Asked him to pay his half. Why so moody?

[thecallforreparations]

Been together 4 years. We don’t live together, LDR he’s in a different country where I have a house.

He came here for 2 weeks and I suggested a weekend break. He said yes, I paid for flights & hotel on the understanding he’d get the meals. On arrival, we did dinner with mutual friends who live in this place, he didn’t budge when the bill arrived so I paid. Day 2 I got most things. In the evening he got dinner. Day 3 he did pay for us to see a landmark that afternoon but I organised and paid for dinner which was in a special place, which he enjoyed very much.

I got all petrol, paid for parking at airport, etc and during his stay at my house paid for various special food shops & a trip to London, train tickets and dinner.

So he’s gone to his place now and brags to all about this trip. But didn’t credit me, or treat me with much affection, all a bit routine & half hearted.

Given the lack of credit, affection, and coughing up his share, I suggested he even up and pay his half of the main part of the trip, so his flight & hotel stay. It was was a few hundred quid. He finally did so late this evening, but refused to speak to me, claimed he was so tired from making the transaction. Very moody over it. First I felt too guilty to ask for the cash but the more I reflected and the worse he treated me, the more it seemed disrespectful. Then I felt irritated, then resentful, and now I’m annoyed. Why shouldn’t he pay his way, with good grace? Must he huff and puff every time?

For the record, he has no kids, no ex spouses, owns his house & car, earns ok. I do earn more than him but work longer hours in a profession thst I trained a long time for, and I pay for everything myself, my house, bills, dcs. it was also my birthday and he didn’t buy any gift.

Help me to think this through. Was I unreasonable in asking him to cough up his share? I don’t want a kept man, and it’s not like we are married.

Previously went on a long haul holiday & he did pay me his ticket & hotel but I got all meals and trips once over there.

Come on, you don’t need to be told that you need to get rid of him. Moody, ungrateful, and doesn’t ever put his hand in his pocket. He’s a waste of space and unless you are wanting to open the next plane door and boot him out of it, I’d say ciao now.

Nah, he’s got no respect for you sorry OP

Punishing you for standing up for yourself to make you too scared to do it again. Works on a frightening number of women.

He literally sees you as his meal ticket - dump him

Well, I hope he’s got lots of good points to make up for his tightness and moods.
But I suspect not. Is he worth it in any other ways? Considerate, caring?
Otherwise…

Was he ever generous before?
You may need to chalk this up to an expensive lesson, dump him and move on.
And unless you're a woman who's happy treating her man, cut back on the largesse in future.

Ditch

Trying to work out how much balance there is in general. When I go to his, he does cook meals for us and pays for meals out, although it’s not an expensive place and I have my own house there, so he doesn’t need to host me as such.

What he offers… he’s loyal and caring, hugely helpful around the house, with DIY stuff and has saved me money, is kind in other ways, but miserly and this particular incident left a bad taste. I don’t rate this behaviour and he will certainly be on his way out if he doesn’t pull his socks up.

He didn’t buy you a birthday present. In these circumstances this is a huge warning he’s not that into you.

As usual, first post nailed it.

You are not being unreasonable to expect him to treat you decently. You are being v v unreasonable to not dump someone who treats you so badly.

is this really what you want for yourself? What would say to a friend, a sibling or child who described a relationship and asked what you thought?

OP it sounds like he wasn’t always like this but the fact on his most recent visit he has treated you so poorly shows something has changed.

It needs to be addressed or you go your separate ways. You can’t stick with him because of how nice he used to be in the past.

Does he usually bring birthday gifts? Do you send him birthday gifts?

I just think sometimes when men’s attitude declines and they start acting as if they are the prize they are often at the stage of being mentally checked out and no longer see much value in you.

No point in him being "nice" if he treats you with disrespect, refuses to pay his way and kicks off if you set boundaries. I bet he's only "nice" when you do want he wants.

Get rid, he'll only cause you pain.

People with manners don't need reminding.

You left openings for him to pay for dinner with friends. Short of asking,
"Are you going to get the tab?" you could have given him a nudge. He should have twigged.

He was not generous.
Generosity is attractive.
I would break up.

Sounds like he wants a sugar mama. Ltb

He sounds very tight.

it was also my birthday and he didn’t buy any gift.

You’ve been together 4 years and he couldn’t be bothered to buy you a gift of any sort at all? Not even garage flowers and chocolates? Why do you even care about the rest of it when he shows you how much he thinks of you like this.

It’s mixed. At the start he said he doesn’t do gifts which I accepted but then he bought me expensive perfume. Most birthdays theres been nothing but he’s paid for a meal or, with a great deal of help, flowers. But it’s so forced! For a special birthday, he bought me a beautiful diamond (not engagement) ring and his parents got me a matching piece of jewellery. For his birthdays I started by modelling the behaviours that come naturally to me -made the effort to go over & took a moderate gift. But after his meanness I’ve cut right back and started spending the money on myself.

I’ve told him it makes me feel taken for granted but I don’t think it goes through to him. Maybe that’s why he was moody, he was probably shocked I pulled him up on it.

He bought me flowers because we were near a florist and he had my help (he’s not from this country). No gift. I told him this is upsetting. Not the gift but more more the recognition of the special event.

on one of the evenings abroad with one friend I pulled him up on his tightwad ways & he paid for all our coffees.

it makes it all so unbalanced and petty.

He is moody because he doesn’t want to keep his part of the agreement and put his hand in his pocket.

I’m guessing the house you have there is your holiday home and he is someone who lives in that resort. So almost like a long term holiday romance which unfortunately are often transactional if not outright scams.

I’m not trying to insult you so if I have offended you, I apologise. But if there is any truth in my guess, please give your situation with him some cold, objective thought.

But back to my question. Why was he so moody? I’m interested in how he is justifying it to himself.

No offence taken, thank you for comments, this is helpful and our posts crossed. Yes he doesn’t like that I’m pulling him up on it.

No it’s not a holiday home, I live in both places and we are both from there. I’m over here for work but grew up here some of the time. We were childhood friend although there are similarities to holiday romances. Not a scam. We text frequently, he calls every night (apart tonight!) and generally, it would be a solid relationship if it wasn’t for his miserly mentality. Yes, he makes it transactional so I’ve responded in the same way.

I mean, is it anxiety? It’s not like I’m dependent on him. Maybe it is a way of deflecting responsibility.

If he huffs and puffs enough then next time you won't ask him to contribute. That's why he does it.

He clearly wants you to pay for everything. Otherwise he would be contributing all the way along, not waiting for you to raise it.

I would think very carefully about continuing the relationship. He sounds like the kind of person who will only contribute the things that he wants to contribute. So DIY because he likes doing that. Am I right?

That means that when the chips are down and you really need him, he will only be there for you if he feels like it, not because that's the right thing to do and because he cares for you. Don't wait until you face a medical emergency or other issue. Surround yourself now and put time and effort into people who are willing to support you even if its not convenient for them.

I’m glad you didn’t find my post offensive. Thank you for explaining a bit more about your situation.

Something that has puzzled me years is why we hold partners to lower standards than we do friends. If it was a friend of yours pulled this kind of financial fuckery I bet you wouldn’t stand for it for long. Shouldn’t we expect to be treated at least as well, if not better,by a partner as we expect from friends?

With the long history you have with him it might be difficult to change the dynamics now but if he values that history he should be open to trying.

Considering your update it doesn’t sound like a scam, but it definitely sounds like he’s doing it so that you stop asking. I’m not sure what makes people miserly, but I don’t think it really matters as the effect on you is the same either way.

It’s interesting he said “no gifts” right at the beginning of your relationship. And it’s interesting you accepted that if you’re not really happy with it.

Because he's a twat.

Please leave him.