Sex is the only thing doesn't work for us....

[pulsar]

We are the ideal couple (almost). Virtually everything else works for us. We are lucky to have wonderful DC, both very successful in our careers, attractive, supportive, healthy and both considerate to each other etc etc. Only problem is that DP is happy with say "once a month" and "once per day" is my ideal but I would happily live with say 2/3 times per week. Have talked it through several times. Seems insoluable and discussion sometimes leads to argument. I sometimes think that DP wouldn't mind if I discreetly satisfied my desire on the side but DP would never say so. Don't want to hurt anyone but deep unfulfiled desire burns Any advice?

...sorry about name change

It is a difficult issue to broach.
I have this with my DH. My talking about it got him thinking I was having an affair (I'm not). He almost walked out because he read too much between the lines.

After many tears on both sides he agreed to give me a bit more attention.

It still isn't enough for me but it's more than it was.

It used to be the other way round when the dcs were smaller. Now I've got my energy/drive back his has gone! Can't win.

I do sympathise. It is something that needs sorting out though. He needs to know how it makes you feel (not that you feel like being satisfied elsewhere).

Easier said that done but have you tried having a 'date' with eachother every so often? Go out for a meal and chat without little ones around, not in the house. Make time for yourselves.

Sorry not much help.

Hope you get it sorted.

xx

PeopleM and 3catstoo- it is good to hear from people in the same situation. I just feel like I am nagging and people could get defensive and feel that it is a blame game however you put it. I will try the dating thing as it is a good idea.

I agree with all the posts that say that improving relationship and lowering stress does help.

PS there are some primates that mate VERY frequently; the effect is that there is very little group conflict unlike other primates that mate less frequently. Just thought that I should share this random fact with you.

lol; I mate very frequently, but I also always seem to be amidst conflict, so I guess I'm not a primate

I hope you're going to keep this thread updated. Partly because I'm nosey and hate half a story , but also because you strike a real chord with me in what you say and the way you say it

assuming that you are a bloke (altho' I am struck by the number of women who relate to your situation) check this out:
women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/relationships/article4345725.ece

why does everyone assume the o/p is a man?

i'm a woman going through the same thing. DP seems to be tired all the time... i know he works incredibly hard and also helps out loads with dd.. but still. He falls asleep on the sofa most evenings.

Good point. I am sure that both men and women can relate to this situation.

I am always suggesting to people that they play sport/exercise together as a couple. Can vitalise in so many ways. The man's age is probably an issue as we hear of performance falling off in the 40's/50's. Ofcourse I wouldn't know .

"There's nothing worse than a partner cuddling up to you because you know that they want sex."

God that's so true! Totally off-putting.

Sorry. Not helpful I know.

We've been there on and off for years. I switched off from sex since the birth of my first child 11yrs ago with occassional reawakening of interest. We still have sex regularly and it's OK but I'd still rather not bother. We cope. We show each other love in other ways. No it's not ideal but there doesn't seem to be another solution.

I have a great deal of sympathy for you Pulsar. My DH and I went for 10 years without! There were a few health problems but tbh, mostly because we just got out of the habit! Finally, earlier this year I said I could no longer live like that and wasnted us to make a real effort to get things back how they had been years ago. Thankfully, DH also wanted to try and I think I can honestly say that we are now at least back to where we used to be, if not more active iyswim! It hasn't been plain sailing all the way and there were some moments when we both wondered if we would get there. But, we both love each other deeply and really wanted it to work. We were both aware that if it didn't, we could probably not have survived as a couple and we desperately wanted to stay together. Like you, I would like 1 or 2 times a day, whereas he is a couple of times a week man. We compromise, maybe we 'do the deed' 3 or 4 times a week, but we also indulge in other ways several times a week. We don't always wait till bedtime as we both get tired, but I appreciate that may not be easy if you have young children. Ours are teenagers and so often out, plus they tend to sleep in late at weekends! Staying in bed late at weekends is real fun! Anyway, I guess what I am trying to say is that you CAN sort this out, but it won't be easy and you both have to want to. You sound very considerate and genuinely in love with your DP so I hope it goes well for you.

Wow, how amazing to discover this thread and realise I am not alone. I adore my husband, he's a fantastic guy and a great father to our little girl too. Problem? He just doesn't enjoy sex, never has.

Pulsar, I envy your once a month! I'm lucky if we have sex once a year (daughter = miracle). He doesn't even enjoy smooching, so I really have very little physical contact with him. It used to make me feel deepy unattractive but I am finally getting my head around the fact that this is his issue, not mine.

Hubbie not interested in counselling (as another poster mentioned) - his attitude is that this is something personal to us and he doesn't wish anyone else to know about it. He won't even go to the doctor. He's happy with things the way they are.

Me? Not delirious. But I love him and feel that there is a compromise to be made in every relationship, and this is mine.

I would never cheat on him, I don't want sex for the sake of it (used to be very happy going without when single). It's just that I really fancy my husband and desire him, and it's just not mutual.

Anyway, very glad to know I'm not alone in not having a red-hot daily sex-life...

Hello.. I posted on here last month about the same subject - Am female, and hub has just about a tenth of the sex drive he ever had for me before I got pregnant (lovely bub now 18mths).

Every now and again I practically break down and tell hub how rejected I feel, and he feels guilty (yuk) and re-iterates how tired and pressured he feels but does love and fancy me, and how his mind is just too full of other stuff. I do my best to support him but him breadwinning and me being stay at home mum/student makes us happy in lots of good ways for now, just maybe not this one.

I really feel for anyone else in this situation, m or f, because it is the same sense of rejection - although perhaps worries about post-baby attractiveness might make that worse - or maybe irrelevant. I hope it will pass but am worried about going through the whole thing again next time, though I do want another baby sometime...

God I can relate to this thread. I am definitely a woman with lots of the womanly bumps and lumps. From a fairly low start, I've got keener and keener on DTD as I've got older and thought that with DH I had found my ideal partner. After the birth of our second child I was ready to go after only a few weeks (something to do with feeling really fulfilled and empowered by the birth - sorry, I know it's a bit lentil-munchy to say that sort of thing but it's true). I am often knackered as am SAHM with part time job (ie work nights) have no childcare or family help with kids but still manage to feel randy. I make an effort when I can though my make up and perfume may be embellished by added banana and snot . DH talks a good game but he is just not interested really. He is a fantasist and cannot handle strong emotion. I would have an affair like a shot if I thought I could get away with it and if I had the **y time but I am a realist and know that there is no such thing as an affair no one knows about and where no one gets hurt. So I make do with privately lusting after actors and other men I will never have any proper contact with. It's a crap substitute for a proper relationship. We've done Relate, a private sex therapist and an NHS one. DH has longstanding issues as a survivor of CSA - don't all scream at me - we have been together twelve years and I have been understanding (I was the one who organised all the therapy) and encouraged DH to see GP for his own separate psychotherapy. I never expected the end result to be that he would turn into a studmuffin but as so many other posters have pointed out, it's the making an effort part that counts. I always have to initiate sex and I rarely do because I have been rejected so many times. I know he uses porn which I loathe because I would hate the kids to find it. I feel trapped. We have talked about divorce but can't afford it - not to mention the effect on the LOs.

Sorry to vent for so long. Respect DH's confidence about CSA and so never discuss this with anyone other than GP on one occasion.

Does your partner take any medication? My partner takes bloodpressure tablets and they totally take away his sex drive and have lots of other side effects too.

No he takes nothing other than booze and he's even cut that down because of the kids

mustrunmore, I find your first post faintly sad. Do you really think it would be OK for your husband to shag someone else because you are temporarily not as foxy as you were when you tripped down the aisle? He got you in that condition!!!

Would it be ok for him to abandon you if you suddenly became disabled, or a bankrupt?

What happened to foresaking all others, in sickness and in health?

Will sit back and wait to be told how reactionary I am, and underdeveloped my emotional maturity is, or something similar.....

No medication here but...

on Friday we were out with friends. I felt VERY strong PHYSICAL attraction with someone i hadn't met before. I don't think that I went out looking for this but I could just sense it. Perhaps I am giving out unconscious signals? Ofcourse didn't act on it.

Then on Sat night, DP and I had supberb sex! So feeling good this morning. But I am sure that I will want more today .

PollyD- I feel for you on the medication. Have they offered him any compensatory medication? Will he be on blood pressure tablets indefinitely?

...that was mutual physical attraction, i meant to say

Pulsar, in my experience many women only feel really "randy" about once a month, something to do with hormones/ovulation etc. so once a month is really "normal". I think the trick is to make that sex as memorable as possible, really treat it as a special treat not as "thank goodness, about time too sex". In my relationship this often means that we have sex two or three times around this time and then none for two or three weeks (although the gap has got shorter as the children have got more independant). Another problem that we encountered is sex at bedtime, apparently everyones testosterone levels (womens too) are highest in the morning and actually lowest at night, this combined with tiredness, makes sex at night a problem. I am much more amenable to a quicky in the morning but need a lot more warming up at bedtime. Once I understood more about the biology of desire I took it all less personally and resentment diminished.
Tip no.2 SWITCH THE TELLY OFF AND LISTEN TO MUSIC IN THE EVENING, don't announce that you are doing it on purpose and don't expect it to have instant results but it does promote conversation in a non -pressured way and talking is foreplay for many women.
Good luck!

I am assuming you are a man, but most of the advice should help even if it is the other way round, good sex once a month can create a positive feedback loop IYKWIM.

pulsar, he is on them for life and has been for 10 years. Our 2 kids were a miracle. I'm tempted a lot and I gave in one one occasion and it was worth every second, but hurt my partner a lot.

If I'm lucky we have sex once every few months. Soetimes I hide his tablets because I know he'll be normal for a few days. When you don't have sex you feel so agitated and irritable and all other stresses seem much worse. He also gets very emotionally detached on the tablets so I end up screaming and shouting and crying before I even get heard.

Noone takes it seriously. The doctors say, what do you want a sex life and a stroke within a few years or an extra 20 years? Sometimes I feel I'd prefer the shorter happier life...but I have 2 kids to think of. Life without sex makes you feel so rejected, ugly and worthless. I have to work on myself every day to improve this negative attitude. So I really sympathise with you...

well last week i spoke to DP about getting some physical satisfaction "outside". DP was surprisingly calm and seems to be considering it. Tried my best to ensure that we didn't argue. I will wait a bit longer before i raise the subject again.

Result I think!