Things coming to a head with dh

[scoobysnax2]

Long term poster but NC for this.

Posted about this before but I am getting to the end of my rope now and really need some advice on how to either accept this or address it with him.

For context, together 10 years married 5. One dc together aged 3 and my older dc from previous marriage. Dh is 10 years older than me. He works full time and earns about 3-4 times more than me in my pt role. I do the lions share of house work and kids stuff.

In the early days sex life was ok. Over time it dwindled and he always said he had low libido. I know he has a ‘secret’ kink but he wasn’t open about this i found out from his search history. I am now aware he is on Only Fans accessing content for this particular kink. He doesn’t know that I know but i can see he is looking almost everytime he is home alone be it when im at work or out with kids.

I am frankly sickened. He tells me he has no sex drive but is channelling his time, energy and money into this. We have sex maybe once or twice a month but it always has to be on a schedule as he has ED issues and uses viagra (may be related to this kink, don’t know or care anymore). It has become so stagnant and predictable that i’ve lost interest to be honest. I feel utterly cheated that i’m still relatively young but being denied a passionate, spontaneous sex life because he’d rather look at this shit online.

I need to talk to him about it and have been trying to for weeks but can’t find the words or the right time. I can’t leave, please don’t suggest that. I’m not financially able and not willing to uproot kids at this time. But i am so unhappy. There’s a lot more to this but any advice would be appreciated. He is overall a good dh who helps, provides for us and is loving and caring in many ways but our sex life is now atrocious. Is this fixable with honest communication?

Last week it was my 40th and we had a very rare evening alone. He planned a lovely thoughtful day but when it came to it, he basically said i’m so sorry I just have no sex drive at the minute, and now that is the standout memory of that day. It’s horrible. I used to think it was me, I wasn’t good enough, I was doing something wrong. Now I know it’s him and his preferences but I literally don’t know if that’s something that can be altered.

Would he consider therapy? He needs to reduce his porn use basically.
This is the only thing I can suggest to help, otherwise it’s accept things as they are or leave

I don’t know, I haven’t suggested it. It all just feels so messed up and complicated. All I want is a normal sex life, doesn’t even need to be often. But someone who wants me and can be honest about their desires rather than a sad little man paying for fetish content online. It repulses me and he can see there is something wrong with me and my general mood but I don’t know how to confront it. Whenever i’m at work and he’s wfh alone I just sit and seethe at work knowing he’s probably looking at it. All while trying to tell me he has low libido. And when he does initiate sex it feels like it’s more out of a sense of duty than actual desire. And it’s like i’m so sex starved and desperate by this point that I just accept it and then i feel shit after too. It’s a horrible mess. I really want to sort it out but but I also think that if this is who he is then it’s not going to change.

Have the talk OP. If he is willing to commit to couples counselling and/or individual therapy then maybe he is willing to change.

I could have written your post a few years ago. I ultimately left but not before my self esteem and confidence had been eroded.

At this point, it isn’t about the sex, it’s about the disrespect your H has for your feelings.

I’m sorry you are in this position, hope the talk goes well 💐

I would leave him but if you can’t, I would have an affair.

So if he did actually go to therapy, would your mindset change? Because if you would still be feeling the way you do now about him then he may change but will you?

Think about how he can build your trust again and discuss that with him and also in counselling.

I don’t think this is redeemable. He’s pornsick and incapable of normal sexual relations. He’s using other women - that’s what it is, he’s using them as a commodity. He’s probably got death grip and won’t ever have a normal sex life again. Whatever the fetish is, it’s deeply entrenched and he can’t do without it. He’s deceitful in the way an addict is deceitful. I would be disgusted by him, and there’s no coming back from that.

Hard agree. His brain is fetish mush, I doubt there’s coming back without extensive help and you’ve understandably lost the desire or respect to walk him through that anyway.

I could change my mindset. He is (other than this) a decent dh and father. If you removed sex from the equation we’d probably be quite happy and rub along fine together. But i don’t want to remove sex, I also don’t want sex that feels like it’s another job to tick off the to do list. Which is how it feels now.

I definitely feel like I owe us the chance to have a proper discussion about it but I have no idea how to broach it.

I would find a time at home when you are together to tell him you know about his kink. You cannot fix this marriage on your own because he also has to be committed to improving this marriage. His link will continue to be first and foremost. If he’s not committed to this marriage you’re ultimately going to have to start divorce proceedings. He earning more money than you etc are not absolute barriers to you being able to leave him and you can choose to leave him at a time of your choosing. You’re married to him and thus have rights in law. Find out where you would stand legally because knowledge is power.

Do your other children live with you?. Even if they do not they will pick up on your unhappiness and your reactions to your current H, both spoken and unspoken. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?.

I mean my children aren’t exactly in the know about our sex life obviously, but I won’t lie and say the resentment doesn’t sometimes spill out into everyday life. It does. But i have thought long and hard about things and what’s best for the dc. We have no family support, we struggle to juggle things as it is. I don’t know how id cope alone meeting both dc needs (big age gap). Believe me I consider them first and foremost in all I do which is partly why I don’t want to split. If it was just me it would be a lot easier.

It’s very complicated and there is so much to weigh up. I do want to fix things but i need to start by being honest about my knowledge and feelings i guess. I really am starting to get the ick with him too which is dangerous territory if you want to come back from it.

Tell him you both need to go to a marriage counsellor specialising in sex addiction. When he looks baffled, tell him what you know.

Why would you change your mindset?.

If you want a normal sex life it will not be with your current husband. He’s never openly discussed this with you: he’s tried to keep it quiet.

Women in poor relationships write the good dad comment or versions thereof when they can think of nothing else positive about their man.

You should not stay with a man for the supposed sake of the children. They are not going to say to you thanks mum for staying with him because they are picking up on the undercurrent of resentment between you two at home. They could even turn round, call you daft for staying and further accuse you of putting him before them.

They deserve to be raised in a conflict and resentment free home.

I write it because i’m trying to put things in perspective. There are many aspects to a relationship, sex is just one. It is important but so are other things.

In a case like this if you are comfortable with it I would try and find a lover. Or even just a few casual encounters a year.

Would you continue living together but not in a relationship or in an open relationship? Not for everyone I know but worth a mention. He is getting his needs met by others on Only Fans and not meeting yours so I think you going and getting what you need elsewhere is fair.
I'd personally view him paying for Only Fans and getting off over another person cheating so I don't think you should feel any guilt or shame about going and getting off over another person either.

I’ll be honest the thought of having an affair has crossed my mind but I actually love my dh and family unit and wouldn’t be able to separate the two. He has the excuse that this is fantasy and he isn’t interacting with anyone physically, i’ve seen no evidence to suggest he’s actually speaking to these people just watching. I know it’s still completely shit for a variety of reasons but it doesn’t seem to be on par with actually sleeping with another person. Plus I can’t exactly advertise myself on dating apps or whatever as a married woman! But in my darker moments i sometimes think well fuck him he’s doing what he wants without any care for my needs or feelings so why shouldn’t I?

I'm not sure I'd believe that he isn't interacting. He could watch any type of porn for free on the Internet. People pay for Only Fans because it includes interaction.

I’ve looked in the message section and there is nothing. Obviously he could be deleting stuff but he has no reason to think I’d be looking so I don’t know if he’d bother. I hate being sneaky and it clearly shows a massive breakdown in trust but without knowing how often he’s going on there I can’t really build a bigger picture of what’s going on.

I’ll admit there have been times when i’ve thought ‘it’s only the same as looking at porn’ which many men do. But I don’t know, coupled with the fact he’s telling me he’s no desire for sex plus having to take viagra plus putting barriers in the way it all just feels like a huge rejection.

It’s difficult isn’t it, because if you do get your needs met elsewhere so to speak there’s the danger of becoming too emotionally attached.

You’ve got nothing to lose by trying relationship therapy with him.

incidentally, has there ever, in human history, been an incidence of a women only being sexually satisfied by one particular fetish to the exclusion of all else? And what did these fucking weirdo men do before the internet - pay for prostitutes anyway?

The way you feel is completely valid. I don't think many people would be comfortable with their partner using porn at the expense of their sex life. It's a really shitty thing for him to do and probably doesn't feel much better than him having sex with another person would.

The added layer of complexity is that the content is all around this fetish which he knows i’m aware of but has never been something we have done together. It’s nothing sinister but it isn’t something that i find remotely sexy. So I have also tried to rationalise that he is looking at that because it’s not something we will probably ever do as a couple. If we had an active sex life then it might not be that much of an issue but right now it feels like he is prioritising this at the expense of our actual sex life.

I think nothing is going to change unless you put your big girl pants on and tell him you're aware of his kink and what he's been doing. That you're angry he's not been honest with you and that anger and resentment is bleeding into your everyday life. That if he wants to continue the relationship, he will need to engage in therapy, firstly for his porn addiction and secondly couples therapy.

When he does this so regularly, it's a porn addiction and if you read articles on that subject, it explains that being addicted changes the neurons in the brain so that jerking off to porn becomes the prime go-to, and a real live woman no longer does it for them.

In your shoes, I'd no longer want sex with a man who does that, and I'd make some excuse about not wanting to unless he receives therapy. I would then not goad him on that, but be quietly making an exit plan, even if it's a stalled one for a few years until the 3 year old begins school full time. I'd be preparing in the meantime to get more education or training if that's needed to get a high paying job for when exiting the relationship at that optimum time.

He might be relieved you no longer want to have sex, and you can just co-habit like pleasant roommates. Your DH is already wasting money regularly on Only Fans--money that should be put into retirement funds or family vacation money or emergency funds. At least when you divorce, he'll be mandated to pay child support so whatever he does with his other money will no longer be your concern.

I remember your other posts about this.

OP, he has a fetish which you find very unsexy. He is never going to lose his fetish, which is probably something he’s been trying to suppress all his adult life. It’s always going to be something he needs an outlet for. He’s not going to just wean himself off it - he probably wishes he could, but he can’t.

As I recall from your previous posts I’m pretty sure I know what it is, and although it’s something totally and utterly harmless, I do think it’s something he’s deeply embarrassed by and is defensive about it for that reason.

You said it yourself: you see his fetish as something you associate with sad little men. You’ve lost respect for him and you resent his kink and you feel betrayed and he is probably very aware of that and inwardly very ashamed of it, which isn’t going to make him more at ease with you sexually.

Your feelings are totally understandable and not your fault at all; you’ve done nothing wrong. He should have been honest with you about the extent of his fetish from day one (given the embarrassment around it I can see why he wasn’t, but it’s still not fair on you). But he also can’t make it go away. I can’t see how you’re going to get past this and I think you need to split. The longer this goes on the more you’re going to resent each other and it would be better to separate in a civilised manner rather than dragging this out and ending up hating each other.