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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I ever be forgiven?

53 replies

handlewithcare · 02/07/2008 12:51

10 years ago I made a major mistake which hurt my sister deeply. I was young, and quite messed up, very insecure, and niave.
My sister 'forgave' me, I spent the last 10 years trying to be a better person, and think I am. I try to be thoughtful, caring, considerate and non judgemental. I don't lie or cheat, and have tried to do everything I can to help and support my sister. We are close, we spend quite a bit of time together. I thought things were ok, but on our way home from a night out to celebrate my birthday at the weekend she just lost it. She said she doesn't like me as a person, that she has done so much for me and that I am just a creep and that I am fake. I haven't spoken to her since. I feel devastated that for all this time she has felt this way and never told me. I love her so much, I still feel horrible for what I did, but I am a different person now and I thought we had moved on. I don't know what to do next. Btw I have namechanged.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 02/07/2008 13:47

Yes at 16 most people are incredibly selfish & stupid and her dh should have known better!!!!!

I think you always see your family the way they used to be and it's very hard to see/recognise that they've moved on/changed. A bit like when you go to stay with your parents you turn into the stroppy teenager you used to be.

Interesting that your Mum just says let it blow over - she wants to keep it swept under the carpet, which you now know doesn't work.

Perhaps your sister is angry at you & the world because she is in a bad relationship and in her subconscious it would have been a good relationship now if it hadn't gone pear shaped when you slept with him. Perhaps your sister has some relality to face up to that she's avoiding ie that she has bad poor choices to stay with him etc however you are an easier person to blame and a convenient punchbag.

Sounds horrendous be brave make contact (put your armour on first though)

BandofMothers · 02/07/2008 13:47

As someone said before, she may have been struggling with htis all this time and has realised that she just can't forgive you. Horrible as that is for you.

dittany · 02/07/2008 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BandofMothers · 02/07/2008 13:49

BTW given that you were 16 and he was married to your sister, i think I have changed my mind and will agree that he is more to blame. He should not have taken advantage of his wife's teenage sister, and I am quite shocked she stayed with him tbh. Perhaps she now regrets that .

Spidermama · 02/07/2008 13:59

After my dh had an affair he was so keen to make it up to me that he was a bit grovelly and 'fake' for years afterwards. It made me not fancy him and it led to a meltdown.

The meltdown was the best thing which happened because we were able properly to clear the air and rebuild on more solid ground.

I think you have to let her know how important she is to you. I'm sorry for you both as this must really hurt.

Original poster
handlewithcare · 02/07/2008 14:03

He was quite young too, 21. They aren't married, and had been together for 3 years. They had a dc which is why I think they stayed together. She says she loves him, worships him in fact. I know that I am as much to blame as he is. I was 16 but I could have said no. I won't bore you with my reasoning on why I did it, but I have come to terms with why I did. It only happened once and nothing had ever happened before. I'm not sure after this if we will ever sort things out.

OP posts:
dittany · 02/07/2008 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CarGirl · 02/07/2008 14:12

I generally think it's a bit grim when a 21 year old wants to have sex with a 16 year old. A 5 year gap at those ages is a huge gap.

BandofMothers · 02/07/2008 14:21

Perhaps you wont, but don't you think the least you can do, for you and her, is try???

You'll never forgive yourself if you don't.

Original poster
handlewithcare · 02/07/2008 14:21

I had always admired him, thought he was cool etc, but genuinely had never thought about anything happening. I had been let down by some friends one evening and my sister suggested I go out with him and his friends. When we got out he got a call saying his friends weren't coming, we ummed and ahhed about what to do and decided to stay out for a couple. By the end of the night he was saying things to me that made me feel so good about myself. I was very lonely at the time and had no one in my life to re-assure me or even to talk to really. I was very flattered, and by the time he put his arm round me to keep me warm, all I could think was, I can't believe he likes me, when I should have been thinking this is wrong. I have had to live with myself for making such a horrible mistake for a long time.

OP posts:
StarlightMcKenzie · 02/07/2008 14:29

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BandofMothers · 02/07/2008 14:31

I agree. He should have known better, even at 21. Forgive yourself, then ask your sister to forgive you. Or at least to try not to hate you, and go from there.

dittany · 02/07/2008 14:33

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madamez · 02/07/2008 14:43

Agree with dittany. Your sister basically chose to stay with this man, who seduced a 16 year old and undoubtedly has been shagging around ever since (and you were probably not the first girl he shagged while he was 'with' your sister anyway): men like this don't think women are people, in fact they tend not to think people are people: to seduce your girlfriend's 16-year-old sister is pretty much sociopathic behaviour.

Forget waiting for your sister to forgive you. Draw a line under it and move on. If she's unhappy with this pig she has to take some responsibility for her own unhappiness ie not either kicking him out or accepting once and for all that he will not be monogamous.

MsDemeanor · 02/07/2008 14:51

You poor thing. Taken advantage of by this horrible bloke, then all this. It's very sad.

dittany · 02/07/2008 14:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StarlightMcKenzie · 02/07/2008 15:03

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madamez · 02/07/2008 15:23

There is something pretty unhealthy and predatory about men who try to sleep with either their girlfriends'/wives' sisters or close friends - something quite different from people who having broken up with a partner, some time later have a relationship with that partner's sibling or friend (these can often be both amicable and a source of great amusement to all concerned). It's all about hurting the partner, because such men don't bother to keep it secret. A man like this wants the partner to feel she has to choose him over her sister/friend and blame the sister/friend (because the man is 'only human' and 'couldn't help himself' etc even if (as is usually the case) he planned and orchestrated the whole thing).

WHile I am a bit sorry for your sister, HWC, I am far sorrier for you. The man may well have picked up on perfectly normal sibling rivalry between you and your sister, but he exploited it when there was no need for him to do so and you have suffered more than enough. Draw a line under it and move on: your sister needs to sort herself out and hopefully dump the arsehole.

pebblesonthebeach · 02/07/2008 15:29

Did you tell your sister what happened?

pebblesonthebeach · 02/07/2008 15:43

Or did he?

Original poster
handlewithcare · 02/07/2008 16:08

Starlight in answer to your questions,

  1. No he wasn't
  2. I did for a while after but no, not ever anymore.
  3. Not that it would undermine my self esteem but I just genuinely don't see it like that. I was not a 'young' 16, I was mature and looked it. We had got on well before, to the point where we could spend an evening together obviously. I don't see him as any more a bad person than me, he made a mistake too and has also had to live with it.

Pepples, my sister rang the next day and asked me if he had gone anywhere on his own, or if he had been chatting to other women, as she had phoned stains on his trousers. I tried to lie, but broke down and told her.

OP posts:
madamez · 02/07/2008 18:24

What a piece of work he is. Leaving his cumstained trousers for his GF to find. Talk about rubbing her nose in it.

Irisheyes78 · 02/07/2008 19:34

He tried it on and got what he wanted. You had a mind of your own at 16, and I don't think that he is completely at fault.

Sleeping with your sister's husband is very shitty.

Write a letter by all means. I wouldn't expect much from it if she hasn't forgiven you in the last ten yrs.

mrsfederer · 02/07/2008 20:39

whoops, batten down the hatches...

3kids1cat · 04/07/2008 17:55

Just wanted to say madamez and all the others who said he was a piece of work who was probably shagging around, you were right.
My sister found emails today that made it very clear what he's been doing.
She had been suspiscious for a while and that's what brought things back for her, and made her upset at me.
She is going to kick him out for good. I don't know if she'll ever forgive me, but I know she'll be better off without him, and that I'll always be there for her when or if she needs me.

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