How do I move on from DH’s potential emotional affair?

[CoffeeRevelsfan]

I posted back in September after my DH had a bizarre reaction to a teams message popping up on his work computer in front of me. It then transpired that he had a ‘confidante’ relationship with a woman at work (Joanna) that he had kept secret from me. The overwhelming response from MN was that he was definitely cheating and I should leave him.

Now that a few a weeks have passed and I’ve had time to think and process it all, I don’t think was was having a physical affair but I do think he’d overstepped the mark with Joanna and was probably in the beginnings of an emotional affair. He tells me they have spoken and agreed to keep all contact work related and no more - I didn’t ask him to do that, it’s something he’d chosen himself.

I am struggling with how I feel. DH has been very attentive and affectionate, but my trust has been broken and it bothers me that he sees her whenever he’s in the office. I’ve thrown in the odd dig when we’ve had crossed words, things along the line of “have a lovely day with Joanna” when he’s in the office. If he’s WFH, I immediately look at his computer screen if I go into his office. I have noticed that he locks his computer when he leaves the home office - this is a new thing since I found out. I hate feeling like this. I’ve never had cause for worry over things like this before. I’ve never checked his phone and still wouldn’t, but this unsettled feeling is making me second guess everything.

How do you move on and rebuild trust? It’s in the back of my mind that had I not of happened to walk into his office upstairs at that moment and seen the message pop up, they would still be messaging in secret. It’s only stopped as I found out, not because he chose to stop. That hurts.

Sadly, from experiences I know of, he's probably just put the relationship on pause

They say in therapy, don't they, that you've got to be angry when it happens because if you don't get really angry upondiscovery and try to be cool,, that this just builds up with you and you never feel that you've actually processed it together as a couple.

Did you actually force him to reveal every single detail and show all the messages as well? This is always alleged to be good, but I don't know. I'm not a therapist.

I got angry, I got shouty and I demanded to see the messages…all of which had been deleted as he ‘panicked’. I’ll copy the thread incase anyone wants to read how it all unravelled.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5578413-i-think-ive-just-caught-my-husband-cheating?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

the only way to move on and see if you can rebuild trust is for him to hold himself accountable and do everything in his power to rebuild the relationship, including moving jobs to one where he will have no contact. He should be bending over backwards to rebuild the relationship with you. Him arranging therapy for himself and the both of you, whatever it takes but the onus for rebuilding trust is on him. If he is not doing these things, he is not taking responsibility for the damage.
Anything less than this and you will always wonder and it will eat away at you over the years. You may get better at pushing it down but it will always be there and that's no way to live.

If he is locking his computer then he has something to hide, especially as this wasnt something he did before.

In my experience I doubt this is the end of "Joanna" and he didn't chose to end it, so he had no intention of doing so. Also (in my experience) most women never move on. Personally I wouldn't believe a word he says.

I imagine they are still messaging, he will just have got more sneaky about it. For starters, why is he locking the home computer, thats dodgy as hell. Honestly, if they are still working together nothing will have changed.

If he won't take concrete actions to rebuild your trust through transparency and openness and healthy communication, he's giving you lip service only. That makes you feel unsafe in your marriage.

He hasn't explored why he was willing to have an EA and reach outside his marriage for connection with another woman. That means it's likely to happen again or could still be happening.

This is possibly time for marital therapy. It will treat the relationship and work for you to find that safe ground. At least with therapy, you can see whether reaching a place where you feel safe in your marriage is even possible.

But I don't think he's been honest with you and you don't have the full story. He's still working with her and has taken steps to keep you from seeing how they're interacting. That doesn't scream accountability and openness and transparency.

Everybody should lock their work screen when they are away from their desk, whether at home or in the office, it's basic security.

My computer locks automatically when I'm away from the screen. It's just common sense to do this as it prevents accidental input. Same reason there is nothing inherently nefarious about people having security locks on their phones.

The reason why this sort of thing is unforgivable, even if they didn't sleep together, is because he's one of the many men who want to monkey branch their way from one relationship to another. You have to tolerate the lying and denials as he slowly creeps his way across, trying to cover his tracks as he does so. He doesn't want to be overt about at this point, because he wants to be sure before he leaves you, or, he just wants to have his cake and eat is and continue with both of you indefinitely.

I don't think you can rebuild trust in this scenario unless they stop working together, and even then, it might not come back at all as you'll be waiting for the next pretty woman that turns his head in the workplace.

Name changed for this. I found out that my husband was having an emotional affair- with his ex affair partner from his first marriage. I hadn’t known that he’d had an affair, didn’t do my due diligence I suppose. He told me that he’d put a stop to it, etc, etc, but what he actually did was tell the OW that they would ‘have to be more circumspect’. He never did put a stop to it. I found all this out years later when he developed dementia.
OP, only you know your husband but I wish I’d made the decision to finish with mine at that point. I’m now his carer.

You asked, “how do you move on and rebuild trust?”

He’s the one who needs to rebuild it. So is HE asking that question and trying to figure it out? Is he asking you what you need? Or has he drawn a line under it already?

He was initially very affectionate and attentive, that has tailed off now and he is acting like nothing ever happened. I don’t think he understands that I can’t just forget about it. I asked whether he had any contact with her yesterday and he looked a bit peeved and shook his head. I immediately pulled him up about it and reminded him that he is the reason I feel I need to ask these things.

⬆️ the organisation l work for insists on this

Hmm that’s convenient for him. I would also advocate for you putting the onus on him, you haven’t done anything wrong so you don’t need to do anything e.g. moving on / putting it behind you, building trust etc. Unless you want to separate or divorce. The mass deleting of messages is very suspect

@CoffeeRevelsfan Has he admitted to the emotional affair? As he committed himself to complete transparency of phones and any laptop’s communication?

Good grief, that’s awful to have to live with, what a place to be put in.

I presume you’ve decided that you being his carer is the best of a bunch of bad and worse options, but every sympathy.

OP I wonder if this sad tale helps - can you imagine if your DH suddenly needed care you’d provide it willingly and with love after what he’s done/doing?

I don’t think you always can get over it. Especially when your DH wants you to sweep it all under the carpet.

‘I have noticed that he locks his computer when he leaves the home office - this is a new thing since I found out.’
Leaving aside the argument he should be doing this anyway, the fact is that he wasn’t, and now he is, and honestly if that doesn’t tell you he’s maintaining the same level of inappropriate communication, I don’t know what would. He has absolutely no reason to suddenly start doing this else.

Only 6 weeks and he is already at the eye rolling, looking peeved stage and hasn't managed to maintain any sort of meaningful change. That doesn't bode well.

Trust is fragile. It takes years of consistency to truly rebuild trust, and every mistake (he makes) sets you back, not necessarily to zero, but back and then takes longer to get back to where you were. He is the one who has to show consistent change and that he is deserving of your trust.

Is he busy googling how to? Or looking for advice? What is he doing? Or is it all on you? Which is him taking you for granted already and not really being willing to do the work. Like others have said, he may well be hiding it better rather than have stopped completely.

In your shoes, I would explore what separation/divorce would look like. Make sure you understand all your financials. You don't have to act on it, but make sure you know where you stand.

No, he’s not admitted an emotional affair. He said they became friends and then confidantes, and the messages could be “construed” as flirtatious. He’s told me numerous times that he doesn’t find her attractive, which again raises my suspicions as if the friendship was purely platonic, whether he fancied her or not would be irrelevant.

You need to find a way of living with this if you’re unwilling to end the relationship, I guess.

He’s made it plain by his shady actions that nothing’s going to change. So you find a way to cope, or you separate as amicably as you can. There’s no third option if he’s refusing to give up the “friendship”, which seems to be the case.

It’s tough and I feel for you. A committed man would’ve been transparent and would’ve cut contact with Joanna. I wish he’d been more like that OP.

So the only thing he's done is lock down his home computer and throw a few crumbs of affection your way. You rugswept this and he expects you to be over it already while he's still working with her and not accepting a countability and not taking any steps to show you he can be trusted.

See what he says about marriage counseling. What would be your goal, to regain trust? What would be his goal, because I don't think he's willing to be open and accountable. I think his goal has been to shut you down about this, not to acknowledge that his actions made you lose that trust and work to get it back.

That's why this is still bothering you. He's not interested in making you feel safe.

I agree with @RedThroatedWarbler , you need to see what divorce would look like.

Well then in my experience you won’t be able to move past it. He is minimising what happened. You have had no sight of what actually happened and he is not admitting to any wrong doing. How can you move past it and have a healthy relationship under these circumstances? I don’t believe that is possible . Platonic relationships don’t have deleted messages. I surely don’t have any deleted messages on my phone.