My mum hates my dad?

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My Mum and Dad (67 & 70) were visiting last week. They live in Ireland I live in Scotland. The tension between them was awful the whole time. They were here to celebrate Mum’s birthday, and although she seemed enjoy it, and was always cheerful and sweet with her children and grandchildren, she was so mean to my dad the whole time.

He couldn’t say a thing without being snapped at, or some snarky remark made. She’s so cross with him if he makes a minor mistake (eg referring to a made bed as having Hospital corners, mum snaps back saying it’s Hotel corners and huffs and sighs dramatically)

I just feel so sad for my Dad. This is not new behaviour, although this weekend was extreme. Mum has always been a sulker and gives the silent treatment when someone disagrees with her. I’ve been on the receiving end of it myself growing up, and as an adult, and it’s torture.

We all walk on eggshells around her, and the one time I tried to suggest she might want to ease off my Dad she walked off visibly upset and then went and gave him hell (whispering, but I could see their reflection in the tv). So I’m worried about my interventions making things worse for my Dad now, but I’m so upset seeing how he gets treated.

I know I don’t know everything about their relationship, and maybe he’s done something awful to her (very doubtful, he’s gentle and lovely) but I can’t imagine that he’s done anything to deserve this treatment.

Any advice on how to approach this with my mum? She is not a bad person, and is very loving to everyone else in the family. She hates confrontation and is very very emotional. Im on the verge of tears thinking about my dad having to deal with her alone.

Would it be a good idea for me to say that she cannot behave like that in my house, and in front of my children, as I want them to grow up with examples of loving relationships, and her behaviour is an unacceptable way of treating someone you love.

please be nice I’m feeling fragile

The only justifiable amount of abuse in a relationship is zero.

My parents were exactly the same. Deeply unhappy but would not divorce or separate as they viewed marriage as a life time commitment. My dad spent his days either at work or in the garden.
Mum died 4 years ago and my dad did everything for her when she was ill.
Some couples just stay together unfortunately.
Its horrible to watch them though.

It is hospital corners though? I'm team Dad

This sounds like a long standing personality style with your mum and dad so please try not to feel like there’s a lot you can actually do. Your dad knows how she treats him. They know it makes you feel uncomfortable but they are choosing this because their unhappiness is more important than anything else right now. You don’t need a narrative, an incident that makes it make sense. Your mum is harming your dad and your dad tolerates it. That’s all. you’re feeling your inability to shape people you want to be happy and that HURTS.

Even if you had any expertise in this you would not be the person to help them. That would be enmeshment. Your wisest move is counselling with a professional who understands dysfunctional families.

3luckystars

Not all marriages or relationships let alone long marriages are abusive but if you are around abuse and or have grown up with it this can affect your perception of marriage and relationships.

My father died of cancer earlier this year. My mother spent three years as his carer essentially, never getting a good night's sleep and towards the end not even being able to leave him unless there was someone else who could stay with him. There were elements of sniping at each other in their marriage before he became ill, but afterwards she was a complete rock and did everything she could to make sure he was well cared for.

She said she could do it because she knew all along she was going to lose him soon (it was an aggressive form of cancer) and so "it wouldn't be forever". It was all she could do for him, she couldn't stop the cancer.

Their marriage was not always the happiest. There was a huge imbalance of labour in many ways. My mum worked full-time but also did all the mental load stuff, all the cooking and most of the housework. She has spent her whole life being capable and taking care of others. She's never had time to focus on herself or her own interests. Inevitably there is some accumulated resentment amidst the grief. She sacrificed a lot of herself to keep her family and marriage going and tbh my father often took that sacrifice for granted and gave little in return. But they married at a time when marriage was for life, you stayed married until one of you died and anything else was selfish in the extreme.

It's no excuse for abusive behaviour, but relationships are complicated, especially as people get older. I don't think it's uncommon for some older women to become bitter under the weight of years spent caring for others in unbalanced, unrewarding relationships, especially when they reach retirement and their OH is always around. And if divorce is not seen as an option, there is no way out. Often their spouse is dependent on them too, to provide care or emotional support.

My mother used to get exasperated when the nurses would ask her to leave the room so they could ask my father "are you safe at home?". She understood the reason behind the request (so they could ensure he was not being abused as a vulnerable person), but to her way of thinking, she'd been up most of the night dealing with his pain and medication. Who exactly was going to provide care for her husband if he'd said he was not safe? She'd had to fight tooth and nail for twice daily carer visits as it was, hospice care had been refused and he needed constant care and monitoring. So she was really the only viable option, he'd just have to put up with her and the question was entirely pointless. I'm not saying I agree with this, but this was her view.

Sorry, I'm not sure what the point of this long spiel is. I guess it's that my parents had what outsiders would have viewed as a 'loving' relationship right to the end, and yet even loving relationships can be incredibly complicated and have elements that are unpleasant to them.

I know a few couples like this.
One recently the husband has ended it and apparently the wife is "blind-sided".
Everyone apart from her could see it coming.

It’s really hard isn’t it. My mum was verbally abusive to my dad and when I became an adult I couldn’t ignore it and called her out every single time. Mum turned on me but I have no regrets. My dad is no longer with us and my sisters kind of deny it happened.

My dad was a good, kind man who once explained to me that my mum had had an incredibly difficult childhood (extreme poverty, domestic violence), that he understood why she had anger issues and that he would always stand by her and not to worry about him.

When my 89 year old dad was in hospital recently, his bed was next to the nurse's station and a member of staff reported to social services that they heard my mum bullying my dad. They were concerned about when he went home to her. They phoned me about it and I said that she's always behaved like that and it was directed at me too my whole childhood. I used to feel sorry for my dad, but recently I've become weary of it as he's the only one who could have protected me as a child and he didn't.

Take his side in arguments? Tell her not to be so nasty when she says something rude to him? And tell her she should just listen to herself!

I'd have a chat with your dad first. See if he can shed any light on the situation. And tell him he's right, it IS hospital corners!

You don’t. At most you let your dad know privately that you can support him if he needs you (just in case of abuse) but other than that you butt out of it.

People argue and bicker for a number of reasons and you don’t know what theirs are. Leave them to it unless someone is at risk.

Ah this sounds awful. Could you take a different tack - “Mum, you seemed really on edge and snappy with Dad last time we saw you, is everything ok?” and take it from there. If she brushes it off maybe push a bit with “It really didn’t seem like everything WAS fine.” …

Same! I try to see them separately as much as I can.

I do not think one can truly know what goes on in someone else' marriage. The dm may be broken after years of being silently controlled by a df who had all the power. She may be bitter and finally losing her filter while he continues to hide his manipulative ways. At any rate this is what is happening to me and my dd always sides with her df who plays the victim. After 40 + years and financial control she may be stuck and miserable.

Do not play judge to your dp's relationship.

I would say most older couples I know have a similar dynamic to this. I assumed menopause played a role.

Yes you are correct my parents are extremely abusive to each other and worse and worse as they get older. It’s all I see now everywhere I look too. I don’t want it myself.

Only one friend of mine is happily married and still having sex and she is very much in charge 100% in that house and she rules the roost. Everyone else is miserable and stuck and hating it worse every day and I can see them all turning out like this, sniping at each other.

What a miserable existence.

This is a really interesting thread. My Mum is utterly frustrated with my Dad. I do believe as a pp said that it’s the resentments from when we were little. My dad thought he’d got away with parenting and did fuck all but he did earn enough for mum to be SAHM.

Only when he has grandkids he realised he’d missed out. To be fair has tried to be involved and has been a good grandfather. My sister sees things differently and is team dad .

Where as I can see mum was cleaver and organised, missed out on a promising career and did practically everything so is bitter. I also know dad still calls the shots on spending which my sister is blind too.

it’s sad and I only try to not end up like them

This is very good advice.

It's hospital corners . Team.dad .

Some people are like this when they're starting with dementia (overreaction to hospital corners, etc).

Bit like my ex wife, never saw it coming

Has there not been a sharp rise in elder divorce rates?

If I was you I would check in with your dad to make sure he is ok?

I think it’s also ok for you to challenge your mother on her treatment of him?!

If she does this in public what is she going to him behind closed doors?!

She sounds like torture!