Done a terrible thing and now my marriage is over.

[OracleInaCoracle]

dh went out today with his friends at 1pm, i saw him at about 4 and he told me he would be home in an hour, 6pm still no sgn so i sent him a text asking where he was, no reply.
sent him a couple more, getting angrier and angrier until he rolled in at 8. i have had a migraine all day and we ran out of milk. when he came in and ds had gone to bed we had a huge row.

weve been having probs lately and he doesnt trst me, thinks im having an affair (im not) and he said that him coming home late was no different to the one time i was late (an hour because taxi didnt show) and i was "slagging around town" i lost my rag a bit and tipped his beer over him and stormed out. im so ashamed of what ive done and we've talked, but this is just the last in a long line of problems, i dont see how we can move on

Sounds like admirable restraint to me. Of course you can move on...if you want to, that is.

I don't think tipping beer over your DH, in and of itself, will cause the end of a marriage lissie, so forgive yourself for that one OK?
Is he ashamed and sorry for not trusting you, accusing you of slagging around town an dthen buggaring off for the evening and not letting you know?

you poured beer over him? God I've done that hundreds of times

his words to you on the other hand are abhorrent. You deserve better than that and you know it.

Sorry you're going through this lissie, I wish I could say something more helpful x

thanks. i feel a bit shell shocked and sad, but i also know that things have been pretty bad for a long time and this is just the final straw. i really think that now we are both using this as an excuse. to hear him talk youd think id hit him, i know what i did was silly and childish, but he called me a slag ffs. last night he told me that he was going to "keep me on mytoes"

oh, and even though ive proved (as much as i can) that im not having an affair, i know he doesnt believe me. i cant keep arguing the same things over and over again.

Haven't you been here before Lissie?

I don't know what to say. Perhaps if you are having all these rows it would be better to split.

Sorry

exactly fimbo. we keep going round in circles and its not fair on ds. im sad, but just tired now.

You haven't done anything wrong - calling you a slag is far far worse. I am so sorry, my relationship is crap too - lost my rag tonight as well after DH lost his temper and threw the laundry basket off the kitchen table onto the floor just after I had put a nice meal I had spent some time preparing on the table for him. He was angry that I hadn't bothered to take the basket off (to be honest I hadn't even noticed it!). I got angry at him losing his temper, he then said the meal was crap and stormed off upstairs to the computer (where he spends most of his free time. I feel very much like you - it is yet another row in a very long line of problems and can't see how we can move on - have tried and just when I think things are getting better, we have yet another row. He is realy bad tempered - I think we is depressed but he denies it. Splitting up would be very difficult since I am the sole bread winner.

oh tigertea, that sounds awful has he apologised?

Sorry to ask but what are the odds he's having an affair? It's rather odd he's accusing you when you've been home late once.

He may just be trying to throw you off the scent...

sorry you are having a shit time sweetie, but if your gut feeling is telling you to split then you need to do it, even if it is temporary

The last couple of months has been such an eye opener to me, i wouldn't go back to how things were for all the money in the world.....just not worth it, i feel free and yes its hard but its bloody worth it

wats, i dont know if i do. i was hoping to talk, but he is passed out asleep. has been for the last hour.i think we are both resigned to it now, its been row after row, after row. he calls me a cunt, a slag, a whore, a nutter (because of my pnd and anorexia) and goads me until i snap. but ive never done anything like this before.

diva, i dont think he is tbh. hes been at home looking after ds while i was at college. he's a ft student at uni.

No - gone to bed, he never apologises. I don't know about you, but the practicalities of splitting up are what stop me doing it, I own the house and I am the sole bread winner. Can't afford to sell up and buy 2 properties, so the only alternative is for him to find a rented place - he is currently a SAHD. That isn't a major problem, since I could extend the mortgage to pay for child care but it is really the thought of making him homeless and possibly forcing him into some horrible council flat which stops me doing it. The children know we don't get on, which isn't great. Think I would be happier without him but can't seem to take the steps to spilt up.

Agree with what tmmj said. I'd not say pouring beer over his head was that terrible.

As an aside though, was it you who was having feelings for a close friend or something? Would that be where he's got this idea in his head about an affair or am I barking up the wrong tree?

Bloody hell lissie! And you've only thrown beer at him once!!

I think my advice based on that would be to cut your losses and split tbh. His fault, not yours. Wonder if your pnd and anorexia woudl improve without the stress he causes you...?

fawkeoff, i always thought that if we split up i'd be devestated, but im not. wa there a final straw for you or just a realisation?

you see i found i couldn't talk to EXdp about the problems in my life because he was a major part of them, he probably felt the same......all i know is that i am just discovering who i am as a person,and its nice........scary but nice

vvv, no but he saw that thread which is what has started this.

Just read your posting about what what he calls you, Lissie. That is awful, nobody should have to put up with being called such names. Relationships are supposed to be about caring and cherishing.