Please give honest opinions and advice on whether I should split with my DH

[halia]

possibly long - sorry

Me and DH have been together for 9 years and married for 6 years. We've got one 3 yr old DS and won't be having any more (joint decision)

Its always been a relationship we had to work at, neither of us is brilliant at living with someone else and losing independance and it worked best when we each had our own lives and connected with each other over dates and fun times.

Since DS was born its got worse and worse, our sex life is crap (used to be good) we've tried to fix it but i am getting tired fo trying. tbh it feels like DH isn't willing to change his behaviuors around sex, if I don't like it the way he does it thats tough. Plus he mentions fairly often how good he is in bed etc.

(he does say I'm good in bed too and that I'm gorgeous all the time)

DS has health problems and some SN and its been a very long, tiring and worrying 3 years. Alot of DS stuff has got better this last year but tbh our relationship hasn't imrpoived that much

We can't seem to do everyday 'boring' things without it becoming a huge issue or argument. The only time I really enjoy being with DH is if we dump DS and go out for the day.

Now I know the obviuos answer is that its the stress of having DS but I feel its more than that.

DH constantly moans about not having any fun, but he doesn't DO anything to make it happen. Its like the burden of organising stuff is always down to me. I've talked to him about this and said it would be lovely (and make me feel sexier) if he would arrange a babysitter so we could go out. He never has, its always me who has to ring up.

In a way its like this is a hotel (not a very well run one) he doens't seem to make the effort to remmber anything to do with the house, for example he doens't know what days the bin collection is, or what the phone number for our sons GP is.

I can't see this changing even as DS gets older and healthier. I'm just so tired of trying to run the house (not my favourtie job anyway) and feeling like I get no thanks.

Thent here's the biggie, I have some health problems. I suffered badly from PND when DS was born and have recently been diagnosed with a nuerological condition. Its fairly scary at times and upsetting/tiring. Because I'm so tired, run down and depressed about our relationship I tend to get lots of illness's. I KNOW its annoying, it bloody well annoys me but Dh treats it like a perosnal insult. He has NO sympathy at all and he will ignore any sign of pain etc. In feb I felt really ill, chills, fever, aches, it was like awful flu and I coudl hardly get out of bed but DH just said "well you do get alot of these dont' you, i can't stay home or take DS to nursery I'm too busy at work" trotted off to work leaving me with a 2 yr old roaming freely round the house whilst mummy threw up and passed out in the bathroom. I got myself to the GP who said I had viral menengitis and was very ill.

Did DH offer to help at all when he found out? nope

Its happened again today. I kept having severe pains in my side and back all weekend. DH said it was cos we'd gone swimming and I was very unfit and he was a bit achy too. I tried to explain it wasn't liek muscle pain but he just tuned me out. I went up to the GP and I've got a severe kidney infection and possible kidney stones.

god this makes me sound like I'm flalin apart, I do feel liek that i knwo my helaht is crap but it feels like DH makes it worse. feeling so crappy and depressed all the time is awful and I feel so pulled down.

I'm so isolated as when i left my last f/t job I lost alot of contacts and friends and DH has deliberatly cut off contact with most of our joint couple friends. I literally have no-one to talk to except him and my family.

When we met it was like he was my best friend and lover, now both of those things are gone. the sex part might come back but most of the time i just dont' want to spend time with him.

I know he's msierable too and wants it to work but I just dont' think it can. We've completly lost each other and alt of the time I think he doesn't even know me.

We have tried relate but it was awful, DH spent the whole session being sarcastic and awkward (too long to descirbe how), when we got out I asked him why thinkign he might have felt shy or something and he said he'd done it deliberatly cos obviuosly I'd gone there to prove I was right and he was an ogre so he thought he'd play that role for me! (and waste £65 into the bargain)

I've tried seperate counselling for my problems with sex and its gone nowhere except to tell me I was deeply truamatised by DS birth (early, vicous, no pain relief, tore)

My GP said I'd had PND and shouldn't have put myself udner such pressure to try and get back to normal re sex. I DIDN'T, after only 4 weeks DH was badgering me and he hasn't stopped since.

please help, sorry this is a ramble, i'm just so miserable.

Just wanted to say, Halia that I don't feel at all sorry for your ds. It sounds as if you are a fantastic mum who has kept things together in very difficult circs. He is lucky to have you.

If you don't have a child with SN, it really isn't possible to judge - and it wouldn't be human not to have some reservations and/or longing for the easier life you had before.

Good luck going forward - I hope things work out.

sorry for long silence!

finally talked to DH on sudnay and we talked from 7pm til 10pm,

Quinine has a good point, cos I've been feeling so crap I have been focusing on the bad highlights of over 9 years together. I'm not saying there havn't been some pretty crap parts or that he's actually a wonderful person but it hasn't been uniformedly s*.

There are variuos issues we identified

Impact of ongoing needs of DS, both general needs of a willful, independant toddler and the specific things to do with his health/development problems

Differences between me and DH in the way we deal with illness especially more complex stuff with a mental or emotional angle.

DH childhood and ongoing problems within his family some of which have affected our relationship (slowly resolving but still big family split)

Me being depressed, agreed that new job I'm starting next month is ideal and should help alot. Stop me feeling isolated and give me back a sense of me as a person not just a carer/mom/housekeeper

Demands of DH job, very demanding and hitting period that needs intense focus and commitment from DH

Lack of support from my family (thats a whole other story but suffice to say we're continualy being let down by my family who offer to help out and then hum and hah and withdraw offer AFTER we've made plans based on ther support)

Handling DS, DS is turning out to have both lots of stubborness and independance from his parents. He's a bit of a handful right now and I've been struggling to cope with his behaviuor. A bit concerned about possible high functioning aspergers (DH and BIL both have mild spectrum disorder)
My health, and trying to figure out how my condition affects me both physically and mentally. Its alters my brainwave patterns and so I can react very irrationally at times.

DH says he is desperate to avoid a dependant relationship which he thinks we could easily fall into cos of my health problems. He wants a mutually supportive partnership of two strong and independant people. He said he woudl fight a split now cos he feels I need support and he'd want to think I was making that decision when I was happy and selfconfident not when I was depressed and dependant. He is concerned that I might be using my illness to manipulate him into doing things etc rather than asking straightforwardly for help.

My family is VERY bad at being straightforward. They won't say 'I've got a headache can you make me a cup of tea and get me an asprin' they say in a vague kind of way to the room at large 'oh I'm so tired, blah blah .... sigh, head on hand, ask plaintivly if TV can be turned down, get u and fumble through drawer then sniffle, say "nothing" huffily when asked whats wrong then say in injured tones, "you know a cup of tea would be nice". His family on the other hand go for the 'well your not dead and dwelling on how bad you're feeling just makes it worse.'

This we dont' quite agree on and we've said we will continue to work on it. ie we both think each others families are worse and more extreme. We did agree that I would write down a 'what to do if I seem ill/depressed' list and DH would use it.

We're going to work through the netmums relationship course and set aside an evening a week for trying to clear the air about any big issues between us.

The big thing we talked about however was a bit of space, DH wasn't keen on a trial seperation but agreed that maybe some space would help. We have been planning a move for a while and one possible option was to buy somewhere at the cheaper end of our budget, me and DS move while DH stayed here 3-4 days of the week to concentrate on work and selling this house. He'd arrange to work one day a week from home and drive up to us on thursday evening to stay fri-sun.

We can afford it with a squeeze and there are a fair few benefits to it in terms of house selling as well. I love doing up houses etc and I REALLY want to move, its been me pushing the move anyway and this way its likely we could have new house by Xmas.

I'd be able to spend a bit of time on my own each week, and would feel alot more independant etc. The place we're moving to is much more my kind of town and its back in the county I grew up in and I feel horribly homesick for! I've still got vague contacts there and would love to get back into things. DH says he's prepared to stay in his job (including commuting etc) for two years so I dont' have to work and can concentrate on getting stronger, building up social network etc.

I'm also contacting homestart to see if we can get some support from them. After a bit of an argument last night I agreed with DH that I should just stop expecting support from my family, its not that they don't sometimes help out but I should treat it as an unexpected boon not rely on it. So we're both going to work on building a good support network of friends.

DH has said he will take over some of the responsibility for handling DH behaviuor, after a long talk he realised how much of a strain it was on me and that because I am much more emotional than DH I found DS willfullness/temper very hard at times whereas DH doesn't get upset by it or have guilt trips.

Overall I think we may manage to figure this out, feeling alot more positive this week anyway.

dear god that was an essay, sorry everyone. Your suppor has really helped. I dont' think everythings perfect by a long way but I do think we may have weathered that crises and now have at least some chance of working out a way to deal with the rest of life.

(also want to say thanks to those who said I was an OK mum, its really hard to feel that you wish you weren't a parent. but ont he other hand I sometiems feel like its the only natural response to a very difficult, tiring and draining set of circumstances.)

Congratulations Halia - it sounds like you've made a turn for the better. I hope its only upwards for you now. By agreeing to all those things and working with you in this way, you DH doesn't sound half bad either! Good luck to you both.

He sounds like a great boyfriend, but not a great partner/husband.

Not very attentive is he?

Have you done the pro/con thing with reasons for staying with DH?

Congratulations from me too, halia

You have a lot of hard work ahead of you, but it sounds like you have made the all-important first step in identifying all the issues and improving communications with your DH.

Good luck x

ilovemydog: yes I've done that list several times over the past few years you've put your finger on it in some ways, he's not brilliant at beign a typical husband, but then I'm sure I'm nto great at being a typical wife. So instead of trying to fit ourselves into those roles I've decided to try focusing on the things we do really well together.

At the end of it if we realise that there are some things about each other / the relationship we can't change we'll have to decide whether they are make or break issues.

The important thing I think right now is that we make sure we understand what the make or break issues are. DH leaving his smelly socks in his shoes in the middle of the living room isn't really worth breaking up over, nor (I hope) is me constantly having piles of papers and books everywhere.
Hence the relationship course, to check out what we both want out of life and what our priorities are.

I might want a more emotionally sympathetic partner, but is that more or less important than having a partner who is in tune with me mentally and who I can have late into the night political deabtes with, who understands my dream of being invited to TED talks.

So we're trying to accept each other warts and all, to decide which things we are capable of changing in ourselves for each others sake. He hadn't realised how unhappy and scared I was feeling, and I hadnt' realised how helpless and trapped he felt with a sick wife, stressful job and SN child. Alot of discussion and alot of compromise to be done I think but at least we are talking again.

it's easier, I suppose, to get outraged on someone else's behalf, but I took almost personal offence to the comment along the lines that he wasn't sympathetic to your illness as effectively this would be rewarding 'bad behavior'

As if you are a toddler having a tantrum!

Please ask him, if he fancies himself as a psychologist, who he attributes this piece of wisdom to?

Relationships are difficult, but in my opinion, a bit of compassion from him wouldn't go astray....

yeah well that was the biggest sticking point yet. I've agreed to stop being upset about it if he will agree it was a bad thing to do/say.

ah, the art of compromise

Great. Really pleased that you are working things out. It's really difficult going from single-married-kids, and no matter how it takes, it still feels like 0 - 60!

The important thing I think right now is that we make sure we understand what the make or break issues are. DH leaving his smelly socks in his shoes in the middle of the living room isn't really worth breaking up over, nor (I hope) is me constantly having piles of papers and books everywhere.

This is me and DH!!!!

Talking is the most important thing but it only works if its then followed through so don't be afraid to let him know if he's not keeping up his end.

Glad it working out x