Found out Ex is engaged

[Sunshinestar7]

Found out my Ex is engaged.
We cut contact a year ago, he got with her 3 months after me. Part of me always hoped I would hear from him again. I don’t think I’ve ever truly moved on.
Should I message him to say congratulations?? Any advice what you would do?

Actually, I agree that it is a 'flimsy excuse'.

The only ex I have ever congratulated was my exh because we had an amicable relationship, were in regular contact anyway, shared two children and I genuinely wished both him and his new wife well. There was no ulterior motive other than being genuinely pleased he was happy and a hope that their life together would be successful. But if we hadn't had childen and weren't in contact, I wouldn't have done it.

Of course exes aren't less. But they are irrelevant in the next chapter of someone's life when there has been no continued contact or friendship. A chapter written, read and closed.

Your urge to do this is part of your healing process. He doesn't need to be part of that. And shouldn't be.

Isitmyluckyday and BirdsSinginInTheSycamoreTrees
are right. Use this as an opportunity move on yourself. Close your own chapter and start a new one with a fresh page that doesn’t include him.

I don’t appreciate your comment about exs being ‘irrelevant’ !!
The point of my post was to get points of view not aggressive remarks as such!
In that case I don’t want your opinion

Op, gently ex’s are irrelevant in the next chapter when someone moves on like this,

I think you need to let go and accept it is over, he’s in love, he’s proposed, they are marrying, it’s done.

This. And the post wasn’t at all ‘aggressive’. Exes are irrelevant unless you share children, in which case you’ll always be in one another’s’ lives, hopefully amicably. Or, as in the case with a couple of mine, when they’re amicable and from so long ago they’re just like any other friend, and it feels mildly incredible you were ever romantically involved.

It is ‘aggressive’ - given I’ve posted a question for ‘friendly / Kind’ advice

Don’t contact him. He has moved on, let him.

I’m sorry it wasn’t, you just don’t like it, but the poster gave you good advice.

I don’t like the comment - correct.

It was the best advice you’ve been given. Friendly advice doesn’t always validate you.

I get why the tone stung, but it's hard to argue with the content.

But that doesn’t mean it was aggressive, it wasn’t,

look the poster isn’t tne problem, it’s the fact you want this guy back and are gutted he’s proposed to thid woman and they’ve planned a life together,

sending him a text is not to wish him well, it’s because you want to get back into his thoughts, see if you can open a dialogue. If he was pining after you he’d not have proposed nine months in.

he is just going to respond with thanks, maybe a hope you’re well, he’s not going to think I’ve made a mistake, even if you ask him out and try t8 worm your way back in,

honestly keep hold of your dignity, you’re an ex, not someone he wishes to be with, he wants her, seek therapy or do on line dating, anything but embarass yourself,

You have absolutely nothing to gain by contacting him, he has nothing to gain by you contacting him,.
You are, in not a mean way, irrelevant, because you aren't part of his active life. You are from before times, which he has well and truly left , hence no contact with you.
I'm sure you know now, as everyone on here is on agreement, it's best to just forget that part of your life and forward focus for yourself.

OP. The poster meant you are irrelevant to his future. Not that you are an irrelevant part of his past. There is a distinction.

Here's the thing: whether or not you are who I think you might be (timelines, reactions to what you don't want to hear and writing style fit to a tee), you have no space in that man's life any more. If there was space for you, he'd have got in contact a long time ago.

To the posters who made assumptions about my personality earlier: don't be so quick to judge.

The poster said her and the guy were still in touch when he met his fiancee. His ex would say that, too. Only the "in touch" part was her finding every excuse under the sun to contact him, including forgetting to pack a £1 potato peeler from his house. It was almost every other day at one point.

She then obeyed NC with him. His ex would say that, too, but leave out the parts where she just happened to walk past his road on a weekly basis, approached his family, got a hospital to ring him repeatedly (she was fully conscious) saying he was next of kin, and keeps stalking me online. Or that she tried to insert herself into an annual hobby event she knew he'd be at as a staff member. Or that she'd had previous form for doing the same to another ex.

You judged me by a single post to say I'm controlling, though none of the decisions to block her were on me. The point being he didn't want her in his life any more.

You judge one woman while believing the face value of what another says. Given the OP's reactions, there is definitely much more to the story than she lets on.

I think the pp who mentioned dignity was spot on OP. The best way to maintain yours seems to me to stay well out of this. Which isn't to say it's impossible to congratulate an ex and stay dignified, but I'd think there needs to be more time and distance to pull that one off.

If you only heard the news on the grapevine and your ex hasn't contacted you directly, then don't contact him. Your ex hasn't contacted you in a year, and has clearly moved on in his life. You need to leave him in your past, and start to move on with your own life.

You need to stop, this thread isn’t about you.

Or they remain friends, but these two are no contact,

although that would indicate it didn’t end well.

No we are not in contact! I’ve not contacted him. I just pondered other people’s opinion on what they would do. I mean that’s what mumsnet is for right?!
some are going off on a tangent !

Honestly I would not message him, I understand you still have feelings for him and that is why you shouldn't, he has moved on and he will prioritise his soon to be wife's feelings and likely ignore you if you did end up messaging him which will likely hurt you even more.

Ok, what would I do,

if we remained friends and in contact, I would congratulate him and his fiancee.

if I had an acrimonious ending that resulted in no contact, then I’d remain no contact and not message.

if he ended it, as I suspect he did, then it’s even more reason not to contact him, as it’s, a bit desperate, he won’t believe you mean good things,

if by a one in a million chance you are the stalky ex the pp thinks you are, then you need to hang up your baby reindeer boots and seek help.

No I would not message him.

Im very aware that contact with exes just stops me moving on and being happy. I want to focus on doing things that benefit me not that will most likely hurt me.

I thought it was a very valid point by the PP and not at all aggressive?!

We’re all irrelevant to our exes and them to us unless children are involved.

Did you not read the whole sentence?

Irrelevant in/to the next chapter of an ex's life. Not objectively irrelevant. Nor irrelevant in terms of the past you shared. But irrelevant to their future, yes.

Well, everyone has told you not to do it and that they wouldn't do it.

So whether you appreciate the reasons or tones of people who have taken time to respond to you, I really hope you have taken the advice to leave him alone on board for your own sake.
.

WHY is he being cruel?! He’s done nothing wrong!