To end things with my boyfriend over his attitude towards oral sex?

[SharpPlumUser]

I have a very clear preference when it comes to giving oral sex. I’m only comfortable doing it in the 69 position where we’re both giving and receiving simultaneously. Outside of that, I personally find the act degrading.

My boyfriend doesn’t seem willing to accept this and keeps challenging why I feel that way. I’m not asking him to share my perspective or agree that the act itself is degrading. I appreciate that other women may enjoy it in different circumstances and that’s entirely their choice.

However, I believe I’m entitled to my own sexual boundaries without having to repeatedly defend or justify them. For me, the real issue is his apparent inability to accept that this is simply what I’m comfortable with rather than the oral sex itself.

AIBU to consider ending the relationship over this?

I wouldn't end an otherwise loving relationship over this.

Can't you take turns? Not that you asked but:

I don't see how my DP giving me oral is degrading in my circumstance, I'm maybe one of the few lucky ones where he loves doing it (he says) which I find really loving.

Because doing what he wants forces the OP to do something she doesn’t want to do. However, by doing what she wants nobody is forced to do anything they don’t want to do.

It's perfectly respecting his boundaries; if he doesn't want to do it her way he doesn't get oral sex. None of his boundaries have been transgressed! (I say this as a man, not that that changes anything.)

But it's OP saying that he must give oral sex to her while she gives it to him. Doesn't that come under your definition of an unacceptable boundary?

It’s one of those things where the devil is in the detail!

If it is just about oral sex positions, it seems a pretty trivial reason to end a relationship if the rest is good.

If it is about communication and boundaries, however, that is different. He may be thinking that you are being selfish as you clearly don’t mind the act itself , but don’t want to do it purely to please him. Do you enjoy receiving in different positions?

If he is pushy and aggressive that is a good reason to end a relationship, too.

Of course, boundaries are important and need to be respected, but ones that feel strange should at least be discussable if you genuinely get on and like one another.

I guess if you are on here asking whether to end the relationship, it already means that you want to end the relationship. So you should.

You appear to be sexually incompatible and therefore YANBU to dump him. It sounds like you've felt quite uncomfortable with the way he's handled the conversations about it, and I don't think it's possible to have a great relationship with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable in any sex-related situation.

I'll be honest: if a man told me that he would only give oral sex in a 69 because he didn't like giving oral sex unless he was receiving at the same time, that would be my signal to end the relationship. To me, it would seem like a frustrating hang-up that I wouldn't want to navigate.

But I certainly wouldn't keep going on about it and pressuring him, which it seems like your partner has been doing to you. Would I see the logic of your argument? No, I wouldn't. But I would certainly accept that it doesn't need to seem logical for it to matter to you, and that you shouldn't have to justify your feelings because ultimately, you feel what you feel and you're completely entitled to have that boundary. If you don't like it, you don't like it - end of discussion.

He's not unreasonable to want what he wants, but if he can't live with your boundary he should have ended things himself, rather than kept on at you about it and made you feel pressured and uncomfortable.

Neither of you are right or wrong in your individual preferences or boundaries.

But he's absolutely 100% in the wrong to try to pressure you into doing something you've explicitly said you aren't comfortable with.

I'd break up with him on that basis, whatever scenario it applied to, because it's so disrespectful and selfish.

I agree completely.

OP isn't wrong to have this boundary, but it is a faff, and sometimes a person (both male or female) just wants to relax and receive without having to simultaneously give. As long as it's reciprocal and loving, I don't see how it's degrading to give and receive sequentially instead of simultaneously.

But he's being disrespectful to push your boundaries repeatedly, OP - if he can't accept them then he should have ended things with you, not pressured or nagged you. It sounds as though it's best to end things; you're not compatible, and he can't take no for an answer - those are both relationship-ending things on their own, let alone together.

No she isn't. She's saying she's only comfortable giving oral in that scenario. It doesn't mean he has to do anything, therefore it isn't unacceptable.

He has one preference, you have another, unless there’s compromise which I don’t see there can be here, it won’t work, or he just has to accept it

No, the OP is saying she won’t give him oral sex unless she’s also receiving it at the same time. She’s controlling what she does. She’s not trying to get him to give her oral sex, but she’s stating the conditions under which she will provide it. He’s not compelled to give her oral sex, it just means that he doesn’t get any either.

He, on the other hand, is actively trying to get her to give him oral sex.

You're not sexually compatible. End it.

It's funny how tastes differ. I always preferred it singly, I concentrated better and enjoyed it that way, found 69 awkward except briefly.

I do not get the degradation bit. If he goes down on you, is he being degraded? I don't think so. No doubt he finds it extremely pleasurable.

However if this is a really big deal for you, you have to consider whether or not you can live with it as it is.

I’m also surprised at the voting. At this time it’s only 79% yanbu, which is really low. Either people aren’t quite getting the point of the question itself but are somehow voting on the oral sex thing? I don’t know. But I don’t think the act itself is even relevant, a boundary is a boundary and any man who does not respect a woman’s boundaries - especially when it’s related to sex - is a man who will continue to push boundaries and potentially become coercive or even sexually abusive. I mean he may not, but it doesn’t matter. Op, there is no respect for you here, please end the relationship.

I don't think you quite understand what a boundary is. And he is entitled to end the relationship too if his preferences aren't being met.

She is attempting to control the giving/receiving or oral sex so that only her preferred option is on the table.

Fwiw I wouldn't want to be giving with the distraction of receiving anyway. I lose concentration. I don't think either partner gets the best service! I'm guessing OP's partner feels the same way so ultimately they are either incompatible or they compromise.

Imagine a man on here saying he'll only give OS if he's also receiving it, he'd get roasted!
OP is entitled to her preferences though so should end things if it's non-negotiable. He shouldn't be pushing the issue but I would expect her to come across similar problems in future as her stance is a bit unusual.

Hi, OP. We've moved your thread to our Relationships board now.

This. You're clearly not suited to each other @SharpPlumUser so do them - and you a favour, and end it.

Personally, I think the 69 position is dreadful and I get no satisfaction from it.

On what planet is 79% low?

It's actually classed as a supermajority.

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Doesn’t the whole thing depend on what the rest of the relationship is like? If it is basically a FWB thing and you are not that bothered about him, then this becomes really important.

If you are emotionally and intellectually compatible and you see him as a long term partner, it seems pretty trivial to me.

Also, if you really feel that way, you need to say there is nothing to discuss and this is a firm boundary, and relationship-ending if you try to discuss it. Surely, he wouldn’t persist after that? And, clearly if he does, you have your answer.

My illustration was only loosely based on the OP, not exactly what OP said.

It is a valid boundary to say 'I will only give oral sex as part of a 69'.
It is NOT a valid boundary to say 'you have to do 69 if you want oral from me.'

The latter is coercion or bribery at worst. At best it might be a negotiation - but if he refuses to do 69 or give her oral separately, there is no more negotiation, just harassment from him to get oral.

The difference is subtle, but a boundary is about stating what you will or won't do, not what the other person will or won't do.

@Itsasecretnow ,

Are all ‘boundaries’ equal and non discussable? There is a difference between ignoring boundaries and discussing them.

And, if your boundary is something that is considered normal (like the OPs), is that the same as a boundary like not wanting to indulge a kink?

I do think details matter here. Of course, everyone can have their boundaries and they need to be respected. Some can say no oral sex at all or even no PIV sex. However, while you are still in a relationship, you have the right to discuss these and look for compromise. And, of course, anyone can leave a relationship at any time.

Some people enjoy anal sex, some find it degrading even though their partner may get the greatest pleasure from it.
Like has been said, no one should do anything they are uncomfortable doing, and no one should try to coerce them into doing it.

I think - sexually - I’d say in general all (or most) boundaries are fairly equal, in that a boundary is a boundary, regardless of what it is. But yes, they should all be discussable, this is one way of finding out if you are compatible or not. What I have taken from the op in this specific situation is that it isn’t being respectably discussed it comes across as the bf being very disrespectful around her boundary.
They just aren’t compatible, sexually. He is perfectly entitled to his preferences, as is she. I think “compromising”, sexually, cand work for some couples, but others not. Op is quite clear here that this isn’t something she can compromise on. That’s fine, they don’t align, and if it’s causing issues now then it’ll only get worse over time, with one, or both, just ending up resentful, or unfulfilled. He is not at all wrong to have his preferences around oral sex anymore than she is, he’s not asking for anything outrageous, and isn’t unreasonable in that sense at all. Neither are. But they’re just not compatible and if there’s no room for compromise on a hard boundary then they both need different partners.