Was I so wrong to ask him to move out?

[Geese999]

I asked to live separately, at least until both of our divorces were sorted including finance, and I've worked on my new relationship with my kids. But still see eachother, stay over etc and then figure it out as we go. He just went berserk and now doesn't ever want to see me again.

Long background sorry. I met E nearly 2 years ago while still in an increasingly unhappy marriage. E was also in unhappy marriage with 2nd wife. We connected, and before it got serious I decided to move out of my house into a flat, file for divorce and was going to live on my own but then E asked to move in with me and I felt obliged to say yes. I was infatuated at this point, as was he. He gave the impression he couldn't afford the rent so I offered to pay full rent. He moved in 2 weeks later and I paid not just the rent but pretty much all the bills including food.

We were very good together, I was in love and he was very loving. But there was a lot of misery all round because of our respective divorces. His wife was sick and his two adult kids decided to cut him off. One of my two adult kids is now bedridden with an illness and the other doesn't want anything to do with E and is just miserable.

I was increasingly unhappy about the rent/bills arrangement (given that my own divorce settlement was unclear) and broached the subject of splitting it equally after 12 months (by which time he could access his funds abroad), and he just said "if you want me to pay I will". I was quite deflated by this reply, because if it were me, I wouldve been embarrassed not to have raised it myself. He wasn't embarrassed at all. It was like that with all the financial stuff - if I specifically asked him to pay, he usually would, but he wouldn't think to offer to think indepedently whether the financial burden was fair. In his marriage his wife did all the money stuff, so he was just used to not thinking about it. In the end I set up Splitwise and he started paying 50% of what I put in, but was still bad at entering anything himself.

He doesn't have any friends outside of the hobby that we both share, and even those aren't close. He's not socially skilled, is a poor listener with no interest in banal subjects, and often looks at his phone in group situations. I have a few good friends and like to spend time with them, so either I bring him with me and have an awkward time or I leave him at home looking sad. I feel the pressure of being the one connected person in his life. He is quite set in his ways - he has bad oral hygiene but hasn't been to a dentist for 10 years and won't, despite my gentle encouragement, because he's had run ins with them in the past. He's critical of a lot of things I enjoy (movies, books, TV, comedy). My feelings for him changed, but he was still the best person to go on adventures with.

After 20 months I decided that I had to deal with my kids properly, which to me meant having a space where they can visit without E. I wanted to separate my finances from E and buy a house once my divorce was through, work on a new relationship with kids (and maybe XH) but still continue to date E and maybe work together on some of the issues I have (like money). I said not necessarily immediately, maybe once I buy a house.

He decided that he cannot contemplate living separately and having a relationship (especially as we are currently living together). He got super angry, shouted "I hate you, there's something wrong with you" repeatedly, said that I was wrong to prioritise my kids over him, then flipped to being nice, then turned hateful and criticised my attitude to my kids, shouted more, interrupted me, said he doesn't care what I say. The more I remained calm and tried to explain that I still wanted to be with him, the more furious he seemed to be. I don't cope with anger well and was terrified.

And now, he's gone for the weekend, left a note to say he never wants to see me again, I need to leave the flat before Monday and not attend any of the joint hobby activities.

Was it so unreasonable to ask to live separately at least until I sorted my divorce out? Was it such an outrageous ask that I deserved to be shouted at? My counsellor thought it wasn't but I don't know now.

You are well rid of him. I understand how you fell into something though. That 1st relationship post divorce makes you feel like a valued human again after being invisible in an unhappy marriage for so long. My rule is to never live with anybody again. Too much stress and hassle if it breaks down. I was devastated when my 1st relationship ended post divorce. Everybody post divorce needs to live alone and work out how that will feel, how their life will shape out. See your friends, enjoy your own company and date but DO NOT COHABIT. Could not think of anything worse than somebody else being involved in my schedule and wondering when I will be home. Good.luck OP enjoy your peaceful living arrangement without him

I think one of the joint tenants giving notice ends the whole tenancy. You do need to do this as otherwise you remain jointly liable for the rent. I would approach the LL and tell them that the relationship has ended. They may or may not be willing to let to him as a single person

He sounds awful. And whatever the situation in your marriage, it sounds like his children definitely consider him to have left their mum for you, so chances are it was much more blurred on that side too. Count it as an exit affair which gave you the boost you needed to leave your unhappy marriage and wish him well. Continue therapy and leave it a good long while before dating again.

There are lovely men out there, but he isn’t one of them.

Are you in England? Just to clarify as that impacts the tenancy situation.

I hope you can rebuild your relationship with your adult children. Your story is fairly typical and why it's so advised to never leave a marriage for another person. It's also typical that it's taken around 2 years for him to reveal his real character. What you saw on the outside was personality and talent, not character.

Sadly you will realise he didn't love you, not because you are you, but because he is incapable of love.

Well done OP for getting this man out of your life. Please stay strong and don’t be manipulated by his invariable begging and reminders of his “good” points.

I read threads like this where there is a clear plan to leave but then there is no further update from the OP. I often worry that these men have worked their way back in and the cycle is continuing. This is not a criticism as I know how difficult it is to extract yourself from an abusive and unhealthy relationship, these men are smart and know how to hook women back. Stay strong and keep your end goals in sight.

Oh wow.
Him and his temper can go and never see you again...please dont!
No one can afford or will want to live with a man who can not pay his way from the get go
To be in your face constantly or sit sulking is a big unhealthy concern as well.
Christ Op...Do not let him crawl back..make sure you tell a friend and have them about if he causes any grief.
I would rise above it...a nicer well adjusted man is what you need not a temper tantrum anti social bludger.
Stick to your goals and wishes to have good relations with the peolle that matter most.
He left a note...what a gutless prat.
Do not let this rat return or bring you down.

He shouted at you and made you feel terrified. he sounds exactly the type to get nasty and aggressive. He already sounds extremely calculated and financially abusive. You're not safe living with him anymore.

I'm sure there's a new law/guideline about ending joint tenancies in abusive relationships. I really hope someone can come along and signpost.

https://england.shelter.org.uk/professional_resources/legal/housing_options/housing_options_for_people_experiencing_domestic_abuse/housing_rights_of_domestic_abuse_survivors

@Geese999 please have a read of this when you can. stay safe. Please don't think, 'he's not the type to turn violent' There is no type, he has already screamed at you making you feel scared, told you to leave, banned you from joint hobbies (he has no right to and I hope you continue attending if you want to)....

Funnily enough, he says that his first wife (with whom he had the now adult children - current wife is step mother to them) also claimed physical violence against him after separation, which he vehemently denies. I do believe he probably didn't strike her, becuase I don't think he wouldve brought it up otherwise, but I've no doubt now he verbally abused her like he did me.
When I asked him not to shout, he said I made him feel small and inadequate by implying he can't control his temper, when he'd never been so angry before and I was the one who made him angry. I did recognise this as blame shifting even in the moment and looking back, I think I knew then it was over.

I'm definitely not getting back with him, no worries about that.

Thank you🙏

Yes England.
You are so right about character.
My kids have been entirely sheltered from him from the start. I guess at some level my gut instinct did work on their behalf, if not for myself.. they have been OK about the divorce but now I can spend much more time with them.
Thank you.

He sounds (maybe rightly so?) upset because he perhaps perceives that you're ending the relationship, despite your reassurances.

It also sounds to me like you are ending the relationship. There's nothing wrong with that, it just hasn't worked out. But I think you need to be honest with him and yourself. That may be the reason he's so upset.

You don’t need his agreement to end the tenancy. One of the tenants giving notice on a joint tenancy ends it for both. You may need to continue paying till the end of the tenancy if he refuses. You could obviously apply to continue as a sole tenant but it sounds like you dont want that and just want to go, so fair enough. I think your belongings are in danger from his temper if he still has access to them so good idea to get them out ASAP. Get your name off any utility / council tax bills too as you move out. You may end up paying all these costs and lose your deposit too sts if you move out now and he is vindictive and doesn’t care about his credit score. The alternative though is living there for another 2 months so it’s your call. If you stay and he is verbally abusive and frightens you, call the police and try to get him removed.
I can see how it happens that you move on from a bad relationship and someone shows you some affection so you make bad choices but you know better now. Find a place for you and your belongings to be alone and repair the relationship with your children. Dont give up your shared hobby at the location you want. He has no rights to it. I wouldn’t advertise my private business there but if he tries bad mouthing you I would set the record straight and not protect him from other’s judgements either.

This 100%. Take time to properly heal after your divorce, and support your kids.
Work on having a decent relationship with your exh for their sake. IME it takes a couple of years for the dust to settle, jumping into a relationship, however understandable, just delays this.

Can’t tell you how happy I am to read this post of yours @Geese999

my love you were targeted and love bombed. He needed a host and you were it. The minute you woke up he went straight to aggression and violent conduct.

get out of this, stay out of this and don’t have anything to do with him again. He doesn’t need your forwarding address, get the post redirected and put whatever is yours into storage

this man is vile. You’re worth SO MUCH more

never ever forget that!

Yes I think you are right. I am a coward for not ending this 8 months ago. I think I knew in my gut how badly he would react. I still have good memories of most of the things we did together though, and I will choose to be happy about those memories.

You are absolutely not a coward. It's an incredibly brave thing to do, especially with all the emotional turmoil going on around you atm.

As this is an abusive relationship, is it worth telling the LL why you are moving out? They might have some advice about how to split/separate the rent responsibilities for the next 2 months, I doubt this is the first time they’ve experienced this with joint tenancies. I’m sorry you’ve been treated so horribly, your future really will be so much better.

Yet another cocklodger! You will be much better off without him

You have to sort yourself out ASAP, if anything for the sake of your kids. You're showing g anyone can walk over anyone with no consequence and that anyone can come along and leech everything out from you. They should be the ones benefitting from anything you own, not some useless creep.

Its frightening to see how you have such low self esteem and you have got to this point. Please keep working on yourself amd listen to those that have your best interests. If someone treated one of your children like this what would you wish they would do?

Sounds like the honeymoon period is well and truly over.
He doesn't sound great by any means however I do think it is odd that you moved in together and then expect to live apart. I can see why he is annoyed at that.
But of course you put your kids first.
You obviously knew beforehand about his lack of friends so wasn't it a problem before but it is now? Or is it that other things are becoming a problem so this has also become one?
I just think you need to be honest with yourself. Because you were in an unhappy marriage did his attention make you see him with rose tinted glasses?
He sounds like a freeloader and a selfish one at that. Do you want to live your years out with someone who struggles to pay a bill, or who you cant leave at home whilst you meet friends because he will be sad. Not sure who needs to get a grip more out of you both!

Thank you, I didn't know that about giving notice on my own. Did some research and have now informed agent/LL. Waiting to hear back though probably not until next week.
Counselling has helped me a lot.

Holy cow. Run!!!!

I’m so glad that you’ve ended the tenancy. You also need to tell him that it is over but you don’t need to do that today.

Are you moving to somewhere safe with your DC and your possessions? Is there a risk he can turn up before you all leave? I also think he has the potential to be violent. He’s been verbally and financially abusive already, I’m really not sure why you’re still giving him the benefit of the doubt?

I’m not surprised that your DC don’t like him, he sounds utterly vile.

I’d also try and work through with your therapist why you’re prepared to put up with a man who has such low personal and social standards and whom your DC clearly dislike. It’s also quite obvious that he dislikes you too OP.