Things coming to a head with dh

[scoobysnax2]

Long term poster but NC for this.

Posted about this before but I am getting to the end of my rope now and really need some advice on how to either accept this or address it with him.

For context, together 10 years married 5. One dc together aged 3 and my older dc from previous marriage. Dh is 10 years older than me. He works full time and earns about 3-4 times more than me in my pt role. I do the lions share of house work and kids stuff.

In the early days sex life was ok. Over time it dwindled and he always said he had low libido. I know he has a ‘secret’ kink but he wasn’t open about this i found out from his search history. I am now aware he is on Only Fans accessing content for this particular kink. He doesn’t know that I know but i can see he is looking almost everytime he is home alone be it when im at work or out with kids.

I am frankly sickened. He tells me he has no sex drive but is channelling his time, energy and money into this. We have sex maybe once or twice a month but it always has to be on a schedule as he has ED issues and uses viagra (may be related to this kink, don’t know or care anymore). It has become so stagnant and predictable that i’ve lost interest to be honest. I feel utterly cheated that i’m still relatively young but being denied a passionate, spontaneous sex life because he’d rather look at this shit online.

I need to talk to him about it and have been trying to for weeks but can’t find the words or the right time. I can’t leave, please don’t suggest that. I’m not financially able and not willing to uproot kids at this time. But i am so unhappy. There’s a lot more to this but any advice would be appreciated. He is overall a good dh who helps, provides for us and is loving and caring in many ways but our sex life is now atrocious. Is this fixable with honest communication?

Last week it was my 40th and we had a very rare evening alone. He planned a lovely thoughtful day but when it came to it, he basically said i’m so sorry I just have no sex drive at the minute, and now that is the standout memory of that day. It’s horrible. I used to think it was me, I wasn’t good enough, I was doing something wrong. Now I know it’s him and his preferences but I literally don’t know if that’s something that can be altered.

I hope you both talk openly tonight OP, it’s good you ripped the plaster off and sent the message. Things will only improve if you both discuss it openly and you explain exactly how you’re feeling.

That sounds very depressing and not a relationship I could/would put with.

If he tells you that this is the best he can offer, will you be willing to accept a sex life that's severely lacking - for the rest of your life?

Have you ever offered to get involved with the kink? Because even though it might not sound like your thing, if it doesn't turn you OFF, the fact it's turning him on (and would probably inject passion back into how he feels about having sex with you) might end up doing it for you?

This is very sad OP. I don’t think you can come back from this if you want a ‘normal’ relationship with your husband. I understand that you can’t leave so you’ll have to accept that you will become divorced under the same roof. An arrangement until your children are grown and you can make other plans. Unless your husband is willing to accept he needs the services of a sex therapist nothing will change …