Need opinions on my relationship please, I'm in a rut I can't get out of

[WhatsupDoc]

Hi,

I'm a namechanger, because my MN nickname makes it obvious who I am in RL (sorry)

I haven't shared this with anyone before, and it's taken a long time to pluck up the courage to post this.

Me and DP have been together 8 years. We have 2 DC, 2yrs and a newborn. We split up a few years ago (my instigation) but got back together and decided to have DC.

He is my second long term relationship; prior to that I was engaged to someone I still consider to be the love of my life (very ashamed to write that!) but we seperated (my reluctant decision) because he was on the brink of a career which would take him all round the world whereas I wanted to settle down.

DP is a lovely, kind, gentle guy. Helpful around the house, hates conflict, puts up with alot from me. Wants me to be happy. However, he is a very quiet soul and is a really poor communicator. He is very introverted (opposite to me), and is not a deep thinker. He also has the tendancy to get very depressed and stressed (not clinically depressed, but generally he is not a cheerful person, swears alot when things go wrong and is very miserable).

We were always very different, but at the time we had a shared interest and I found him quirky and unusual. Now 8 years on I find myself with someone I feel I don't connect with on any level, really. Don't share the same sense of humour, the same drive, we don't talk or communicate (well I talk at him!) We share the same house but he feels more like a housemate than a lover/life partner.

I question our relationship all the time (daily) and tend to break down infront of him on average twice a week. Usually caused by a lack of communication about something trivial, but because I have such doubts about our relationship these issues are never far from the surface. I talk about leaving, how unhappy I think we are, blame myself constantly (because I don't think it's his fault - we are just two very different people, and I knew this when we got back together). He struggles with my outbursts, tells me everything's fine, that he doesn't know what to do, and if I want to move (we're living at the opposite end of the country to my home) then that's fine. Basically I am the only one really conscious or concerned about our lack of connection - he doesn't really understand what all the fuss is about and just wants me to be happy.

There's lots more to it than that (isn't there always!) but those are the big issues. I guess my question is, should I try harder to be content with what I've got (this is what I feel I should do, but for some reason I've not been able to). I compare us to other people's relationships constantly, and can't help but wonder what it would be like to look at my partner and feel in my heart that we were made for eachother and would be together forever.

Really struggling for some perspective.

Thanks for reading if you've got this far.

xx

[ProfessorGrammaticus]

Is confidence building about holding your tongue and praising more? (I'm not great at this, tbh, I'm a bit of a nag.) I think a good aim would be to praise ten times for every time you criticise. I keep meaning to put it into practice...

I just think there must be nothing more demoralising than knowing your DW/DP doesn't think you're up to much.

[QueenEagle]

I read your post about your dh and wondered if he is mildly autistic? I think the same of mine btw. It would explain his lack of communication, lack of connection with people and his strange obsession with putting things in jars!

[rumple]

I feel for you. In a previous relationship where marriage was talked about, I knew I just couldn't commit. I would think to myself if Mr Fantastic walked by I know I'd follow. That should have been my que to end it, took my now husband . With my husband I never worry about being swayed, I've got exactly what I want in a partner. Someone who totally gets me. And I have to say found real happiness. I would love to advise that you to make the best of it but ultimately as I've been reading through all these postings and my gut keeps saying life's too short. As someone once said to me, every day you're with the wrong person is another day you might be missing the right person.
Having said all this my breakup was pre-children and that was upsetting enough (he was a good friend) while I realise you do have children and that does makes any decision that much harder. Maybe picture self 2 years down the line seperated not with your ex or anyone else. You're single but now free to pursue other relationships and imagine how it would work and how you would feel, skip out the break up part as it would inevitably be horrid imagine that all done and dusted. If it instantly fills you with horror, then don't do it. Feel bad as I'm coming across like I'm advocating breaking up a family but ultimately what ever anyone tells you to do only you can judge it. Good luck and don't be too hard on your self.

[MrsMacaroon]

it seems obvious really.

doesn't mean it's easy though but sometimes you have to make horrible decisions...

it seems quite cruel to focus on his negative points when they're not really the issue.

his self confidence would improve by having someone who loves him totally.