Sex is the only thing doesn't work for us....

[pulsar]

We are the ideal couple (almost). Virtually everything else works for us. We are lucky to have wonderful DC, both very successful in our careers, attractive, supportive, healthy and both considerate to each other etc etc. Only problem is that DP is happy with say "once a month" and "once per day" is my ideal but I would happily live with say 2/3 times per week. Have talked it through several times. Seems insoluable and discussion sometimes leads to argument. I sometimes think that DP wouldn't mind if I discreetly satisfied my desire on the side but DP would never say so. Don't want to hurt anyone but deep unfulfiled desire burns Any advice?

...sorry about name change

It is common for couples to have different sex drives. This was a problem in my relationship and several years passed before we honestly talked about it. As others have said, it isn't as simple as you want it or don't - your dp has something else going on. Body issues, depression, stress, etc. can be the problem, or maybe dp isn't happy with your relationship. Perhaps they do not find the intimacy fulfilling for some reason?

DO NOT CHEAT. That will only make things worse. Talk to dp, but be prepared to hear things that are uncomfortable and to make changes. Be honest and accepting of what they have to say/feel.

When I read this my heart nearly stopped in panic, thought it must be about me and DP planning an affair. Luckily DP had no access to a computer today and I felt a rush of relief. I'm obviously like your DP my sd is lower than theirs, things were more exciting at first but now have settled into what is more usual for me. I'm sure my DP feels rejected and that does make me feel sad, but I'm so tired from looking after DC who doesn't sleep and is quite difficult all day. My life has totally changed and is unrecognisable to what it used to be and that is also difficult to deal with. Please dont look elsewhere for satisfaction and talk to DP. You feel hard done by in this area of your relationship but be prepared that it is very likely that DP is also equally unsatisfied but with other aspects of your relationship.

pulsar what triggers the once monthly sex and if it is good and passionate is there a way to make it happen more often?

pulsar I can relate to you so much. My exdh had a very low drive. I abstained once for a year and it did no good!
We also got on well, had good holidays etc... but in the end I couldn't stand it as it felt so unauthentic.

Some people can cope with such a big inbalance but I couldn't although it took me years to go.

If you love your dp so much then get some help outside i.e. relate etc.. even if it means going alone at first. It may make your dp sit up and take notice. I tried all ways to make my ex want me more physically but to no avail. We're still friends and I'm much happier now though.

Good luck.

For what its worth, I'm in a similar situation with my DH. He has much lower sex drive than me. For a long time, it was a BIG issue. We went to counselling and this was no help. It was a bit of a red herring, in that there genuinely isn't any problem other than incompatible sex drives but we spent a year scratching our heads trying to explore if there was a problem (and probably creating a few for the counsellors benefit). We are compatible in every other sense and have exhausted every reason for it. At the end of the day, I think it's a chemical thing in his body combined with pretty stressful living. We are working on it. I'd be lying if I said i'm completely cool with it, I'm not always but I have learnt to make less of an issue and this helps. We are physical with each other every day and we both want to resolve it. I think you have to be careful not to blow it too out of proportion. If I'm looking for a bit of mental anchoring over this issue, I often ask myself what I would do if suddenly there was a health reason which prevented him physically from having sex, would I leave, have an affair? No, of course not, so why should this be different (I'm not a saint, I have been tempted). I also try to imagine how I would feel if it was the other way round.

pulsar- if you are a man, I could be your wife!
reason- I feel me and my partner do not truly connect on an emotionallevel, si do not want to be that physically close to him-long term, Idon't know what will happen.

you need to talk. To her/him- not to us

hello everyone, all your responses are so helpful. Thanks you for your support, wisdom and encouragement. It still (perhaps naievely) suprises me how common this problem is. I shall respond to specific questions when I am back later.

The more you push the less she'll feel like it. Have a cuddle etc, but don't try and force it onwards. You're more likely to get lucky.

Hi Jimjam- don't think it is just about me being pushy. years of cuddles only can add to frustration. In more recent time have tried not to make it an issue but I guess ever so often it comes to the surface.

Girlnextdoor-On your questions about whether desire for sex is like an "itch", part of sex is sometimes a carnal, animal desire but best sex would always be with DP for warmth and expression of love. Combining carnal desire with warmth/love can be truly powerful.

Girlnextdoor-I will re-try all the subtle approaches advised/mentioned. However, there is a part of me that feels that we have been down that road several times and neither of us is getting younger. That makes me vulnerable to low risk options. But I guess nothing is low risk. Seems that there is no magic solutions just more work on relationship (which is otherwise quite good actually- we really do get on and support each other, have some fun and similar outlooks etc.)

Allgonebellyup- i am sure that DP would be very very unhappy if found out that i was having affair. But a tiny part of me thinks that DP would be relieved if I was being satisfied and DP just never found out. Maybe I am just kidding myself but I wonder how much of the hurt would be re: losing "face". Overall all our relationship has been very good but not based on sex so why break based on sex? Why not give each other some accomodation? But I know that life is not like that, sex is such a complicated emotion/act.

Switch it around and how would you feel? I have no sd with my dh. The sparkle has gone out if it for me. I love him and want to be with him until the day I die but he does not do it for me in that way. I would never consider cheating on him though. He is is my soul mate

NotQuiteCockney- work, wider family issues and stress of modern life could have played a part but it isn't obvious that these are the central factor behind mismatch in desire. But I am happy to admit that I may be too close to it to make this judgement

bonkerz- i can relate to the nice chats with both parties promising middle way but then people reverting to their natural habits. And keeping count only adds pressure and causes resentment.

cookiem- good point about imagining how you would respond if partner had a real health problem- for better for worse. Useful way of thinking. My only worry is that martyrdom is not real in this situation and I am wary of not harbouring resentment into my old age. That would not be nice for either of us.

SilkCut- i agree with soulmate thing. My over riding emtion is not to break anything up. I am just saying that there are unfulfilled desires that I am still struggling with. MN discussion is away of me opening up and being honest re: this issue

Darling that is what mn is for - keep talking. I think mn is a great way to vent and get your thoughts straight before you start another day.

thank you. off to bed now. thx for listening and good night.

has anybody mentioned contraception..that can paly a part in how much you want sex

i think if you are emotionally involved with each other and really connect then sex follows but once the balance gets awry its really hard to get it back

once the habit of no sex is there then it feels really self conscious to resuscitate it and the expectation gets in the way and the fear

avoiding it just sems easier

conversely when its there its not hard

how to move from one arena to the other is very difficult

and i think it needs a real catalyst to find the way

if you are very positive about each other in all other ways honestly then it should be easier to get this ok

if you were honestly ok at some point

people do get hung up on things like physical stuff like weight problems looks in general tiredness general unsexiness

i think it is hard sometimes to separate the lack of desire from the lack of feeling desirable

yes, i have to recommunicate that things are not perfect on my side and enquire as to how things are for DP at the same time, i think. And then go from there.

Being male or female does make a difference, IMO/IME.

I know that this sounds like a sweeping generalisation, but it doesn seem to be the case that men need to have sex to feel that they are loved, but women need to feel loved before they want sex. Emotional foreplay, if you like.

There's nothing worse than a partner cuddling up to you because you know that they want sex. A cuddle for its own sake is often what is wanted. Therefore if your DP feels that she is only being cuddled for the sex it removes love from the equation and - bang! - there goes any chance of sex from her perspective.

This is a really difficult issue and a very common area that couples argue about.

I think that both of you have to compromise in some way - she (sorry but I'm sure your DP is a she) needs to recognise that your physical needs are important, and you need to recognise that sex every day isn't what she wants.

But talk about it. Don't harangue, just talk and listen to each other and then work out a plan of action.

superb post zippi

I agree with with because.

When I said don't push I meant that if your dp thinks that everything you do is to try and follow through with sex (and I agree I think you are male) then you will put her off.

I have a lower libido than my husband at the moment. This is from years and years of stresses he hasn't had to take on (which isn't resented, it's the way the roles have worked out- discussed at every stage). I am quite happy to snuggle up and sometimes my libido will kick in. But I hate snuggling up knowing that he is going to be trying to move it on. It's a complete turn off to feel that someone wants to shag you all the time. Much more of a turn on if you think they don't., if they make you work for a bit.

Dh kind of understands that but then his testosterone gets in the way.

Oh and how much childcare is she doing compared to you. Because another factor is that I do a lot more than dh, and to be frank after a day of 3 children climbing on me, wanting and receiving and giving affection, etc etc (and after 9 years of this) the last thing I want in the evening is someone else needing physical affection from me.

I crave space alone and a nice cup of tea.

this is a very very common problem in relationships - and the most important thing to recognise, which I think you do recognise, is that the problem is with the relationship and is not a matter of one partner being a sex-crazed beast and the other an unfeeling frigid prude. What has to be worked out is a compromise so both partners feel reasonably content. You say you are having sex once a month: is this sex demonstrably enjoyable for your DP or is your DP just wearily giving in to what could be seen as your desperation. To be absolutely blunt, is your technique all it could be? Have you ever discussed with DP the various fantasies and preferences the two of you have? Something that can cause this sort of libido mismatch is that, in the beginning, a couple just can't get enough of each other's bodies and basic bonking works every time: after a while, one participant might start feeling an urge to try somethign a bit different yet the other wants to stick with the same old linear method that's worked in the past. Try talking to your DP about that aspect of things.
IF your DP is able to be open with you enough to say, @Look, I really don't want very much sex, I am really not that interested,' then you need to be open in return and raise the possibility of you getting your sexual needs met elsewhere. Try to do so in a totally unthreatening way (if it comes out as 'Give me more sex or I will get it elsewhere' then that becomes something very unethical indeed). It is always unethical - and stupid - to make assumptions about a partner's feelings without asking. You seem to want permission to breach monogamy as you don't think your DP would mind: well discuss it with your DP, calmly and sensibly. People do do this, happily and successfully. Monogamy is not compulsory, but remember it's not the sex that's the issue it's the courtesy and kindness and not decieving other people that matters.

I think that I do spend much time reinforcing /validating DP (in recent years anyway). In recent years I have also tried not to make the equivalence between snuggle and sex but I think that there could be some memory of past. Perhaps there is some fear about "demanding sessions". My experience is that any discussion that hints that I am not getting enough sets us back.

I do think that compromise is required; other party needs to make it a priority and then I need to acknowledge DP's efforts