Need opinions on my relationship please, I'm in a rut I can't get out of

[WhatsupDoc]

Hi,

I'm a namechanger, because my MN nickname makes it obvious who I am in RL (sorry)

I haven't shared this with anyone before, and it's taken a long time to pluck up the courage to post this.

Me and DP have been together 8 years. We have 2 DC, 2yrs and a newborn. We split up a few years ago (my instigation) but got back together and decided to have DC.

He is my second long term relationship; prior to that I was engaged to someone I still consider to be the love of my life (very ashamed to write that!) but we seperated (my reluctant decision) because he was on the brink of a career which would take him all round the world whereas I wanted to settle down.

DP is a lovely, kind, gentle guy. Helpful around the house, hates conflict, puts up with alot from me. Wants me to be happy. However, he is a very quiet soul and is a really poor communicator. He is very introverted (opposite to me), and is not a deep thinker. He also has the tendancy to get very depressed and stressed (not clinically depressed, but generally he is not a cheerful person, swears alot when things go wrong and is very miserable).

We were always very different, but at the time we had a shared interest and I found him quirky and unusual. Now 8 years on I find myself with someone I feel I don't connect with on any level, really. Don't share the same sense of humour, the same drive, we don't talk or communicate (well I talk at him!) We share the same house but he feels more like a housemate than a lover/life partner.

I question our relationship all the time (daily) and tend to break down infront of him on average twice a week. Usually caused by a lack of communication about something trivial, but because I have such doubts about our relationship these issues are never far from the surface. I talk about leaving, how unhappy I think we are, blame myself constantly (because I don't think it's his fault - we are just two very different people, and I knew this when we got back together). He struggles with my outbursts, tells me everything's fine, that he doesn't know what to do, and if I want to move (we're living at the opposite end of the country to my home) then that's fine. Basically I am the only one really conscious or concerned about our lack of connection - he doesn't really understand what all the fuss is about and just wants me to be happy.

There's lots more to it than that (isn't there always!) but those are the big issues. I guess my question is, should I try harder to be content with what I've got (this is what I feel I should do, but for some reason I've not been able to). I compare us to other people's relationships constantly, and can't help but wonder what it would be like to look at my partner and feel in my heart that we were made for eachother and would be together forever.

Really struggling for some perspective.

Thanks for reading if you've got this far.

xx

[thumbwitch]

lordy, I said intellectual stimulation, not schoolboy slanging politics! There are lots of other things you could get into, depending on your background. What interests you?

[Cosmo74]

I really feel for you but just remember the grass is always greener and if you would have moved heaven and earth for him how come you decided to end it just cause his thoughts on children at the time. Just remember how tou felt when you first met him and I bet you were relieved that you found someone better after you ex!!??

Hope you both sort it out - maybe hubby is feeling low in confidence since you are talking about your ex??

[superflybaby]

WUD I went to raid the fridge last night after posting and forgot to come back. You have had some excellent advice from people, I'm taking some of it on board!

I just wanted to say that 3 years ago I had a friendship with a guy that I developed really strong feelings for. We talked and talked, face to face but also on IM & on email. I found the IM & email chat the most toxic to my relationship with DP. You can read into the text anyway you want it often makes you think the other person is on 'your wavelength' when really it is just you feeling relieved to have someone to open up & talk to.

Knock it on the head NOW. Your ex is being unfair & is the root of your unhappiness with your Partner.

It took me over 2 YEARS to wean myself off the friendship with this other guy and it was hard, even now I still think of him but I know it is just fantasy land.

I am in a strange place where I live with DP, I love DP, I find him physically attractive etc... but I could live without him if I had to. He goes away for a week, I don't miss him, I don't worry what he is up to. I wonder if that is trust or whether I just don't care enough anymore.

God I could go on & on, sorry. I'm not looking to hijack your thread, just wanted to let you know you are not on your own. Not every couple out there have found eternal happiness with each other.

[thumbwitch]

SFB - my DH is Australian and for 3 years of our relationship, before we married, he was gong back to Australia twice a year for a few months to go to Uni (as a mature student). Every time he went back, it took 2 weeks for me to miss him.
I have a friend whose husband is in the Army - she says it takes her about 2 weeks as well.
So I wouldn't necessarily take the week away as being a barometer for how much you would or would not miss him if he were gone for good!

[superflybaby]

I know thumbwitch, a week is not long, but the odd thing is I look forward to him going & enjoy him being away. I don't get up to anything while he is gone, I just love having the house to myself & I find comfort in how well I handle things when he is not around. I'm like a different (better) person when I am on my own.

He asks if I missed him & I lightheartedly say no, but he knows i am being serious. I don't ask if he missed me but he tells me he did anyway.

[WhatsupDoc]

SFB - that sounds alot like our relationship! I'm not possessive and neither is he. I like to think it's a sign of a mature relationship rather than anything sinister. During our split we both dated other people; I went out with a guy who was unbelievably possessive and jealous, (said that I only enjoyed dancing because I loved the attention of men and enjoyed having my ego stroked by dancing with them!) that was part of the reason I went back to DP, thought jesus, if all men are like that I'm better off where I was!!

Part of the problem too is that although I still fancy him, since we've been living up North I've watched him become slowly emasculated (is that the right word?) he has a very very matriachal mother, seems incapable making decisions for himself, has no drive or ambition. I really want to get out of the shadow of his family and watch him come alive again.

Your comment about misinterpreting having someone to open up to as being on the same wavelength is bang on too. In fact, ex has always been a great listener, and I know he performs the same role for a lot of his female friends - he's a fantastic shoulder to cry on but then they see him as more of a brother than as relationship figure.

Anyway, now need to start focusing on other stuff. We went to see Mama Mia this week and I now have a burning desire to join a musical theatrical company

[WhatsupDoc]

Cosmo he (the ex) was at uni at the time, he went back as a mature student. I finished uni the year he went back. He had plans to do a masters and then work overseas. We'd got to the point where his uni life totally absorbed him (he was president of the SU for 2 years and it dominated his life) and I was literally sat waiting around for him to fit me in.

The final straw was when I sat him down and told him we needed to do more stuff togethre, that I was fed up of being pushed out. His words were 'I can see you one thursday evening a week and maybe every other sunday'. At that point I told him it wasn't enough, and it was over.

[madamez]

WhatsupDoc, you know, the answer really is in finding more good stuff to do, not in 'relationships'. Your DP sounds perfectly all right, and if you are still having sex often enough to stop whichever of you has the higher libido being frantic for more, then it's OK: no other relationship will improve your life any more. The ex sounds like another of these romantic wusses who only wants what he can't have and would soon be off wafting after someone else once you were living with him and rowing about whose turn it was to put the bin out, so I shouldn't bother about him. Actually, what might help both you and your DP is to socialise with a few more other people, in groups. Make use of matriarchal MIL by getting some babysitting out of her. Find stuff to do rather than having nothing to occupy your mind but thoughts of Soulmates or Twue Luv (which is a con and a waste of time anyway).

[WhatsupDoc]

Twue luv??

[superflybaby]

Yep, I spy some positive comments about partner;
you still fancy him - essential in my book
you want to watch him come alive again - so he was alive once? sounds promising

Love that idea about putting MIL to good use.

I'm luck I don't have a MIL but I do have 2 clucky SIL to contend with.

What is your plan of action now? no running off to join the circus Theatrical Musical Group before you sort this dilema!

[superflybaby]

you can tell I never studied Drama!
Musical Theatrical Company if that's the correct term

[daringdoris]

My word, I too could have written your post, in fact when trying to get to sleep last night was trying to work out what I would say if I was to ask for advice on MN!(I do that quite often though, but never actually get round to it). I know exactly what you mean about wanting to get some perspective too, sometimes you feel like it's been going round and round in your head for so long you just can't see what's reasonable any more.
My DP seems remakably like yours: poor communicator, not a deep thinker, overshadowed by his family, swears when things go wrong... Like you, I talk at him, feel we're very different, hear a voice telling me I'll never be happy...
You've had some great advice (what's NLP, btw, sounds v interesting), but reading it, from my point of view anyway, people seem to be missing something: the emotional/spiritual/intellectual thing. You suggest reading, films, discussing the news etc - what if your DP doesn't read, only watches comedy, doesn't have an opinion on anything?
Also like you I'm far from home, and sometimes when we argue DP suggests moving.
Anyway, I've now written too much , just wanted you to know that you are not alone, there are lots of couples out there who aren't perfect, the difficulty lies in what to do about it.
xx

[daringdoris]

For me, what I would love, is for someone to help me see clearly whether what I have with DP is worth saving, or whether we'll never relly connect properly, and in that case I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with him. How does one go about analysing this? (Am going to try Madamez's suggestion re imagining him cheating.)

[daringdoris]

really

[WhatsupDoc]

DD - thanks for your post. I thought I was the only person who felt like I did, but your situation echoes mine exactly!

My DP also doesn't read, we don't share the same sense of humour; we're totally different people who on top of everything, can't communicate with eachother.

I think what I've taken away from all these posts is a. the need to focus on my own happiness rather than rely on my relationship to define who I am; b. stop searching for perfection and romanticising and c. focus on the good stuff, rather than picking holes in the bad. Oh, and d., ditch the ex!

I can't get away from the fact that I don't think our relationship is a meeting of minds and I think with hindsight I should have had the courage to stay split from him, but at the end of the day there's an awful lot of good in our relationship and maybe if I change my attitude towards it I can rediscover some of the fun we used to have!

The advice on here has been fantastic and so helpful. It's been such a relief to share it with someone. I only wish I'd done it sooner!

[daringdoris]

Oh no WhatsupDoc, hope I haven't killed your thread. What do you think you'll do now?

Something I've been thinking about: do you think he's a good role model for your children?

[WhatsupDoc]

You're alright DD! What stage are you at? Do you want to move home?

RE role model for children.. I always thought he would make a great dad. He's never been career oriented and I thought having a family would be the making of him, but although he's generally great with them, I really do struggle with the streak of depression he has and I don't want DC to pick up on it (I'm one of the keep smiling and carry on brigade, even if you've had a shit day/kids are screaming/etc etc) He still mopes around, every now and then says stuff like 'what's the point in life' etc, which really bothers me.

The other thing I think is that although he's great interacting with little kids (not afraid of looking like an arse, loves playing with them etc.) I wonder how he'll relate to them when they're older; that they will find him emotionally cold as I do. That also reflects my own experience - my dad was great with us as kids, but as we got older he didn't know how to relate to us and consequently became very authoritarian and now none of his children want to be anywhere near him.

Do you think yours is a good role model? Reading some of these posts I feel I should count myself lucky that I'm not being emotionally/physically abused - some people seem to have it so tough, I don't know what I'm complaining about half the time. not having a soulmate seems like a really crap complaint.

[daringdoris]

Oops, hadn't seen your 20:42 post!

It's really difficult when you feel you haven't got anything in common, and that you're never likely to, but on the other hand, your're absolutely right that our situations aren't anything like some on this board, and that we have got good stuff to focus on.

Mine too is pretty good at interacting with little kids, but I don't know what he'll be like with older ones. (We have 1 DS, 16 months) I think it's the not being interested in things aspect that worries me, never reading, never having an opinion on anything. It sounds like a really petty complaint compared to some peoples problems, but I think it's important for kids to see their parents being interested in things, discussing things, knowing about things.

I know my parents likes and interests had/have an effect on me: music, literature, food...

As for moving, it's someting we've always talked about, if in a somewhat abstract manner. I think I'd quite like to, but it would completely change our lives, more than I think he realises - DP is French and we're living in France.

[WhatsupDoc]

Is there a language barrier that makes things worse? Why would moving change your lives so much? Ahh, I would love to live in another country for a while, it must broaden your outlook completely. I love France

Parents need to know about stuff indeed! My dad reads all the time, so I have huge respect for his intellect, even if his social skills are sadly lacking. My mum is also very intelligent, even though she'd be the last person to admit it. All DP does is watch Big Brother, Holby City and endless episodes of Police, Camera, Action! Plus he's in a really shite job too, spent years unemployed. That's our problem re moving - the chances of him finding another job are practically zero

I would love to run my own business, but haven't a clue what doing. That's after I've joined the theatrical musical company and become the next Meryl Streep, of course

Oops I think I've just hijacked my own thread lol

[daringdoris]

I came to live here, my French is fluent, I have my own friends over here, met before DP.

If (when?) we move back to the UK, he would be pretty dependent on me, his Englisn isn't that hot, don't know what job he could do...

Broadening his outlook is one of the main reasons we'd do it - he's only moved 20 miles down the road.

I don't know if it would make things worse or better.

[WhatsupDoc]

Would it make him happier do you think?

I think getting DP away from his family would make him stronger and us more independent as a family unit, but in my heart I wonder whether it would just transfer our problems.

Would definitely make me happier to be back in the south west though. And if you feel your heart is in France...

How does the saying go - if you can't decide what to do, do nothing!

[girlnextdoor]

I have no advice-only to say that what you have written could have been written by me too. My DH does not have depression though. But everything about the lack of connection, the ex etc etc- yes.

BUT i am much further down the line- been together 3x as long as you have.

I don't know if I have left it too late to begin again, as the finances are a factor- never worked full time since DCs born etc.

If I WAS to offer advice, it would be to get out- otherwise you will only feel frustrated all your life. I feel I am not a good enough wife and although DH loves me, the feelings between us are unequal.

[ToughDaddy]

WhatsupDoc- you sound like a really fun person full of life. This is great; you shouldn't ever allow yourself to lose all of this quality. However, a little part of me is wondering if you don't need to move on to the next phase in your life. That is look back at the past with fondness but enjoy the present and the future. Are you transferring your sense of fun to the kids? Sounds as though you have the spark to light a whole village so if you applied that to your family you would all be glowing.

The Ex who now recognises his mistakes could for example just be:
i)after an ego trip; "I can always get them back"; "They always want more"

ii)looking for a romp for old time sake

On the other hand he could be a great guy who missed his slot but tough. Just let him wish! and move on. Enjoy the now; otherwise, I suspect you will REALLY regret this phase.

[ToughDaddy]

If you want to reminisce, why not put on some Ella or whatever grab the kids and dance to the blues; close your eyes and remember the old times. The kids will love it and they will learn to dance as well.

[daringdoris]

I reckon we'll do it one day - not sure I want DS going to school in France!
I don't really know how he'd be, away from family, friends, and all the things that have always surrounded him - and not just for a holiday.

Thankyou for posting, I've been reading MN regularly since I was pregnant, and got loads of advice from other people's threads about childbirth, sleeping, feeding, you name it...your OP moved me to post for only the 2nd time in 2 years as it seemed so similar to my situation.

I think you've been given some great advice(maybe you'll get some more!), which I too shall try to take.
Goodnight xx
(shall post more tomorrow if I have any insightful thoughts!)