Asked him to pay his half. Why so moody?

[thecallforreparations]

Been together 4 years. We don’t live together, LDR he’s in a different country where I have a house.

He came here for 2 weeks and I suggested a weekend break. He said yes, I paid for flights & hotel on the understanding he’d get the meals. On arrival, we did dinner with mutual friends who live in this place, he didn’t budge when the bill arrived so I paid. Day 2 I got most things. In the evening he got dinner. Day 3 he did pay for us to see a landmark that afternoon but I organised and paid for dinner which was in a special place, which he enjoyed very much.

I got all petrol, paid for parking at airport, etc and during his stay at my house paid for various special food shops & a trip to London, train tickets and dinner.

So he’s gone to his place now and brags to all about this trip. But didn’t credit me, or treat me with much affection, all a bit routine & half hearted.

Given the lack of credit, affection, and coughing up his share, I suggested he even up and pay his half of the main part of the trip, so his flight & hotel stay. It was was a few hundred quid. He finally did so late this evening, but refused to speak to me, claimed he was so tired from making the transaction. Very moody over it. First I felt too guilty to ask for the cash but the more I reflected and the worse he treated me, the more it seemed disrespectful. Then I felt irritated, then resentful, and now I’m annoyed. Why shouldn’t he pay his way, with good grace? Must he huff and puff every time?

For the record, he has no kids, no ex spouses, owns his house & car, earns ok. I do earn more than him but work longer hours in a profession thst I trained a long time for, and I pay for everything myself, my house, bills, dcs. it was also my birthday and he didn’t buy any gift.

Help me to think this through. Was I unreasonable in asking him to cough up his share? I don’t want a kept man, and it’s not like we are married.

Previously went on a long haul holiday & he did pay me his ticket & hotel but I got all meals and trips once over there.

But after his meanness I’ve cut right back and started spending the money on myself.

You done well to cut right back. The perfume and diamond ring does sound like he did make an effort at one point. But the lack of consistency would irritate me.

I suspect he’s moody because a lot of the value he sees in you lies in your ability to subsidise things like holidays. His ego was likely inflated, a lot of men become super cocky when a woman pays for them. Because it’s a reversal of social norms, they see it as they must be so brilliant for a woman to pay for them. So you asking for his share is bursting his bubble.

I hate to say it Op but it doesn’t sound like he likes you anymore. His enjoyment of your company was dependent on you carrying the financial burden.

Well I’d not continue any further tbh.

but to give him the benefit of the doubt he came here to see you not go travelling elsewhere. He probably agreed in his head to pay for meals for you and him (not other people) only so that would be food for cooking at your house and a coffee out maybe. And a meal out for your birthday fish and chips would be fine.

also lack of gift is crap but he’s told you he doesn’t do that stuff.

He has some flaws. Don't know how you get along overall, but he does some stuff. I think it is easy to see things black and white and you should be on guard and also communicate with him. Why not bring this up and tell him how you felt, how this makes you feel. You didn't do anything wrong in asking and he should pony up more--but talk.

I think it's a red flag that the two of you agreed in advance to a specific, clear split of costs and responsibilities for the few days' side trip and he immediately failed to hold up his end (paying for all meals). Personally, I'd have handed him the bill during that first dinner out with friends when he waited so long to pick it up and then kept on just expecting him to pay for meals as promised. (I can possibly see giving him the benefit of the doubt if he's not familiar with customs in your country in case he was confused about splitting the bill or whether to offer to "treat" the friends, but he should have offered to pay you back for at least your meal and his afterwards without being prompted.) He should have automatically paid for every meal on that trip for both of you. If he won't pay for what is very clearly his portion that he specifically committed to without dramatics or manipulation, I'd assume he's going to avoid paying for everything he can. Whether or not you dump him for that is up to you but it sounds unpleasant and uncomfortable to me, especially with the boasting and the lack of affection on top.

how much did it cost him to travel to visit you in the first place? That should be a consideration when balancing the books.

When DH and I were dating we were long-distance, and I had to travel more often for very logical reasons. Since I was paying for plane tickets, he covered other expenses. If you looked at just the time I visited, it might have looked like I was taking advantage, but those tickets were extremely expensive. His paying for our day-to-day expenses didn’t even always balance things out enough to avoid him needing to give me money.

If travel expense isn’t an issue, then he is taking advantage and it’s a bad relationship. You just need to be sure you are looking at the big picture.

It says in the OP she paid for flights & hotel on the understanding that he would pay for meals. Then he didn’t pay for all the meals after agreeing.

This nails it op

it was also my birthday and he didn’t buy any gift.

Just re-iterating what another poster has said. If he doesn't put in effort for special days he doesn't love you, not really. You might be very convenient for him, he might enjoy your company a lot, he might love having sex with you. But if he doesn't pay for you, and doesn't make an effort on these days, I am sorry but he doesn't love you. Men like this change in an instant when they meet 'the One'. And that isn't you. You can afford to hire a handy man for around the house. I would not personally waste any more time on this.

And if you want to know why he was moody....it's because you have put up with this behaviour for too long and now all of a sudden you have a problem with it. So he is pissed. Look up 'Spoiled Pig Syndrome' Lena Durnham mentioned it on a podcast.

Yep, this! Always start as you mean to go on with men. Once a dynamic or status quo is established in a relationship men usually fight tooth and nail to keep it that way. They tend to resist changes in interpersonal relationships and aren’t good at reassessing things.

You say you don’t want a kept man. Unfortunately that’s what he thinks he is and what he wants to be. You’re not going to change that; he’s already fighting you by punishing you with his moodiness and sulks.

Who cares? He's a scrub.

Dump.

I think the simplest answer is usually the correct one he is miserly and mean and he doesn't seem to like you that much anymore.

Absolutely not unreasonable to ask him to pay his way.

I think you need to get rid.

He's acting like you need to pay him, in order to spend time with him.

Some people are just very miserly and he seems one of them. My daughter broke up with a boyfriend over this same issue, and he was lovely in other ways. - just had a real aversion to spending money. They fell out one holiday because she wanted to get a taxi to a restaurant she wanted to eat at, he begrudged paying for a taxi and sulked all evening. He also happily let her pay for most things and she also earns just slightly more than him, but with more outgoings too.

He is upset with you because you forced him to spend money, it’s as simple as that. You have to work out whether you can accept longer term being with someone who has such a strange attitude to money. I understand it’s hard if beyond this one issue, he’s a good partner.

The old saying mean with money mean with love also applies here op. Do consider your own future within this because you will just be in for more if the same from him. His moodiness towards you is emotional abuse and for that reason too this should be at an end. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Was a parent similarly mean too?.

"it would be a solid relationship if it wasn’t for his miserly mentality."

That really is all there is to it. He's miserly. I would ditch him, this is not a personality trait that changes.

Such men make for being poor as partners too because their meanness overshadows everything
else.

And he does this too because he can.

He sounds awful but I don’t think you are helping the situation by often paying for things. It sounds like you have a bit of awkwardness over money and who pays for things too.

Im not sure I’d want to continue having a relationship with him but if you do why don’t you start being proactive about talking about money. Tell him that you find the current situation annoying and propose that in future you both split everything all the time. It’s so easy to do. Make it normal for your relationship.

It takes seconds to transfer money. It would take all the awkwardness away. Not being able to talk about money easily with someone you have been with for four years is not good.

It looks as if you're trying to find a way to justify him and stay in the relationship. A miser rarely changes. Personally, I'd never been able to stay with a man who behaves like this, but as I said, you seem to be asking for a way to justify his actions, so probably any suggestion to get rid of him will go over your head...

There is no deep analysis to be done here, he’s tight and miserly and wants you to pay for everything snd it pisses him right off thay you made him pay his way as he thought he was getting everything for free.