I asked to live separately, at least until both of our divorces were sorted including finance, and I've worked on my new relationship with my kids. But still see eachother, stay over etc and then figure it out as we go. He just went berserk and now doesn't ever want to see me again.
Long background sorry. I met E nearly 2 years ago while still in an increasingly unhappy marriage. E was also in unhappy marriage with 2nd wife. We connected, and before it got serious I decided to move out of my house into a flat, file for divorce and was going to live on my own but then E asked to move in with me and I felt obliged to say yes. I was infatuated at this point, as was he. He gave the impression he couldn't afford the rent so I offered to pay full rent. He moved in 2 weeks later and I paid not just the rent but pretty much all the bills including food.
We were very good together, I was in love and he was very loving. But there was a lot of misery all round because of our respective divorces. His wife was sick and his two adult kids decided to cut him off. One of my two adult kids is now bedridden with an illness and the other doesn't want anything to do with E and is just miserable.
I was increasingly unhappy about the rent/bills arrangement (given that my own divorce settlement was unclear) and broached the subject of splitting it equally after 12 months (by which time he could access his funds abroad), and he just said "if you want me to pay I will". I was quite deflated by this reply, because if it were me, I wouldve been embarrassed not to have raised it myself. He wasn't embarrassed at all. It was like that with all the financial stuff - if I specifically asked him to pay, he usually would, but he wouldn't think to offer to think indepedently whether the financial burden was fair. In his marriage his wife did all the money stuff, so he was just used to not thinking about it. In the end I set up Splitwise and he started paying 50% of what I put in, but was still bad at entering anything himself.
He doesn't have any friends outside of the hobby that we both share, and even those aren't close. He's not socially skilled, is a poor listener with no interest in banal subjects, and often looks at his phone in group situations. I have a few good friends and like to spend time with them, so either I bring him with me and have an awkward time or I leave him at home looking sad. I feel the pressure of being the one connected person in his life. He is quite set in his ways - he has bad oral hygiene but hasn't been to a dentist for 10 years and won't, despite my gentle encouragement, because he's had run ins with them in the past. He's critical of a lot of things I enjoy (movies, books, TV, comedy). My feelings for him changed, but he was still the best person to go on adventures with.
After 20 months I decided that I had to deal with my kids properly, which to me meant having a space where they can visit without E. I wanted to separate my finances from E and buy a house once my divorce was through, work on a new relationship with kids (and maybe XH) but still continue to date E and maybe work together on some of the issues I have (like money). I said not necessarily immediately, maybe once I buy a house.
He decided that he cannot contemplate living separately and having a relationship (especially as we are currently living together). He got super angry, shouted "I hate you, there's something wrong with you" repeatedly, said that I was wrong to prioritise my kids over him, then flipped to being nice, then turned hateful and criticised my attitude to my kids, shouted more, interrupted me, said he doesn't care what I say. The more I remained calm and tried to explain that I still wanted to be with him, the more furious he seemed to be. I don't cope with anger well and was terrified.
And now, he's gone for the weekend, left a note to say he never wants to see me again, I need to leave the flat before Monday and not attend any of the joint hobby activities.
Was it so unreasonable to ask to live separately at least until I sorted my divorce out? Was it such an outrageous ask that I deserved to be shouted at? My counsellor thought it wasn't but I don't know now.