How do I move on from DH’s potential emotional affair?

[CoffeeRevelsfan]

I posted back in September after my DH had a bizarre reaction to a teams message popping up on his work computer in front of me. It then transpired that he had a ‘confidante’ relationship with a woman at work (Joanna) that he had kept secret from me. The overwhelming response from MN was that he was definitely cheating and I should leave him.

Now that a few a weeks have passed and I’ve had time to think and process it all, I don’t think was was having a physical affair but I do think he’d overstepped the mark with Joanna and was probably in the beginnings of an emotional affair. He tells me they have spoken and agreed to keep all contact work related and no more - I didn’t ask him to do that, it’s something he’d chosen himself.

I am struggling with how I feel. DH has been very attentive and affectionate, but my trust has been broken and it bothers me that he sees her whenever he’s in the office. I’ve thrown in the odd dig when we’ve had crossed words, things along the line of “have a lovely day with Joanna” when he’s in the office. If he’s WFH, I immediately look at his computer screen if I go into his office. I have noticed that he locks his computer when he leaves the home office - this is a new thing since I found out. I hate feeling like this. I’ve never had cause for worry over things like this before. I’ve never checked his phone and still wouldn’t, but this unsettled feeling is making me second guess everything.

How do you move on and rebuild trust? It’s in the back of my mind that had I not of happened to walk into his office upstairs at that moment and seen the message pop up, they would still be messaging in secret. It’s only stopped as I found out, not because he chose to stop. That hurts.

I would consider contacting Joanna, telling her what messages you've seen, ask how she feels about them knowing he is married to you. Those type of "relationships" usually don't stand up to any light shone on them. Is she single? Might force both their hands. Everyone is right in saying he only supposedly stopped because you found out. And it really up to him to do the work to gain back your trust, the locked screen being one of them. Just say my boundary is - no locked phone or screens. Whether you choose to accept that boundary for yourself is up to you. I'm not telling you what you can or can not do, but that is MY boundary.

I remember your other thread OP.
If his is still working with this woman I don't see how you can get over this. You will never be able to trust him.

Alternatively, as it's something he absolutely should have been doing all along, he's now aware that OP is likely to be hyper-vigilant, and therefore the chances of his work PC being inappropriately accessed are increased further still.

He has absolutely no reason to suddenly start doing this else

Yes, he absolutely does. OP is a massive walking security risk right now, even though she can not be blamed for being suspicious and curious.

If have divorced him and not given him a second chance to hurt you. Given you've not chosen to divorce him I'd have a secret camera put into his work room facing his computer. I'd need to know who this Joanna is and any messages he still sends to her. If I caught anything it would be divorce.

Unless he's worried about OP messaging someone...

Look OP, you can't continue a relationship with this level of resentment and passive aggression. Either you have it out and he takes takes full responsibility for his actions, you have counselling together or you split. Judging from your remarks, I don't really see a way past this.

He cheated on you. He hasn’t accepted any responsibility, admitted to wrongdoing or recognised the extent of the damage he has done. All he’s done is minimised it all and been on his best behaviour for a few weeks. Now he wants you to forget all about it and move on.

He hasn’t even taken the first step to try and rebuild your trust. Without this there is nowhere for you to go. You will keep going around the same circle until it breaks you. You deserve better.

If you really want to make it work maybe you could you go counseling? Do you think you will ever be able to trust him again? Although everyones experience is different, mine made me ill as I was never happy and always felt on edge.

I think marriage counselling would be a good start for us. You can’t really avoid awkward conversations when you’re in a room with a therapist. I love him, and this is the first time I’ve ever had reason to mistrust him, but feeling like this is consuming and wearing me down.

If you don’t have kids I’d leave him. If you have kids then try councilling and consider having an expectation he change jobs. But if you can’t get the trust back no shame in leaving and no shame not trying anymore from this point. 6 weeks with no sustained change and already dismissive of your worries? That says a lot

I know. You cannot think about anything else and it is constantly on your mind. This is what made me ill.

This says it all

Time…that’s the only thing that will help now. Over time it will work itself out.

You both need to work on your relationship, he needs to show you that he is sorry, but you have to try to let it go. Then allow time to do its thing.

I say this as someone whose life was ripped apart by an emotional affair, whose husband moved out for a month to allow us time to work out what we wanted. He never met his affair partner, it happened because he was falling apart during lockdown and after the death of his mum. He had counselling and got medicated for his depression, and never contacted her again. He moved to another role, and fortunately shortly afterwards she left the business entirely.

He showed me every day that he regretted his actions and he was committed to me, if he hadn’t then it wouldn’t have been able to work itself out. We would have separated without that. You need to ask yourself, is he doing what you need him to do in order for you to feel secure, if he is, then just trust that you can work through it, and give it time.

Please try not to lash out with smart comments, I did it all of the time and it didn’t help, it just hurt both of us. But we made it through and we are stronger than ever, we communicate better and we have rebuilt that trust.

Whatever you decide to do though, do it for yourself, not for the sake of him or your family. It has to be the right thing for you.

💐

You’re feeling weird because your intuition is giving you information. He is being unfaithful or has been, you just haven’t found conclusive proof of it.
I felt mentally unwell at best and absolutely insane at worst when my partner was cheating. Everything felt off. I had no evidence, until later.

That said, several years on and I have a different view of life and relationships. Which includes a belief that decades long monogamy is not realistic or even healthy for most people.

I really feel for you. You’re in a horrible place with this.

You won’t be able to build trust just carrying on as you are - you need marriage counseling and he needs to change jobs, willingly.

If he chooses to stay in his job.. well.. tells you a lot doesn’t it. I’d expect exemplary behaviour from now on and for both of you to attend marriage counseling willingly and with complete transparency.

I have been through something somewhat similar in the past; your relationship will never be the same again, but it can become stronger in some ways because you recognize the flaws and weaknesses better in each other and can learn to become much better at communicating. This is what can shock-proof you and your marriage in future.
wishing you lots of luck xx

Just a follow up because this stood out…why marriage counselling? The problem isn’t the marriage, it’s his behaviour. If you need the counselling as a couple then fine, but it strikes me that he needs the counselling to understand why he was so disrespectful.

If he can’t admit that what he has done is cheating, and if he can’t comprehend how you are suffering, then I can’t understand how you can continue. He needs to understand the gravity of what he has done, until he acknowledges that, how can you believe he is sorry

Because it gives a set time and space where she can ask questions, he can also attend alone if necessary and it keeps everyone accountable to the appointments and having a third person present who can ask the right questions and ensure communication can happen. You won’t get the same just sat talking at home alone.

OP as someone who was in a similar position with my now exDH, I would say you’ll never get trust back unless he’s completely open and honest about the true nature of it all. Without him doing that your instincts are telling you something isn’t quite right, don’t ignore those feelings.

The relationship is destined to fail based on your behaviour described here, rather than his initial 'bad' behaviour.

If you want it to work and to move on from it, then that applies to you too. If you can't, which is entirely reasonable, then right now you are just dragging out the inevitable, and need to get on and end it.

So he has a female colleague that he gets on well with at work and this is all you have on him. Poor guy!

I have male colleagues that I talk about all sorts with - relationships, health, kids, dogs, houses, my menopause, their wifes menopause, drive them mad with feminism etc. I'm with them for 12 hours in close proximity (paramedic) so we aren't going to sit in silence. Some I've even met outside work for hobbies, in the same way they would a male colleague/ friend and I would a female colleague/friend, we occasionally exchange messages - some ultiltarian, some funny.

So far I've fucked none of them!

No, you’ve not read my original post. I’ll copy it below and if you like you could just filter to my updates.

He’s worked in mixed work places for as long as I’ve know him, and I’ve never had an issue with any female friend or colleague. This was different. He openly mentions and talks about the other women he works with, but never once mentioned Joanna’s name. Female friendships are absolutely fine, secret friendships where you absolutely shit yourself when a message pops up in front of your wife are something quite different. If the friendship is special enough to be called a confidante then why wouldn’t you ever mention this person to your partner? His reaction to the message was the issue which then led to a lie, gas lighting and deletion of everything.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5578413-i-think-ive-just-caught-my-husband-cheating

He is as guilty as sin. For my own sanity I would be considering divorce.
I caught my ex husband when I turned up at his work unexpectedly at lunchtime since I was in town anyway. The sheer panic on his face when he told " colleague I was his WIFE with great emphasis and her face dropped. He was in his 40s and she was 20!!!
They don't meekly stop, they just get sneaky at hiding hiding their tracks.
Sorry you are going through this.

The fundamental problem here is that he’s guilty and is a liar. I think you know that deep down. You’re working so hard trying to fix this. He’s still hiding and lying.

I guarantee those messages he deleted were very very damning.

Have you and your husband had a conversation about why he felt the need to have an emotional affair? Your husband needs to be completely honest and transparent with you. This means, he needs to tell you why this behaviour happened! If he's unhappy, then he needs to say. Without getting to and working on the root cause, you can't even begin to claw back any trust.

Your husband is the one who should be bending over backwards to repair the damage he's caused. He should be looking for another job (I know that's not easy in the current economic climate) or departments, booking therapy for himself and making sure he's focused on you and his family.

Locking the computer when he goes into the office, is not the way to go! He might as well put a neon sign on the computer saying 'I'm still hiding something'!! Even if he isn't, it looks like he is! That's not behaviour that's going to build trust. If he thinks showing you a bit of affection is all it's going to take, then he's not interested in his marriage. He's remorseful at being caught, not for his behaviour.

@Sassylovesbooks yes, we’ve talked a lot about what happened. He’s adamant that it’s not an emotional affair, but then when I googled and read the definition of an emotional affair to him he went quiet. He can’t tell me why he he was messaging Joanna and kept her completely secret, he simply says “I don’t know”. Same as his reaction, he simply tell me he “panicked and it was a knee jerk reaction” but can’t/won’t tell me what caused that reaction. Had I of had previous form for being suspicious or untrusting, or accusing him of things then maybe that would explain it - but this is the first time ever! I don’t mind female friendships, that doesn’t bother me at all. The fact he’s purposely kept it completely secret is the issue.

If you’ve discussed with a colleague intimate information about your spouse (when you knew they wouldn’t want you to) and you delete messages which you think could be construed as, your word, ‘flirty’ - congratulations! You’re a shit partner.