. Leave him flouncing and huffing around the house on his own. Buy him some rubber gloves if you're feeling really cheeky, and present them to him blithely.

That's the thing - I have lived with someone much much worse than this, but at some point you have to take responsibility for your own reactions.

Yes, I agree, you have to control your reactions but is it really that easy to diffuse your anger each time this happens?

TBGP - yes i would post the same if it was a man, why wouldn't i? No i don't have a hang up about couselling, your comment about the op going for counselling wasn't written in a "could you benefit from some help" kind of way, you were being catty.

Yes it is ok to be furious with someone behaving like this when there is a long history of it and you know what the outcome is going to be of all the warning signs.

Each time what happens - each time she gets up to a clean house and no pots to do?

Yes it is that easy to diffuse your anger. Go out and don't watch. let him finish the housework and revel in the lack of housework you have to do that day. Thank him warmly, even if you are fuming inwardly.

NFO - I was NOT being catty. I have been for anger management counseling myself. I would never hesitate to suggest it to someone.

part of learning to control reactions like "shaking with fury" is about learning to place blame where blame should be, and responsibility where responsibility should be. Obviously he wants her to 'notice' how hard he is working - and feel guilty. So refuse to feel guilty. Be pleased instead. Separate his cleaning actions from his stonewalling (I am guessing he does this because PA men often do). thank him for the cleaning. tell him you are not happy with being ignored, and no amount of ironing will change that.

if you can change it, change it. If you can't change it, accept it or get away from it - because all else will drive you to ruin, as it nearly did me.

the only thing that is under the OPs power is her own reaction - and if, as she says, he is doing it purely for her reaction, then changing her reaction could change the whole pattern.

then i clearly got the wrong impression from your posts TBGP. Apologies.

is not problem

DP does this, when he is annoyed he starts cleaning everything, more thoroughly than normal.

I used to get really het up and sit around expecting an argument, but then I realised he was just trying to work out whatever he was angry about without arguing and if an argument did happen it was down to me. If I just let him get on with it (like you do a child in a strop) he would chill out.

Now if he is doing it I join him I'll say 'Oh, if you're doing X I'll do Y and then we can do something nice later once it's done'.

I'd be much more worried about sleeping on the sofa tbh, especially as it seems it was in no relation to you but his DD? But then again I would probably have come down and asked him to come to bed if he hadn't come up.

DON'T let it be controlling.

If you sit about, huffing and sighing about how dreadfully passive aggressive he's being, he'll be passive aggressive. If you say thank you for what he's doing and refuse to be drawn into reading more into it, there won't be any more in it.

As for waiting for the explosion, if and when it does come, there are ways to take the heat out of that too. Do not engage. If he behaves like a toddler, withdraw from the situation, with dignity.

Most couples usually have the opposite to deal with. My ex used to eat, leave all the stuff out, crumbs all over the place, sit on the computer for hours, totally disconnected from whole household and its members, not want to do anything constructive... whats worse? We all have our 'patterns' otherwise how would we recognise how to anticipate them.
Usually with us, the row would start with the messy kitchen and roll into the real reason for his anger at me kids or whatever... (either way is no good) but at least your ironing gets done...(note, I said 'EX')...
I could never get my head round this 'sequence of events' but I think you'll find most couples have them and find a way of pre-empting the 'results'...

My Dh is like this, whenever we have an issue, he will throw himself franticaaly into chores.

It is a way of dismissing the issue.

Pretending it is a non issue.

Taking control by ignoring it.

If you just say 'thanks for all the chores, let do sometjng nice' like some are suggesting, then the issue has been sidlined, no progress made, no understanding reached and you have been prevented from explaining and articulating your feelings and feel you are not being heard.

The fact they do nice things makes it even hrader,as just as you have all fallen into the trap of on this thread, the response then is, 'what's the probelm, I'm only doing the ironing to help you out'

No ,you're not, you're doing the ironing becuase you don't want to address this issue, you don't want to hear what I have to say, you are refusing to acknowleedge my feelings, you want to proceed like those feelings do not exist, you are cutting off my need to emotionally express myself in this relationship.

TBFGP et al you are showing very little understanding of passive aggresive beahviour. It controls and limits others expression.

But the issue has nothing to do with the OP, he was annoyed at not being able to get hold of his DD.