Sex is the only thing doesn't work for us....

[pulsar]

We are the ideal couple (almost). Virtually everything else works for us. We are lucky to have wonderful DC, both very successful in our careers, attractive, supportive, healthy and both considerate to each other etc etc. Only problem is that DP is happy with say "once a month" and "once per day" is my ideal but I would happily live with say 2/3 times per week. Have talked it through several times. Seems insoluable and discussion sometimes leads to argument. I sometimes think that DP wouldn't mind if I discreetly satisfied my desire on the side but DP would never say so. Don't want to hurt anyone but deep unfulfiled desire burns Any advice?

...sorry about name change

JimJams- Childcare isn't too bad as we have 1DC of school age and both have some fexibility with work and help from outside.

Madamez- yes, deception is perhaps worse than the act itself. But I also think that there is can sometimes be an element of keeping up appearances in couples.

So far, I have concluded that I just need to chill, lower my expectations, focus on the other things that give me pleasure (altho' had to beat this one) and generally continue to count my blessings. I think outside counselling will be treated as me bringing in 3rd to validate my case/seen as intrusive.

If your marriage is under threat from a deceitful affair- as opposed to an "open marriage" suggested by Madame z, well surely counselling should not be seen as "interference" - rather a way of making it better?

What is hard for us to know is does your DP feel it is a problem, or is it just you?

It is important whether you are a man or a woman and I wish you trusted us enough to say which [smile[]

you see, men can have sex on 2 levels- just a shag, or an emotional bond too, which is what MOST women want. If you are a man, then I wonder if you are giving your wife the impression that it is just a shag you are after? That would be one reason for her lack of co-operation.

Have you asked her if it the sex itself she doesn't like/want-or something about you -either your appearance, your cleanliness, what you do in bed- or the way that you behave towards her out of bed?

GirlND-

We both seem to enjoy the big moment(s) when we do it. Things heat up and a good time is had by all. Just seems to be LOW down the list of priorities and too infrequent. Earlier poster said something about different chemical compositions- this seems to best describe state of affairs. DP would let me know if there was hygiene or similar issue and we seem to know what each other likes/boundaries etc. Just possible that DP is no longer attracted to my type but I don't think that either of us has aged too badly. For example, neither of us has put much that much weight on. Altho we aren't Brad and Angelina I think both of us would have a FEW admirers of the opposite sex.

If I said that our marriage is under threat from affair then that could cause other trust issues. So far trust is there on both sides (i think). Perhaps I have to take that risk in order to bring home the point? Just worried that would bring more stress into DP's life when DP seems fairly happy with life. Don't want to drag DP down into the pits; believe me when I say that DP's happiness is important to me. It is a it strange as we are both resonably considerate people. Perhaps this is my challenge in life and I just need to grow up and get on with life.

Plse forgive me for not revealing whether i am man/woman/gay. So far I am receiving very good advice from you all w/out gender revelation.

If you are NOT a man, then I would be very very surprised- but who knows

Did you know that we are biologically programmed not to have that great chemical reaction " n love" feeling after 2 years with the same person? If you don't believe me, google it. it's to do with the cave man being around long enough to impregnate, and find food til the little one is weaned.

Maybe you are expecting too much. Maybe you and your wife (???) are sexually incompatible and you have to cut your losses if it bothers you that much.

I think you are intellectualizing too much about an affair- for a start, which women (again- it is really bugging me that we don' t know your sex- really silly of you, imo)would want you just for sex, when they know you love your wife and won't commit to them emotionally? I think you are a bit of a fantasist, tbh.

Your wife would prob be devastated if she read these posts- why not ask her if you can go off and have sex with someone else? That will sort it out once and for all.

Pulsar, if you are unhappy then your relationship is unhappy. A relationship is not all right when only one partner is content. And it's rather sad that it is so often seen as OK for a person to be content without sex - as though not wanting sex very often conveys some kind of moral superiority. There is no moral superiority in ignoring your partner's unhappiness just because you are content with the status quo.
I get the impression that your partner is actually resistant to discussion about the issue and keen to label it all as 'your' problem, which would go away if you would learn to control yourself. That is unfair of your partner. I think you really do need to have a discussion where you make it clear to your partner that the situation cannot continue as it is at present, because you are unhappy and something needs to be fixed.

I don't see why the OP has to be a man, I'm in the same situation and I'm a woman . Dp has a much lower sex drive than me, refuses to talk about it, and won't even snuggle in bed for fear I may want to take it further. I do take the initiative most of the time, if I don't it rarely happens.

well, "it" could be a man or a woman- I think the secrecy is plain daft.

Someone else has posted that the advice we offer differs depending on the man/woman.

I'm sick of this silliness and shan't offer any more thoughts- stop being silly whoever you are Are you a man or a mouse?

maybe they are a same sex couple

of course - mustn't be so narrow-minded.

but personally i think he posts like a man

me too

and only a man would think it made any kind of sense not to say so

and he is probably a physicist

yes, but could be 2 men -same sex couple?

oh blimey- you'll get lots of rants from physicists! Why them?

well who else would call themselves pulsar

and they are fond of sex lol

I am intrigued as to how your advice would be different if you knew my gender!? I am not uncomfortable with you considering me to be a man or woman but I think that you will prejudge if you know for sure whether I am a man or woman. Your combined advice so far has been very balanced without knowing my gender for certain.

Madamez- I think that there is a distinction between unhappy and unfulfilled or even dissatisfied. I think you can/should complain if you are unhappy but unfulfilment/dissatisfaction can be due to expectation/indulgence. This thread has made me ask myself whether I am being indulgent (altho' I know that I am not the self pitying type) to want to satisfy "carnal needs"?

well, Pulsar- this is my final post until you reveal your sex.

I could be wrong, but if we stereotype, i'd say you are a man and choose not to say so, because you feel you will be slagged off by MNs.

Yes, I know there are loads of posts here to from women who's DHs just don't want it often either.

However, the reason your sex is relevant, is because you have talked very often here of seeking sex elsewhere. If you are a man, that means either a prostitute, or a woman who is looking only for sex- no emotional involvement.
Quite where you would find one like that, is hard to say, but it is possible.

If you are a woman, then you will again either have to pay for sex, or find a man willing to provide it free of charge with no emotional ties.

Now this is generalising but MOST women find it hard to have sex with no emotional involvement - I know some will disagree but generally that is accepted. Whereas men can easily have sex without engaging their emotions at all, or just very briefly.

So it IS relevant what sex you are, in light of the advice people offer. If you are a man, you may be able to handle an affair or a shag, or whatever, whereas if you are a woman, you might find it harder- so that route may cause you unhappiness longer term.

I also think that most women wouldn't hide their gender here, as we would not see the point, but you and others may disagree.

GirlND- your advice has been very inciteful (thanks).

Regarding my gender, I am happy for you to consider me a "man" by your definitions if that gives you a marker. I don't think that sourcing an "affair" is the central issue, is it? Unfortunately, affairs are two a penny in today's world? The central issue is more about how I resolve the issue with DP and/or within myself; am I being reasonable etc.

Having scanned through this thread, I didnt intend to bother posting. But it really struck me when you said maybe you should just grow up and get on with it That is so so sad. How on earth can that be a good compromise; for you to suppress the essence of your feelings ,just to avoid stirring the waters so to speak? I'd be suprised if you could continue to do that for very long.
Having said that, you also need to carefully think whether your feelings are just part of a transient phase, of the moment, or whether they are the long term reality. Hope you know what I mean as I'm not very eolquent tonight! I know my feelings ebb and flow, sometimes over months, other things over years. But i'm thinking perhaps now they are all the reality, and my reality just changes alot. For example, sometimes I think I cant live with me and dh having such a lack of emotional connection. But then, would anyone live up to my ideal? And the rest of our life is so good, am I just finding a problem for the sake of it?
We have roughly the same sex drive, but very different tastes, which can led to dissatisfaction. Now I would have no problems with dh having sex with someone else as long as it was just sex, not a mental thing. Sexd is just sex, and you cant help who you are attracted to or what your tastes are. I esp felt like this after ballooning with ds2; he diidnt marry me looking like that, so ther was no reason on earth to expect him to fancy me 3 stone heavier than I was before kids. I've lost 2 stone now, and feeling a bit better about my looks and fitness, but I still wouldnt mind if he chose to sleep with someonoe else, as long as he was honest about it, and careful. I dont own him, he's his own person. {smile]

Mustrun- thanks for your thoughts. Not many can detach sex/love and I think the two should ideally be combined altho' I can see why this isn't always possible.

No hurting dear ones is paramount for me. Also I accept that much of life is about compromising. I believe that one has to be generous in order to receive . .... What I am trying to say is that I am old enough to know that life isn't perfect. It is just a little disappointing that's all; from my perspective missed opportunity. But I am starting to feel like I am dragging this thread out. The right thing is either (i)speak to partner (again) about doing something about it ever so subtly or (ii)count my blessings and get on with the rest of life. Frankly, I see only grief if I do anything else other than (ii).

LoL to all.

The trouble is that while you can bury your disappointments and get on with life for a while, resentments will eventually begin to eat away at you. This is true whether the issue is a partner who has a low libido, a partner who does far less than his/her share around the house, or a partner who insists on the other partner giving up on a hobby or passion because the partner doesn't like it. I don't think it's wise or kind for one partner to refuse to address the other partner's unhappiness and just to hope the issue will go away if ignored long enough. It might well be the partner who goes away.

madamez makes so much sense you know. I can see that you dont want to hurt peole who are close to you. But by refusing to ackowledge your own feelings, all sorts of emotions are going to fester, so its only a matter of time before people do get hurt Better to address it sooner rather than later. You can show how vitally important it is to you in a sensitive way, so dp doesnt feel its all their 'fault', to minimise hurt.

I'm someone else in a similar situation.. fwiw, I'm a woman and dp is a man, but I could've written the OP.
Like you Pulsar I've kind of 'resigned' myself to this being the way it is with us, because talking hasn't been very helpful. And I know that we CAN talk, that's the way we normally sort through all kinds of problems that have cropped up over time. It is just that this doesn't seem to be something with a solution that will leave us both satisfied.

It has helped me to think about it as a 'chemical composition' difference type thing, that we truly have different libidos, whereas before I was stuck on a 'am I not fanciable enough' thing. It is definitely made worse by stress and when we're on holiday or just a bit more chilled things are much better! it is also better for us to be open about the difference and to call IT the problem, not the relationship, and actually, not the sex, when we have it.

And when it comes to satisfying my libido, masturbation though nowhere near as good as with dh, goes some way.

I AM pg at the moment though, so it might be worth saying that my libido is lower than usual and I feel more equanimity than usual to this!!

I know it is really tough, Pulsar. If you do try talking again to dp, would it make any difference to talk not about him/her having sex more/not having sex enough, but if s/he has any ideas about how you both can deal with this difference in sex drive and the impact it is having on you?