Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband never want sex!!!

56 replies

AuDHDer · 03/11/2026 22:35

So this isn’t anything new really and has been like this for years but it is slowly grinding me down to question whether he’s ever really wanted me. Before meeting, my husband had been single for about 7 years and basically had given up on ever finding someone until I came along.

Fast forward 11 years and I have constantly had issues with him not wanting to have sex. He comes up with excuses to not even after, during the day, saying that he would be game that night. Then when it gets to the evening he doesn’t want to anymore. He rarely comes to bed with me or makes it up before midnight and opts to watch something on tv or go on his PlayStation than spend time with me.

Before anyone suggests trying things like doing it on the sofa or whatever, he won’t. I’ve tried and he won’t do that. He also won’t have sex if either of us is even a slight bit tipsy. I could and have walked past the tv naked to get his attention and have been told to get out of the way. He has no interest in sex in the morning, daytime or evening.

If I dare mention that he doesn’t love me, find me attractive or a turn on I am called stupid but I feel I have every right to question it when he shows no interest in me . . . Ever.

It happened again today. I said a dirty joke in response to something he had said. He responds by saying he’d be game later once our son was in bed. Son in bed, all chores done, nothing in our way, I try to connect with him and he wasn’t interested anymore.

What am I meant to do?

OP posts:
AuDHDer · 04/11/2026 13:31

I understand the statement but my husband is not gay.

I'm 34 and my husband is 47. He is on medication for blood pressure but that is all and does have a problem getting an erection. Admittedly sex takes a while because he does take a long time to ‘finish’ and we’ve never had a ‘quickie’. We’ve spoken about this in the past but he doesn’t talk openly about why he thinks it does take him sooooo long. I do think he gets in his head sometimes and overthinks it.

We were married in 2018 and knew we wanted to start a family. Our sex life to this point had been fine. After a year of nothing we sought help and then went through 6 years of fertility nightmares. Failed IVF, medical tests, procedures, surgeries (for me) and multiple losses before I fell pregnant again in Jan 2024. It was an awful pregnancy filled with fear and anxiety. Neither of us felt comfortable having sex during this time because I was too scared. I know a miscarriage isn’t caused by sex but my anxiety crippled me during this time. We had our wonderful rainbow boy in the September and with sleepless nights and a boob barnacle attached constantly it took a while until we were intimate again. The past year has been a struggle.

Honestly my husband is my best friend and I know it’s easy to just say leave but I love him.

I’ve tried talking but he struggles to open up but I will talk to him about potentially seeing a GP.

OP posts:
ultraloc · 04/11/2026 13:57

Blood pressure medication can cause ED OP.

AuDHDer · 04/11/2026 14:06

ultraloc · 04/11/2026 13:57

Blood pressure medication can cause ED OP.

Oh I did not know this, he’s been on it for about a year

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 04/11/2026 14:33

AuDHDer · 04/11/2026 14:06

Oh I did not know this, he’s been on it for about a year

It’s only one class of BP medications called beta blockers. They’re not commonly prescribed these days because better medications are available.

OP, what BP med is he taking?

Age 47 is a typical age for the onset of male hypogonadism (low testosterone).

ultraloc · 04/11/2026 14:40

Plus the high BP itself, especially if uncontrolled over a longer period, can damage the nerves and blood vessels and cause the ED without the effects of medications. High BP is nasty.

Overwhelmed664789 · 04/11/2026 14:46

My dp has been on blood pressure meds for 6ish years. No issues in the bedroom until recently when he started taking beta blockers as well, they have killed his sex drive. Is your DH on them?

MissConductUS · 04/11/2026 14:55

Overwhelmed664789 · 04/11/2026 14:46

My dp has been on blood pressure meds for 6ish years. No issues in the bedroom until recently when he started taking beta blockers as well, they have killed his sex drive. Is your DH on them?

Some doctors prescribe beta blockers simply because they’ve been doing so for decades, regardless of the side effects. His GP has lots of other classes of medications he can be switched to that are as effective without the sexual side effects.

TheLastSilverSaint · 04/11/2026 15:33

AuDHDer · 04/11/2026 13:31

I understand the statement but my husband is not gay.

I'm 34 and my husband is 47. He is on medication for blood pressure but that is all and does have a problem getting an erection. Admittedly sex takes a while because he does take a long time to ‘finish’ and we’ve never had a ‘quickie’. We’ve spoken about this in the past but he doesn’t talk openly about why he thinks it does take him sooooo long. I do think he gets in his head sometimes and overthinks it.

We were married in 2018 and knew we wanted to start a family. Our sex life to this point had been fine. After a year of nothing we sought help and then went through 6 years of fertility nightmares. Failed IVF, medical tests, procedures, surgeries (for me) and multiple losses before I fell pregnant again in Jan 2024. It was an awful pregnancy filled with fear and anxiety. Neither of us felt comfortable having sex during this time because I was too scared. I know a miscarriage isn’t caused by sex but my anxiety crippled me during this time. We had our wonderful rainbow boy in the September and with sleepless nights and a boob barnacle attached constantly it took a while until we were intimate again. The past year has been a struggle.

Honestly my husband is my best friend and I know it’s easy to just say leave but I love him.

I’ve tried talking but he struggles to open up but I will talk to him about potentially seeing a GP.

Probably should have included that information in your first post, because that is one hell of a drip-feed.

OldScribbler · 04/11/2026 18:46

Find someone who’s interested.

AlmostAnUnderAchiever · 04/11/2026 19:01

What was the outcome @MidsummerMadness91 ?

Bogstandardname · 04/11/2026 19:06

The BP meds are a real killer to a sex life and also make it very difficult for men to finish.

PUGMEISTER21 · 04/11/2026 19:09

Lozlegs · 03/11/2026 22:38

gay?

Get your ducks in a row
Death Grip
Divorce him

I mean you didnt need mums bet advice to get this stabdard response.

Sherararara · 04/11/2026 19:10

Funny. When a middle aged woman posts her DH wants sex but she has no sex drive, the responses are “no one is owed sex”, “he won’t die if he doesn’t have sex”, “you don’t have to have sex if you don’t want to”…no one ever suggests she might be gay, or that the man should go out and find someone “who is interested” to have sex with…
Maybe all these women are lying to themselves and they all have a secret porn addiction?

PUGMEISTER21 · 04/11/2026 19:11

Dillydollydingdong · 04/11/2026 00:34

Some medications dampen down a man's sex drive. In particular I'm thinking amitriptyline which is apparently an antidepressant. My dp was on it for many years and totally uninterested in dtd, but as soon as he came off it, things improved immediately.

I was on Citalopram and that raised my sex drive through the roof but also made it really hard to orgasm. Thats just pure evil😂

PUGMEISTER21 · 04/11/2026 19:13

Sherararara · 04/11/2026 19:10

Funny. When a middle aged woman posts her DH wants sex but she has no sex drive, the responses are “no one is owed sex”, “he won’t die if he doesn’t have sex”, “you don’t have to have sex if you don’t want to”…no one ever suggests she might be gay, or that the man should go out and find someone “who is interested” to have sex with…
Maybe all these women are lying to themselves and they all have a secret porn addiction?

Edited

Are you suggesting that a proportion of women in munsnet have double standards? I mean if a women cant cum during sex nobody on here will suggest she might be using her vibrator too much but as soon as a man has issues it's because he masturbates to often.

JSovro · 04/11/2026 19:34

Either porn addicted, gay or cheating

sunshinemode · 04/11/2026 20:09

Had you ever thought that the trauma of trying to get pregnant followed by the pregnancy trauma might be playing a role.
It's strange that you didn't mention any of that in the op

Luckyingame · 04/11/2026 20:13

JSovro · 04/11/2026 19:34

Either porn addicted, gay or cheating

Or assexual ...I know, assexual males are rare.

TheLastSilverSaint · 04/11/2026 20:42

Sherararara · 04/11/2026 19:10

Funny. When a middle aged woman posts her DH wants sex but she has no sex drive, the responses are “no one is owed sex”, “he won’t die if he doesn’t have sex”, “you don’t have to have sex if you don’t want to”…no one ever suggests she might be gay, or that the man should go out and find someone “who is interested” to have sex with…
Maybe all these women are lying to themselves and they all have a secret porn addiction?

Edited

I’d give the same advice if it was the other way round. Nobody, male or female, should be expected to continue in a sexless relationship if they’re not OK with it.

Sashya · 04/11/2026 20:58

@AuDHDer - you are young, so it is hard for you to imagine that a man can have low/no sex drive. However, it is very common and has little to do with his love for you. Love is an emotion. Sex drive is a biological sensation that does not need love.

It is clear that your family went through all kinds of states. 6 years of fertility treatments alone can kill anyone's sex drive. So is approaching 50 for a man and high blood pressure....(i am also guessing his cholesterol may be in a higher range)...

Just like women who come here saying they don't want sex while their husbands pester them for it - I'll say the same. Your H has a right to not want sex, especially where it appears to be due to medical issues. You have a right to decide what to do about it for yourself - stay; leave; ask to open up marriage; find a fwb. Pestering him for sex, beyond having a conversation on a few occasions is really not on.

Men in your situation are told the exact same thing. No one is owed sex.

BCBird · 04/11/2026 21:02

He is not wrong not wanting sex in the same way as you are not wrong wanting it. I have been in a relationship where our sex drives were mismatched- me wanting it more than him. It is disappointing. You cannot expect someone to want sex simply because one person does.

Dimsumthang · 04/11/2026 21:17

H e is game for a laugh and knot weasel. Thought of periemopause comes to mind. Might be better off telling him your starting an affair and see how he reacts

GoldenGirl85 · 04/11/2026 21:27

Let’s swap husbands!

UndeadLife · 04/11/2026 21:37

If a man were badgering a woman about wanting sex she clearly didn't want and doing things like walking round naked as a way to coerce, we'd be calling it a very specific word.

Swipe left for the next trending thread