Need opinions on my relationship please, I'm in a rut I can't get out of

[WhatsupDoc]

Hi,

I'm a namechanger, because my MN nickname makes it obvious who I am in RL (sorry)

I haven't shared this with anyone before, and it's taken a long time to pluck up the courage to post this.

Me and DP have been together 8 years. We have 2 DC, 2yrs and a newborn. We split up a few years ago (my instigation) but got back together and decided to have DC.

He is my second long term relationship; prior to that I was engaged to someone I still consider to be the love of my life (very ashamed to write that!) but we seperated (my reluctant decision) because he was on the brink of a career which would take him all round the world whereas I wanted to settle down.

DP is a lovely, kind, gentle guy. Helpful around the house, hates conflict, puts up with alot from me. Wants me to be happy. However, he is a very quiet soul and is a really poor communicator. He is very introverted (opposite to me), and is not a deep thinker. He also has the tendancy to get very depressed and stressed (not clinically depressed, but generally he is not a cheerful person, swears alot when things go wrong and is very miserable).

We were always very different, but at the time we had a shared interest and I found him quirky and unusual. Now 8 years on I find myself with someone I feel I don't connect with on any level, really. Don't share the same sense of humour, the same drive, we don't talk or communicate (well I talk at him!) We share the same house but he feels more like a housemate than a lover/life partner.

I question our relationship all the time (daily) and tend to break down infront of him on average twice a week. Usually caused by a lack of communication about something trivial, but because I have such doubts about our relationship these issues are never far from the surface. I talk about leaving, how unhappy I think we are, blame myself constantly (because I don't think it's his fault - we are just two very different people, and I knew this when we got back together). He struggles with my outbursts, tells me everything's fine, that he doesn't know what to do, and if I want to move (we're living at the opposite end of the country to my home) then that's fine. Basically I am the only one really conscious or concerned about our lack of connection - he doesn't really understand what all the fuss is about and just wants me to be happy.

There's lots more to it than that (isn't there always!) but those are the big issues. I guess my question is, should I try harder to be content with what I've got (this is what I feel I should do, but for some reason I've not been able to). I compare us to other people's relationships constantly, and can't help but wonder what it would be like to look at my partner and feel in my heart that we were made for eachother and would be together forever.

Really struggling for some perspective.

Thanks for reading if you've got this far.

xx

Daring Doris - NLP is neuro-linguistc programming. I facetiously call it "brainwashing" - as in you clean the brain of the crap that is negatively affecting your life and put in some shiny new strategies that will help you to get what you want out of life. it is not a "quick fix" - but it isn't counselling either. It sort of bypasses the long drawn outness of counselling by cutting through all the conscious barriers that we have in our heads and going straight to the unconscious root causes of our perceived problems.

One of the huge benefits of NLP is that it DOES help you to sort out what is important to you, and to then decide what you want to do about it. A good practitioner will always check that the change you think you want to make will have the benefits you want to gain and won't leave you somewhere you don't want to be.

HTH

ToughDaddy - I think I love you.

What a kind thing to say. You've made my day!

WhatupDoc- cheers

Seriously, nothing like grabbing the present otherwise you will always be looking back with regret. When you are 60 then say: great 10 years before I am 70, and I am still healthy and all the good things that I can enjoy right now. Isn't it great that your hubby isn't the jealous or even abusive type. Just keep looking for the positive in every situation.

And god, if you need to flirt a bit to feel alive, then fine but just stay in control, and don't lose your head! Maybe, just maybe you can't get all your emotional needs from one person?

So, ToughDaddy, you mean that in WhatsupDoc's situation, she would look elsewhere to fulfill the emotional needs not met by her DP? Like, having deep and meaningful conversations with a mate, talking politics with her family..? That kind of thing?

Exactly DD, I have been cogitating about this all afternoon (over a scone and a nice cup of tea - always conducive to a quick cogitate I find!) I feel like I'm getting conflicting messages, on the one hand accept and enjoy what I have, whereas many others warning me to move on. Do I leave, or don't I?

One thing is clear: I need to focus on my own happiness (and by that I don't mean to the exclusion of DP & DC). For me, a large part of the problem is that I feel I have yet to find my sense of self - drifted along since uni in jobs I hate, but unable to decide what path I want to go down next. Social stimulation is a big factor too. I don't have a 'best mate' - a few close friends, yes, but no-one I really connect with. I haven't confided to anyone in RL about my relationship problems.

Am waffling now. Still thinking about TD's comment about lighting up a village (beam ). Although a previous poster thought I sounded depressed... [answers on a postcard please
Time for more tea methinks!

Also agree with TD - I am in danger of wasting these precious years with DC if I don't get out of this rut.

This thread is helping a lot though.

You sounded as though you were feeling supressed but not depressed. I guessed that having fun is very important for you and that you wouldn't last too long as a solicitor/accountant (no offense some of my dearest ones have taken up these noble professions and I have had close shaves myself).

Why do you have to leave? Why can't your ex just be a friend or someone that you flirt with in cyber-space for fun until the phase passes. You will value what you have over ex at some point so hang in there, I think.

In the meantime just sing out loud in the shower, dance in the sitting room with the air guitar; entertain the kids, lift the mood, ride the blues; wallow in the melanchony- "I will survive", "it should have been me" and all that.

DaringD- yes I agree with above

LOL toughDaddy, soliciting is one of the professions I have flirted with on many occasions

Not accountancy though - I still count on my fingers

WUPD, was what you had with the ex really as good as it seems to you now? Thursdays and every other Sunday? Was he really the be all and end all that he seems now?

The grass always seems greener and I'm wondering whether some if this could be fantasy. Sorry is I'm out of line, I've read half the thread but only skimmed the second half.

Professor - I never questioned my love for my ex. We just clicked and I knew I wanted him to be part of my future.

Whereas I remember reassuring my close friend at the time, who expressed concerns at me pairing up with DP, with the words "don't worry, I'm not like I'm going to end up marrying him or anything". It was just meant to be a summer fling, we were opposites from the start.

That doesn't sound too healthy, does it?

perhaps couple counselling could help you understand him more and help him communicate.. good luck

Girlnextdoor I will probably be you in the future. I basically don't want to face up to the fact my DP is not the one for me. I have felt this even from the start of our relationship,but kept on going for various different reasons...

1. I fancied the pants off him to begin with
2. It was quite hard convincing my family to accept him, even as a casual thing (he's 10 yrs older than me with 2 kids & I was only just 20 when we got together) Almost fell out with my Dad over it
3. I became a big part of his young kids lives quite early on & felt responsible for them.
4. My parents gave me a large sum of money to help start up a home with him (they hated me renting)
5. I became pregnant & I was the one to insist having the baby was the right thing to do. He didn't want it to begin with!
6. Now we have a DC together & I know we must stay together. I have seen first hand how horrible & distressing weekend visiting arrangements can be. Mainly I don't want him to get together with some other woman and my DD then having another Mum, albiet a part-time Mum.

It feels like I made my bed, I must lie in it. God, that sounds awful! He's actually a really loving DP & we can get on, but we are not on the same level in many ways.

For these reasons I will make it work, damn it! I look at it like he's not the one for me but he's the one I chose.

Am I a just a big wuss?

SFB - I sympathise with you. Countless times I've told myself the same thing (made bed must lie in it!) Remind myself about arranged marriages and how people had it in the olden days and just got on with things, and that I analyse things too much.

The most important thing everyone tells me, is communication. So here is a squeaky clean, brand new example of our inability to communicate (happened 5 mins ago)

DP looks up from laptop, where he has been studying the photos he took of DC tonight (photography is his hobby. he's in a dead end job and doesn't enjoy it). DP states 'oh, i don't know, I think I should be doing something with photography, or technology or something'.

WUD ears prick up - DP is expressing an opinion! This never happens. WUD thinks carefully about how to nurture this seed of conversation. "What sort of thing do you think you'd enjoy?"

DP: silence. Taps away at laptop, huffing over inability to take a good photo of newborn. WUD waits. Eventually she says "Working with photography or videoediting maybe? What sort of things could you do?"

DP mumbles 'dunno'. Returns to laptop. Silence. WUD considers how to proceed. Decides to rephrase question and poke gently for response. To which DP snaps "Why do you always expect an answer from me?" WUD replies, in what she hopes is a hopefully kind manner "You just said you'd like to do something, and I was interested to find out what you're thinking". DP: silence. WUD (eventually, and gently) "I was just trying to have a conversation with you". DP: "I wish you'd stop pestering me all the time".

for you too WUD - but also wondering if perhaps your DP was comparing this to previous encounters - do you have a tendency to "jump" on any ideas he comes up with and want more detail than he is perhaps prepared to think about? I just had this feeling, probably completely wrong, that you might have got enthusiastic too early for him and he got scared, having just thrown a random thought out into the ether...

OTOH, he does also sound a bit like a sulky teenager who just doesn't like to be challenged.

Perhaps you should both try life coaching/ NLP - he could maybe find a way to discover what he wants from a job and life as well.

Maybe TW.. although I try really hard not to 'jump on him'. I'm just taken aback when he does say something unprompted, and to be honest, really thrilled when he does.

I miss someone to talk to. It's a lot of effort for not very much results.

And it's not just me he's like this with btw, he never says anything to anyone, and whenever we are out socially, even with close friends, it's other people who have to lead the conversation with him, although he will respond.

As one of our close friends put it once: nurturing a conversation out of [DP} is like coaxing a shy small child out of a cave.

Off for a bath now. Will drown my sorrows in bubbles

WUD your question scared him! I think it might have been too direct!

You should have stayed calm, even in the face of an opinion and in a sorry-what-was-that-my-lovely? voice, looked at the pictures on his laptop & made a nice compliment about a photo, then gone back to what he said with a touch of disinterest... give him an opportunity to elaborate.

Or I could be flogging a dead horse? Is he really really impossible?

Arrgh I am trying to be positive, but this is a really hard one!

well, at least you are having social contact of a sort on MN! Not the same, I know but maybe you will find someone local to you on here that you can meet up with and have great convos with.

Your DP needs to get himself some confidence - and, without wishing to knock you in any way, I don't think you are helping him much with that at the moment.

I feel for you, I really do - I spent 11 years with the wrong guy because I was scared of being on my own (thank GOD we never had kids) and I was lucky (although it didn't feel like it at the time!) that he left me before we got married. But - I had a completely clean start and have never had to see him again - you wouldn't have that option if you do decide to end it. Sorry, rambling a bit here, I don't believe you should end it - I think you have some work to do to make it more of an acceptable situation for the both of you, but I believe you can manage it.

Hope your bath helps!
{{hugs}}

I agree with what TW says about helping him with his confidence. If he is suffering with depression or a related issue he will need support and like it or not, if you choose to stay with him, it will be your job to provide it.

btw I am very of baths being taken at this time of night. My house is so small & my bathroom is upstairs next to DD's bedroom, if I so much as turn the tap on to brush my teeth in there she wakes, sits bolt upright in her cot & starts calling 'Mummy Cuggle? Mummy Cuggle!' Joy.

SFB - ah bless her, you know you love it really!

I might grow to love it if she moves onto
'Daddy Cuggle? No Mummy (you go back to bed) Daddy Cuggle!'
what are my chances?

LOL SFB!

I also agree about nurturing DP's self confidence, I've thought many a time that if only mine was more confident he'd come across completely differently at times. My DP is aware that he lacks confidence, but I think he thinks thats it, he's stuck like that, he can't change.

There's also a vicious circle aspect to it, DP does/says something that reminds you once again of your 'incompatibility', which makes you completely uninclined to behave towards him in a way which would nurture his confidence etc...well, that's what happens in our house anyway!

This would also work the other way though wouldn't it? You boost DP's confidence, he feels better, pleasantly surprises you with opinions/conversations, you feel better about him...am I being too optimistic?

Now, ways of building our DP's confidence...

DD, I could have written your last post myself. That's exactly my situation.

Only DP doesn't seem to want to change things. He gets depressed about his lack of self-confidence, I have tried lots of tactics to try to help, but the next day he seems to have forgotten about it.

I find that difficult because I am quite proactive, tend to act quickly once I've made up my mind, and like to solve things by talking.

RE how to improve their self confidence - that's why I was so pleased he'd mentioned the photography. It's his hobby, and he's great at it. He's also a total computer geek, and great at that too, but he says he doesn't know how to take things forward. I read that as too difficult to take forward, so he won't try. He doesn't seem interested in any of my solutions. I would love to help, but it gets demoralising when people won't help themselves, and just seem to want to moan about it!

What does your DP do? Does he have any hobbies you could encourage?

Good grief, doesn't it sound like nurturing a young child rather than an adult