Help me

[mazma]

If you found out about someone’s past about domestic violence what would you do if that person doesn’t do it anymore? Can’t disclose much.

He is abusive, whether physically or verbally, and controlling. This behaviour will affect your child and model their future expectations of relationships if you stay. Use your current breathing space to get support. Presumably your child is still preschool so any change is less disruptive now. It won’t get better sadly unless you are brave enough to leave.

Ok, I'm really confused now between your first post saying "If you found out about someone’s past about domestic violence what would you do if that person doesn’t do it anymore?"

To now turns out he's actually hit you, so it's not something in his past that he doesn't do anymore. He's done it to other women, a long list of things as you say, and he's done it to you, and will absolutely do it again.
You say your family would welcome you back, you're in a more fortunate position than many, I think the answer is very obvious. Good luck to you and your child.

Leave live with your parents, contact Police for advice.

Leave now. Speak to the Police. And do all the other things from my previous post.

So are you guys saying he will never change

Yes. As are you -

I’ve already been hit and didn’t know better

If you go back, he's going to hit you again. He's done it to you before, he's done it to other women before. He's trying to control you.

This is great news, you have supportive parents and can get out of this. Don’t wait until you buy a house and make leaving so much more harder.

It doesn’t sound like ‘he’s not doing it anymore’. He will, when he will get triggered one day.

Can you tell him it’s not working and divorce him?

Please leave.

After reading some of your replies, about staying longer than a x week at your mums and him going mad. Leave.

They do not change. Work with a DV charity to get out as safely as possible. Tell your landlord you have left. Go back to your parents and start again. Let him take you to court for access.

If he has hit you once it will happen again, trust me!! Do not stay with this man, do not worry about courts and child arrangements at the moment, your safety and the child’s is number one priority here. You can deal with all that after. He will give you the I’ve changed, it won’t happen again and all this bullshit but it WILL happen again.

I’m deciding what to do, you all giving me great advice but why I can’t get myself to be brave and take the step

Well black and white? You must. For your child.
If school know about the DV safeguarding will be involved, and it will not look great if you arent safeguarding your child.

Stay at your parents. Contact the police and a lawyer. Dont go home. Start again. You will both be different people in 12 months time

He will never change. Apart from getting worse.

You already took the step. You got away safely to your parents. You might not escape at all if you go back. You need to stay where you are and get legal advice.

Tell the solicitor he has hit you and about his previous violence.

I would block him for now.

Did you do a Clare's Law because of those signs ie the violence? Whichever part of you made that decision will see you through the other steps of contacting Women's Aid and police, getting your paperwork sorted, taking the kids and yourself to your parents, and seeing a solicitor.

Perhaps you think that the first step will make it all real. Presumably you did make that request to know the truth so that you can act on that information. From what you said he has no desire to change whatsoever. This will be your future if you stay, but it really does not have to be with the advice given above. Fear of the future is completely normal at this stage but it will be temporary, with him the fear will be permanent.

Just do it. Afterwards, you will wonder why it took you so long. Your life will be immeasurably better without him.

Whoa whoa whoa @mazma

You need to channel your survival instincts - for yourself and your child.

You need to get away, far far away from this man. Stop thinking about "no one will have me as I have a child". No one will have you if you are dead.

Please get help - family, police, domestic violence charity - get you and your child away from this man.

Just doing that will immediately make your future brighter. Do it for yourself and do it for your DC.

Take it from someone who has been there. i get it. How to deal with the messages and the pulling you in and the DARVO tecnicques (where all of a sudden he flips it and you are defending yourself and you do not even know why...)

DISENGAGE. Do not explain yourself, try to persuade him to see it your way. DO NOT PLEAD YOUR CASE TO HIM. Say, that you read his message and he is entitled to these complaints but you do do not share his perspective. Then close your phone.

When in doubt, do not respond. If necessary, put your phone on airplane mode to shut off his control on you via messages. Start to make him slowly less and less relevant. Get him out of your head and your mind.

It is a long process to do this and you will need to work on it and be mentally discplined but you can do it. And once you do it, you will be so strong. It is worth all the work.

Get a crash course in dealing with difficult people. Get some canned responses ready to respond to these messages. Then slowly you will start to create space mentally from him.

Do not go back.

I would keep on guard and work on seeing signs early during the dating period, to see if its true or not. Dating is more than just hanging out, its the testing period of a relationship.

People like that don’t change! Leave.

You need to leave, full stop. Sooner rather than later, sorry. The thing that women sometimes forget is that abusive guys can literally take away your freedom to choose. You are not always guaranteed the luxury of deciding whether to stay with a guy or not. They end up with more control over the situation than you

I hope you are still at your parents OP and didn't go back to this man. All those messages were creeping me out, he was obviously getting himself wound up for something (we can guess). Please be strong and do it for yourself and your child.