How do I move on from DH’s potential emotional affair?

[CoffeeRevelsfan]

I posted back in September after my DH had a bizarre reaction to a teams message popping up on his work computer in front of me. It then transpired that he had a ‘confidante’ relationship with a woman at work (Joanna) that he had kept secret from me. The overwhelming response from MN was that he was definitely cheating and I should leave him.

Now that a few a weeks have passed and I’ve had time to think and process it all, I don’t think was was having a physical affair but I do think he’d overstepped the mark with Joanna and was probably in the beginnings of an emotional affair. He tells me they have spoken and agreed to keep all contact work related and no more - I didn’t ask him to do that, it’s something he’d chosen himself.

I am struggling with how I feel. DH has been very attentive and affectionate, but my trust has been broken and it bothers me that he sees her whenever he’s in the office. I’ve thrown in the odd dig when we’ve had crossed words, things along the line of “have a lovely day with Joanna” when he’s in the office. If he’s WFH, I immediately look at his computer screen if I go into his office. I have noticed that he locks his computer when he leaves the home office - this is a new thing since I found out. I hate feeling like this. I’ve never had cause for worry over things like this before. I’ve never checked his phone and still wouldn’t, but this unsettled feeling is making me second guess everything.

How do you move on and rebuild trust? It’s in the back of my mind that had I not of happened to walk into his office upstairs at that moment and seen the message pop up, they would still be messaging in secret. It’s only stopped as I found out, not because he chose to stop. That hurts.

I think have the third party that won’t accept stonewalling etc can be helpful. But he needs to realise the importance of the sessions and be willing to engage. Not sure he sounds like he’d be willing to do that.

OP, firstly I want to send hugs, as I've been there.

Secondly, I'm afraid if he remains at this company, you both won't move on. My DH had to leave his job, as I couldn't face him being around the OW. He did it, and arranged the therapy. He took it seriously, but even then, there will always be doubt in my mind. Has taken me years to come to terms with it.

Sadly, most people whose heads are easily turned won't stop. They'll find better ways to hide what they're doing. If it isn't her, it'll be someone else, and he'll see himself as a victim.

He needs to address this in couples therapy. Mine charmed the therapist (as a few people have already said recently from their own experiences), so be prepared for puppy dog eyes. Ultimately, if he can't see where he's going wrong, absolutely NOTHING will change. I'm sorry you also got a partner who strays.

Also be prepared for the drip feed. He swore there was nothing physical during the time I was white with rage. Over weeks, out came the confessions a little at a time about what they actually did!!

Sorry op. I'm sure you know this already but I believe there's no such things as 'emotional affairs'. They are simply the start of affairs that haven't turned physical yet (either because they haven't had a chance or the offenders haven't quite decided to make the leap and are still lying to themselves. I say this as someone who engaged in a full blown affair with a colleague and told myself for about a year it was fine and just a bit of flirting/friendship. Good close platonic friends of the opposite sex wouldn't be kept secret. You're in a rubbish position where your husband has had an affair and still hasn't admitted it, probably even to himself. I can't see a way out, especially when he's still working with her. So really your either stay knowing (and lots do for convenience/keeping family together/finances) or leave if you can't accept it.

You can leave.

You don't have to care for him
Don't allow what other people would think to ruin what is left of your life. If anyone asks, tell them the truth.