My mum hates my dad?

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My Mum and Dad (67 & 70) were visiting last week. They live in Ireland I live in Scotland. The tension between them was awful the whole time. They were here to celebrate Mum’s birthday, and although she seemed enjoy it, and was always cheerful and sweet with her children and grandchildren, she was so mean to my dad the whole time.

He couldn’t say a thing without being snapped at, or some snarky remark made. She’s so cross with him if he makes a minor mistake (eg referring to a made bed as having Hospital corners, mum snaps back saying it’s Hotel corners and huffs and sighs dramatically)

I just feel so sad for my Dad. This is not new behaviour, although this weekend was extreme. Mum has always been a sulker and gives the silent treatment when someone disagrees with her. I’ve been on the receiving end of it myself growing up, and as an adult, and it’s torture.

We all walk on eggshells around her, and the one time I tried to suggest she might want to ease off my Dad she walked off visibly upset and then went and gave him hell (whispering, but I could see their reflection in the tv). So I’m worried about my interventions making things worse for my Dad now, but I’m so upset seeing how he gets treated.

I know I don’t know everything about their relationship, and maybe he’s done something awful to her (very doubtful, he’s gentle and lovely) but I can’t imagine that he’s done anything to deserve this treatment.

Any advice on how to approach this with my mum? She is not a bad person, and is very loving to everyone else in the family. She hates confrontation and is very very emotional. Im on the verge of tears thinking about my dad having to deal with her alone.

Would it be a good idea for me to say that she cannot behave like that in my house, and in front of my children, as I want them to grow up with examples of loving relationships, and her behaviour is an unacceptable way of treating someone you love.

please be nice I’m feeling fragile

I know a couple like this. She hates him. Her had an affair, she can't forgive him (it happened a few years ago) and as a result she can be quite awful to him.

To be honest, I woud bypass your mum and see if you can speak to your dad on his own. Ask if he is ok, tell him you hate to see him treated like this by your mum. And if he is ok and accepts this behaviour then there is nothing you can do but yes, just say to them you find it stressful when they are in your house and you don't want your kids thinking that is a normal relationship and just meet outside the house.

Sorry OP, it must be awful.

No advice but my mum was horrible to my dad too. Total bitch. Horrible atmosphere. He died 5 years ago and she’s still in deep mourning and lamenting him as the best man to ever walk the earth.

I don’t understand it and never will. She lives other side of the country so luckily I don’t have to see her much. (She’s not that nice to anyone to be honest, but was particularly awful to dad).

As an aside, hospital corners is actually correct, is it not?

Tell her that.

MIL is horrible to FIL. Just constant sniping. It was his 70th recently and he was saying a few words with all the family gathered and she was making snarky comments and interrupting him the whole time. It’s vile and makes me really not want to spend time with them. I’m sorry OP.

I don't think there's any point in talking to your mother - the person to talk to is your dad. She's not going to change at this point. It's up to him to make a decision as to whether he stays with her or not. You could let him know that you see how she treats him, it bothers you and you would like to support him.

I would also stop walking on eggshells around her. My mother used to be touchy as hell and a sulker - though not as bad as yours - and I just stopped indulging her. If she sulked or went silent I just kept talking to her as though she were behaving like an adult. If she got all touchy and passive aggressive I ignored her. At one point I hinted that bad behaviour would mean she saw her GCs less (I didn't like doing this but I was a bit desperate). That worked - she realised I wasn't going to endlessly put up with her childish tantrums and she would have to behave herself. She's still a total pain in the arse but much more pleasant overall.

My MIL is exactly like this with my FIL. It makes me not want to see her at all and I have cancelled holidays with them this year. I don't want to be complicit in what I view as abuse. Such toxicity. Not sure where it comes from or what the answer is, OP. I don't know why this is such a common thing.

It sounds to me as if she uses "very emotional" as a tool to get her own way.

I guess if you say something, she'll turn on the waterworks and then you'll feel bad and nothing else will change? My MIL is like this but thankfully FIL left her. It was much nicer seeing him on his own rather than the incessant bickering that would occur when they were together.

Hospital corners is correct.

I agree with PP. Speak to your dad.

It's their dynamic to manage. You don't really know how they are when alone.

I would be instigating some time alone when they are with you.
Ie. You take your mother to a garden shop and coffee and your DH takes Dad for a round of golf, a pint, to the soccer etc.
Give your Dad a mini break.
It will also give them something new to discuss once they are alone.

My Mum was vile to my stepdad, every time he spoke she’d tell him to be quiet and that he was being stupid. She’d huff when he said stuff and tell us she was sick of him and wished he’d move out. He died earlier this year and now she just cries about how much she misses him, she’s a fucking disgrace and I hope she feels guilty every day for how she treated him.

I've always said 'hospital corners' too. But I don't think your mum would take correction well, would she, OP?

My mum was always very 'down' on my dad. He doted on her but she could be very cold and dismissive of him. When dementia started to creep in she actually got a lot nicer and it seemed to soften her edges.

In her case she'd been brought up very judgemental and it was always assumed by her family that she'd 'married beneath her', so I thought that those attitudes must have rubbed off on her. They stayed married until Dad died, and she seemed bereft once he'd gone.

Sad to see this is so common - my parents are like this, they have been for years. I visit once a week and always come back a little sad that this is their life. My Mum is so lovely to everyone - except my Dad. He is very deaf now so a lot of the time she just doesn't bother talking to him/telling him anything. She will also talk over him and criticize him. Now my Dad is no angel, he can be stubborn and will also criticize my Mum - but usually it will be about her behaviour towards him (which is justified!) I have called it out over the years though nothing has changed. Sometimes I have to specifically sit them down before a planned family day out or event and say "you will be nice to each other today" like some weird role reversal and they are children arguing in the back of the car!

Sadly you don’t know what might have happened years ago. ( dynamics were similar with my parents and it ultimately transpired that this sweet lovely man who everyone thought was lovely had in fact had an affair which lasted for 5 years but they ultimately stayed together. It oh the bitterness whenever my DM perceived a slight by my DDad or if he disagreed with her). I’m not sure that talking to your mum will help. All you can do with her is call her out every time she behaves inappropriately. Don’t shout or argue just in a calm voice call out her childish appalling behaviour , how it is affecting everyone and that it will not be tolerated in your home. Yes threaten she will not be welcome in the future if it carries on and mean it.

separately talk to your dad to let him know you have observed this ongoing behaviour and see if he will open up about how it makes him feel etc. ultimately no one knows what is going on or has gone on in someone else’s relationship but by talking to him you might get to understand what is happening and also gently help him to understand that by tolerating this he is actually enabling your mum’s ongoing bad behaviour and why it might be escalating because he isn’t challenging it.

It's usually better to talk to the victim of the abuse rather than the abuser. Do you get the chance to talk to your father without your mother there?

This seems normal to me and I can see most marriages end up this way. It’s absolutely awful to witness.

Your dad is trapped by the way. They both know this.

Know lots of couples like this.
Wonder if it repressed emotions coming to the surface, women didn’t have it easy in the 70’s & 80’s.
Not making an excuse for it as it’s awful but there must be a reason because it’s so common.

MIL is like this, she is so controlling picks out fil clothes every day and sighs having to do it.
He wouldn’t care what he wore!

In your shoes I would advise your dad to take back some of his autonomy. Do things for himself and be more independent outside the home, hobbies/clubs etc.

hey OP. My folks can sometimes be like this (with each other so slightly different). My kids are older now and we picking up on it, so I spoke to them both. I said that the behaviour they displayed made me and their grandchildren uncomfortable and didn't enjoy their last visit. From now on, they behave civilly and pleasant to each other whilst with me, or they would be told to leave my home. Since then it has been so much better. They do still sometimes slip back but it takes a firm warning from me, and they then behave better. You cannot make people change how they are, but you can have clear boundaries about what you will/will not be ok with.

Its becoming clearer to me the truth about long marriages.

I agree with the idea of bypassing your mum and asking your Dad directly if there is anything you can do to support him.

Perhaps he can come and visit you and your DC alone for a short time as some sort of respite.

I would also suggest that you point out to your Mum that she is being very sharp/short/snappy etc. I wouldn't frame it as "you are horrible to Dad" - I would say maybe "Mum you were quite short in front of the kids towards Dad then - is everything ok?"

Even as I type that it sounds pathetic because what you really want to say (I imagine) is STOP BEING MEAN. But that won't go down well. So maybe a gentler, more round the houses approach might be better.

I don't want to speculate about your Mum. There may be a very reasonable cause for her anger. It could be hormonal changes or it is possible that your Dad did something very painful / wounding to her. I am not sure if you will ever really be able to ask her or get a full answer.

So perhaps talk to your Mum and Dad separately and see if you get more insight.

Your point about wanting a healthy environment for your kids is very valid but perhaps you need to talk to your parents first before you bring that point out.

My maternal grandparents were like this. My paternal grandparents (who I lived with from 7) took me to visit a few times and at 8 I asked afterward why they lived together when they clearly hated each other.

I learned when I was older that it had been the other way round when they were younger - he’d been rude, snappy and controlling. Then one day she snapped and told him to fuck off and she became the boss of the house. They were heartbroken when they ended up in separate care homes. I found it baffling as they were so contemptuous of each other but also deeply in love.

Worth checking with your dad that he’s ok as your mum won’t listen to you, but some couples just seem to end up like that. It’s sad. I think when the respect is gone it’s horrible.

It’s hard to know how to approach it with either your mum or your dad without getting in too deep and maybe hearing stuff you’d rather they’d kept to themselves - but the next time DM starts putting your dad down in your company I’d start by saying, er no thanks, we don’t have that kind of negativity in this house… Or, not in front of the kids please, mum, or similar. If it carried on, I’d take them aside together and tell them that whatever their issues are, they can’t behave like that around your family.

Thanks all, I truly appreciate everyone’s advice and support. Indeed, as a PP put it, the respect is gone, and I think that’s what disgusts me.

A further question then, if indeed my dad did do something hurtful in the past, is mums behaviour acceptable? In my view, the transgression should either be worked through to get back to a loving relationship, or, both parties accept they can’t work through it and separate. Is there any possible situation where Mum’s behaviour could be justifiable?

I do think I’d rather not know if something like an affair has occurred, but maybe it would help to know, so I can advise on how to heal the wound?

No, your mother's behaviour is not acceptable, irrespective of what your father may or may not have done, because she is making it into everyone else's problem.

I agree with PPs that you should talk to your father.

My parents were like this too. In fact I can remember coming home and telling my partner that it ever got to the point that we spoke to each other with that much disrespect and scorn, it was time to go our seperate ways. They had no self awareness of it and would cheerfully insult and belittle each other in front of others, which was often excruciating. And yet if you tried to address it, they got very defensive and strangely, would start defending each other! so I know first hand how horrible it is. HOWEVER, it creates a fog if misery and ugliness and you are well within your rights to not want to have that set as an example of relationships to your children. Have a private word and tell them that you dislike this behaviour and wont tolerate it. And then the next time it happens in front of you, address it and tell your mum to cut it out and speak to your dad like hes a human being. If it embarrasses or offends her then tough. Dont put up with this horrible behaviour.

There is no justification or excuse for abuse and the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Your post is a reminder that some men are abused within marriage too and it is of no surprise that your mother uses abuse to control others like you her daughter. What if anything do you know about her childhood because that often gives clues. It may well be that one of her parents was abusive and she’s learnt from their example.

Your dad’s best option is to leave his abuser but he may feel both unable and unwilling to do so because he loves your mum. Their relationship however, is a toxic and destructive codependent one. You can give him details of domestic violence support agencies that help men but he may well shut down. It’s worth a go all the same but there is only so much you can do.