Please give honest opinions and advice on whether I should split with my DH

[halia]

possibly long - sorry

Me and DH have been together for 9 years and married for 6 years. We've got one 3 yr old DS and won't be having any more (joint decision)

Its always been a relationship we had to work at, neither of us is brilliant at living with someone else and losing independance and it worked best when we each had our own lives and connected with each other over dates and fun times.

Since DS was born its got worse and worse, our sex life is crap (used to be good) we've tried to fix it but i am getting tired fo trying. tbh it feels like DH isn't willing to change his behaviuors around sex, if I don't like it the way he does it thats tough. Plus he mentions fairly often how good he is in bed etc.

(he does say I'm good in bed too and that I'm gorgeous all the time)

DS has health problems and some SN and its been a very long, tiring and worrying 3 years. Alot of DS stuff has got better this last year but tbh our relationship hasn't imrpoived that much

We can't seem to do everyday 'boring' things without it becoming a huge issue or argument. The only time I really enjoy being with DH is if we dump DS and go out for the day.

Now I know the obviuos answer is that its the stress of having DS but I feel its more than that.

DH constantly moans about not having any fun, but he doesn't DO anything to make it happen. Its like the burden of organising stuff is always down to me. I've talked to him about this and said it would be lovely (and make me feel sexier) if he would arrange a babysitter so we could go out. He never has, its always me who has to ring up.

In a way its like this is a hotel (not a very well run one) he doens't seem to make the effort to remmber anything to do with the house, for example he doens't know what days the bin collection is, or what the phone number for our sons GP is.

I can't see this changing even as DS gets older and healthier. I'm just so tired of trying to run the house (not my favourtie job anyway) and feeling like I get no thanks.

Thent here's the biggie, I have some health problems. I suffered badly from PND when DS was born and have recently been diagnosed with a nuerological condition. Its fairly scary at times and upsetting/tiring. Because I'm so tired, run down and depressed about our relationship I tend to get lots of illness's. I KNOW its annoying, it bloody well annoys me but Dh treats it like a perosnal insult. He has NO sympathy at all and he will ignore any sign of pain etc. In feb I felt really ill, chills, fever, aches, it was like awful flu and I coudl hardly get out of bed but DH just said "well you do get alot of these dont' you, i can't stay home or take DS to nursery I'm too busy at work" trotted off to work leaving me with a 2 yr old roaming freely round the house whilst mummy threw up and passed out in the bathroom. I got myself to the GP who said I had viral menengitis and was very ill.

Did DH offer to help at all when he found out? nope

Its happened again today. I kept having severe pains in my side and back all weekend. DH said it was cos we'd gone swimming and I was very unfit and he was a bit achy too. I tried to explain it wasn't liek muscle pain but he just tuned me out. I went up to the GP and I've got a severe kidney infection and possible kidney stones.

god this makes me sound like I'm flalin apart, I do feel liek that i knwo my helaht is crap but it feels like DH makes it worse. feeling so crappy and depressed all the time is awful and I feel so pulled down.

I'm so isolated as when i left my last f/t job I lost alot of contacts and friends and DH has deliberatly cut off contact with most of our joint couple friends. I literally have no-one to talk to except him and my family.

When we met it was like he was my best friend and lover, now both of those things are gone. the sex part might come back but most of the time i just dont' want to spend time with him.

I know he's msierable too and wants it to work but I just dont' think it can. We've completly lost each other and alt of the time I think he doesn't even know me.

We have tried relate but it was awful, DH spent the whole session being sarcastic and awkward (too long to descirbe how), when we got out I asked him why thinkign he might have felt shy or something and he said he'd done it deliberatly cos obviuosly I'd gone there to prove I was right and he was an ogre so he thought he'd play that role for me! (and waste £65 into the bargain)

I've tried seperate counselling for my problems with sex and its gone nowhere except to tell me I was deeply truamatised by DS birth (early, vicous, no pain relief, tore)

My GP said I'd had PND and shouldn't have put myself udner such pressure to try and get back to normal re sex. I DIDN'T, after only 4 weeks DH was badgering me and he hasn't stopped since.

please help, sorry this is a ramble, i'm just so miserable.

Another thing - why can't YOU contact your old friends? or has he pissed them off so royally that they won't want to talk to you either?

I am afraid that you have been controlled so much that you don't think you have any rights in this "relationship" and that any little thing your H actually DOES do (not much, btloi) is great and shows 'he does care really, look he did make his own toast last week' or some such other triviality.

thumbwitch, they were his friends who became our couple friends and generally yes he has pissed them off enough that they wont' talk to us at all.

I just got a wake up call, I was going to go back to sleep (woke at 11.30 after going to bed at 7pm) but heard DS calling, went in and DS was upset and then threw up everywhere (he does this occasionally its a dietry allergy). I cleaned him up and helped him shower etc and have cuddles/ storeis but he didn't want to go back to bed. He asked for his daddy and I thought why the hell shouldnt' he get woken up. I took DS up scared stiff in case DH got angry, he didn't he kinda opened one eye and said hiya to DS.
I came back down with DS feeling absurdly grateful for that 2 minutes and then once DS was settled I did this double take, DS is his son as well, I know DH has to work tommorrow and I dont' but then I do the wake up calls in the night even when DS isn't at nursery or when I'm ill. I couldn't believe I felt grateful for him not getting mad cos his sick 3 yr old wanted a cuddle at 2.30am.

DH is away tommorrow night for work, I will talk to him when he gets back and say I want to seperate. I'm scare but I can't go on like this.

OK I'm going back to bed now, thanks for all your support. I didn't realise how much my confidence had waned, you know i used to work in a womens centre and could never get why people stayed in abusive relationships, I think I do now.

it is totally insidious. I think of myself as a strong minded independent and sensible woman and I still managed to get into a relationship a few years back with a selfish, immature, pathological liar who brought me down so far in 6 months it was embarrassing.

I say 6 months - that's how long we were actually together although I thought we were still together for another 6 months, until I found out that he actually had another gf.

Small lies, lack of care, isolating you from other people, self-centred me me me-ness, "doing things for your own good", making you doubt your own sanity, picking fights to get his own way, refusing to acknowledge that you need help in any way at all - and you end up being pathetically grateful for small pickings - this was me, is it you?

I too never thought I would be in a relationship like that and certainly that I would leave it if I accidentally got into one; but I didn't for 6 months, I clung on and made the most elaborate excuses for his appallingness, even managing to convince some of my long-suffering friends that I was being reasonable in my explanations - with hindsight I see that they must have known I was desperately clutching at straws.

Your decision sounds like a good one - I'm sure he will be very surprised as he doesn't seem to have much self-awareness OR awareness of others. If you are lucky, he will change - if he doesn't, then you have the contacts to help you get out.

Good luck - I hope it works out for you the best way - and remember you are a strong woman who can cope, you are having to do so pretty much by yourself anyway so you can do it if you do separate.
((((big hugs))))

If you can look after your DS whilst feeling utterly ill without any support from your DH, you can do anything.

Halia, they do sound horribly similar don't they? Everything you say I could say the same. Going back to that time if I had had any encouragement I would have left him (and as I've already said, I'm not sure even now whether I have done the right thing staying with him; in a lot ways I regret not having left him). Not because we are unhappy and rowing or anything like that, but because there is a kind separation between us now - a gap that I'm not really sure I even want to close. This would have horrified me in the days of the 'old' me, the person I was before. I too thought I was mad and making it up, though dh was far more of a hypochondriac than I ever was (I was far more likely to walk a mile on a leg with the bone sticking out saying "It's OK, I can manage"). And you manage with ds because you have to - it's really amazing what people can do, despite all sorts of difficulties, simply because we have no choice in the matter. Be proud of that, it's something you can feel good about - that you do manage with dh on your own, even when you're in a really really bad state. That means you will be able to care for ds if you were really on your own.

It does seem to make it worse that your dh was a nurse. He should not be treating you like this at all anyway, but being a nurse he really should know that sickness is never helped by cruelty or harshness. I have been so much healthier since Relate and I'm sure that's no coincidence.

I have thought about you a lot over night, and myself too. When I first posted I thought I couldn't come down on either side, but now I think separating is probably a good idea. I do hope that things improve for you physically and emotionally.

I sympathise with you hugely.

you do manage with dh on your own

Of course that should be that you manage with DS on your own...

think you know that this is not a relationship that you want to be in for the rest of your life, either MASSIVE changes need to take place or you need to go, I must admit that alot of the first bit (down to the illness and PND) bit soinds like my husband, having no idea what hapens when and phone numbers etc and thinking that because he goes to work that he shouldnt really do anthing else .....but I go to work full time too! Part of it is just men and that attitude but what you are talking about is an incensitive, selfish and unsupporting aresehole

Jux, its not so surprising that he is a nurse and behaving like this - remember the old saying, "doctor's wives die young" - there are HCPs out there who go to the opposite extreme of healthcare with their own families BECAUSE they have seen more examples of illness/suffering etc.

My MIL is a nurse and my DH was lucky to get more than a plaster for ANY injury; he has several scars that came from cuts that should really have been stitched but his ma wouldn't do it; and his nose was clearly broken at some point but his ma doesn't know when adn doubtless she wouldn't have done anything about it at the time if she HAD realised.

I'm not trying to excuse him, it's still not right, but he's not the only HCP who would be more dismissive of "home" illnesses.

GOing back to another point - if your illness is exacerbated by stress, what on earth does he think he is doing, making you MORE stressed? He is actually making your illness worse by his behaviour. Tell him so.

Halia, you are not going mad.

It is very difficult to see things fromthe outside, when you are stuck in a situation.

TBH he sounds as tho he wants only what he wants, and is selfish, manipulative and treating you with such contempt, that that's his way of dealing with life.

He should at least recognise more of how he is making you feel. To say the least.

He IS causing your illness. You are trapped, and your body has decided to revolt.

I think you feel so much better, if you did not have this man in your life anymore.

halia to put it bluntly your dh sounds like a selfish, immature arse
he doesn't support you, he has a very bizarre attitude to you being ill (what on earth is that not wanting to reward you for being ill? he sounds a bit deranged tbh) and doesn't seem to want to take any responsibility for the care of his son
I can only reiterate what ProvicialLady said-what do you get out of this relationship? couples should support eachother

Halia - I think you have posted on my thread and I agree with you that (although there are obvious differences) we are sitting in the same boat at the moment.

I just wanted to send you a huge virtual hug!!

I don't have the answers, I wish I did! What I will say is that you sound from your posts that you are clearly an inteligent person who, like me, knows deep down what is right and what is not.

I can't tell you what to do because I don't know what to do for myself either. I think we both know, in an ideal, uncomplicated and easy world we would call it a day because we are worth more than this-but the world is not ideal, we both have complications and it's certainly not easy is it!?

I just want you to know that I am here, also 32, feeling miserable & for many of the same reasons you are. You are not alone and if I could hug you I would!! xx

thanks for all the hugs, bit of a wierd day so far today.

DS contnued being sick all night from 2am onwards. I knew he couldn't go to nursery and was NOT going to let Dh just breeze out the door again so at 5.30 I went and woke him up, I simply said DS was very ill, had been throwing up since 2am and I was ill too and had been up since 11pm (after going to be around 7)
I left a note with details of what medicine DS had, Gp phone number, nursery phone number and a bit at the bottom saying "sorry but we need you here today" I didn't ask like I normally would in a semi apologetic "could you psosibly sqeeze some time off" I just tried to treat it as if I expected that of course he would stay home and help out.

I've no idea how he reacted when he read it as I went straight into the spare room and lay down for some rest. I did say he coudl wak eme at 12, I thought that was reasonable, he has his work stuff here and I knew DS should sleep a bit so I thought asking him to take 4 hrs out when he could send a few emails etc from home wasn't too much.

When I got up I didn't apologise or anythign I just said thank for sitting with DS and said very lightly, did you get things sorted with work and manage to let DS nursery know. He did the 'as best as I can at short notice thing' but I just replied 'oh good' and moved on rather than apologising like I would have before.

We talked a bit abotu DS and he's now gone back to bed himself as he is driving to london tonight for an overnight stay and meetings.

I've looked into finance, i'm not passing up my share of things honest! I manage all our fiannces and I know where we stand.
we've (please god let the contracts be exchanged this week) just sold my old house and so will have X in savings after that goes through.
Our family home has a very small mortgage and good equity. If we were to split the overall value of assets once everything was sold in half I would get Z.
Now in the current market selling this house would take ages and we might not get a decent price for it.

I don't like this house and certainly woudln't want to live here on my own with DS. So I was thinking if DH extended the mortgage on this house (to less than 50% of value of house) the extra mortgage payments per month would be about the same as what he would pay in maintanance.

I would get that extension as cash plus our profit from other sale which together represent 50% of current value of our assets after mortgages etc paid off.

That is just about enough to let me buy outright a small 2bd place in the neighbourhood.

When DH sold this house he would have the same amount and could similarly buy a small 2bd house or flat mortgage free or choose something different.

So basically I'm saying I'd rather be able to have my own place straight away, no awful rented places and uncertianty, than hang on for increase in house value or anything more complicated.

I did the sums based on my new p/t job, I can manage on my wages plus a bit of WFTC to cover childcare if I don't have mortgage payments to make.

Sorry for detail but I'm trying to reassure myself that I can still think clearly about SOME things.

I feel I've got all out of proportion, I would miss DH good points terribly but on the other hand trying to see things differently I can't believe I feel so grateful and relieved etc just because he took a day off work when his 3 yr old son was ill and his wife was exhausted and ill too.

thumbwitch your MIL sounds like DH, he's generally OK with DS but I do worry about how he will deal with him as he gets older and illness becomes more complicated and emotional. He is very much of the school of thought that you shouldn't pander to illness and the best thing is to ignore it and carry on.

Thanks again for all the posts, it really helps being able to post and chat as I go through this.

POnderingthoughts, huge hug to you too, its bloody hard isnt it. You want things to work and you keep hanging on in the hope that they will work out. And when there's kids involved its alot more complicated.

NO ONE should tell you whether to leave your husband or not. If you could sort everything out so you were all happier, would you? Are you excited about life alone with your son or with a new man? You say you are happier when you dump your son and go out with your husband alone, do you regret having your son? Is there anyone to help? Seems to me you have an awful lot to sort out and writing everything down and tackling it a bit at a time might help. FWIW A man who says he is good in bed, usually isn't, and he isn't good in bed if you don't think he is.

itati- 'dump your son'...weird angle to take and not very helpful

she said she dumped her son. I awas trying to work out wha the problem was.

hey its OK I used the word dump (missed the emoticon from it)
things generlaly do work Ok if its just me and DH and I'm feeling well - ie when its not run of the mill every day stuff we're doing. Anytime we get away for a break without DS we get on better, ie when we are relating to each other as 'date partners' not 'parent partners'

Yep DS puts alot of strain on us both and at times I know we have both regretted our decision to have a kid.

Loving DS to bits doesn't change the fact that 3 years of illness, Speical needs assesments, A&E visits, broken nights (he still doesn't sleep through) having to give up career, reduced social life, reduced income etc etc can make you feel that if you'd known what it would be like beforehand you would hav made a different choice (ie before DS was a person just the idea of a possible kid)

(just in case anyoen is wondering, 'dumping' DS means taking him to stay with his adroed nana and grandad (my parents) for a weekend or DH taking time of work when DS is at nursery with his friends and lovely key worker)

itati, if I could get everything sorted out would mean DH changing his behaviuor and reactions to me when I am ill. I wont' get 'better' in that sense and neither will DS both of our health conditions are lifelong and require special care at times.

I'm certianly not excited about life with a new partner (last thing on my mind) I am feeling alternatly scared stiff, miserable, and relieved/happy when I think about the kind of life I could make for me and DS if we split up.

We've doen writing it out, we've done relate, we've done setting aside time to talk, we've done time alone together as a couple etc etc. It all works in the very short term, ie after a talk i feel better, when its just us two on a weekend away we're OK. But it doens't ever follow through into every day life. It never changes DH core behaviuors that upset me and I can't see what kind of long term relationship you can have if the only times you are happy together is when you aren't in 'every day' life.

I guess I'm just tired and i want my life to be simple, quiet and happy again

I can understand that as when you are alone with your husband you get time just for you. We are looking forward to a few hours alone on Saturday and I know our life is more stressful because we had children. I was trying to see if it was because of the extra work having a child brings, and therefore work throughable. I love my kids but also know DH and I would have been happy without them.

Can you talk to him about how he makes you feel when you are going through a particulary hard healthwise time?

I have to go and get the kids now but if there is anything I can do, please ask.

Take care.

ok, ok, at ease macaroon

macaroon you know it makes me feel better to know there's people out there who will jump up and defend other mums.

DH has gone of to london now and i'm trying to work out just how ill DS is.

okeydoke Dh got back from london after I'd done alot of thinking. Had a pretty rotton 2 days relaly as DS very ill since tuesday and up most of the night for 2 nights throwing up. Got very scared at one point last night as thought I might have to take him down to hospital if I couldn't get fluids into him and stop the vomiting.

anyway, left a message on DH moby when I was worried asking him to call back, then when DS finally fell asleep after a drink left another message saying it would still be nice to hear from him but DS seemed out of danger and both of to bed.

Didn't get a call but tbh was too busy dealing with DS all day to worry about that.

When DH got home I told him I'd had a bit of a rough time with DS and was knackered from dealing with DS sickness and no sleep. He was his usualy casual self,
me saying "I got pretty scared at one point cos DS hadn't had any fluids and was starting to look dehydrated - you know the pinching their skin test thing and sunken eyes, and I would have had to try and take him down to the hospital at midnight, int he rain, on my own"
he replies "yeah, the usual; well kids do bounce back don't they"

I knwo I was in the wrong here but I was tired and upset that eh brushed off what had been a pretty awful and scary evening so I said, it was easy to say that when you HADN'T been here dealing with a toddler throwing up every 2 hrs and running a fever.
he went all angry and launched into a long story about how his trip had been shit cos the hotel was in the mdidle of nowhere, the food was crap, the beds uncomfy and the people didnt' turn up for the meeting.

Now I AM sorry it was an awful hotel, and i AM sorry people let him down. But I did ask how his trip had gone BEFORE I got into my stuff about having a bad night with DS and he said as well as could be expected so I thought it was OK.

Anyway I was trying to focus on good things and nto let it upset me so I let him start a conversation about the hotel and other stuff. We chatted for a bit and then I was sitting down to do a bit of quiet reading before an early night as obviuosly with a toddler not getting to bed til 10pm, then being sick at 1am, 3am and 5am I hadn't had much sleep.

Now I've put him in a bad mood again, cos he came into the livign room and started talking about this project of his to catogrise 'fun'. Now this is a sore topic for me cos he makes statements like "I've done alot of research and I'm pretty good at understanding this stuff now" I just find that SO arrogant. he is bright - very bright, and I know he's done alot of reading but the way he says he knows more than nealry anyone about it - I'm like no you don't, there's probably whole hosts of people with degrees, PHDs and whatnot who've been studying the psychology of fun for 20 years and you've been reading about it for 18 months. I dont' say this outloud I just try to say stuff like "yes, you find X fun, and you think that Y isn't fun but some people might not feel that way"
Plus his ideas about fun aren't my idea fo fun or happiness as I said before and I get a bit peeved listening to someone pontificating about whats 'fun' and how they (and me and everyone else need more of this stuff) and then not DOING anything about it in their own life!
So after a bit he stops and says "oh I wont' bother cos you're in a bad mood"
I tried to explain saying no I'm not in a bad mood, i'm just very tired, full of cold and after 48 hrs of almost continuos response to DS needs I was hoping for an hour or two of quiet time to myself, me time doing what I find relaxing as he's likely to wake up in the night again and need me"

He then announced he was going swimming againn but didnt' want to go until 9 as he thought the pool would be emptier then, so he brings down a juggling ball and starts tossing it around in the living room..... I KNOW i'm being unreasonable but i just felt like asking why on earth he couldn't just sit down with me quietly for a bit, why did he have to be so hyper.

Anyway he's gone off now and I'm feeling all upset again. I was preparing myself to talk to him about how we coudl give it a last shot at fixing things but I think its gone too far for that. He seems to think I'm always getting at him and shooing him away and I think he has no consideration for other people.

I dunno, maybe I am to blame - do these sound unreasonable requests/comments

Can you take your work shoes off before going upstairs as a) I prefer to model by example to DS that shoes come off in the hall and b) the stairs are uncarpeted and go right past DS door and your work shoes make alot of noise.
Can you not teach DS to juggle/throw things as he's only 3 and doesn't understand that if daddy's said he can throw juggling balls he can't throw other stuff.
When you are listening to random song snatches and videos online (youtube etc) can you wear decent headphones so I can read/relax in peace.
If you want to talk about work stuff (apart from the 'had a shitty day give us a hug' type comment) can it wait until AFTER DS is in bed and I've had a chance for a sit down and some food?

I know I'm crap to live with alot of the time, i'm sarky and depressed and I hate alot of noise. I'm not overley tidy and I spend far too much time reading or making lists. Maybe there is no way for it too be fixed and we're both better off without each other.

its just I spent an hour lying down listening out for DS today and thinking through the first few years we were dating. I was veering between wanting to cry cos I was so much happier then and trying to work out if I was just blinding myself to his not so good traits even back then.

If you leave him, will you:

1. miss him (at all?)
2. be able to cope financially?
3. be able to look after your DS 24/7, even when you are ill?

and will your DS be better off that way too?

How about you take a holiday with your DS to a cottage somewhere and sort out how you feel, rather than having your thoughts muddled by the irritation of things like him being hyperactive around you.

(it doesn't sound like you've got an ideal match there, so the question is really can you and do you want to make do with it?).

If you leave him, will you:

1. miss him (at all?) YES

1. be able to cope financially? YES

1. be able to look after your DS 24/7, even when you are ill?

YES, tbh I have to now alot of the time

I think it sounds like neither of you love each other any more, tbh. your last paragraph just sounds like the ordinary annoyances of living with someone, but if you basically had love and affection for each other you'd find a way of tolerating/accommodating/making a joke of these issues - they shouldn't be things that become huge problems you are frightened of mentioning.

He sounds very cold with you though, and also with your ds - what parent wouldn't be concerned about an ill child?

I probably shouldn't say anything more but your thread has really troubled me. I think you should leave him actually.