My mum hates my dad?

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My Mum and Dad (67 & 70) were visiting last week. They live in Ireland I live in Scotland. The tension between them was awful the whole time. They were here to celebrate Mum’s birthday, and although she seemed enjoy it, and was always cheerful and sweet with her children and grandchildren, she was so mean to my dad the whole time.

He couldn’t say a thing without being snapped at, or some snarky remark made. She’s so cross with him if he makes a minor mistake (eg referring to a made bed as having Hospital corners, mum snaps back saying it’s Hotel corners and huffs and sighs dramatically)

I just feel so sad for my Dad. This is not new behaviour, although this weekend was extreme. Mum has always been a sulker and gives the silent treatment when someone disagrees with her. I’ve been on the receiving end of it myself growing up, and as an adult, and it’s torture.

We all walk on eggshells around her, and the one time I tried to suggest she might want to ease off my Dad she walked off visibly upset and then went and gave him hell (whispering, but I could see their reflection in the tv). So I’m worried about my interventions making things worse for my Dad now, but I’m so upset seeing how he gets treated.

I know I don’t know everything about their relationship, and maybe he’s done something awful to her (very doubtful, he’s gentle and lovely) but I can’t imagine that he’s done anything to deserve this treatment.

Any advice on how to approach this with my mum? She is not a bad person, and is very loving to everyone else in the family. She hates confrontation and is very very emotional. Im on the verge of tears thinking about my dad having to deal with her alone.

Would it be a good idea for me to say that she cannot behave like that in my house, and in front of my children, as I want them to grow up with examples of loving relationships, and her behaviour is an unacceptable way of treating someone you love.

please be nice I’m feeling fragile

No one likes to be called a bully, so call her it.

Mum, you’re being a bully.
Mum, you’re bullying again.

Keep telling her until it sinks in.

It is hospital corners…
My in laws are like this, I told my MIL that my children had asked why she was so mean to Grandpa…
He does have health conditions so I’m sure a lot of her exasperation comes from seeing him trying to deal with those, when she feels she isn’t being listened to she literally has no filter when coming out with with her retorts/comments.
After I told her that the children had asked about her behaviour she stopped doing it so much in our presence.
She still moans about him on the phone to DH but we don’t have to hear it.

Oh Lord OP
My mum was extremely verbally abusive to my dad with a vicious tongue, very very nasty indeed to him.
They were married in 1976 and finally in 2003 they split up, my dad actually asked HER to leave!
The stuff she said was absolutely dreadful. It must have been soul destroying for my dad. He was an absolute gentleman, a hard worker, earned well and was a fantastic dad.
They remained somewhat friends and could manage quite well when they were forced to be in the same room, for instance at my wedding.
Very sadly my lovely dad passed away in 2017 and she did her absolute best to make his funeral about her, like she was some grieving Quasi-Widow. Embarrassing.
I would not dream of speaking to my DP like that, with such sheer contempt.
She was never happy with her "lot", which is unreasonable as she had it far better than a lot of women back then (especially in the 70s)
My dad in later years said he thought her vile-ness stems from the fact she never wanted to be tied down with kids. She is the most unmaternal woman I've ever known.
She is a "How to" manual on how not to treat people and loved ones

Mine is exactly the same, I hate it 😥

I think, as others have said, that this is so common because of old fashioned gender roles and resentment stemming from this.

Therapy helped me realise that it isn't my responsibility to fix the problem. It helped me emotionally detach to an extent, challenge the behaviour rather than pander to it, and establish boundaries. I'd recommend it.

This must be difficult to witness OP but unless your dad is vulnerable in some way they're both adults so if I were you I'd just leave them too it. Presumably if your dad was that unhappy he'd have left by now.

She was never happy with her "lot", which is unreasonable as she had it far better than a lot of women back then (especially in the 70s)
My dad in later years said he thought her vile-ness stems from the fact she never wanted to be tied down with kids. She is the most unmaternal woman I've ever known.
She is a "How to" manual on how not to treat people and loved ones

I think a lot of older women were shoehorned into lives they didn't really want to live, because it was "the done thing", including having kids when they didn't really want to. I don't think it's unreasonable of them not to be happy with their "lot", but of course it's a crying shame for any children who suffered because they failed to put a brave face on it. It's much better that there is no stigma attached to being child free nowadays. That said, admittedly some people were (and still are) just unpleasant people.

Yes, I have seen a few couples like this and they are of the older generation. To their generation divorce was seen as something wrong, even if the marriage had broken down, so they were stuck together seething with resentment.

My mother is not maternal either. I totally understand, she absolutely hated being tied down with children too. In her defence she didn’t have a maternal mother herself and didn’t have Mumsnet either.

Your mother is abusive. Dont talk to her, it will just end in more abuse for your dad (as happened when she was whispering to him).

You need to talk to him and offer him help to leave, although if my experience with my Aunt in a similar relationship is anything to go by (she was the victim), he won't leave.

Oh and FWIW, she was wrong, it is widely known as hospital corners. Maybe you should chuck that one at her just to let him have win!

ETA
She is not a bad person, and is very loving to everyone else in the family. She hates confrontation and is very very emotional

Yes she is a bad person. Abusers are always loving to everyone except their victim. Just look on MN to see how many women say "He is so charming and wonderful to everyone else, no one would believe how he treats me".

And of course she hates confrontation, she doesnt want to be called out on her shitty behaviour, and is she "emotional" or manipulative? Again, there are several threads on MN currently where men are dissolving into tears, or telling their kids that they don't want mummy to leave when the kids are upset......

Re-read your OP and switch the sexes. What would you say if you saw your (say) Brother in Law treating your sister in the way she treats your dad? Would you say "He isnt a bad person"?

I'm from that generation, divorce was not seen as "something wrong" out of all the couples who got married around the same time I did, only one pair are still together, I, and five other couples all got divorces in our mid 30's to early 40's. Many other couples never even got married, just stayed together until it didn't work anymore. it was my parents' generation who viewed divorce as a sign of failure, I have a vivid memory of my mum telling my sister to leave her abusive partner and saying that she would have left my dad but in those days (late 50's, early 60's ) you couldn't/didn't because women had less rights and opportunities.

My mum's like this with my stepdad but mostly in company, like she's showing off or something. I hear them chatting perfectly fine when I'm upstairs at theirs visiting, but she will talk to him like crap in front of people or be short tempered with him.. she's so jealous that my toddler loves him and gives him more attention at times so she will react by picking at my stepdad or criticising what he does or says to my son, it's maddening. I cringed seeing her when my stepdad gave the speech at my sisters wedding, rolling her eyes and acting impatient for him to finish, I don't know what she thought people would think but it was cringeworthy and awful!

She spoke to him so badly in front of us on holiday that I said something and as usual she was surly back, she called him a fat c*nt in front of us. Later on she was doing something that directly affected my son negatively (think walking him out in rain with no coat) so inwas watching out the window saying "oh she's gone the wrong way and he's not wearing a coat " and my step dad said just leave her alone! I admit I lost my temper at him too and said are you serious, she can speak to you like that today and you're pulling me on on this quiet remark indoors where she can't hear anyway!!

I think people get so used to a toxic dynamic they can't see it.

Funnily enough as many other posters have said, I have an aunty who was brutal to her husband when he got seriously ill at the end of his life, talked to him like garbage for ruining her retirement etc, then after he died she was devastated and missed him. In an honest moment she admitted she wished she'd been kinder to him in his last years.

They're not that much older than me. Not only did I get divorced, my parents got divorced.