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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How long do you give it? (maybe TMI, sorry!)

18 replies

thismightbetheend · 13/07/2008 02:14

I really am at my whit's end and need some advice.

I met DP 3 years ago in London. On our second 'meeting', I ventured down to give him a blow job, to be told...he wasn't comofortalbe and could we leave it.

Since then (3 years ago), we have 'made love' 3 times. It's true. The last time we had sex was March 2007. It's got to the point that I have no confidence left in taking the lead (this used to be the only area in life I did feel condfident. I now feel ). We have decided we need to see somene, but he's in no hurry to do so.

My question, I guess, is should I bother? 3 years is a long time. If he felt anything for me, would't he have done something about it?

very very said

OP posts:
avenanap · 13/07/2008 02:24

An mans ability in the bedroom is a very treasured and sacred thing. He's probably very insecure about it and about his body. It's good that you are both getting some help, even if he is trying to put it off. He's probably been too afraid or too embarassed to do anything about it, t really does damage self esteem. If your relationship is good otherwise and you love him then give this a chance and see what happens. Don't write him off just yet though.

Original poster
thismightbetheend · 13/07/2008 02:28

Cheers avenanap,
As you can tell, I haven't written him off. We've been together 3 years and 'come together 3 times' . Feel so exhausted with it all as we've talked about it and never got further than admitting, yes it's a problem.
Trouble is, after 3 years, I can't view him as a sexual partner, more as a brother. Do you think that can change?

OP posts:
avenanap · 13/07/2008 02:34

Oh yes, it needs a bit of spice that's all. I would try and find out what he's worried about though. It sounds as though his self esteem in that area needs some work. A therapist that specialises in the more physical side of a relationship can help. I have no idea where you'd find one though. Relate might be a good start. In the mean time you could go toy shopping and see if he is willing to help . It makes them feel needed, he might get jealous of a rabbit.

Original poster
thismightbetheend · 13/07/2008 02:39

No, honestly, there's a rabbit in the drawer, and if anything he's a bit miffed! Think it has to be counceling/relate and I don't mind, anything that will help!

OP posts:
avenanap · 13/07/2008 02:39

Sorry. TMI. I would hunt down a therapist first. I don't think the toys would help his insecurities or self esteem.

Original poster
thismightbetheend · 13/07/2008 02:41

oh b'jesus, my last post sounded drunk!
Not really thought. Am looking forward to letting it all 'hang'. I am actually going to contact Relate tomorrow and take it from there...wish me lucl

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avenanap · 13/07/2008 02:41

Did he have a very sheltered upbringing? Some kids are brought up to see sex as a very bad thing, it gives them a complex about it. What are his parents like? Very quiet and reserved?

Original poster
thismightbetheend · 13/07/2008 02:48

They are Ave, but I reckon they're quite rampant! I do reckon his upbringing is hugely relevant. When you've brought it up X times though, how can you maeke it relevant any more? (I've run out of ideas{

Weird tonight, we nearly split up, but we are going to give it a go and see what else transpires.

OP posts:
avenanap · 13/07/2008 02:54

Sex is the part of a relationship that makes the difference between having a partner and having another friend so if it is causing a rift between you then it's good that you are going to try to work things out. Sometimes people will hide things from their past, even to themselves so it needs a professional to work out why he's ashamed or embarassed. It will take a while though. It can be tough getting through the surface to fix what's inside. Good luck He's lucky to have someone so patient and considerate. You should be proud that you have stood by him this long. I hope it works out for you.

I have to go and give ds his medicine then go to bed. Sleep well. Try not to worry, things always work out the way they should in the end. Sometimes it just takes a while to get there.

wishing1 · 13/07/2008 03:29

Only 3 times you have had sex in 3 years!! I would starve to death! I think you need to find someone that has the same desires. Sex is an important intimate part of a relationship that allows you two to be as close physically as possible, I would question that he is straight, sorry.

NotQuiteCockney · 13/07/2008 07:58

It sounds like he had issues when you met him, tbh. I don't think his sexual issues are likely to have anything to do with you (I'm assuming here that you've had happy sexual relationships before?).

He needs help, but if he isn't interested in getting it, your options are limited ...

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 13/07/2008 08:59

You started on a no sex basis and have carried on that way for 3 years. It's going to be very hard to change that. You might be able to crack it with a lot of therapy but that's a big undertaking. Good luck!

Original poster
thismightbetheend · 13/07/2008 09:36

He admitted last night that he has huge insecurities about sex. Up to a year ago, I had enough confidence for both of us to take the lead, but now my confidence is shot with the number of brush offs I've had and I feel I can't take the lead any more.

My relationships before this were all quite normal(!), ie. very sexy, very fun!

He's readily admitted it's not me it's him, but that doesn't really help us.

I want to make this work. He's agreed to see someone with me if I arrange an appointment. We must go for it mustn't we?

Off in a minute to spend the day together which is nice . We did have a big talk about this last night and he's very much up for trying to change things.

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 13/07/2008 09:39

That's positive! It won't be fixed overnight but it's great if he's willing to work on it. Too many people clam up and prefer not to address it.

Original poster
thismightbetheend · 13/07/2008 17:52

Have had such a nice day together. Lots of laughing and sillyness but I think it reminded both of us why we're together.

Also talked about last night. He said no way was he going to risk losing me and the relationship over this so he's eager to see someone with me to help us sort this out. He said he's totally terrified about having to talk about things to someone, but we both agree this is our last real option.

Poor guy. I felt quite bad today that I'd posted about this, but was so upset last night, and needed to have a (bit of a drunken) rant! Thanks for listening/reading

OP posts:
Alfreda · 13/07/2008 18:10

Yes, go for it. It could massively change both of your lives for the better. I bet he is as bothered about it as you, but in a different way, and he has much more to lose. His chances of a lasting relationship with anyone else are small, he has been lucky to find someone as patient as you.

princessmel · 13/07/2008 18:23

Do you kiss? Are you intimate in any way?

Glad you had a nice day.

Original poster
thismightbetheend · 13/07/2008 23:52

Oh yes we kiss lots really. Have kissed lots today and we've both talked very openly about what we need to do (ie. seek help).

There is hope for us yet! Thank you for all your encouraging thoughts

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