Can I ever be forgiven?

[handlewithcare]

10 years ago I made a major mistake which hurt my sister deeply. I was young, and quite messed up, very insecure, and niave.
My sister 'forgave' me, I spent the last 10 years trying to be a better person, and think I am. I try to be thoughtful, caring, considerate and non judgemental. I don't lie or cheat, and have tried to do everything I can to help and support my sister. We are close, we spend quite a bit of time together. I thought things were ok, but on our way home from a night out to celebrate my birthday at the weekend she just lost it. She said she doesn't like me as a person, that she has done so much for me and that I am just a creep and that I am fake. I haven't spoken to her since. I feel devastated that for all this time she has felt this way and never told me. I love her so much, I still feel horrible for what I did, but I am a different person now and I thought we had moved on. I don't know what to do next. Btw I have namechanged.

It really depends on what you did I'm afraid, to what degree you hurt her. Hard to say anything to help you really not knowing what it was though I can see why you might not want to say, esp if it will identify yuou. Perhaps a long overdue chat about it, a real, not fake, genuine chat ( I am not saying you are fake btw) to tell her how you feel about it, that you feel bad and you have changed etc, just what you told us really.

It sounds like it's been swept under the carpet rather than sorted outAs BoM says I guess it's time for a frank and probably horrible conversation with your sister about the said situation. Hopefully clear the air and move on in a different way.

I have been to afraid to have that 'talk' with her for fear of dragging it all back up, and losing her from my life. I don't understand how 10 years could have passed and now this has happened.

I think it's often easy to not face things and pretend like everything is ok so as not to hurt people but things tend to have a habit of coming to the surface no matter how deep you bury them.

Well I think it has already been dragged back up now, she certainly hasn't forgotten, and I think she probably finally admitted this to y ou while lubed with alcohol. Isn't that often the way. Now you need to talk to her, it has rankled and twisted in her brain for long enough, and all this time she has probably wondered why you have never said anything and wondered how you feel about it. Now is the time to lay it all out. It has happened and you both know it, she will do what she wil do anyway, re losing her from your life, so wouldn't it be better if she makes her decision knowing how you really feel????

I'm guessing it has finally become too much for her and she now needs closure on it.

when someone like a family member has deeply hurt/betrayed you it is very difficult to forgive them. It' not because you don't want to forgive them you've just not reached a place where your able to. It is likely your sister is hurting herself by hanging onto her anger hence the lashing out at you.

All you can do is contact her (letter/note??) stating that you accept responsibility for your own actions that you are truly sorry is there anything you can do to make amends?

It's difficuly when we don't know what happened or what you've already said/done to try and restore the situation.

it depends on what you did. It sounds like a betrayal. Did you sleep with her husband?
A betrayal from a family member is hard to understand and forgive.
Whatever it is, it is obvious she has not forgiven, which must have been quite tough for her if you and her do things together.
You need to talk.
Sorry if I am barking the wrong tree.

Even if you apologised and made amends at the time, things can stay in the memory. It's possible that something or someone else in your sister's life is causing her similar pain at the moment and, after a few drinks, she decided to unload on you because you were there.
Let the dust settle for a day or so and then contact her as CG says. If she is still hostile to you, then leave it up to her to initiate the next contact, be civil to her and leave the subject alone. There comes a time when you've apologised enough and, however angry and hurt the other person feels, you don't need to let them keep on punishing you for it: they might not want to be close to you but you are entitled to civility from them. Whatever you did. If you slept with her partner, half the blame at least is the partner's, if you stole from her you should have paid it back somehow, if you slandered her you should have retracted the slander... I appreciate that you may well not want to share what happened (and there is no reason why you should) and I am using those examples as just examples, not accusing you of anything.

Was she drunk? In which case she might not really feel like this at all most of the time. Also is she under a lot of stress and wanting to lash out? I said a few horrible things after a bereavement which I regret very much. I did feel a bit resentful about something, but it was OK really, but under the stress of bereavement, i went a bit mad, and went mad at someone who didn't really deserve it.
But agree, without knowing what you did, it's hard to say anything.

Yes InLove I did, and I hate myself for it. Starlight you are right, there is every chance that she would not like me even if I hadn't had done whwt I did, but then I don't understand why she chooses to spend time with me. If at any point in the last 10 years she had said, I hate you for what you did, I cannot forgive you, or I don't like you as a person, I would have accepted it and not had any more contact with her. But she hasn't, she gave me the opposite impression. I don't want to hurt her any more than I did by being in her life if she doesn't want me in it. I think writing a letter is a good idea.

Oh right HMC. Well, first of all, did she forgive the husband? Because he's more to blame than you are - he's the one who broke his marriage vows.
And if you and her have been on good terms since, then what seems likely to me is that her current partner (particularly if it's the one who actually slept with her own sister) is either dipping his wick elsewhere again or threatening to, and that's brought up the old distress for her.

Well that is a pretty huge betrayal, and she may have felt that she didn't want to lose you, but did you really think that she would just forget it??
I would seriously consider freezing my sister out for that. I think even an ex is really off limits to your sister. I would be more likely to forgive her than the the man, but really that is pretty awful.
Talk to her though, you may be able to salvage the relationship still, though it may take her a while to come around. But if you don't try you will never know what would have happened, and to be quite honest I think she at least deserves you doing sonething.

OK.
First don't hate yourself. You are human. Accept what you did without embellishing it, in its crude reality and learn the lesson, and forgive yourself once and for all. Move on. Because without that you will never accept other people's forgiveness and the relationship with your sister will always be one of emotional dependancy. Talk to your sister, if it means you have to dig everything up again, so be it. You need to take that load off your shoulders.
Ultimately, if she says she cannot forgive you (for real) I would suggest you give her some space. Sometimes, apart from time, it is good to give hurt people some space.

Madamez I disagree though with him being more to blame. She is her SISTER. I would be more likely to forgive my sister if she did this, than the man, but to me the betrayal from the sister would be the more devastating. That is BLOOD, that is worse imo.

Yes she stayed with him. I have lived as though he doesn't exist, not said a single word to him since it happened, which is uncomfortable at times. Their relationship has never really been settled since, and I have listened but never felt in a position to comment. You may be right about how he is behaving now, or how she is worried he might be, she has been unfaithful quite a few times too, but I think he has stayed because like me he thinks he deserves whatever happens, I'm just not sure how much longer I can go on feeling like that.

Sorry handlewithcare if my comments seem crual to you, they are not meant to be, but that is the way I would feel in your sister's shoes. I would suspect her calling you fake and a creep stem from her deep hurt by what you did and her anger at you for doing it.

Talking to her is the only way to resolve this I think, however it might turn out.

Gosh, it all sounds really incestuous (not in the literal sense) and uncomfortable. You did something that I don't think I could ever forgive, but it is done and is a long time ago. It sounds as if she has had her revenge on her h by having numerous flings, and maybe this is her way at getting back at you. Maybe he gave her cause to be jealous before your night out?

BoM you're comments are not cruel at all, and I have felt far worse about myself and my behaviour. I was 16 at the time and I know I am not the person I was then. My mum seems to think I should just let it blow over but I think she is just worried about things getting worse.

HWC, it sounds they are in a not very healthy relationship and have a few issues that need sorting out. And you are caught in it because of what you did 10 years ago. I would really try to see them less, until they sort themselves out. It sounds like you and her husband are slaves of your guilt, and your sister, even if she doesn't realise it, has got a grip on you both, emotionally speaking.

Christ I was a totally different person at 16 TOTALLY, aren't we all. Though I can see your sister's pov, I think your mum is wrong. Leaving it to blow over doesn't seem to have worked so far does it. If my sister did this and then didn't even have the guts and decency to face me about it and talk about it (obv not with detail) and apologise, though I assume you have done that many times, I would be mightily miffed.