Things coming to a head with dh

[scoobysnax2]

Long term poster but NC for this.

Posted about this before but I am getting to the end of my rope now and really need some advice on how to either accept this or address it with him.

For context, together 10 years married 5. One dc together aged 3 and my older dc from previous marriage. Dh is 10 years older than me. He works full time and earns about 3-4 times more than me in my pt role. I do the lions share of house work and kids stuff.

In the early days sex life was ok. Over time it dwindled and he always said he had low libido. I know he has a ‘secret’ kink but he wasn’t open about this i found out from his search history. I am now aware he is on Only Fans accessing content for this particular kink. He doesn’t know that I know but i can see he is looking almost everytime he is home alone be it when im at work or out with kids.

I am frankly sickened. He tells me he has no sex drive but is channelling his time, energy and money into this. We have sex maybe once or twice a month but it always has to be on a schedule as he has ED issues and uses viagra (may be related to this kink, don’t know or care anymore). It has become so stagnant and predictable that i’ve lost interest to be honest. I feel utterly cheated that i’m still relatively young but being denied a passionate, spontaneous sex life because he’d rather look at this shit online.

I need to talk to him about it and have been trying to for weeks but can’t find the words or the right time. I can’t leave, please don’t suggest that. I’m not financially able and not willing to uproot kids at this time. But i am so unhappy. There’s a lot more to this but any advice would be appreciated. He is overall a good dh who helps, provides for us and is loving and caring in many ways but our sex life is now atrocious. Is this fixable with honest communication?

Last week it was my 40th and we had a very rare evening alone. He planned a lovely thoughtful day but when it came to it, he basically said i’m so sorry I just have no sex drive at the minute, and now that is the standout memory of that day. It’s horrible. I used to think it was me, I wasn’t good enough, I was doing something wrong. Now I know it’s him and his preferences but I literally don’t know if that’s something that can be altered.

He has an obsession and you won’t tell us what it is, but it’s sexual and every time you leave the house to go to work or with the kids he is at it.

Meanwhile, he pity shags you every now and again.

It’s not a marriage (sorry ive been there) and it’s more than reason enough to leave.

You might love him but he loves wanking himself raw while you’re out of the house then giving you pity sex every now and then.

You are young and deserve so much more.

I know lots of people will say ‘porn addiction’ but this isn’t as simple as that. The niche fetish element really complicates things.

Fetishes are very ingrained and often formed in childhood. He’s looking solely at fetish content; the issue is the fetish itself, not that he uses porn as his means of indulging it. He’s only using the porn because he has no other option for satisfying his fetish.

Obviously that isn’t the OP’s fault as she very understandably doesn’t find his fetish in the slightest bit arousing and absolutely should not feel she has to participate in it. Nobody should be doing sexual stuff they dislike; that isn’t up for debate and clearly is not an appropriate solution to the problem.

Ultimately these are two people with completely different sexual needs. He can only get aroused with his fetish. She can only get aroused without his fetish. Neither of them can rewire their brains to change that.

Maybe let the op tell the story, eh?

A kink can be a very ingrained thing and does not automatically equal sex addiction, like some have suggested. It’s likely not something he can help and if it’s not harmful to him or others is not something he should be ashamed of. That said, it’s deeply unfair and wrong of him to hide this from you when it affects your sex life so obviously. If he knew this was an issue for him he had no right marrying someone and expecting them to live without sex.

If you absolutely can’t leave, I think you need to consider whether you can live without sex or whether you could agree to open up the relationship. You’ve said you have no interest in his kink, and it’s not likely something that he can just be deprogrammed of. Whatever the case, I don’t think there’s any way forward without you addressing this with him very directly. If you find it hard to bring it up with him I think it’s OK to send a message in the first instance.

Without knowing the kink, if its harmless in your opinion I am guessing feet? Like others have said kinks are ingrained, usually from childhood. Is there no middle road to somehow occasionally use it in the bedroom. Obviously without knowing the kink its a far flung question but I am using your opinion that its harmless.

Do you think deathgrip may be the issue? Would he be ashamed when you tell him you know? Regardless of the answers he needs to know you know and how him getting gratification elsewhere is upsetting you, if you don't, the seething resentment will destroy your marriage.

She has. This is at least her third long thread on the subject. She’s asked a few times for advice and opinions and that’s what I’m giving.

Someone has to be more nuanced in their responses than just shouting “porn addiction” and “is it feet” which I’m pretty sure formed the bulk of most replies in her previous threads.

She says she’s name change for this, you might have assumed it’s the same poster -maybe it it, and maybe it isn’t.

Let her tell her own story though please instead of chasing her off?

Start your own thread with your in depth knowledge on fetishes if that’s your thing.

I don't know how anyone can say this isn't porn addiction, given how often he is doing it?

Sorry but you need to put your big girl pants on and talk to him.

He's having an affair with his online link, you do the same in real life if you need to.

You can absolutely advertise as a married women. There's no barriers there. You would be in serious demand.
But it's what you want that's important. Is it minimal sex as a physical thing, which can be sorted easy enough, that's the issue, or minimal sex with your partner. They are different things. Minimal sex with a partner is an emotional minefield around rejection, isolation, loneliness, intimacy, self doubt and frustration. Minimal as an issue per se is a physical need that can be met outside your relationship.
You need to be sure which it is first.

I think this is the key issue. You have a sexual incompatibility, in that this thing is what he wants/needs from sexual stimulation and it’s not something that interests you at all

Secret sexual basement by Minwalla is worth a read - Google it and you can find it for free. It’s a sobering read and I think more common than women imagine.

Personally I’d find a way to tell him I know without letting on I know the website and password as he will hide it better going forward.

Is the website totally anonymous from the users perspective or would the women see him too? If they can see who he is I would tell him you had an anonymous phone call. Yes you are lying, yes you should be able to be honest about it - But there are far too many stories of it being hidden better next time.

You may find this is the tip of the iceberg and saying you have had a phone call may lead to other revelations from
him. Personally I’d not tell him how I know. He is clearly a porn hound and if this influences you staying with him you want to be able to see if he has really given it up.

Thank you for the comments, I really appreciate how supportive and helpful everyone has been. I have made threads about this before and the kink is sploshing - food and mess stuff basically. I’m sorry I keep posting about it but the situation doesn’t seem to improve and this board has definitely been kinder than aibu.

I think I need to find a time when the dc aren’t around and just have it out with him. We have spoken about our sex life before, he becomes very uncomfortable and avoidant. He always says ‘it’s not you’ and that he is attracted to me but just doesn’t always have the drive. I don’t know if he is actually wanking while watching this or just genuinely trying to increase his libido. It is an anonymous account with no identifying info just to answer that question too.

How do I open up the conversation though…”look I know you’re on OF every time i leave the house and it makes me sick” may not go down very well.

He states that he isn’t interacting with anyone, that doesn’t make this ok though.
What he is doing is affecting you, and your relationship.
If him using only fans wasn’t affecting your sex life, how would you feel OP?

How about “I know you’re on OF every time I leave the house and it makes me sad”.

I still wouldn’t be happy about it. OF feels like much more of a personal thing than mindless wank fodder ‘porn’. The option is there to interact whether he is or not and when you are watching the same person over and over (he only subscribes to one) i can imagine it’s easy to build up a fixation with that person. So it’s still not ok but because our sex life is so poor it feels worse.

It absolutely is the same poster, but that really doesn’t matter because my advice would be the same even if I was reading this dilemma for the first time.

And how am I chasing her off? I’m literally responding to the exact thing she’s asked advice on.

She has asked for advice on dealing with a husband who apparently devotes all his sexual energy and interest to a single niche fetish at the expense of a normal sex life with his wife. I’ve responded to the subject of her thread.

It sounds like the fact that he’s so avoidant and uncomfortable is the thing that’s really preventing any progress here. He definitely sounds ashamed and guilty but he needs to bloody face up to that and start talking.

I think the poster who said “I know you’re only OnlyFans every time I leave the house and it makes me sad” probably has the right idea for an opener to that conversation.

If he claims he is doing that in an attempt to increase his libido (which I’m guessing is bollocks) then I think the next point is to point out as gently as possible that he’s only looking at very niche fetish content, which is clearly not going to help increase his desire for ‘normal’ sex.

If he says “It’s not you, it’s not your fault” then I think my answer would be “I know it’s not me, but it’s having a huge negative effect on me because you’re choosing it instead of a sex life with me.”

Maybe you need to be very straight with him and say “Our marriage can only survive if you actually talk to me properly and honestly and openly about this” because ultimately if there is a future in your marriage, that’s where it has to start.

Would he consider a specialised therapist? Initially on his own?

I have sent a text while i’m at work. Not really the way I wanted to deal with it but i haven’t managed to find the time or the words face to face so at least it’s out there now. Just said that I know and how it’s made me feel. He said we will talk later and he loves
me. Not sure what to expect to be honest.

Sometimes its easier to start with a message when not in the same company. He can read, digest and think instead of knee jerk reacting and you can say exactly how you feel without interrupting.especially when it involves something so personal to him.

Whilst the kink is not something he can erase, he can control it. He may well see you as kink shaming him initially but hopefully he will take a step back and see your perspective. If he doesnt or won't then he will leave you no choice in making the decision for both of you on your marriage.

Have you ever had the conversation over whether it's a kink or a fetish? A fetish is something that you need to be sexually aroused, whereas a kink is more of a preference but not necessarily essential.

I have a few kinks, not everyone I've had relationships has shared them all, and, honestly, the most rewarding relationships overall have been with people who do share my kinks.

If it's got to the point you're literally not having sex, what do you think is going to happen to change that? As an outsider looking in, I don't think you're going to be able to change things - though I hope I'm wrong and you can get things sorted.

No we do have sex but it’s probably once a month at best and always at the same time, same routine, no spontaneity. Feels like it’s out of duty more than actual desire.

What is the kink? Would you get involved?

I said below what it is. It’s not something I personally find sexy but if he wanted to I would be open to trying it. He hasn’t ever actually expressed a meaningful desire to do it with me though. Probably wants to keep fantasy life and real life separate.